309.9 Adjustment Disorder, NOS
"Elliott, is there something wrong?" George Huang's voice was quiet and nonjudgmental with just the correct amount of professional detachment.
Elliott Stabler rolled back on his side to face him. "What makes you think something's wrong?" It was the time-honored device of answering a question with a question that belonged as much to a skilled interrogator's bag of tricks as to a psychiatrist's.
"Aside from the fact that I'm psychic, you mean?" Huang tried to keep things light. It had always been hard for him to get Elliott to open up when anything personal was bothering him, but now even more so because he had so much more to lose if he pushed too hard and ended up driving Elliott away. "You've been tossing and turning for the last hour. Is there anything I can do?"
"Sorry, George. I didn't mean to keep you awake. You could tell me to go sleep on the couch."
Huang reached out almost tentatively and placed his hand on Stabler's shoulder. It wouldn't do to appear clingy or needy. "There's no cause to do that. I'll live. Besides, you've never banished me from bed despite the fact that my pager wakes you periodically."
"Yeah, well, you usually have to get up and leave anyway or else my pager is going off at the same time." Stabler rolled onto his back and was silent. Huang did the same. He had to admit that Elliott had neatly deflected the original question, and it was just as clear to him that he'd best let the matter drop for now.
A few minutes later, and out of the blue, Stabler said, "I still love her, you know."
"Kathy." It was a statement, not a question, in the same quiet, nonjudgmental, professionally detached voice.
"Yeah."
"You were in a long-term marriage with her. She's the mother of your children. It's not unusual that you would still have feelings for her. It's in the best interests of your children that you and Kathy do get along. It provides them some sense of stability and safety despite all of the changes they've been going through."
"Thanks, Doc." Stabler's tone was coolly ironic, and Huang knew immediately that despite his best intentions of showing understanding and support, he'd trespassed into a private matter where he wasn't wanted. At work, where he and Stabler weren't exactly advertising their relationship, he was "Huang" or "Doc", but at home, and particularly in bed, he was "George."
Now was not the time for him to explain to Elliott that one of the things he found most attractive about him, beyond his obvious physical attributes, was that he was a good family man. Huang's parents hadn't taken it well when their son came out to them. He remembered his father's tirade about homosexuality being dirty, disgusting and bringing dishonor to the family name, and he'd found himself pruned from the Huang family tree as neatly and completely as any errant branch was clipped from his mother's collection of bonsai plants. From then on, he had sought to fill his need for family through study groups in medical school, through job assignments such as his current posting to the 16th Precinct and occasionally in one-to-one relationships; thus, his choice of Elliott as a lover had never been based solely on sex, although he had no complaints in that area. There were times, though, as now, when he wasn't sure that Elliott saw him as family in any way, shape or form. Perhaps Elliott was perfectly satisfied to see their relationship as merely a vehicle for physical release. He was surprised by how much pain that thought could elicit.
"You know, I've always been a cheater." Stabler's voice brought Huang out of his introspection.
Huang paused for a moment, uncharacteristically unsure of how to proceed, and then simply asked, "How do you mean?" He really was curious. Despite the rumors that now and again floated about the precinct and Kathy Stabler's outright accusation, he was at least 95 percent certain that Elliott had never behaved inappropriately (at least in that manner) with his partner, Detective Olivia Benson. He was just as certain that Elliott hadn't indulged in liaisons with any men while married. He'd been distinctly uncomfortable even joining him for dinner and a movie before the divorce was final.
"I knew even in grade school that there was something different about me. Oh, I made it out of the phase where you think girls have germs or cooties or whatever. I'd notice a good looking girl, but not 5 minutes later I'd notice a guy I though was just as hot. Now, given that the sisters would whack your hands with a ruler for something as innocent as chewing gum in class, I couldn't image what they'd do if they knew how I felt about the guy sitting in front of me. I knew it was a mortal sin, knew I could never say enough 'Hail Marys' or 'Our Fathers' to get out of it, so I played the good little alter boy routine and made sure no one ever knew what I really felt or thought. My first experience with cheating - and as time went on, I only got better at it." There was already bitterness in Stabler's voice.
"You know, I honestly thought that it was a phase, that I'd grow out of it. I thought if I made it through the Marines, then I'd be a real 'man'; instead it was like being a penniless kid in a candy store - and not one damn thing I could do about it." The disgust in Stabler's voice was hard for Huang to hear.
"Did the experience cause me to wise up? Did I have the sense to accept that this was how it - how I - was gonna be? Hell, no! I pulled Kathy into the mess with me. I thought I could make things right if I got married and had kids. She's a good lady, a good wife, a great mom. But my fantasies never stopped."
"Elliott, you know that sexual preference is hardwired into us and is an important part of who we are. You don't wake up one day and consciously choose to be straight or gay or bisexual. Your only choice is whether or not you act on your preference."
"I may never have lain a hand on anyone, never acted on those fantasies, but I still had 'em. Jimmy Carter ain't no Catholic, but when he said 'lusting in his heart' was the same as cheating, he was right. By that definition, I cheated on Kathy ever day we were married. She didn't deserve that."
Huang couldn't think of any reply to that that wasn't self-serving. While Kathy hadn't deserved to be deceived, Elliott hadn't deserved having to hide who he really was all that time, either. He wouldn't have deserved the stereotypes or the mental, not to mention physical, abuse that he would have suffered if he'd come out all those years ago. He didn't deserve them now, and he, George Huang, had never deserved them either.
"I thought when I finally came clean to Kathy that I'd put my cheating ways behind me, but I guess they're right when they saw old habits die hard." If Stabler noticed Huang's body tense beside him, he made no mention of it. "I've been spending a lot of time with my kids lately, and not much time with you. If there's one think that Kathy kicking me out on my sorry ass taught me, it was not to take people - or relationships - for granted. You deserve better, George."
Huang felt relief wash through him. He'd been so certain that Stabler wasn't promiscuous, and yet he'd wanted to hear it from the man's lips not once, but twice. He turned on his side to face Stabler. His forefinger gently traced Stabler's cheekbone and jaw. "As I told you before, Elliott, your children need you. They need stability. They need reassurance that you haven't ceased to love them, that you haven't abandoned them. I knew when I took up with you that you and your children were a package deal. Love you; love your kids. It's not a problem."
"So that must be why you're never here when they are? Damn it, George, on top of everything else, I feel like we're driving you out of your own home."
Huang was "so busted" as Stabler's kids would say. He had been finding reasons to avoid coming home when he knew Stabler's children would be there. There were always reports to be dictated at the hospital, a profile he needed to finish, a friend from the Bureau to meet for coffee, shopping to do at the Chinese market or just the desire to take a long walk in the park. "It's a complicated situation, Elliott, but that's not the same as a problem. It needs to be handled carefully. Your children need to be sure of where they stand with you. It wouldn't be wise for me to force myself into their lives at this point. Please trust me, Elliott." Huang was surprised by the need he heard in his own voice. His fingers still lightly brushed Stabler's cheek. He tried to lighten the mood a bit. "And it's our home, Elliott. Your name is on the lease, too." Stabler might or might not hear - or even want to hear - the love in that statement, but he could count on him hearing the legalese. He always did.
Stabler was quiet for a bit before he finally spoke. "Can't say as I blame you though, George. Making yourself scarce when the kids are around, I mean. They don't make it easy do they? For either of us." Before Huang could answer, Stabler said, "Yeah, I know, nobody said being a parent is easy. And I sure as hell didn't make it easy for the kids either, did I? I got myself into this. What goes around comes around. I've heard it all before, mostly because I keep telling it to myself." He sighed. "I just want to do what's right."
"It will work out, Elliott. Just give it time. Maureen seems to be understanding, if not accepting. Kathleen's at the age where being seen with any adult is a fate worse than death. It's hardest for the twins, for Elizabeth and Richard. Just be patient with them."
"Yeah. I guess. Like I have much of a choice." Stabler turned on his side facing away from Huang.
Huang's concern for the children wasn't merely because, as a doctor, he'd taken an oath to "first, do no harm." It was too late for that anyway. Stabler's deception about his true nature, his divorce and his new relationship would naturally cause some degree of harm. Huang meant to see that it caused as little as possible.
Once he'd gotten his career firmly established in New York, Huang had wanted children with his first long-term partner, a cardiologist at the Cancer Center whom he'd met in medical school. The man had come cross country with him when he'd gone to Quantico for training with the FBI and had moved with him again to New York when he'd been assigned to the Bureau there. He had managed to build a thriving practice and had liked things the way they were. He wasn't interested in making lifestyle changes to accommodate children, wasn't interested in surmounting the difficulties of adoption or surrogacy and, in the end, was no longer interested in Huang.
Huang didn't want to usurp Kathy Stabler's place in the family. He wouldn't demand that the children love him. He simply wanted to be respected, accepted and trusted, whether as a step-parent or as an honored "uncle", a perfectly acceptable position in a Chinese family. He hoped that eventually the children would feel free to come to him with problems or concerns they felt were too embarrassing or too inflammatory to spring on their parents right away, but these things took time. He didn't feel comfortable discussing it with Stabler yet. It was too soon. Given his line of work, Stabler could conceivably get the mistaken impression that he was just Huang's means of access to his children for who knew what nefarious purpose.
Huang knew that the most logical question to ask at this point would be "Do you want to go back to Kathy?", but it wasn't a question he was prepared to ask. He'd worked with the ADAs long enough to know that in a circumstance like this, one never asked a question when one wasn't sure of the answer - and he wasn't.
Stabler kept expecting Huang to ask "Do you want to go back to Kathy?" It was certainly the most logical question to ask at this point. He'd welcome the opportunity to tell Huang that despite everything he was where he wanted to be with the man he wanted in his life. But Huang was a shrink - a mind reader. He should know that without saying, right?