To Whom It May Concern at Fanfiction. Net,

Hello, my name is Edward Elric, and I am writing to complain about the things your users are posting about me on your site. I appreciate that people care enough about my life to write their own little spins on it, and I vigilantly read the stories written about me with great interest. However, I am concerned by the number of fanfictions which pair me with the other people in my life with whom I am very obviously not romantically affiliated. I find these pairings offensive and libelous and I think it's about time you did something about these fanfics. Allow me to remind you that libel is a criminal offense.

In the fanfics you have allowed to be posted unchecked on your website, I have found myself paired with all manner of impossible people, and in his letter I plan to address as many of these offenses as possible in hopes that you will be able to sift through the fanfictions posted on your site and delete the ones that are libelous.

Firstly, (by the way, these are in no particular order) I would like to address the fanfics that pair me romantically with Colonel Roy Mustang (yes, I know—I'm as surprised as you are). I'm sorry but, there is just no basis for this other than fangirl obsessiveness. At 29 years old, Roy is twice my age. If he and I were together, he would get arrested. Neither of us are that stupid. Furthermore, Roy is a complete womanizer. He makes it abundantly clear that every person he's ever been attracted to has had tits. There is no way in hell that he could be homosexual. Thirdly, I myself am not homosexual. I LOVE WOMEN. SERIOUSLY, I DO.

I. Love. Vagina. End of story.

(And what is the deal with me always being the bottom? I'm the top, I swear!)

And did I forget to mention that I EFFING HATE COLONEL ROY MUSTANG! Honestly, he's SO annoying! WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CHEMISTRY.

While I'm talking about Roy's pairings, I'd like to set the record straight on Roy/Riza pairings, also known as Royai. Royai is a disservice to Riza, who is a strong, independent woman and would never fall prey to Roy's machinations when it comes to women. Pairing her with Roy is degrading.

Now, back to me. Next on the list of most common pairings is me and Winry Rockbell. Look, I can understand how the authors could construe mine and Winry's relationship as something more than friendship. At the very least, Winry's a girl. (That makes EdWin five zillion times better than the homosexual pairings.) Now, pay attention 'cause I'll only say it once: WE ARE JUST FRIENDS. Winry and I are very close, but only because we have been friends for practically all our lives and she is an excellent mechanic. Dating Winry would be creepy, like kissing my sister.

And while I'm on the topic of incest, ELRICEST IS DISGUSTING. This is possibly the most libelous of all the pairings I've seen with myself involved. I don't understand how anyone can be so idiotic as to think that AL and I would... Ew. Just ew. It's disgusting. I feel like throwing up just THINKING about some of the Elricest things I've seen on your website. If nothing else, I demand that all Elricest be removed from your site. I'll sue you twice over this: once for libel and again for being a public nuisance.

The next common pairing I would like to touch on is me and Envy the homunculus, also called Edvy. Whatever author thinks that Envy and I would get together under any circumstances is an idiot. The things the homunculi do to make the Philosopher's Stone are sick and wrong. Even if you ignore the fact that I'm not gay, Edvy would never work based on my personality alone. These authors should have realized I'm not ever going to be into Envy when they saw how I react to being called "Hagane no chibi-chan." (I'M NOT EFFING SHORT. DON'T CALL ME CHIBI!)

Now, for the sake of not letting this letter run too long, I'll stop there. The pairings above are not the only ones I've seen or ones I'd like to be deleted, but they're the Big Four that MUST go.

If I do not see an improvement in your management and handling of offensive and libelous material, I will take the necessary legal recourse. Thank you for your time.

Edward Elric