Title: Drinking and Dating
Pairing: McGee/Ziva, Tony/Abby
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Het
Cat: Romance, Humor
Spoilers: None.
Warnings: None.
Summary: McGee's drunk and there's only one thing he wants . . .
Author's Note: Written as a prize for Oxymoronic Alliteration for correctly guessing my Hangman puzzle. She requested Drunk!Tim. This is what she gets . . .

"Wow, I've never seen him so . . ."

"Shh, Tony. He looks like he wants to say something."

"Abby, you should not be promoting it. He is going to be embarrassed enough as it is."

"Oh, come on, Ziva. Like you aren't curious."

"Yeah. Maybe the little Probester'll reveal some deep, dark secrets about his Elflord games. And by Elflord games, I mean carnal activities, of course."

"He's drunk, Tony, not stupid."

And indeed, at that moment, Timothy McGee let out a hiccup and turned a wobbly smile towards the trio. "I love you guys," he said, and attempted to stand, but failed, leaving Tony to grab him to hold him upright.

"Little help here," Tony grunted, McGee's solid form sliding rapidly towards the floor, as McGee made little, "Whoo!" noises of pleasure.

Ziva and Abby stilled their snickers long enough to stand and help McGee into a more vertical position, then tried returning to their seats, but McGee grabbed Ziva's arm before she could. She looked down at his hand, then at Tony, who shrugged, and Abby, who grinned.

"Yes, McGee?" she asked, deciding it was best to proceed with caution.

"Ziva . . . Ziv . . . I just, I . . . you're so pretty. Have I ever told you that?" He looked at her with wide eyes.

Ziva looked slightly taken aback. "No, McGee . . . I do not believe you have . . . I think you have had enough to drink . . ."

"Pfft!" he spluttered loudly, managing to get spittle all over everyone else. They wiped at their faces and waited for him to continue his drunken speech. "I think . . . think that you guys," he shook his finger wildly at them, "are not drunk enough. No. Must drink more."

"Well, as much as I would love to get trashed," Tony started, "I am having way too much fun watching you make even more of a fool of yourself." He grinned.

McGee pouted. "Not funny, Tony." He turned his gaze to Ziva. "He's never funny. Always thinks he is, but not."

Ziva nodded somberly. "I know, McGee. Are you sure you would not like some water?"

McGee continued to stare at her and she raised an eyebrow at him. Eventually, he said, "Will you come home with me, Ziva?"

Her eyes widened, as Tony and Abby exchanged shocked, yet amused, looks in the background. "Well, I am not quite sure that is a good . . ."

"No, you're right," McGee said somewhat soberly and Ziva let out a breath of relief. He then raised his eyes to hers again and gave a sneaky smile. "It's a great idea!" He suddenly threw his arms around her. "Oh, Ziva, you're gonna come home with me and you can sleep in my bed . . ."

By this point, Tony and Abby were nearly rolling on the floor laughing, as Ziva continued to look utterly flabbergasted and simply stood still, unsure of what to do. McGee was now making purring noises into her hair, and it was all she could do to keep from laughing herself. The whole situation was just so . . . ridiculous. McGee was drunk! He was the last person she'd ever imagined getting drunk, and the fact that he was asking her to come home with him was just . . .

Ziva narrowed her eyes. "McGee, I have a question for you."

Tony and Abby's laughing slowed, but they still continued to chuckle softly, and both had rather large grins plastered on their faces. McGee, meanwhile, continued to nuzzle at Ziva's hair, muttering, "Yes?"

"Do you really want me to come home with you?" she asked, and Tony and Abby shared curious looks. "Because I am not gentle, McGee."

McGee let out a dreamy sigh. "Yes, yes. I can handle it. Federal agent."

Ziva smirked slightly. "Well, then." Now Tony and Abby just looked worried. Was Ziva about to agree to go home with McGee? And did she just threaten him? They weren't sure whom they should be more worried for.

Ziva turned to her companions in sobriety. "Looks like we will be making an early evening for ourselves."

Tony looked like he wanted to cry. "Ziva, you're not really going to . . ."

"But why not?" Ziva interrupted. "McGee is a gentleman . . ."

"Yeah, who's falling down drunk, Ziva!" Abby broke in. "Don't do something stupid."

Ziva chuckled. "I know what I am doing, Abby. And I can assure you, after tonight, McGee may never drink again."

Tony and Abby looked at each other again, now with expressions of horror on their faces. Oh yeah, they were definitely more worried about McGee now.

"Hey, McGeek, don't you wanna go watch a movie at my place or something?" Tony attempted to talk McGee out of his decision. "I'll order pizza . . . Mmm, doesn't that sound good?"

McGee nodded slowly, a smile spreading across his face. "Yeah . . ." He turned back to Ziva. "Can we get a pizza on the way back to my place?"

Ziva giggled at him. "Of course we can." She shot Tony a triumphant look.

He looked at Abby, who shrugged. "Pizza sounds good to me, too . . . We could always . . ."

Tony let out a sound of disbelief at the situation. How it had gone from simple Probie hazing to . . . this was beyond his comprehension. Suddenly McGee had convinced Ziva to go home with him and told everyone he wasn't funny. So not the truth, by the way. He had to stop this before something incomprehensible happened and McGee suddenly became . . . manlier than him.

"Alright," Tony said, his expression stern, "this ends now." He stood, only to receive glares from both Abby and Ziva.

"I do not believe you want to do that, Tony," Ziva said evenly. "Because if you do, I am sure I could think of a very creative way for you to disappear."

"And I could erase all proof," Abby said, now on her knees and boring holes into Tony's skull with her eyes.

"And I," McGee hiccupped again, "could hack into your computer and steal your identity!" He grinned at the ladies, Ziva especially, then turned his gaze to Tony, changing it to a glare.

Tony frowned. "Fine then. Take his side. See if I care." He crossed his arms over his chest, looking for all it was worth like a petulant child.

Ziva shook her head at him, tsking. "Now, just because McGee has more . . ."

"Do not even think about finishing that sentence, David," Tony said, recovering from his sulking to point a finger at her. He continued to shake it as he said, "Maybe I just never wanted you to come home with me, did you ever think of that?"

Ziva chuckled, a sneaky grin on her face. "Oh, yes. That one night of undercover work was far too much for you to handle, wasn't it?"

Tony glared at her. "After hearing the way you snore, I'd say so."

"Hey," McGee spoke up, and Tony turned his attention back to their drunk friend. "No fair picking on Ziva." Ziva gave Tony another triumphant look. "She's way too hot to be with you, anyway."

Tony's mouth fell open in shock, while Ziva attempted to stifle her laughter. Tony clamped his mouth shut again and glared at the two of them, saying, "Fine. Have your fun. But I'm telling you, you are both going to be regretting this in the morning . . ."

Ziva gave him a look. "I am sure that is the exact thought going through your mind every night when you pick up some random bimbo at the bar, yes?"

Tony gave her a look of incredulity. "I'm not going out and picking up my co-worker, am I, Zee-vah? Besides, it's not every night."

"Tony, come on," Abby interjected, tugging on his arm. "It's not like you and I haven't . . ." She stopped, her face straight. "Sorry."

Ziva gave Tony a look of disbelief, shaking her head. "I should have known. And that is enough reason for me to go home with McGee tonight." She tightened her grip on his arm. "We will see you on Monday."

McGee pointed emphatically as if to back up her words. "Yeah. Monday."

With that, they turned and walked out. Well, tried to, at least. Ziva ended up dragging McGee most of the way out of the bar, as he couldn't seem to remember how to walk. Abby watched with a grin on her face, as Tony continued to pout.

As the door shut behind the couple, Tony spoke. "I don't like this, Abbs." He turned to her and she saw just how concerned he really looked.

She put her arms around him, squeezing him more gently than she normally did. "They're adults, Tony. And if they want to sleep together . . ."

Tony looked back at the door. "Yeah, I know." He paused. "I just can't believe Ziva actually wants to sleep with Probie."

Abby rolled her eyes. "And here I thought you were being a friend."

Tony scoffed, looking back at her. "I am! Friends don't let friends sleep with co-workers." Abby glared at him. "Okay. Fine. Friends don't let friends . . . sleep with deadly assassin Mossad officers."

Abby smirked. "Very sweet, Tony. Now, come on. I'm really craving a pizza." She latched onto his arm, pulling him towards the door, leaning into his ear as she did so and murmuring, "Not to mention the thought of Timmy and Ziva's got me all hot and bothered."

Tony suddenly came to attention. "You know, we could always skip the pizza . . ."

Abby's smoky giggle followed the duo from the bar, where they got into Tony's car and sped away . . . neither of them noticing that both McGee and Ziva's cars were still in the parking lot.

Ziva had led McGee to his car, seating him in the passenger seat, then got in on the driver's side. He was clearly out of it, because he didn't even object to her possibly driving his car. She spoke softly to him. "McGee? Are you with me?"

He nodded slowly, suddenly feeling very tired. "Yeah, yeah, I got you, Ziva . . ." His eyes began drifting shut and Ziva quickly reached over and grasped his face in her hands, causing his eyes to open wide again.

Ziva let out a sigh of relief and shook her head. "We need to sober you up, McGee," she muttered, and McGee pouted.

"But this is fun," he said, still smiling drunkenly.

Ziva couldn't help but smile herself. It wasn't often at all she got a chance to see McGee completely loosened up like this. "Do you really want to sleep with me?" she asked, having a feeling of what his answer would be, but wanting to make sure. "Because I do not want you to wake up tomorrow and regret anything that happens tonight."

He rested his head against the headrest, eyes closed, and responded. "I may be drunk, Ziva, but I'm not stupid." He opened his eyes and looked over at her, and she was surprised to see that although he was clearly inebriated, his eyes showed no sign of that and . . . showed his true feelings. "I'm not trying to use you."

"Of course not," Ziva responded under her breath, and she did know he was telling the truth. That was what scared her. He might have real feelings for her. And what scared her even more was that she wasn't totally objectionable to that. "I will tell you what we will do . . ."

And so she began explaining her plan for them, for the night, to be met with smiles from McGee. It was a relief to her, to have everything out on the table like that. Neither of them would come to regret this night.

Come Monday morning, Ziva walked into the squad room, meeting McGee's gaze across the room, as Tony watched eagerly from his desk, hoping for a very awkward moment, something juicy he could go spill to Abby and then point his finger at the two of them for, claiming how right he had been. But, as it was, both Ziva and McGee smiled at each other, and Ziva made her way over to his desk, as Tony watched in shock.

"Good morning, Ziva," McGee said cheerfully, as she handed him a cup of coffee and a small bag from the coffee shop they frequented, then kissed him on the cheek.

"And good morning to you, McGee," Ziva returned the greeting. "I thought you might enjoy a small treat."

He opened the bag and grinned at the contents, pulling it out to reveal . . . a huge chocolate muffin. "It looks delicious, Ziva. Thank you."

She grinned in return. "You are very welcome." She then returned to her own desk, pretending not to notice Tony's gaping.

Tony stood up, walking towards McGee's desk. "Um, hello? Did I step into the Twilight Zone? What's going on?"

Ziva looked up at him, a serious look on her face. "It is Monday and we are at work." Looking pleased with her answer, she returned to preparing for the day.

Tony turned his attention to McGee, who was licking his lips over the prospect of that delicious muffin. "Probie! Surely you can tell me what's up."

McGee leaned back in his chair, giving Tony a sly look. "None of your business, Tony." He shared a secretive wink with Ziva, who stifled a giggle.

Tony crossed his arms over his chest, unimpressed by the lack of information he was receiving. "Alright, I get it. Not gonna tell me anything. Fine. But I'll just take that to mean nothing happened and you're trying to pull one over on me." He shook his head, an incredulous smile on his face. "You two are pretty clever, but not as clever as me. Now if you'll excuse me, I actually did get some on Friday night and I need to go arrange a duplicate performance."

He walked to the elevator, whistling, as Ziva and McGee watched him leave, then turned back to each other. McGee spoke first. "He has no clue, does he?"

"That he does not," Ziva agreed.

"So, we still on for tonight?" McGee asked, grinning.

"Of course," Ziva said, standing and making her way to his desk again, perching herself on the edge and leaning into his personal space. "And this time, will you stay awake for the whole thing?"

McGee looked embarrassed. "I've learned my lesson, Ziva – I'm never drinking again!"

THE END!