Apparently I wrote this little gem a few months before TLJ came out, so it's basically just a post-TFA thing. I only recently rediscovered this document and figured I may as well share it with the world as a weird oneshot type story. It's not meant to be taken seriously, so you are warned if it gets too ridiculous.
I wish I owned Star Wars, but I unfortunately don't.
"Why can't I go to relax and get drunk with you?" Rey had asked Finn through untrusting, shifty eyes.
"Because we both need some, you know, alone time. It's not healthy to be together all the time no matter how much two people care about each other," had been his hasty and awkward response before he fumbled that jacket onto himself and departed. Rey, of course, knew that this was a half-arsed lie and his quick getaway was just him avoiding further interrogation.
What sort of relationship was this if he was engaging in questionable activities behind her back and not spending time with her instead? Rey initially figured that Finn was a nice enough candidate for courtship since they were already close friends. Finn was even excited when she first proposed this idea to him. After all, the best person to marry is one's best friend, or so many people say. But things got off to a shaky start. Way before she even left Jakku, Rey decided that she wouldn't get anywhere past first base with anyone until she was certain she had them trapped in a marriage for life, and she could only do this to someone who she genuinely had feelings for. But herein lied the problem: she didn't really have any attraction towards Finn, besides the friendly kind.
This profoundly disturbed Rey. Why couldn't she get into this, was there something psychologically wrong with her? Finn was a nice guy who meant so much to her and made so many sacrifices for her cause. If she couldn't even develop an honest desire to procreate with Finn, what hope did she have for ever producing a healthy litter of force-sensitive offspring?
She desperately tried to make herself to do this. Oh, she tried. Rey made sure she spent every waking moment with Finn to make as many pleasant memories with him as possible. Maybe her mind would eventually be persuaded into a strong romantic bond. But all that did was creep Finn out, especially when Rey insisted on following him into the bathroom to observe his bowel movements. She tried to reason with him that watching each other's during such vulnerable moments was an intimate activity, but he wouldn't have any of it.
Rey became more and more angry with both herself and Finn. Why was he not cooperating and making this easier for her by being more loveable? Instead, the aggressive attempts at forging a passionate love pushed the confused man away. This wasn't what he had signed up for when he agreed to the relationship.
And as they grew further apart, it became more obvious that it simply wasn't meant to be anything more than a long-term friendship. Rey refused to believe it was over. It couldn't be. If not Finn, who could she ever have a future with? They just weren't fighting hard enough, clearly, she thought between sips of hard liquor. Rather than trying to address the problem, Finn was running away from it by 'getting drunk at a cantina'. Yeah, right.
Rey waited five minutes after he left so it wouldn't look like she was deliberately stalking him or anything of that nature. She downed a pint of whiskey to prepare for the worst, which was what she expected to find when she finally discovered the treacherous secret Finn was hiding from her. A grope at her belt confirmed that she was armed to the teeth with her lightsaber and a blaster in case the pursuit took her to a dark place.
Then, she made her way to the Millennium Falcon, which would serve as her means of transportation. Rey was fairly sure that she passed by Chewbacca at some point on her way there, but everything in her peripheral vision was too shadowy and blurred to accurately guess whether that brownish blob was really a Wookiee or not. By the time she had gotten into the pilot's seat, the Jedi-in-training was swimming in an irritable haze of alcoholic rage. It was a good thing she had brought an extra bottle of that liquid bliss.
"Fuck," Rey muttered as the freighter rocked from side to side and swerved in the opposite direction where she wanted it to go. Her sweaty hands held the steering wheel in a death grip for the entire ride after that near-fatal takeoff. For the first couple of seconds she had completely forgotten why she was in the Falcon in the first place, but then a switch flicked on in her head. Oh yeah, she had an unfaithful man to discreetly stalk. It was a good thing that a week prior, she had implanted a tracking chip into Finn's left thigh while he was fast asleep. She didn't need to rely on her inebriated mind's force tracking capabilities to locate his whereabouts.
If she had encountered another ship in the dead peace of outer space, Rey would have absolutely caused an accident and that would ruin her search. She was thankful for the inactivity as she tried her hardest to track the chip's omitted signal through the receiver and pilot at the same time.
The signal eventually led her to a planet that was notorious for being a sleazy nest of evil. Rey felt the flaming bile rising in her throat. Well, now all she had to uncover was the tart that Finn was undoubtedly having his vile affair with. She took another long sip from her loyal bottle of amber liquor, sticking the landing behind a dank dirty hotel and crushing a smaller ship that was parked nearby. The devil would envy the full range at which I can destroy life, Rey thought furiously to herself.
"Maybe if you parked a little further to the left there, you could have actually killed more people," A foreign voice remarked at Rey's abysmal parallel parking, almost startling her into falling out of her seat which she hadn't been secured in. Her glassy eyes darted around the interior of the cockpit to find the source of this intruding voice.
"Choke on my sacred woman dick, you worm," she shouted to no one, hoping that her offensive remark had travelled to the one who dared to interrupt her thoughts. She immediately recognized the familiar, sticky feeling left in the perpetrator's wake. She put up as good of a defense to keep him out as one might expect in such a thoroughly drunken state.
Rey peeled her backside off of the comfortable cushioned seat and swayed on unstable legs as she willed herself out of the freighter and into the dirty building of filth. She held onto the neck of the bottle; it was her only lifeline. The walls on the inside were yellowed and some dried fluids that were not paint cracked and flaked off in sheets. She wrinkled her nose and swallowed the vomit that begged for freedom at the back of her throat. There wasn't even a door to open at the entrance. This brought her spirits down, knowing that she wouldn't have anything to dramatically slam shut on her way out.
At the apparent front desk, a scaly brown alien with no discernible neck was perched in a swivelling chair. Judging by the low and gravelly pitch of its voice when it was screaming profanities into a com-link, Rey assumed its gender to be male. She staggered towards, well, him, and gave him a thousand yard stare until he was finished with his call. The creature slammed the com-link down on a stack of papers and looked up at her, straining to do this because he had no neck to
"Are you looking to set up an appointment, honey?" he asked and flashed all three of his chipped grey teeth at her. Maybe she was drunker than she thought, but this alien was setting off Rey's gaydar somehow. It was probably his pink, leopard-print tank top, or perhaps it was his strangely effeminate manner of speaking that was abundant amongst the homosexual community. Or maybe this was actually a chain-smoking elderly female, but Rey decided she wouldn't have the time to figure it out.
"Fortunately, no," she slurred and motioned at the dim hallway that had several rooms and a staircase to the next floor. "I'm here for my cheating louse of a chocolate boy, who I know is in one of these rooms. Do you run this establishment, lad?"
"Yes I do," the reptilian beast grumbled under his breath, a pocket of air filling his dewlap. He leaned forward, his naked ass cheeks making an audible squeak as they clung to the edge of the leather upholstered chair. He tapped at a cracked digital screen with a long, polished claw. "What is the boy's name, he is renting one of nine possible rooms." A bead of sweat rolled a mile down Rey's fivehead. Finn was in one of those rooms. She simultaneously could and couldn't wait to catch him in the act.
"His name is Finn, no last name," she replied quickly in hopes of getting quick results.
"Ah, is he a sort of brown guy? Brown human guy?" Rey nodded at the question, although it was more of a spastic head tilt. "Yeah, he checked into room 8 a few minutes ago with a hot young thing on his arm. One of our high-end prostitutes, too. Where did he even get that money to afford such ass, I don't fucking know." The alien pimp gestured to the staircase.
"What floor," Rey said with quiet, seething rage. She recalled that Finn actually asked if he could borrow a hundred bucks from her two days ago, now she knew what he was spending it on.
"Second floor," was the blunt response. That was all she needed to know.
Rey felt winded just climbing up the single set of stairs and decided that she may as well finish the remaining contents of the bottle to keep herself going. She stopped at the door, leaning against it for support and pressing an ear to the thin layer of wood, hoping she'd hear some scandalous noises that would pour more gasoline over the fire burning in her heart. The burning might have actually been a side-effect of the excessive alcohol abuse but that's just not poetic enough.
Sure enough, the pants and moans of sexual activity stabbed at her eavesdropping ear like lightsabers of sin. With a low growl rising from deep in her chest, Rey got a running start and charged at the door, knocking it off the hinges and barreling into the room on the other side. Panicked screams echoed off the beige, termite infested bare walls as the occupants were given the worst scare of their lives. Rey rolled off of the ground and pushed herself up from all-fours. A white foam dribbled from between her bared teeth. Her eyes took in the scene before her.
There stood Finn wrapped in a bedsheet to cover his lower half, pure dread and fear practically written in bold letters across his face. Caught red-handed, but not literally. Brown-handed would be a better way to describe his current situation.
A stained, old mattress with no bed frame laid on the floor. A dark grime occupied the space in between the tiles that composed this vile floor, if it could even be called a floor by legal definition.
Then the mistress. This observation almost sobered Rey out of her belligerent state of mind.
Finn had cheated on her with a man.
"What the fuck is this," she managed to spit out, her hand shaking when she pointed at the object of her inquiry. This guy seemed really familiar somehow. She felt like she had seen his copper hair and weasel face somewhere before, and she had a hunch that he was a high-ranking First Order official.
"For fuck's sake, what the fuck are you doing here, Rey?!" Finn bellowed. He shook with fury now that he had overcome the fear. "Did you follow me?!"
"You fucking cheated on me you bloody tr8r! If I didn't stalk you, I'd never know you're a faggot because the booty chocolate would camouflage itself on your brown dick," Rey yelled even louder and more incoherently. She waved the empty glass bottle around in a threatening manner.
The pasty nude ginger man assessed the firey tension and decided this was his cue to leave. "Oh my, Supreme Leader Snoke would be very cross to learn that he is sharing me with another man," he murmured and wrung his hands, troubled. He pranced out the window for a speedy getaway before the confrontation escalated, wearing nothing but a lacy red bra.
"And who was your little twink boy whose arse you just plowed?" Rey demanded after the male prostitute majestically vanished into the night.
"Don't talk about General Hux like that," Finn snapped defensively, stepping in front of the window. "Just because he's a nazi doesn't mean he doesn't have emotions and dreams to fulfill."
"You bloody gungan abortion, you lied to me about being with the Resistance and now you lied about being a gay. I am glad I never touched genitals with you, you are used goods and therefore not worthy of my sexual conquest. I say good day sir," the Jedi-in-training mumbled before hurling the bottle at Finn's head. He ducked down just in time to feel the projectile skim across his scalp and shatter into a billion pieces against the wall directly behind him. The tiny shards of amber glass scattered across the floor and some even landed in the puddle of semen, which was a byproduct of the gay affair.
"Dammit bitch! This will take all night to clean up!" Finn exploded as he was triggered, his eyes wide and his hands in the air. "We really are over after this." Then he rubbed at his brow, exhaling heavily through his nose. Rey stayed motionless for a good ten seconds as her brain, which was pickling itself in cheap booze, fully processed the circumstances. Then she snarled and the foul mattress behind her now ex-boyfriend self-destructed, sending bedsprings shooting into the ceiling and killing whoever was fucking in the room directly above that one. In the force-induced annihilation of the ratty piece of furniture, some asbestos and a family of roaches were also released from their decades of captivity. This festering capsule of disease left smithereens of HIV to litter the room and only further exacerbated the mess caused by the broken glass.
"You should start cleaning soon then, or you won't get any sleep tonight," Rey said coldly. She turned triumphantly and prepared herself for the journey away from this disaster, fighting for control over her legs. She stepped out of the confined space and sighed in the face of the dimly lit corridor. The single light fixture flickered on and off, although she couldn't be sure if her emotions running wild had an effect on this.
The ex-stormtrooper emerged from the cave of sperm, asbestos, roaches, and broken glass. He would be responsible for the damage now, and would have to pay for it out of his pocket. "Fuck," he said before turning around and assessing the total cost of repair. Finn would likely be in debt for a few years, but he had no regrets over his fun affair; it was fun while it lasted.
Yeah, I don't know what drugs were in my system when I came up with that plot twist affair.