She's dead. No it can't be true. She can't be gone. Not Buffy. Not my Buffy. They tell me she sacrificed herself to stop the portal to the other dimensions opening. That was a thing that Buffy would do - especially as she would be protecting her sister. I loved her - always will. I never wanted to but I couldn't help it. Something attracted me to her. Made me love her. She haunted my dreams, plagued my mind. I couldn't escape her. Everywhere I turned she was there, watching my every move. Soon I found that I needed to be around her, that I needed to see her, feel her presence.
I never wanted to love her - God, that was the last thing I ever dreamed of. She was the Slayer, the one that I wanted to kill, the one that wanted to kill me. But I couldn't help it. There was something there, something that I know that I will never be able to understand. I liked the pain she caused me - the way she made me feel when she hit me. I know it doesn't make any sense; it doesn't to me, but something about the way she treated me, the way she would put all her anger into our fights made me realise that I saw her more than just the Slayer. She haunted me, every time I closed my eyes she was there. My mind played different scenarios but would always end the same - with me and her getting together. I hated it, hated the thoughts that she could make me feel like that, that she could make my body feel alive.
I have to admit, having this damn chip in my head didn't help but it felt good to help them. To be on their side. But now the reason for me being there has gone. Why did she have to be such an idiot as to sacrifice herself without discussing anything with any of us? I need her. I need her with me. I need to see her again, to feel her. She's my everything. The reason I gave up Drusilla. Hell, I was willing to kill Drusilla to prove my love. I messed up with her I know that but I just needed the time to prove myself to her. And now I am not going to get the chance to do that.
So Farewell my love, I hope we meet again. I am sorry I could not be the vampire that you wanted - that you deserved. I am not Angel, I know I never will be, but I hope that someday, I will be the guy for you.