Silent Witness belong to BBC.

Inever think of you these days

I never think of you these days. But you still manage to fill my days. It's an urge for you to see what I see, to feel what I feel, to know your problems, to confide in you. I want to share everything with you. I want your opinion, I need your advice.

I seek your smile; I miss that self satisfying smirk you have when you know you are right and are ready to fight the world to prove it. I need your strength and your faith.

But I never think of you these days...

Six years ago, I remember, he came back to your life. I didn't know right away. It was "post – Hungary" you explained and you didn't want to bother me. I didn't worry. Until you told me you've been seeing him for the last six months.

It's been four years and seven months since your wedding. I played my best friend's role till the very end. I remember dancing with you and goosebumps that I felt through the silk material of your wedding dress. I remember holding you close. It was like never before. Maybe because whatever we had, whatever we could've had ended that day, so as paradoxical as it was we finally didn't need to pretend anymore.

I remember song ending and you pulling away but not before strongly grabbing my hands with both of yours. I remember it was so strong that it left bruises. I dared to think that I saw desperation in your eyes. Why, why on your wedding day? I remember the moment after, you gave me one last kiss. I remember the tear that dropped at that moment. So small, almost unnoticeable. Your face remained clean, but it left wet trace on my cheek. I remember you walking away. I remember dying to see you turn to look at me just once more. You never did.

I never think of you these days...

Month after your wedding you left with him to South Africa. I haven't heard from you for three and a half years now. You are his wife, his lover, mother of Anton's children. Maybe by now you had a child yourself.

But I never think of you these days...

Still, sometimes life is hard, sometimes I question everything, sometimes I have trouble letting go. That's when I admit to myself that I need faith. That I need You.

In those moments, somewhere between dream and reality I see you as "my" wife, as "my" lover, as a mother of "my" children. It's so real, that I see you wink at me approaching the altar on our wedding day, it's so real that I feel gentle touch of our daughter's lips on my cheek, it's so real that feeling your hands hugging me tight wakes me up.

I never think of you these days.

But I genuinely hope you are happy. It's all the justice I need. For myself and for you. For the world.

I hope you are happy. I hope his smile is reassuring enough, his lips are comforting enough, and his hands are strong enough to catch you if you stumble or fall. I hope he knows how to read cute little wrinkle on your forehead and those nervous sighs you make when you need to open up your soul. I hope he knows never to comment on your shoes and I hope he recognizes your silence.

I never think of you these days.

And I hope you never think of me. I am relieved as I believe that I haven't become to you what you have become to me. Cherished memory, so precious and divine that it is all I hold on to. You have other people to mean happiness to you. And that is enough for me.

So I never think of you these days.

Because you have become such a great part of me that I can't in my heart distinguish where you end and I begin.

Sad again but I promise some happy fluff soon :)

I love to know what you think, so... ;)