AN: This story is evil I tell you! Spawned by someone (can't remember who) saying that there was no way Sirius could be homophobic. And since I love being contrary, this little fic was spawned. It will have a sequal eventually.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Friend is a Four Letter Word
"And the nun says, 'I don't want to gargle the water after she's sat in it."
Remus Lupin sat in the great hall laughing at yet another of Sirius obscene jokes. He knew they weren't as funny as Sirius thought they were but he couldn't not laugh, everything Sirius said was funny. He could always make him laugh. That was one of the things he loved about him…he stopped laughing rather abruptly and then coughed when Sirius gave him a sidelong look.
"You okay Moony?" the other boy asked.
"Yeah, Pumpkin Juice just went down the wrong way," Remus said, trying to give at least a fair imitation of a smile and failing. Sirius just frowned at him.
Why had he thought that…again…for probably the hundred-thousandth time. Love…of course he loved Sirius…like a brother…the way he loved James and Peter. And yet…there were nights when he woke with Sirius' name on his lips, aroused and ashamed by the dreams he had been awoken from. And times like this, when Sirius would just look at him, stare at him as if he were trying to figure out a difficult Arithmancy problem. And it made a secret part of Remus hope that maybe, some how, these strange feelings were returned.
Dinner was soon over and as their little group left the great hall James pulled Remus to the side and whispered in his ear.
"Tell him," was all he said before turning back to answer something Peter had said. But Remus knew what he meant. But if James was telling him to talk to Sirius, maybe he knew something that Remus didn't, maybe…Sirius felt the same way.
When they got back to the common room and James announced, rather loudly, that he and Peter would be working on Potions homework and that Sirius and Remus shouldn't wait up for them Remus knew exactly what James was up to.
Once they were in their dorm, Remus just sat down on his bed and tried to read. But after a half-hour of staring at the same page and James' words running through his head he broke.
"Um…Sirius?" Remus said tentatively. Sirius looked up from his history of magic book and raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah?" Remus got up and moved to stand in front of Sirius where he sat on his bed, but couldn't seem to find the words to tell Sirius how he felt. He started fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.
"What is it Remus? Is everything okay?" Remus could only bring himself to nod, the lump in his throat wouldn't allow him to speak. His hands were trembling and his heart was beating so fast and loud that Sirius had to be able to hear it. He cleared his throat and tried to speak to say anything just so he wouldn't look like a complete idiot in front of his dearest friend.
"I…Sirius…There's something I…I want to tell you," he finally stuttered out. Sirius smiled at him and then mock scowled.
"I thought we said no more secrets Moony," he asked, sticking his lip out in a fake pout. Remus knew he was joking, but he felt bad anyway, they had made that promise, several years ago and he felt bad about keeping something this big a secret from his friends.
"I'm sorry…," he said softly. Sirius stopped pouting and looked concerned.
"I was just kidding Remus, it's okay, really," Sirius said before patting the piece of mattress beside him. "Sit and tell Ol' Padfoot what's wrong. Wait, don't tell me…you like someone!" Remus stared at him in astonishment. Had he been that obvious? Did Sirius already know and he was just toying with him?
"Y…yes," Remus said in a shaky voice.
"That's great! Who is she? Have you asked her out? She's not a Slytherin is she cause…" Sirius started, but Remus' confused expression made him pause mid sentence.
"Wait, what?!" Remus asked. 'Does he know or not?' he wondered fearfully.
"Who is she?" Sirius repeated, slowly this time, like her was talking to a child.
"You don't know?" Remus asked in confusion. For a moment he had thought…but apparently Padfoot really was oblivious. "It's…not…not…a girl," Remus whispered, staring down at his hands, afraid to see the look on Sirius' face.
"Not a girl?" Sirius said flatly.
"No." Remus shook his head but still didn't dare to look at him.
"It's not Prongs is it? Cause Lily'll kill you," Sirius tried to joke, but the light tone sounded forced.
"No." This time Remus ventured a glance at Sirius. His friend's face was blank, but his eyes were intense, some hidden emotion roiling just beneath the surface. Remus looked away quickly.
"I'd hope you'd have better taste than to fall for Pete," Sirius said. His voice as emotionless as his face. Remus just shook his head.
"It's not…me, is it?" Sirius asked slowly. Remus just looked at him sadly, he raised a hand to touch Sirius' arm but Sirius jerked violently away. "Don't!" he said as he stood and backed up several steps. Remus looked at him sadly and tried once more to reach towards his friend, but Sirius just backed farther away. "Just…don't." Sirius said, putting up his hands as if to ward off some sort of attack.
"I'm sorry," Remus said miserably as Sirius continued to stare at him with a combination of disgust and fear.
"Yeah," Sirius said dully as he continued to back up till he reached the door, and then quickly left Remus alone in the dorm. Remus stood there for a long time, just staring at the door before climbing into bed and crying himself to sleep.
He slept fitfully that night and had awoke early. He managed to avoid looking at Sirius the whole day, and the other boy returned the favor. Every once and a while James would look over to him, worry and guilt plain in his expression. Apparently James had thought that Sirius would have reacted differently, but he had been wrong; there was a first time for everything.
After classes Remus retreated to the library and stayed for as long as he could, skipping dinner and trying to drown himself in homework. But eventually Madam Pince kicked him out and he had to return to Gryffindor tower.
"You thought I what?!?!" the screech of indignation and disgust could be heard all the way down in the common room as Remus stepped through the portrait hole. He cringed and debated on wither or not to just sleep in the common room. Against his will he found himself walking up the steps to the dorm.
"Sirius calm down," he could here James saying. So he had been right in thinking it had been Sirius yelling at the top of his lungs.
"I will not calm down! How could you think that I would ever…!"
"Have you ever seen the way you look at him? I swear it's the same way I looked at Lily before I got up the guts to ask her out," James said.
"That's disgusting! I'm not some perverted freak that fancies his best mates!"
"And Remus is?!" James countered hotly.
"Apparently yes!" At Sirius' word Remus burst into tears, leaning against the door to their dorm for support. But unfortunately his shaking grasp made the door knob turn in his hand and the door opened into the room, spilling him, sobbing, to his knees in front of the two people he cared for most in the world.
James was by his side instantly, helping him to a sitting position and glaring daggers at Sirius. For a long time Remus just sat there crying into James shoulder with Sirius staring at them both.
"Remus..?" Sirius said, kneeling down next to him, but careful not to touch him. "Um…look, I'm sorry. I reacted badly. I'd…I'd really hate to lose one of my best mates over this. I don't, I mean I can't…" Remus whipped the tears from his eyes and nodded.
"It's okay Sirius, I understand. I…won't let it effect our friendship if you won't," Remus said quickly. He didn't want to lose Sirius over this.
"Deal," Sirius said, sticking out his hand. They shook on it, like a business deal, but things never were quite the same. Remus would catch himself staring every once and a while and Sirius was never quite as open as he had been. And they gradually stopped talking like they used to, by the time they graduated, though they were still friends, a barrier had been built between them that it would take the death of their friends and fifteen years of separation to mend.