A/N: Written for and from a prompt given by queeofspades.
The Wedding
Homer Simpson strolled along the sidewalk, whistling to himself. It was a happy tune, the kind of tune that sang, "Mr. Burns didn't fire me today," and "I got the last jelly donut in the box at lunch," and even, "Boy, I slept right through that impending nuclear disaster! By the time I woke up, it was under control and everything!"
But most of all, it was a tune that sang out to the world that today had been a perfectly average day, full of no surprises whatsoever and certainly nothing that would upset the status quo.
Homer liked those days the best.
Even now, what could be more normal and average than what he was doing, walking merrily on his way to Moe's after a long day's work?
Just the thought of a cold frosty beer had his mouth watering. "Mmm, beeeer…" he thought aloud, drooling a teensy bit in spite of himself. He picked up his pace, and picked up the tune of his whistle with it.
Swinging open Moe's door, he stepped inside, peering at the dank, dirty, dark hole that he liked to think of as a second home. 'Ahh,' he thought serenely. 'Surely nothing remotely shocking and revelatory will happen here today.'
Homer had dawdled too much, and Lenny and Carl were already sitting at the bar where Moe stood behind the counter wiping glasses. Barney, who had never left for work and had spent the day keeping Moe company, was passed out on the floor. Moe's other regular barflies, Larry and Sam, were playing pool in the background. (Homer sometimes had trouble remember Larry and Sam's names. They never really talked that much. Larry was balding and Sam wore glasses and a green baseball cap. That's pretty much all Homer knew about them, but they were always filling seats at Moe's and Homer considered them among his closest friends.)
"There he is!" Lenny cried, spotting him. "Homer!"
"Yeah, Homer, ol' buddy, come sit down, pal," Carl said, raising a glass to him.
Homer wondered faintly why they seemed so excited to see him; after all, he had seen them not one hour ago when they left work, waving to him from the front of the red sports car that they always carpooled to work together in.
He took a familiar seat by Moe's pickled egg jar and said, "Gimme a Duff, Moe."
"One Duff comin' up, Homah," Moe said.
"Hold that thought, Moe," Lenny said, taking the empty mug from Moe's hand and putting it down.
"Yeah," Carl added, "we've got something a little more special in mind. Moe, a glass of your finest champagne for everyone! On us!"
Moe raised his eyebrows, but he wasn't going to complain when his "finest champagne" was nothing more than an old empty bottle that he had found in the dump, filled with bulk-grade boxed "Champagne Glug" from the local superstore and attached a fancy-looking label to the front that he had Photoshopped at the library (without paying their 10-cents-per-copy fee); therefore, it had the highest profit margin of any drink in the bar. He felt around under the floorboards and pulled out his only bottle, and blew off the dust. Pouring the drink into dirt-stained champagne flutes, he passed them all around. Barney had woken up at the sound of the cork popping, and downed his glass without question.
"What's the special occasion, fellas?" Moe asked.
"Yeah," Homer said, sipping his glug. It wasn't Duff, but it was free booze, and he wasn't about to pass that up. "What's up? You didn't mention it was your birthdays at work today. Or that you were born on the same day. Which is pretty weird."
"It's not our birthday, Homer," Lenny said.
"But you could say it's an anniversary of sorts, or it's going to be," Carl added.
They giggled surreptitiously.
"C'mon, guys," Homer said, "don't leave us in suspense."
"Yeah," Barney chimed in indignantly before burping loudly, "it's not polite to keep secrets in front of company!"
"We wanted to wait until after work to tell you, Homer," Lenny said.
"Yeah, we wanted all of our closest friends to be the first to know..." Carl added.
"We're getting married!" the two of them exclaimed together.
A stunned silence filled every inch of the barroom. In a dusty corner, a mouse twitched its nose and scurried back into its hole.
Suddenly Moe shrieked.
"This is fantastic!" he said.
"Oh Moe," Lenny said, getting a bit choked up, "you really mean it?"
"Of course I do! Word gets out that this is a gay bar, and I'll be able to raise my prices!" Moe embraced Lenny and Carl in each of his arms. "Bless you two and the beautiful love you share!" he sobbed.
"I have only one thing to say to the two of you," Barney said, pushing his stool back and getting to his feet shakily. He raised his glass. "'Bout time!" he said, and emptied the last of his glug.
Lenny and Carl laughed and gave him a hug. Then Larry and Sam patted Lenny and Carl on the back and said their congratulations.
"Barney," Homer stage-whispered, "you knew Lenny and Carl were gay?"
"Yeah," Barney said. "Even my mom knows. Right, Mom?"
A woman who looked exactly like a female version of Barney popped her head out of the Ladies' Room and nodded yes before disappearing again.
"I mean, Homer," Barney said, "don't you remember the time we caught Lenny and Carl having sex...?"
"So that's what THAT was about?" Homer cried, astonished. "Geez! Am I the last person to know?"
"I'm sorry we didn't tell you, Homer," Lenny said.
"Yeah, pal," Carl added. "We didn't know how you'd react. But we want you to know you're our closest friend in the world, and it'd mean a lot to us if you'd be our best man."
Homer looked stunned.
Everyone in the bar had turned to look at him expectantly: Moe, Barney, Larry, Sam, and most of all Lenny and Carl, who had big loving looks in their eyes, brimming with friendship.
"I absolutely will NOT be your best man!" Homer announced, climbing up a bar stool to stand on the countertop, making his proclamation as dramatic and over-the-top as possible.
Lenny and Carl wore stunned expressions, while Barney shook his head sadly, and Moe mumbled to himself, "What a disgustin' human bein'," and spit onto a rag and then began cleaning a glass with it.
"Homer," Lenny uttered, hurt, "what are you saying?"
"No, I will NOT be your best man!" Homer cried again. "I REFUSE to be your best man... because I am going to perform the ceremony MYSELF!"
Homer jumped down and gave Lenny and Carl the biggest hugs that Homer could give (which, considering his size, were fairly big).
"You two are the dearest, oldest friends I have," Homer said, "and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm going to throw you the biggest, most lavish wedding you've ever seen! I'll hold it in my backyard. Well, not the whole backyard, because of the compost pile, and we're having a swimming pool installed again, so there's a lot of construction going on, and there's a dilapidated bird-feeder which is just an eyesore and is sure to be in all your pictures from every angle, and I really can't remove it or even cover it with a sheet because Lisa says it'd be cruel to the birds who've become dependent on it... But I promise you it will be the most perfect wedding you've ever seen!"
"Wow, Homer, that sounds... great," Lenny said.
"Yeah... great," Karl added. "But how are you going to get licensed to perform marriages?"
"No problemo," Homer said. "I've still got my certificate from that time I performed my sister-in-law Patty's almost-wedding. It's around here somewhere..." Homer started digging around under the floorboards. "Ah! Here!" He pulled out a sheet of paper and blew the dust off.
"Geez, Homah," Moe said, "what the hell were you keeping that here for?"
"I dunno," Homer said, "it seemed like a good place for it. I keep lots of stuff under your floorboards. There's so much room down there. This whole building has no foundation you know."
In no time at all, the big day arrived. The Simpsons' backyard was all dolled up and decorated lavishly for the occasion. Banners and streamers and lights were hung; bouquets of flowers were tastefully arranged, and Homer even had a beautiful white gazebo brought in on which to perform the ceremony.
One by one, the guests started to arrive. Apu and Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon eyed the surroundings. Manjula ran her fingers romantically through her husband's hair. "You know, Apu, this reminds me of our wedding in the Simpsons' backyard..."
"Yes," Apu agreed. "Even the elephant is the same!"
"Make way! Coming through! Boy on an elephant here! Yo, pops, move it or lose it!" Bart said, riding Stampy the elephant through a throng of bewildered wedding guests who just barely managed to duck out of the way; though Jasper's beard was stepped on, and so was one of Eleanor Abernathy's cats, though she had not been invited. She screamed something in Crazy Cat Lady-speak, which translated into English meant, "Oh no, my wedding gift! What will I get the happy couple now?" and started pulling cats out of her bag and throwing them wildly.
Marge eyed the festivities warily, standing next to her family.
"Homer, how are we able to afford this wedding?"
"Relax," Homer said, "I took the money from Lisa's wedding fund."
"YOU TOOK IT FROM MY WHAT?" Lisa cried.
"RELAX," Homer assured her. "It was only the money from your FIRST wedding fund. And we all know how THAT turns out. I haven't touched the money for your second wedding."
Lisa's grumbles slowly dissolved. "Well, normally I'd be furious with you," Lisa said, "but considering my staunch support of civil liberties, I'm proud to be part of the family that's funding a same-sex interracial marriage."
"Interracial?" Homer said. "Oh yeah, I guess it is. Wow, this wedding is really controversial, isn't it?"
"Tell me about it," Mr. Burns said, who had just arrived with Smithers by his side. "Why in my day, marriages were arranged between men of middle age and young women who had never met! That was sanctity! Isn't that right, Smithers?"
"Yes, Mr. Burns. This is truly nightmarish," Smithers said, lost in a delightful daydream of himself and Mr. Burns standing at the altar.
"But, after all," Mr. Burns said, "Carl is my number one employee and I wish him and what's-his-name the best."
The time came for Lenny and Carl to walk down the aisle. They walked arm in arm, tears in their eyes, while a string quartet played in the background. Homer stood under the gazebo waiting for them, dressed in his finest tuxedo (it had only two gravy stains on the jacket) and a ceremony book in his hands.
From the audience watched all of Lenny and Carl's friends and family, and also people they didn't really know, for some reason.
"They're getting married," Edna Krabappel whispered harshly to Principal Skinner, sitting next to her.
"Not now, Edna," Skinner whispered back. "Mother might hear us."
"What's that you're whispering about, Seymour?" Agnes Skinner said, whacking her son over the head with her purse. She was sitting on the other side of him.
"Nothing, Mother."
Finally, Lenny and Carl arrived under the gazebo.
"Lenny... Carl... for as long as I've known you two, you've been my closest friends. I can't picture one of you without the other. As far as I'm concerned, you're a perfect match, and I just want to tell you, I love you guys."
"Aww, thanks, Homer," said Lenny.
"We love you, too, pal," said Carl.
The vows were recited, rings were exchanged, and finally, Lenny and Carl were proclaimed husband and husband and gave each other a kiss while everyone cheered and applauded.
"Gee, Homer," Lenny said. "I have to admit, Carl and I were a bit worried when you said you were throwing us this wedding that something would go wrong."
"Yeah, Homer," Carl added. "You have a tendency of going over the top."
"Guys, guys," Homer said, putting an arm around each of them. "You had nothing to worry about. That's not me! And now, to celebrate this joyful occasion, I present to you a Spectacular Pyrotechnic Extraaaavaganza!"
"Oh no..." Lenny and Carl said.
Fireworks were set off! Great bursts of fireballs were ignited! It was a rousing, rip-roaring, neighborhood-code-violating extravaganza!
When it was over, only half the garage was burnt down and the icing on the cake was melted into a sticky mess on the grass. The firemen were very understanding about the whole thing.
"All things considered, Homer, it was really the best wedding we could ever ask for," Carl said when the fire brigade left.
"Yeah!" Lenny added. "Now, who wants to catch the bouquet?"
A dozen women started clawing, biting, and slapping each other to get out of the way, as smoke rose from the charred garage.
"You did a great thing, Homer, helping your friends," Marge said. "I'm proud of you." And she gave him a big kiss.
"Thanks, Marge," Homer said. "I just hope Lenny and Carl have as wonderful a marriage as we do."
"I'm sure they will," Marge said, squeezing his hand.
The End