!WHIPPED!
By The Last Little Kodamas
"Oh Squally-Wally, come over here and get me a drink!" Cooed Rinoa from her seat in Balamb Garden's cafeteria, where her and Squall were eating their lunch.
"Could I!?" Exclaimed Squall and he jumped up from his chair and quickly poured her a glass of soda. Now I realize that there is something very wrong with this picture, and you readers aren't the only ones who noticed. Zell and Irvine observed this whole charade with disgust.
"Squall, I never would have thought that you would turn into a whipped chump. I am ashamed." Said Irvine to himself as he watched Squall ask Rinoa if she wanted fries with that. Meanwhile Zell was plotting how he could steal Rinoa's hot dog, because it was the last one, but he still agreed that the scene being played before him was really pathetic.
"I think we need to open his eyes Zell, show him what a sorry loser he has become eh?"
"Yeah. But do you think it would be less conspicuous if I pushed her over and grabbed the hot dog, or if I carefully grabbed it from under her nose, trying carefully to make sure she wouldn't see me?"
"Um, push her over, that'll work."
"OK." Zell ran over to her table, pushed Rinoa out of her chair, accidentally squeezing a bottle of mustard on her shirt in his haste, and grabbed the prize hot dog. He sauntered back over to where Irvine was standing while Rinoa tried to scream at him.
"Success!" Zell looked at the wondrous concoction of meat and bun and frowned. "Awww man! She put sauerkraut on it! Gross!" He looked at the dog again, carefully considering whether he was going to eat it or not "Oh well." He wolfed it down so fast it seemed as if he didn't chew. "It tastes OK."
"Uh Zell, I'd be mighty careful if I was you, cause Rinoa's coming over here with her Wing Edge, and she doesn't look happy."
"Eeeep! Bring Squall to the 2nd Floor Classroom, and I'll meet you there."
"Alright."
"Oh and I think we'll need some sort of teaching aid. I'll try to prepare something while I'm hiding, you should do the same."
"OK! Now get outta here before she sees where you went!"
Zell ran out of the cafeteria as fast as he could, to his special hiding place where he went whenever he got Rinoa mad enough to shove things up his butt. Irvine had heard a rumor that he hid in the girl's washroom, but he decided not to ask. If Zell had become attached the girl's washroom after his little T-board incident, it wasn't really any of his business. Hyne knows he had skeletons in his closet like you wouldn't believe, he just supposed he was better at hiding them than Zell was. Irvine spotted Squall heading towards him, while an exasperated Rinoa headed off to the washroom to try to clean off the mustard. Well, if those rumors he'd been hearing were true, he hoped Zell knew how to be real quiet, for his own sake.
"Hey Squall." He said as Squall came within hearing distance.
"Kinneas. Did you see where Zell went? Rinoa says his ass has a date with her Wing Edge."
"Nope. I didn't see a thing."
"Oh. OK then. I better keep looking. Rinoa doesn't like it when I get sidetracked."
"Well I don't want Rinoa to be mad at you because of me."
"You're a pal."
"What're pals for? Oh and Squall, meet me at the 2nd Floor Classroom in an hour. Alone."
"Uh, you aren't going to tie me up to the side of Garden, are you?"
"That was Fuijin and Raijin and I even think Selphie had hand in that! I swear!"
"Oh. I believe you."
"Sucker."
"What!?"
"I said, 'see you later!'"
"Yeah. See you in an hour."
"Good luck finding Zell."
Squall wandered out of the cafe, still searching for their hidden friend. Irvine decided to wait for the next hour in the classroom, amusing himself by hacking into the computers and replacing the Garden info with an animated picture of a duck moving its head around all weird. Heeheeheee. They'd have a hard time figuring out who had done it this time. He should have guessed they would have known it was him last time, because he was the only other person on almost the entire planet except for Zone who owned that copy of Girl Next Door. He sauntered out of the cafe toward the elevators, a big smirk on his face.
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Zell huddled in the corner of his stall in the girl's washroom. It was a quite amazing place filled with pillows and perfume and almost everything else a girl could need. It made the guy's washroom look like an outhouse. Wait, the guy's washroom was an outhouse! But it was the most comfortable place for him to hide in the entire school that he could think of. He could hide out here for hours, all he needed to do was grab a pillow or two and he was all set. Sometimes it could take hours, even days before Rinoa's wrath would run out, and being cramped in a small closet or under someone's bed for that long was not his idea of fun. Zell thought he was quire smart, because he knew where to hide in comfort.
All was silent and Zell was just about to doze off when a couple of girls entered the room and headed towards the sink.
"Ugh. That dink Dincht is so gonna get it when Squall finds him for me. Mustard doesn't come out very easily you know! Look what he did to my new shirt Selphie!"
Uh-oh. He thought. It was Rinoa and Selphie! He had to be quiet. Quiet as a mouse, as a- his nose started to itch. Oh no! The perfume! He must be allergic! This was just not his day. Sure he got a hot dog, but would it really be worth it after Rinoa found him? Stupid!Stupid!Stupid! He chided himself just as the sneeze came out. It wasn't a little sneeze either.
"Achooeychooey!"
"Did you hear that Selphie? There's only one person we know who sneezes like that!"
"Who? Headmaster Cid?"
"No! Zell! He must be hiding in here somewhere."
"He's hiding in the toilet, I just know it!" Said Selphie.
"Let's just try the stalls first k?"
"OK!"
Zell cringed with fear. Maybe if he made himself really small, they wouldn't see him. He could cast mini on himself. Waitaminute, he couldn't have mini! Wrong game! Dammit! He decided to just curl himself up into a little ball instead and close his eyes. He heard the two girls start opening doors on either side of him and he prayed to Hyne that Selphie would be the one who found him and disregard him as part of the scenery or something. However the moment of doom was soon upon him as Rinoa and Selphie both came to stand in front of his stall at the same time.
"The process of elimination places the dead man in this stall!" Said Rinoa as she stepped forward to open the door. Zell had forgotten to lock it. D'oh! But it was too late to be chiding himself on his lack of intelligence again. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter and curled up even more. Zell almost felt like a pretzel. He heard the door creak open slowly and felt Rinoa's eyes on him, burning like fire.
"Well, well, well. Look what we found Selphie."
"What did we find Rinoa? I don't see anything!"
"That's because you have your eyes closed honey."
"Oh. Silly me. Tee-hee."
"Now what do you see?"
"Oh it's Zell! Hi Zell!"
He opened his eyes and looked up to see Rinoa looming over him, brandishing her Wing Edge, a grim smile on her face. Selphie, however, was smiling happily, waving at him, unaware of what was going on, even though Rinoa prolly told her about six times on the way to the bathroom alone.
"Hi guys." He managed to squeak out.
"Thought you could hide from me, eh Zell?"
"That was the plan Rinoa."
Oh dear, I'm late for my training session with Quistis." Said Selphie, still completely oblivious to the situation and she skipped out of the room, humming her little song about trains.
"Hmph! Meanie!"
"Y-you're not gonna hurt me?"
"No. I'm still gonna shove this," she said, holding up her menacing weapon, "where the sun don't shine, but as you should know by now, I have to say 'meanie,' it's part of what makes me Rinoa."
"Huh?"
"It's like you always saying, 'aw man!' And Raijin, 'ya know?' And Squall, '...whatever.' It's my catch phrase."
"Gotcha."
"So do you want this to be easy on you or not?"
"Pardon!?"
"Are you gonna kick and scream as I ram my Wing Edge up your ass, or are you going to take it like man?"
"Wouldn't most men kick and scream?"
"Point taken. But you know what I meant."
"Uh, I think I'm gonna be screaming Rinoa."
"OK. More fun for me anyway. Hold still."
He let out a long piercing wail as she did her worst, and then it was done.
"Pleasure doing business with you Zell."
"Waaah! I can't walk! It hurts, you witch!"
"Watch it pal."
"Sorry. But I'm in pain!"
"Do I look like the doctor? If you need medical attention, go tell her, not me!" With that, she turned around and exited the bathroom, completely calm, despite the fact she had just rendered a man so he may never sit again. Zell suddenly guessed this is what it must feel like to have permanent hemorrhoids and limped out of the room towards the infirmary and a pair of crutches.
...To be continued....
Author's note: I have more, but this is already long enough, so I will just make that rest another chapter k people? Well, I thought most of it was rather amusing, now I want to know what you thought of it? Review it please! Oh yeah, I wasn't trying to be mean to Zell, but that is prolly the most likely thing that would happen to him if he ever did that. Well, bye! Tune in again soon for the next chapter!