The plotbunnies attacked me late last night. So yeah, here's the product of my tired mind in the midst of the Starship sex riot going on currently.
I wrote this to Throw Me A Rope by KT Tunstall on loop.
Listen to it on loop while you read it.
[.com/watch/?v=BtNMoU6BqJM paste youtuberepeat before this and it should take you there.]
Title is a line from it.
I don't own anything.
Get yo tissues out, enjoy, and review.
Blaine can't help but fix his gaze where it has been for the last hour.
It's too hard to look away, but it's too hard to look at the same time. There's some sort of pull that brings him to the object of his attention, but he doesn't want to think of it right now.
He wants to remember the good things in his life. So he looks back on everything.
-O-
He remembers the first time he met Kurt in the hallways of Dalton.
He remembers becoming friends, and going for coffee after Warbler rehearsals.
He remembers that moment when things clicked for him, drawing him closer into Kurt's orbit, impossible to escape.
He remembers their first kiss, how sweet and tender that moment had been for them.
He remembers their second kiss, how charged it was, so different from the first.
He remembers the countless nights spent curled up asleep next to Kurt, and waking in the middle of the night to see his favorite person in the entire world right there, pressed up next to him.
He remembers moving out and going to college, sharing a life together in the big city, living the dream.
They had each other, so it didn't matter if their apartment was crappy, or that neither of their jobs paid very well.
It didn't matter that sometimes they fought. About the silly things. About the serious things.
It didn't matter that sometimes Kurt would come home unhappy about his life. Or that Blaine would be snappy from a stressful day of work.
It didn't matter that sometimes they struggled to work things out. To make a living in this world.
It mattered that how bad their fights sometimes were, or how cranky or upset or unhappy they were, they still made an effort to work through things.
It mattered that the best moments outweighed the worst ones.
It mattered because they were in love.
-O-
Blaine can't remember anymore. It's too much for him to do so.
He stands in front of Kurt and pulls a letter from his pocket. Unfolds it.
"Kurt, there's just something I need to say to you. And I want to say it before it's too late, or before it's not important anymore. It's still important to me, but I need you to hear this. To hear me."
He reads aloud.
"'I miss you. I miss you every day. It doesn't seem fair for this to happen to me. I know it's neither of our faults, but I still blame myself for doing this to you.
The last time we spoke to each other was horrible. You were in a bad mood, and so was I. I didn't think you would actually leave though. I didn't think what I said had got you that upset.
I told myself, oh whatever. He'll come back. He always comes back. Just like I always do.
But you didn't. You didn't come back. Not for a whole day. But when you did, it was already too late.
I thought you hated city busses, Kurt. You always complained that they were too dirty, and too big, and too disgusting for you. So why did you do it? Why did you get on that bus?
I suppose that it doesn't matter now. You left me. You left everything.
I want to try and understand why you did that. Because every day without you here makes it hurt so much more.
I can't talk to any of our friends without seeing the unmistakable pity in the eyes. They try to hide it, but I see it there.
I don't want anybody's pity. I just want you back, Kurt.
But you're never coming back. You left, and you left for good.
I want to take back everything bad I've ever said to you. I beat myself up every day that the last things I said to you wasn't out of love.
But Kurt, I do love you.
I love you so much I can feel it bubble up in my throat when I see your face.
I love you so much I had to take down your pictures because it was too much to see your face everywhere.
I love you so much that I can't stop thinking about you, even though you probably can't think of me at all.
I love you, Kurt.
We had our bad moments, but Kurt, without them, we wouldn't have known how good our best times were. At least I think they were good times.
I'm still upset that one bad moment ended it all.
When they showed up at our door, I didn't know what to do.
How were we both supposed to know what would happen? That it would be the bus you happened to take that day?
I'm sorry Kurt. I'm so, so sorry that I said those things. I know I'm repeating myself a lot, but really. I just can't let you go."
Blaine stops because he's on the verge of a breakdown. He can't see straight or think straight or hear straight.
It starts raining, and the letter Blaine's still holding in his hands is getting wet. The ink starts to run down the pages and he folds them back up, and places them on the ground, on top of a gray stone.
The grass beneath the stone is green, and there's flowers blooming because it's spring, but it seems like the life of nature is mocking the entire existence of that cemetery.
Blaine stands for a moment longer, staring at the dull rock with some words etched on them. He closes his eyes shut, conjuring up the last happy memory of the two of them together.
-O-
It's a simple day of ordinary life, but it was the night before it happened, and before bad moods influenced a poor decision.
Kurt surprises Blaine with a special dinner for them. He had exciting news to share, and he wants to tell Blaine in a special way.
Blaine gets home from work, tired, but delighted to find a smiling Kurt bursting at the seams with a deliciously fragrant dinner waiting in the tiny kitchen.
"What's this?" Blaine asks playfully, walking up to Kurt and engulfing him in a big hug, planting a little kiss on the top of his head and drinking in Kurt's light scent.
Kurt can't contain his news any longer. "I got the part!" he says.
Blaine pulls away and holds him at an arm's length and looks into his brightly shining eyes. "Seriously?"
Kurt is grinning from ear to ear, laughing quietly and nodding his head. "Yes. Yes, I start tomorrow. Rehearsals begin tomorrow morning! Oh my god Blaine, I'm so excited for this. This is my dream. And it's finally coming true."
Blaine doesn't say anything, but he wraps Kurt in another hug, a bigger one. "I'm so happy for you," he whispers.
They spend the rest of the evening and night eating dinner, lounging on the couch, talking, and having a fantastic time in bed.
Before Blaine goes to sleep, he turns to the already wiped out Kurt and says, "I love you."
But then the next day rolls around. Kurt has already left early in the morning for the rehearsal, so Blaine gets ready for work alone.
The day is long and extremely stressful, and Blaine returns home to an empty apartment. He's a little worried, because Kurt never told him when he would be getting home that night. He doesn't know when to expect him, and there's been no text messages throughout the day telling him anything. Not even their usual silly text messages to each other.
A few more hours pass, and there's still no sign from Kurt. Blaine's ready to start calling people when he hears shuffling footsteps in the hall and fumbling keys at the door.
Kurt enters, but Blaine can't be happy to see him. He's afraid and angry and nervous and relieved all at the same time, but when Kurt walks into the living room without a care, he nearly explodes.
"Why didn't you call to tell me when you were going to get home?" he asks Kurt, voice laced with annoyance and fear.
Kurt frowns. "I'm sorry, but when was it my duty to update you on my whereabouts every minute of every day? I thought we had this talk years ago."
Blaine shakes his head. "Yeah, we did. But this is different. Kurt, I have no fucking idea where the hell you're at. You didn't tell me where you were rehearsing. You never told me when you would be home. I don't even know what to think, Kurt."
Kurt's mouth parts in defiance and he raises an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
Blaine can't look at him. The dreading suspicion had been building for the last hour and he doesn't want to say it, but he needs to get it out in the open.
"Is there someone else? Like in your new show?"
Kurt gasps and he wants to slap Blaine for saying that. "How dare you! I would never cheat on you!"
Blaine shakes his head again. "I just don't know what to think, Kurt. You didn't tell me a single thing about what you were going to do today. What am I supposed to do when I sit here all night consumed with worry and dread? I got thinking, and I don't even know. Sometimes these thoughts cross my mind."
Kurt doesn't say a word, but he turns on his heel and picks up his jacket. He's heading towards the door and Blaine jumps up to stop him.
"Where the hell are you going?" he says angrily.
Kurt stops outside the door to their apartment. "I'm going out. Because you seem to think I'm cheating on you, I'm going to go have a little rendezvous with my illicit lover." His words are bitter and taste bad in his mouth, but he can't take them back, so he runs down the hall and down the stairs. He doesn't want to wait for the elevator, because that would take far too long and he would only go back and melt into a puddle at Blaine's feet and protests.
He wants to feel angry and make Blaine realize how stupid his words were, but once he walks out onto the sidewalk outside the building, he doesn't know what to do.
He stand there in the way, and then sees the bus stop at the corner.
He doesn't ever ride busses, but he's in a weird mood, and so he gets on, paying the driver and sitting gingerly on one of the seats.
Nobody on the bus sees the semi-truck. Nobody sees that the driver is frantically waving his arms in a warning. Nobody sees until it's too late.
The last thing Kurt sees is the blinding flash of the truck's headlights right in his eyes.
Blaine sees the report shortly after it happens on the TV, but he doesn't think anything of it because Kurt doesn't ride city busses.
He gets the news in the morning.
-O-
Blaine is still standing in front of the grave. His face is wet with tears, but he's singing softly to the person lying beneath the grass and the earth and the rock.
Whenever I'm falling
You're always behind me
Come back and find me
Everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone