Nothing
A/n: Remus' thoughts after Sirius' final betrayal. Angst/romance. RL/SB Enjoy!
Nobody talked about you after, you know. They all had you down as a traitor, so did I. But I didn't want to believe it was you, I didn't understand where that part of you had come from; I'd never seen it before. You were Sirius, my Sirius, you wouldn't do that to James, James who you loved like a brother, whose parents took you in as their own when you had nowhere else to go. I told them no, it wasn't Sirius, it wasn't. But it was you Sirius, wasn't it? It was you and it makes me sick to my stomach to know that you could do... that. That's just it, the Sirius I knew could never do such a thing. I thought I knew everything about you, I thought I knew every minute, insignificant detail, but obviously I wasn't paying close enough attention. I guess I didn't know you as well as I thought I did.
But regardless of whether you were a traitor, you were someone I was in love with for six years of my life, six years that I can't make go away. I can't shake them, they'll never leave. The drink helps for an evening but the pain is much worse when morning rolls around. I've tried using a pensieve but a mind full of my memories without you in them might as well be a mind wiped clean. You were my everything, you'd taken residence in my every thought. And so not only did I lose James and Lily and Peter, I lost you too, whoever you were.
Everybody knew that we were an us, but they'd talk about your treachery at every opportunity like I wasn't even there. And they made me feel idiotic for ever having trusted you. He's a Black he couldn't be trusted. He was always reckless, wouldn't have trusted him. He was a horrible human being who never deserved the friends he made. You were never horrible to me though. You did some awful things to Severus when we were in school but that was Severus. I never saw that as your true nature, I never thought that was who you were. Even when you told him about the willow, even then I forgave you, trusted you again, believed you when you said you were sorry, when you said that you loved me and you'd never do anything like that again. You lied. How many times I don't know but you lied on that day. You made me feel idiotic for having trusted you. And I felt idiotic for a long time.
And it's so wrong. I never believed that you'd do that to me. I can't believe how much you must have lied about. Did you do it because I let you down? I know I let a lot of people down. I couldn't be who everyone wanted me to be, half the time I didn't even know who I was towards the end. But I knew that I loved you and nothing would have changed that. I knew which side I was on, who I was fighting for, I knew that I would do anything to protect the things I cared about. And I thought you did too. The morning before they died you held my hand and you told me that we'd be alright as long as we all had each other. How could you say that? How could you look me in the eye hours before your betrayal and say such a thing? And I believed you. I stood there and nodded and smiled and kissed you goodbye. Did you laugh as soon as you got out of the door? Did you say it on purpose? I ask these questions and I wonder if I knew you at all.
The fact still remains that some of this is my fault. I knew from the beginning that I wasn't good enough for you. Everyone thought it, whether they said it out loud or not. But you'd always said they were wrong, that it didn't matter what they thought anyway. I believed you. I believed in us. Maybe I should have let you go then. Everyone else seemed to know exactly where we'd end up, why couldn't I see it too? Maybe I didn't love you enough or in the right way. Maybe you felt like none of us did. Maybe there was something else I could have done, something I could have said. Maybe you were under a curse the entire time. Or maybe you weren't. I'm sorry Sirius. I'm so sorry for everything.
I just. I can't. I can't stop thinking. I can't. Why did you do it? Why didn't you tell me? We could have fixed it. We could have saved everyone. I would have protected you, we would have sorted it out and everyone would be fine and you'd be here with me still. You'd be here with me and James and Lily and Harry and Peter. And I hate you so much, but I can't help missing you… the person you used to be, the person I thought you were. I miss you. And I hate myself for missing you. I hate myself more than I hate you.
I'm nothing with you. But I don't know who you are.