Clary POV:
No. No. No. This can't be happening. Especially not now. Especially not to me.
My whole world seemed to be in the process of utter destruction as I slumped against the chilled surface of the bathtub. My legs were sprawled out hopelessly on the tiled floor. The cool temperature of the bathroom seemed like the only thing binding me to my shattering reality. The numb, shaking hands I could barely identify as my own held the pregnancy test… Which my mind yearned to have morphed into a gun to end the disaster put upon my shoulders. It seemed like such a simple solution to a situation that undoubtedly will end as a disaster.
I threw my head back against the ledge of the bath behind me as I willed my fingers to peel from the tiny stick that ruined my imagined future. The test slipped into my lap and I let myself let out a sigh of exasperation, a passage of air that in this moment I desperately wanted to cut off. With a sudden flourish, I stood, ripping the object away from my body and sailing it into the trashcan with a renewed energy. The tests were known to be incorrect, right? However, I came down from my high only a few minutes later when the second test portrayed the same result, promising the same future, the same intimidating promise.
I buried my face in my hands, my elbows supporting the wait of my feeble body as I leaned over the sink counter. I released the watery gasp that was trapped in my throat and willed for the tears not to make an appearance. Particularly due to the fact I was set to hunt with the others in a couple minutes. I needed time to think, to plan. I needed to figure out how I was possibly going to break the news to Jace. Gosh, we weren't even planning… we hadn't even talked about a family but as far as I know, we both wanted to wait…
"Clary?" A soft knock on the locked door demolished the eerie silence, "Clary, are you ready to roll?" A familiar young, feminine voice called through the barrier.
I quickly rubbed the leakage from my watery eyes and the wetness pooling under my nose. "Yeah, I'll be out there in a second," I croaked in reply. I schooled my features, hoping to grasp some semblance of rationality before I had to leave the newfound safety of the bathroom. I locked my secret away, willing my eyes to shelter it and my lips to lock it. Time… I needed time before I could reveal my little treasure, however cursed it was.
I was immediately assaulted by Izzy, her armed forcibly linked with mine. All I wanted was space… And time, but obviously none of that would be given to me.
She dragged me across the Institute and out to the front door where everyone was waiting. My parabatai quickly came to my other side, swinging his arm around my shoulder so that I became a Clary sandwich. Across from me stood Jace. He smirked, inquiring, "Well Clary, good to know you're safe and sound and haven't fallen into the toilet. We were all wondering if you had. You might just be small enough to be flushed down too."
"Ha ha ha," I reply meekly. His face shifts slightly and I know immediately that he is on to me. He steps forward as Simon and Isabelle release me from my hold. He leans down and gives me a gentle kiss. He softly pulls me to him and wraps his arms around me until we hold each other in a tight embrace. He doesn't pester or ask questions, just holds me there.
I allow my eyes to flutter closed, taking in the warmth and breathing in the soothing metallic smell unique to Jace as I smothered my face into his chest. I willed myself to let this peace and feeling of safety to drown all of the daggers of thought stabbing my failing mind.
Alec cleared his throat from behind us. Jace pulled away, giving me a thoughtful glance before joining his brother, a look that displayed that we would have to talk after our demon hunting enterprise. We all scramble into the black van that carried an assortment of weapons, almost looking like a small armory. I adjusted the 9 in. knife strapped to my arm and double-checked the seraph blade at my waist. A new feeling settled over me. Not the adrenaline pumping excitement I usually got when we were preparing to hunt but an almost overwhelming sense of conservation, of anxiety. It was like self-preservation but only for that of another person's safety, a person directly linked to me. It was a feeling that made me want to reach for ten more seraph blades and a full set of battle armor. Or just not hunt entirely…
I squeeze to sit in between Jace and Simon, interlacing my fingers with Jace's and resting my head on his shoulder. He placed his lips on the top of my head, but they were gone as soon as they came and his face returned to its stony glower as he starred out the window. I sighed and nuzzled his shoulder, letting my eyes slowly close. My head felt fuzzy and my movements dizzying, like all my energy was being sucked out of me.
"Tired?" Simon nudges me, offering to draw an energizing rune on my arm. I nod gratefully, wishing I could have a thousand of them. He carefully drew the rune, his eyebrows scrunching from behind his glasses and I felt a sudden surge of love for my best friend. No matter what happened, he would always have my back. After the energizing rune, he continued to draw others. We switched off and I returned the favor. By the time I was finished, we had arrived at our first stop.
We stepped out of the van quickly, all shuffling into position like we had done a million times before. Alec pulled out his demon tracker; setting out in front of the group with Jace right on his heel. We made our way into the seemingly deserted coffee shop. When no one appeared, we split into groups, Simon and I walking across the room and into the back, Izzy, Jace and Alec all searching the front. As we made our way into the dim room, Simon nocked one of his arrows. I walked towards the near wall, searching for any clues to why we were called down here. I kept my face carefully hidden, portraying all of the hidden emotions I kept locked away. I felt as though they were all about to burst out and I would scream. However, I only let a silent sob escape me as I examined the rows and rows of coffee beans.
Whether it be intuition or our parabatai connection, Simon seemed to detect my distress, making his way to my side. He whispered softly, "Are you okay?"
I turn away even more so he could not see my betraying face. "Yeah, perfect, wonderful, extraordinary," I reply bitterly. I walk swiftly to the other side of the room.
"Clary," he screams.
I swivel around as a human sized demon launches itself at me, knocking me to the ground. Using it's momentum, I am able to twist us around so that I laid atop of it. With a fluid movement, I brought my dagger from it s sheath and into the demons neck with a ferocious growl. From the stabbing point, a black liquid begins to gurgle, pouring out of the demon like he was deflating until he was gone. I quickly jump to my feet, wiping the dagger off on my black garment.
He looks at me with a face of shock. I cock my head to the side but before I can inquire further, another demon came from my right and from behind Simon. Returning the warning, I shout, "Behind you!" before I turn to my right, swiftly lobbing the dagger with pinpoint accuracy into the beast's head. Quickly I slide, scooping up the dagger and firing at the next one. I survey my surroundings with my peripheral vision. The whole group was in the small room now, each hacking away at demon after demon. They never seemed to stop coming.
I brought out my seraph blade, swinging and slicing. Faster then I ever had before. It seemed that all the energy that once felt lost was coming back in one large wave. That feeling of self preservation mixed with the natural skill of someone born to fight created an almost invincible force inside me. I was not going to get hurt and the little monster growing inside me certainly wasn't either. Time was fluid and before I knew it, all of the grotesque demons were gone.
The adrenaline flooded from my body and I was left with cold icy fear stabbing at my heart. Fear for the overwhelming love I was already beginning to feel for the human growing inside of me.
I felt myself begin to shake, my breathing becoming uneven. My mind was on overdrive, everything that had happened weighing down my thoughts and ability to function correctly. My vision went blurry and I felt myself sway. Sensing that my knees were about to give in, Simon swooped to catch me as I collapsed.
I was lowered to the ground gently. All I was aware of was the stinging in my lungs, the frightened feeling of not having enough air. I focused on my breathing, quick, sharp breaths that seemed to do nothing for my hazed body.
"She's hyperventilating," the voice sounded as if it was underwater. Everything was muffled and blocked out except the current of air quickly passing in and out of my slack mouth, never enough to fill my begging lungs. Nothing else was important in this moment.
Because I. Could. Not. Breathe.
"… Anxiety attack…" everything sounded as a soft murmur, nothing like the chaos engulfing me. I pressed my head farther back into the dusty wooded floor, letting my eyes shut to block my dizzying, blurred vision.
Moments later I became aware of the cold night wind prickling against my exposed skin with the contrasting warmth of the body I was pressed against. I let myself peek just enough to catch a glimpse of golden air and a starry sky above me, and an opened van door ahead.
My breathing remained ragged as Jace slid into the back seat with my limp body in his arms. Simon followed seconds later, slamming the van door shut behind him. Alec and Izzy already took their place in the front, the older Lightwood starting up the car and speeding off.
Jace laid me down, with Simon's assistance, and pulled my head into his lap. He caressed my rosy cheeks with his tough, calloused hands, occasionally stroking my hair back, willing me to calm down and for my breathing to steady. Slowly, I began to become placid. Piece by piece I stitched myself together. My blurry mind beginning to crystalize. I was being dramatic, I told myself. Now they all were going to wonder, but I wasn't ready to answer their suspicions. I couldn't stop it though. It's like a raging tsunami of emotions decided to crash down on me, the water of desperation drowning me and the weight of angst pulling me under.
I couldn't face them, not yet, so I turned and buried my face into Jace's chest.