Since I'm finally back into writing again, I figured I could only ignore Yappy Obi and his crazed band of friends for so long. Mush-Starved Obi. Mush-Avoider Qui. No Nonsense Master Bren, and others. I didn't intend on my first Yappy Obi effort back after a long hiatus, to end up being my longest story EVER. My very own epic. But the boy just kept on talking, so I had to keep on writing him.
TITLE: Desert Chatter
SUMMARY: Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan tag along with their friend Master Bren, to Tatooine, where the adventures of yappy and mush-starved Obi, continue.
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid PG
MY WEBSITE: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. There is no profit made from the writing or distribution of this story.
February 19, 2008
Desert Chatter
(The three Jedi walked quickly down the ramp of the transport ship. Not two seconds after they had touched their boots to the sandy surface of the planet Tatooine, did the ship rocket away from the surface faster than the Jedi had ever known a ship to depart. Qui-Gon Jinn, his thirteen year old apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and their friend, Master Bren Anders, coughed up the dust created by kickback of the ships departure.)
Obi: Master, he barely let us get off the ship. I think he was trying to get away from us.
Qui: Deductive reasoning seems to be one of your strong points, Obi-Wan. Do you think it had anything to do with the fact that you ran your lips non-stop while we were on the ship? That you asked the pilot enough questions to last him a decade? That you asked if you could hug him if he made a safe take-off, flight and then landing?
Obi: Nah, none of that stuff.
Bren: Boys, we have to find a transport. The first conference is in two hours. I'm one of the speakers on this one. We need transportation, now.
Obi: Where are we going, Master Bren?
Bren: Pay attention, kid. You asked me that ten times already. We need to get to the city of D'koj. Hey, over here. Come on.
(She ran towards a small, nearby hut. There she found a very tall, very stocky creature. He was taller than Qui-Gon, with long black hair. A humanoid type creature, but his skin was dark blue, and his eyes a sharp contrasting yellow. He had four long fingers on each hand, and webbing between each of them. Other than that, he was more human than anything else in appearance. Bren walked up, looked up…way up, and introduced herself.)
Bren: Hello up there, sir. My name is Jedi Master Bren Anders. Could you direct me to someone who might serve as a transport for me and my friends while we are here on the planet for the next three weeks?
(The man looked down at her. The voice that followed was gruff and strangely accented for the planet, but friendly.)
Juble: Mornin' to ya, Jedi. I'm known as Juble Jubalee. Ya kin call ma Juble. Thatza neece lookin' robi yer wearin'. Brown is ma color, ya know. Seems ta blen en wit da place. Who might be yer lil fren ova hea?
(Obi-Wan had been standing behind Qui-Gon who was in turn several steps behind Bren. But when he heard the odd looking man begin to talk, he inched out to be seen, then ran up to stand next to Bren.)
Obi: Hi Mister Jubles, I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Juble: Itz Juble, youngin'. Wit no 's' on da en. Oba-Wen Kenabee?
Obi: Obi-Wan Ken…
Juble: Too strange fer maself. I'll juz call ya Lil Hoss. 'Kay?
(Obi-Wan smiled and started to launch himself at Juble. Bren caught him by the hood of his robe and yanked him back. The boy fell flat on his back with a small thud.)
Obi: Ow! Master, Bren! What did you do that for?
Bren: First of all, you really need to stop launching yourself at strangers. Or at anyone for that sake. You don't know this man. Just because he gives you a funny nickname, does not mean he wants to hug you.
(Qui-Gon stepped forward as Obi-Wan dusted himself off. He held out a hand to Juble.)
Qui: Mister Juble, I am Qui-Gon Jinn. Obi-Wan is my apprentice. Please excuse his enthusiasm. He has issues.
Juble: Heza gonna be Lil Hoss, I'll call ya Big Hoss.
(Obi-Wan giggled, then looked up at Bren.)
Obi: Can I hug him now?
Bren: NO! Stop it.
Qui: Hoss is an interesting name. I would prefer Qui-Gon however.
Juble: Ya wanna transport, I'll call ya Big Hoss. It feets ya.
Qui: You can give us transport?
Juble: Sure kin! Whereva ya wanna go. Ma speeda might not be da mos powaful aroun', but it can outrun anythin' on one leg. I would be glad ta helop da three of ya's.
Obi: One leg? Um…Master?
Bren: Shut up, Obi-Wan. If it can move forward, we're on it. Juble, we would love to take you up on your offer. Can you have us to D'koj in a hour?
Juble: Surely I kin, ya aren't serious in askin' me that, are ya?
Bren: I am very serious. And my name is Bren, not Shirley.
(Juble unleashed a huge belly laugh that took him five minutes to recover from.)
Juble: I like ya, Jedi Bren. Ya remind me of ma Suga. She's ma wife of meeny yeas. Shez smart mouthed to, ya know. Now, where we's goin' ageen? I fergit alreada.
Bren: D'koj.
Juble: Theez way theen, ma frens.
(The trio followed the blue creature to his speeder. It was small, but with enough room for everyone to fit comfortably enough. They loaded their bags into the storage area, then squeezed into the back.)
Juble: Jedi Bren if ya canna feet in da meedle there, ya kin come up an sit wit me hea.
Bren: I'm fine. Besides it's better for the planet if these two stay separated.
(They arrived at D'koj with time to spare, despite the awkwardness of the ride. It was loud and dusty, but fast enough. Juble left them off and gave them a call number for when they needed transport again.)
Juble: Ya needs ennathin, ya let me know. (Then he ruffled Obi-Wan's hair). Take care, Lil Hoss.
(Obi-Wan almost fell over, but Qui-Gon caught him in time as Juble headed away from them.)
Obi: I like him, Master. He talks funny and he ruffles my hair and he calls me Lil Hoss. Don't you like your nickname?
Qui: No.
Bren: Boys, I'll talk to you later. I'm off to conference number one. Behave yourselves. (She hurried towards a stone building to the left and disappeared.)
Obi: What do we do now, Master? Did you notice this place? It's a desert. It makes me feel funny. I sense something…odd. Are you going to come here twelve years from now and save a whiny slave boy and then take him as your apprentice and reject me right in front of the Council? That's not nice if you do that, Master. I mean, how could you just toss me out like that, after so many years of dedication? So many years of support. So many years of…
Qui: Your mouth. What are you talking about, Obi-Wan?
Obi: You just wait. Remember this moment in twelve years. What if slave boy tries to take over the galaxy? What if he tries to kill me in a river of lava? He's not a nice boy, Master.
Qui: Okay, I'm not going to respond to you, because you are making no sense. What boy? What river? What…never mind. Come on, let's find something to eat.
(They walked deeper into the town of D'koj.)
Obi: Master, this place really is creepy. It gives me the heebie jeebies. And I don't get those easily. I don't even know what they are. I don't think I even want to hug any of these people.
Qui: That's not a bad thing, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Don't you feel it? There's something about that boy.
Qui: What boy are you talking about?
Obi: The one who will try and kill me eventually. Remember? We just talked about this, Master. Pay attention.
Qui: Here, there's a place to eat. Over…there…
(A slim, dark haired woman walked by. She was plain looking. There was nothing to make her stand out. But Qui-Gon was curious and began to walk away from the eatery and towards the woman.)
Obi: Master…aren't we going to…what are you doing? Master, are you drooling?
(Obi-Wan had to jog to keep up with the long strides of his tall teacher.)
Obi: Hello? Master? Food? Eat? Hungry?
Qui: Shhh! Don't scare her.
Obi: I'm a thirteen year old pale human with a braid sticking out of my ear. Who would be scared of that?
Qui: I mean don't scare her with your yappy mouth or your incessant need for hugs. I need to find out more about that woman, she's…she makes me…she…
Obi: Uh oh. Adult mush. This is bad. Should I call 911? Better yet, should I call Master Bren?
Qui: You will do no such thing. I wish to live past today. I am only curious. That's all.
(He hurried towards the woman, but almost as if she was sensing being followed, she sped up and then ducked into a nearby store.)
Obi: Wow, she's fast. You should wait here until she comes back out, Master. Then you can start stalking her again.
Qui: I am not stalking her. I just wish to see her. And watch her. And talk to her. And…
(Obi-Wan put his hands over his ears.)
Obi: LALALALALALALA! I don't hear you! Don't need to hear about adult mush! LALALALALALALA!
(Qui-Gon pulled the boy's hands from his head.)
Qui: Would you hush! We will be here for three weeks. It's not so odd to make acquaintances and learn about the locals. It's a good learning experience for you. Just because we are not here on a mission, does not mean you should stop trying to learn. Every planet is a teacher. Every person is a teacher. Every…woman…oh, there she is again. Come on!
(The woman came out of the store carrying a sack of fruit and hurried on her way, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan in tow. They continued to follow her until a familiar voice startled them.)
Bren: Boys! There you are. What are you doing all the way out here?
(Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow and looked up at his master.)
Obi: Get yourself out of this one, Master.
Qui: Oh, hi Bren. Just out for a walk. Stretching our legs. Feels good. It's not too hot right now. And we were on that ship for a long time. It tires Obi-Wan out too, so he doesn't run his lips that much in the evening.
Obi: But, Master, what about that wom…
(Qui-Gon kicked the boy in the back of the leg.)
Obi: Ow!!
Qui: So, Bren. Would you like to find something to eat?
Bren: You two haven't eaten yet? I thought you would have done that first thing.
Obi: We tried. But some woman got in the way. (Another kick). Ow! Master!
Bren: Is there something going on that I should know about?
Qui: Nothing at all. You know Obi-Wan and his flying lips. We should eat and then find a place to stay.
Bren: Oh, we already have that. The committee scheduling the meetings has lodged everyone in that building I came from. The rooms are small, but ours has two beds and a kitchenette and bathroom. We can make it work.
Obi: Only two beds? I can't sleep in the same room as you two. What if you start all that sickening nickname kissing crap? That'll just make me vomit. Then I'll end up in the bathroom all night. And I seriously doubt that there is a bed in the bathroom.
Qui: Don't worry. You get to sleep on the floor. Bren and I each will get a bed.
Obi: The floor? That's mean. What about my young, fragile bones? They aren't finished growing yet. Lying on the hard floor will stunt my growth. I want to be a tall as you one day, Master. That won't happen if I have to sleep on floors.
Qui: You'll live.
Bren: If it gets too bad, kid, I'll make room for you.
Obi: Aww, thanks, Master Bren. I love you. See, Master? See how easy it was?
Qui: You're on the floor. Deal with it. If I see you on a bed, I will tie your braid to the door handle and make you sleep like that.
Obi: You are very grumpy sometimes.
Qui: Yes, I am.
(They found a place to eat, then headed back to the stone conference building. The apartment they'd been given was tiny. The two beds were singles, with barely enough room for Qui-Gon's frame. His feet did hang over the end. The bathroom would have been perfect for Yoda. The sink was at Qui-Gon's knees. The shower held enough room for a human to turn around, but not without bashing elbows and knees into walls. The kitchenette was a little bigger, but the cooling unit took up much of the room.)
Obi: Master Yoda will be jealous of this room. Master, that bed isn't long enough for you. You'd better take the floor.
Qui: I'll deal with it.
Obi: But it's not good for your back to have your legs hang over the end of the bed. Trust me, you'll appreciate my sacrifice by me taking the bed.
Qui: You either sleep on the floor or in the cooling unit.
Bren: Hey, kid, there's a bottle of baja juice in here.
(Obi-Wan hurried to the cooling unit and smiled.)
Obi: Yes! My favorite. It's not in a barrel though. That's good. That stuff makes me pee like a racehorse. But It's GOOD! Can I have that, Master? Can I, can I, can I, can I?
Qui: Yes, but that's your dessert.
(Obi-Wan gulped the juice down in record time, then sighed contently.)
Obi: Ahhhh! That's some good stuff. They should bottle it and market it.
(Bren held up the empty 'bottle'.)
Obi: Oh, yeah…well, you know what I mean. Wait…what's it say on that bottle? (He looked closely at the teeny writing.) 'Made in Tatooine.' What? Baja juice is made HERE? On this planet? Master, we have got to find out where. There must be a bottling plant around here somewhere. A huge factory with hundreds of little low-paid workers churning these things out like hotcakes, just so thirsty little guys like me can chug 'em down.
Qui: Obi-Wan, you have seen this planet so far, right? Do you see anything that resembles a huge bottling plant? I don't think so.
Obi: Then we have to find out where the fruit grows. Do you think it grows on trees?
Qui: Tatooine. Desert. Have you seen any trees?
Obi: Well, no. But…well, maybe it grows underground?
Qui: A fruit?
Obi: It could happen.
Bren: It's probably on another part of the planet, Obi-Wan. I'll ask around in the next meeting…which is…(she checked the wall chrono) in twenty minutes. Damn. This is not fun already. Bye, boys. See ya tonight.
(Bren flew out of the door. Qui-Gon picked up his robe off the bed, draped it around his shoulders and readied himself to leave.)
Obi: You're going to stalk that woman again, aren't you?
Qui: Please stop saying that. I am not. I just want to find out where she lives.
Obi: So you can drool on her? Master Bren…
Qui: Doesn't need to know about this. I'm doing nothing wrong. I'm only looking. Bren looks. I've seen her drool after Master Cyan.
Obi: You mean, Fabio? Archives Mari is dating him now.
Qui: I thought she was with Brazo?
Obi: She is.
Qui: But you just said…
Obi: Yes, I know what I said.
Qui: So, Mari is…ewww! That's so wrong.
Obi: You're starting to sound like me.
Qui: Don't scare me, Obi-Wan. I'll return shortly.
(He left Obi-Wan alone. The boy took advantage of it and flopped down onto the bed. He was sound asleep in less than two minutes.)
(He woke when he felt himself being pushed off the bed and thumped onto the floor.)
Obi: Ow! Master!
Qui: My bed. Your floor.
Obi: How'd the stalking go? Did you find her?
Qui: No, but I know where she lives.
Obi: Creepy, creepy man you are.
Qui: I will go introduce myself to her tomorrow. Perhaps she can tell us more about where the baja juice is made.
Obi: Master, I'm not an idiot. I do know you are only saying that to shut me up and to keep me from saying anything to Master Bren. But, being the sucker that I am, I accept.
Qui: Good. Good night, Padawan.
Obi: Aren't you getting a shower? You stink.
Qui: Yes, I am. But you are going to sleep. It's late. Bren will be back soon. But you won't be up. Ready? (He reached a hand towards the boy's head.)
Obi: But…Mas…
(A small force suggestion and Obi-Wan was out cold. Qui-Gon found the shower hot, but small. He estimated about five bruises that would show up later. He toweled himself off and put on a sleep tunic. Bren was back by the time he was ready to turn in.)
Qui: How'd the meeting go?
Bren: This place is full of morons. How do they even function?
Qui: Good time then, huh?
Bren: Shut up, Stretch. I'm getting a shower before I bust a blood vessel. Good night.
(The next morning, Qui-Gon awoke to find the padawan sprawled across him, sound asleep and snoring loudly.)
Qui: What the…Obi-Wan, get off me. Now!
(There was no response, so the master held out a hand, called to the Force and raised the boy up, over and back onto the floor. A gentle thud was the only sound. Until he woke.)
Obi: Why am I on the floor again?
Qui: There shouldn't be an 'again'. You should have stayed there. These beds aren't big enough for two people. They are barely big enough for one.
Obi: I have a neck cramp, Master. Thanks to you. I told you sleeping on the floor was not healthy.
Qui: Your cramp is from lying across me, with your head hanging off the bed. It's the bed that's not healthy for you.
Obi: I'm hungry. (He sat up and glanced at the other bed.) Where's Master Bren?
Qui: Meeting.
Obi: But it's only…the sun isn't even up yet.
Qui: It will be shortly.
Obi: Can we find baja plants today? Or do you need to stalk your woman again?
Qui: She's not my woman. We can look for baja plants, after we visit her.
Obi: You say that like she knows you are coming to see her and that she is waiting for you. She doesn't know who you are, Master. All she knows is that some tall bearded guy in a brown robe has been following her for the last day. It's a little creepy from her end of things.
Qui: She has no idea that I have been following her. I've used the Force to mask myself.
Obi: Oh, this is getting better. Now you are hiding from her while you stalk her. Master, people go to prison for things like this.
Qui: Enough. Get changed and fix your hair. Looks like a rooster sat on your head. We leave in twenty minutes.
(And twenty minutes later they were out the door. Juble was waiting outside with his speeder as the sun began its rise, and the cool night transformed into the hot day.)
Juble: Lil Hoss! Itz gud ta sees ya ageen. I meesed ya. Where would ya like ta go?
Obi: To see the baja plants. Do they grow here?
Juble: Another baja juice fan, huh? I knew I wuz likin' ya fer sum reason, Lil Hoss. I know juz where ta take ya.
Qui: We have a stop to make first, Juble.
Obi: Master Qui-Gon is in love. (Qui-Gon kicked the boy in the shin as he sat next to him in the backseat.) But she doesn't even know who he is yet. He wants to go tell her this morning.
Qui: Shut up, Obi-Wan (The words came out hushed, but forceful.)
Juble: Persona bidness don mean nuttin' ta me, Big Hoss. Juz show me da way, I kin gitcha dere.
(Qui-Gon pointed the way to the town where the dark-haired woman lived. He asked Juble to wait, and told Obi-Wan to wait in the speeder. He walked towards the stone house and knocked on the door.)
Qui: Hello?
(The plain woman came to the door and looked up at him. A knowing smile crossed her face. Qui-Gon almost fell over.)
Shmi: May I help you?
Qui: I am Hoss…I mean, Qui-Gon Jinn (he winked). I'm here visiting with a friend. I saw you yesterday in D'koj.
Shmi: A Jedi, I see. Please, come in.
(Back at the speeder, Obi-Wan was passing the time talking to Juble.)
Obi: Do you like to hug, Juble?
Juble: Depenz on ya siteeation. If dere's a reason fer it, sure thing!
Obi: You have to have a REASON to hug? You just don't hug people for the fun of it?
Juble: Mosta tha people I know, Lil Hoss, they don take ta well ta bein' yanked inta a hug for na reason. Ya kin git hurt roun' theez parts doin' things like that.
Obi: Oh. Well, if you ever need a hug, just let me know. I've never hurt anyone before for a hug. I need to call my Master. I need to make sure he hasn't drooled himself into dehydration while he's in there.
(Obi-Wan pulled out his comlink and clicked it on.)
Obi: Master, this is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Are you okay? Is she still alive? Did you hug her? I hope there's no adult mush going on in there. Master Bren will not be happy with you.
Qui: Obi-Wan?
Obi: Yes, Master.
Qui: I need a midicholorian count on this sample I am about to send you.
Obi: You need a what, who, when? What?
Qui: You heard me.
(Then where was a CLICK disconnecting the transmission as Qui-Gon hung up.)
Obi: He just clicked me! Can you believe that? He confused me with big words and then CLICK! No goodbye. No thank you, Obi-Wan. No I love you. No it's been good talking to you, Padawan. Nothing. Just…click. Humph!
(He folded his arms and sat back into the seat, in full pout mode.)
Juble: Lil Hoss, ya takin' thees a lil hard, ain't cha? Hez wit hiz lady fren. Ya juz gotta wait it out.
Obi: It's not his lady friend. It's some woman he was stalking all day yesterday and drooling over. He doesn't even know her. Just can't keep his hormones in check. I hate adult mush. I thought Jedi weren't allowed to do adult mush anyway? How come he can do it and the Council doesn't care? Oh, I bet because they do it too. I knew there was something going on between Yoda and Yaddle. Two trolls in one room? Not a coincidence, I tell you. That's just…blech! I don't even want to think about that. Makes my stomach churn. And if my apprentice, that whiny slave boy that isn't alive yet, but comes from this planet, ever tries that adult mush crap with that cinny headed girl, I will knock his butt from here to Hoth. It's bad enough that my hair will look like a mullet. But I am NOT sitting there while he and cinny-head slobber on each other. Not while I'm his master. No way, Jose.
Juble: Lil Hoss, whatcha yakkin' 'bout? Yer thirteen, ain't cha? Lotsa time ta worry 'bout all that masta stuff later in life, huh?
Obi: Yes, I guess so. I'm gonna call Master Qui-Gon again.
(The comlink clicked on and Obi-Wan began.)
Obi: Master Qui-Gon? It's Obi-Wan Kenobi. Are you dehydrated yet? Should I come save you?
Qui: Obi-Wan?
Obi: Yes, Master?
Qui: There's something about this boy…(CLICK!)
Obi: Master! Don't click me again. What boy? Is that the boy that I was just talking about? Don't you go adopting him right now. He's not even born yet. You can't claim him. Hello?
Juble: Lil Hoss, ya need a hobby. Ha 'bout hotweeren' speedas? Ya neva know. It might come een handa sum day, wheen ya least spectin' it. Ya know, wheen ya look behind ja, and therez sum beeg feesh gittin' ya? Then ya look out da front winda of yer underwata frog craft and ya see thees beeg 'ole alligata lookin' thing? Ya lose powa ta ya craft. Ya start seenkin to da battom. Knowin' howz ta hotweere yer vehicle sure gonna come en handa at a time like that, ya think?
Obi: I really don't have any idea what you just said. But I'm game for anything.
Juble: 'Kay then, see dis powa console on ma speeda hea? Watch.
(He took out his small hand blaster and bashed his computer console with the handle. Sparks flew. The engine died.)
Obi: You want me to beat the crap out of your speeder? That seems a little violent for a hobby. Can't I just hug something?
Juble: Nah, Lil Hoss. Ya gonna feex it now.
Obi: Yes. Okay. No. Um. You're a little off, aren't you?
Juble: I'ma teachin ya, kid. Pays attention ta me. And youz one ta be talkin' 'bout crazy, youngin'. Ya juz like a cheeken wit na head, ya know? Watch.
(He stuck his hand into the console, fire and sparks flew in every direction. Smoke followed. Juble pulled his hand from the wires, listened for a moment, and then smiled as the engine sputtered to life. Obi-Wan sat dumfounded.)
Obi: Yes, I want to learn that. Well, without the whole flames shooting up the arm thing. Can you teach me?
Juble: Sure thing.
Obi: Wait. Let me call my master and tell him what I'm doing. (Comlink went on). Master? It's Obi-Wan Kenobi. Are you there?
Qui: Obi-Wan?
Obi: Yes, Master?
Qui: He has much to learn of the living Force, but he is capable.
Obi: What? Who? That boy again? Damn him! Oh, Master, I'm going to smash up Mr. Juble's speeder and then fix it, okay?
Qui: They will kill you if you stay. (CLICK!)
Obi: That's nice. Thank you. (Then he took the hilt of his saber and bashed it against the speeders console.)
(A bit later, Qui-Gon finally returned. He sat next to Obi-Wan in the back seat. Glancing over, he saw his padawans face covered in black soot. The sleeves of his robe tinged and burned. His hands with burn marks covering them. But he looked content.)
Qui: I won't even ask what you've been doing.
Obi: I wouldn't talk. You were in there for two hours, Master. What did you do for that long?
Qui: We talked.
Obi: About what?
Qui: This and that. Her life. My life. The future. Children. That type of thing.
Obi: Master Bren is going to kick your butt. If she finds this out, she'll crush you into tiny bits and blahhhhhhhst you into oblivion.
Qui: Bren will know nothing of my visit with Shmi.
Obi: Shmoo whoo?
Qui: Shmi. Isn't it lovely?
Obi: Sounds like something you put on toast.
Qui: I didn't mention that I had an apprentice by the way.
Obi: I didn't expect you to. Why would you acknowledge me now of all times?
Qui: We are going to visit again tomorrow.
Obi: Um…
Qui: And Bren will not know. Why? Because I will grant you the two things you want more than anything right now?
Obi: Burn lotion and a new robe?
Qui: No, the other two things.
Obi: Mush and baja juice?
(Qui-Gon smiled, reached over the pulled Obi-Wan into an enormous hug. And he didn't let go. He held it for a solid two minutes. It took Obi-Wan about ten minutes to recover and regain his senses. By that time, Juble had flown them to the local hot spot for baja fruit plants.)
Juble: Hea we are. Lil Hoss, ya kin pic enna of da fruit ya want. Den ya take one of theez hea barrels…
Obi: I can make my very own barrel o' baja! I'm in heaven. I don't care if that boy is gonna make my life hell in the next decade. Or that you desert me when you come back to drool over toast woman again. Or if some whiny wanna-be Jedi and his Bigfoot looking friend, will someday lead the Jedi to overthrow the Empire…I don't care. I love this place. Can I move here? It's a little hot, sure. My face might melt off in the blistering sun. But I can deal.
Qui: No, you can't move here but yes you can have as much baja juice as you want. And if you drink so much that you get sick to your stomach, I'll hug you and make it all better.
Obi: Will you help my burnt hands too? Put skin lotion on them and wrap them in bandages?
Qui: Anything for my padawan.
Obi: Okay, you can see that Shmoozer lady as much as you want. I like this version of you. Master Bren will just have to…
(A voice stopped the boy in mid-sentence.)
Bren: Master Bren will have to what?
Obi: Master Bren! Look at all these baja plants! Wait, how did you know this is where we were?
Bren: You left me a message, you twit. Remember?
(She punched a code into her comlink and Obi-Wan's voice spilled out: "Master Bren, this is Obi-Wan Kenobi. We're going to see the baja plants. I promise we're not doing anything wrong. Master Qui-Gon hasn't drooled all day long. I swear. He even hugged me. I love him. Well, I love this version of him. Can we keep him? Bye.")
Qui: Thank you, Obi-Wan.
Bren: I smell something fishy, boys.
Juble: Nah ma'am, that's juz ma feetoes. Sorra 'bout that.
Bren: Not what I meant, Grumble.
Juble: That's Juble, ma'am.
Bren: Right. I'm keeping an eye on you both. When you start working together, that either means you are up to smoothing sneaky, or the galaxy is about to implode on itself. I'm thinking it's the former.
Obi: Are your meetings finished, Master Bren?
Bren: I wish. I have another two today and then five for tomorrow. How am I supposed to get anything else done when I'm in meetings all day? And if one more person talks down to me because I'm a woman or goes behind my back to get information that they should be getting from me, I'll be making them sing soprano.
Obi: Ouch. Master, did you hear that? I don't think soprano would sound good on you. Besides, you don't look Italian at all.
Qui: What?
Juble: Da plants, boy. Getz dem plants whiles ya kin.
Obi: Oh right. But, I can't pick the fruits with my hands all burned up. (Then he glanced up at Qui-Gon, sneaky smile crossing his face.) Oh, Master. Would you pick some baja fruits for me and squeeze them into a barrel? I would like a whole barrel full of juice please.
Qui: I think not, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Master Bren, do you know someone named Schmooi? No wait…Schimze…no…um…(Qui-Gon kicked him again.) OUCH! Stop that!
Qui: I'll be glad to pick the fruit for you, my dear Padawan. Let's go into the field.
(The pair left. Obi-Wan skipped alongside his teacher's long strides until they got into the cream of the crop of baja plants. Juble and Bren were left standing together.)
Juble: Dems a coupla odd ones, ain't dey?
Bren: Very. And something is very wrong with this picture.
Juble: Dat lil one, heza vera hah-strung. And boy kin he yappa. I think ma ears done burned cleen off taday. Ya know?
Bren: I do. But why are they so happy right now. Why is Qui-Gon treating him so sweetly? Something is very backwards here.
Juble: Ya's gotz troll problems ta?
Bren: Huh?
Juble: Ya said backwards. Only trollz is backwards that I knowz of.
Bren: Not trolls, but something…
(That evening when they arrived back at their room, Qui-Gon carefully cleaned Obi-Wan's burns and wrapped them gently in sterile bandages. Other than washing, there wasn't much to be done about the robe while they were here. So he'd have to deal with the burned sleeves. Obi-Wan didn't last long. He was dead asleep by the time the bandages were on. Qui-Gon picked him up and lowered him to the floor for the night. Then morning arrived. And Obi-Wan had again made his way onto the bed. This time, he had somehow tucked himself behind Qui-Gon's back, and curled himself into the large robe. So when Qui-Gon got up and went to turn over, he heard a yelp as he partially squished the boy behind him.)
Qui: Obi-Wan! What are you doing? Get off the bed. Get out of my robe. NOW!
(Obi-Wan rolled off the bed, taking the large robe with him and proceeding to get tangled in the arms. He lay thrashing about on the floor, arms and legs covered in brown cloth and flying everywhere.)
Qui: Obi-Wan, get off of my robe. It's not a blanket.
Obi: Master…help! It's got me. I can't see. It's taking me in. Help! I think I can hear the ocean in this thing.
Qui: Damn it, Obi-Wan! Get out or no more hugs, no more baja juice.
(Obi-Wan poked his head out from under the robe and gave a crooked grinned look to his master.)
Obi: It's not my fault that you have a robe the size of Yankee Stadium.
Qui: What?
Obi: Never mind. (Untangling himself, he kicked the robe off and hopped up, towards the kitchenette area.) Is Master Bren gone again?
Qui: Another meeting.
Obi: Do you think she's really in a meeting? Or maybe she's drooling over Master Cyan again?
Qui: Cyan…that Fabio looking Jedi? He's not here.
Obi: Yes he is. I saw him yesterday with Archives Mari and Master Brazo.
Qui: Why would they be here?
Obi: Following us? Or maybe Master Cyan and Brazo area after that Smoozer lady too.
Qui: They'd better not be. I saw her first.
Obi: Wow. At least you said that without drooling.
Qui: We're leaving. Now. Call Juble.
Obi: Okay. Should I leave a message for Master Bren?
Qui: No. Just walk out the door.
(Ten minutes later, Juble picked them up and sped them to D'koj. Qui-Gon jumped out of the speeder as they stopped near Shmi's hovel. He vanished inside.)
Obi: I've never seen him move so fast.
Juble: Meez think heza in luv, Lil Hoss.
Obi: We're not allowed to be in love. Jedi can't do that. It's against the code, thankfully. Adult mush should be banned from any and all existence.
Juble: Den ya woulda neva been bern.
Obi: Huh?
Juble: Yer parents canna have a lil 'un if dey don ah…ya know.
Obi: I don't know my parents.
Juble: Don matta none. Ya were bern becuz of thees adult mush ya go on and on 'bout.
Obi: Oh, that's so wrong. Why did you have to tell me that? I've got to save Master Qui-Gon. I need to tell Master Bren.
Juble: Oh, Lil Hoss, ya shuld leave it alone. Let theem adults werk dem things out fer themselves, ya know?
Obi: But, they can't. Master Qui-Gon is ruled by his raging hormones right now. And Master Bren is so stressed out from all the meetings, she's ready to commit murder…and Master Qui-Gon might be the victim when she finds out that he's drooling over Ms. Shmoozy. It will be bad.
Juble: Do's whatcha gotz ta, youngin'.
(Obi-Wan opened his mouth to respond, but stopped when he saw three familiar faces walking towards him. Master Brazo. Archives Mari. And the Jedi known best for posing on the cover of Jedi romance holo-novels, Master Cyan. Also known as Fabio to his fans with his long flowing hair and well-muscled sculpture. Obi-Wan launched himself at Brazo and was greeted with a huge bellowing hello and a huge hug.)
Obi: What are you doing here? I'm waiting for Master Qui-Gon to come back out. He's in there slobbering on some strange woman.
Mari: See? I told you it was him. I heard his big, flappy lips a mile away yesterday.
Obi: Archives Mari, why are you were with both Master Brazo and Master Cyan? Are they part of your posse? I didn't think Jedi were allowed to have posses. I tried to start a mush posse once and it got shot down.
Mari: My business is none of your business, as usual.
(Cyan, looked down from his huge, tall frame).
Cyan: We're here to film a few shots of me for the next holo novel. I invited Mari and Brazo along.
Obi: I thought you were giving up the whole adult mush novel thing?
Cyan: I had planned to. But I admit, I miss the attention. And the chance to show off my sexy body. I put a lot of work into looking this good. Oh, and the credits are helpful too. I've been able to bleach my teeth and my hair with the extra money I've earned.
Obi: Yes, that's important when you are a Jedi.
Brazo: Where's Qui-Gon?
Obi: Oh, he's um…visiting someone. Someone who is teaching him to drool on command. It's an icky story, I won't go into it. (Then he held up his barrel o'baja from yesterday.) Baja juice?
Mari: How can you drink that crap? It filled with sugar.
Obi: This is right from the fruit itself. I squeezed it yesterday. Did you want me to show you where the plants are? I can show you how you can squeeze your own barrel full. This stuff is so good, I would shower in it. Of course it would make my whole body all sticky and then my clothes would stick to me, and I'd have to peel them off. Or I could just shower IN my clothes, but then the baja would stick to the clothes and when I sneak into the bed that I'm not supposed to be in while were here, I'd end up being stuck to Master Qui-Gon in the morning. And then he wouldn't be able to kick me off and I wouldn't be able to land with a soft thud back on the floor, which is where I started from in the beginning. Are you sure you don't want me to squeeze a barrel of baja for you?
Mari: I'd like to squeeze that little head of yours.
(She moved towards Obi-Wan, with her hands outstretched, making squeeze motions. Brazo stopped her finally.)
Brazo: Okay, that's all. Obi-Wan say hello to Qui-Gon for us. We have to go.
Obi: Okay, but I don't think he'll care much that you were here once he comes back out of there. Slobbering can do that to a person.
Brazo: Yes, well…okay then. Bye. (They hurried off leaving Obi-Wan and Juble alone again.)
Juble: Ya gotz sum odd frens dere, boy. Dat dere Mari woman wanted ta kick yer butta. Shez a lil skeery. Haz her own posse and evrathin'.
Obi: She's okay. She has a lot of stress. I really would hug her if she asked for one. I love Archives Mari, she makes me laugh. Uh oh…
(Obi-Wan pointed to the trail of people falling in the wake of the trio that just strode away. The power of Cyan once again working.)
Obi: They all thud for him. He has that much power. That's why they call him Fabio. Look, women, men, wookies, hutts, droids, bantha's…all of them…bam bam BAM bam bam BAM. It's like dominoes.
Juble: I weesh I had dat kinda powa.
Obi: No one has that kind of power.
(Their attention to the moving thud trail was interrupted by Qui-Gon who came out…was he skipping? He came out from the house beyond. He hurried to the speeder, turned and hugged his padawan, then Juble. Then he jumped into the backseat. Not even stopping to open the door. He just levitated himself into the speeder.)
Obi: Master, that was impressive. You went all Dukes of Hazzard for a minute there. More adult mush?
Qui: No, just talking and company.
Obi: Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
Qui: Juble, take us back to our apartment please. Hurry now!
Obi: What's the hurry, Master?
Qui: I am going to make you a special lunch.
Obi: Why?
Qui: You don't want me to cook for you?
Obi: It's not that. But why are you? Usually you just tell me to eat what's there, or 'feed yourself, Obi-Wan.'
Qui: Is it too much that I want to, on occasion, treat my padawan to something special?
Obi: It's not too much, but it never happens. Despite my best efforts to the contrary. Master, are you all right? You really have been off your rocker the last couple days. And that says a lot coming from me.
(Qui-Gon reached over, draped an arm around the boy and pulled him close.)
Qui: I am fine, Obi-Wan. I just love you. Is that okay?
Obi: Um…sure. It's fine. But…you are very different. Did someone clone you and take the real you away from me? Did you go see Taun on the water planet and take one of her clones away? You shouldn't steal, Master. It's not nice to steal people's clones.
Qui: I honestly don't know what you are talking about, Obi-Wan. But I do love to hear you babble. Please continue.
Obi: You love to…what? Um…you want me to keep talking? I don't…um…ah… Who…Mari…Brazo…um…uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
(Juble called back from the front seat.)
Juble: Sounds like ya masta is in luv luv luv. But after all, luv is all ya need. Right?
Obi: Not really, but when Master Bren finds out, and she will find out…love won't be the only thing he needs. He'll need a traction suit and a payload of healers to put him back together again.
(Obi-Wan ducked quickly when a hand moved to his head and ruffled his hair.)
Obi: Master! What are you doing?
Qui: I am giving you mush. You always want mush. Hugs and hair ruffles. Pats on the back. Things like that.
Obi: Yes, I do love that stuff. But you normally aren't so free to provide it. I usually have to work for it. I'm not sure what to do now. This is all so sudden and confusing.
Qui: And it's our secret. We don't have to share any of this with Bren. Once we leave this planet, she will be none the wiser.
Obi: Have you been paying attention to her all these years you've known her? She's not a moron, Master. She will put this all together. With or without my help. Once she finishes with her meetings and has time to actually see what's happened to you, she's gonna know. Then you will die. And I can't handle that. It's bad enough that red faced devil man is gonna kill you later in life. But I don't have the desire to cut Master Bren and half and throw her down into a pit. I just can't bring myself to do that, Master. So please don't mess with her anymore. Just tell her, straight out that you are having an adult mush affair with Schmooly and it'll all be okay…after you recover from your injuries.
Qui: You care about me, Obi-Wan. Thank you. I will be seeing Shmi later today and tomorrow as well.
(Obi-Wan let his hands fall into his head as they stopped in front of the building they were staying. Qui-Gon hurried out and skipped to the door. Obi-Wan lifted his head and could only shake it slowly from side to side.)
Obi: He is SO dead, Juble. Master Bren is gonna get out one of her torture books, open to the page called "how to torture a tall Jedi master who found adult mush with some woman that will raise the kid who will eventually try and kill Obi-Wan"…and then it'll all be over. I'm gonna miss him so much. And then she'll be locked up in the loony bin forever. I'm gonna miss her so much. Then I will have no one. Just me. Alone. I've got to stop this before it gets out of hand. Well, it's too late for that. But I can't just sit back and let this happen. See? Adult mush is nothing but trouble. I can't handle this much stress in my life. It's too much for me.
Juble: Are ya sure that ya Jedi are da one's ta helop breeng peace ta da galaxee? Peace keepas an all dat? Ya seem ta have meeny of yer own probs.
Obi: Yeah, we bring peace. We help others. We just can't help ourselves. This makes me sad. I need to go in there and get a hug now from my master. I hate being so sad. It makes me sad to be so sad.
Juble: Ya go ahead, Lil Hoss. Ya all crazy. Ya need each other. I see ya's tomorra.
Obi: Bye Juble.
(Obi-Wan hung his head and dragged himself into the building.)
(The lunch Qui-Gon cooked up consisted of all of Obi-Wan's favorites. Pala cakes. Roasted Haambreg patties. Sweet noodles. And of course baja juice.)
Obi: Master! You did all this for me?
Qui: I sure did. Just for you.
Obi: Can I eat all that I want?
Qui: You can eat every bite you see.
Obi: And if I throw up afterwards, you won't mind?
Qui: Not at all.
Obi: You really are suckered to this woman, aren't you?
Qui: No, I just think it's time I show my apprentice how much I care about him and how proud I am of him.
Obi: And how much you want him to keep his mouth shut about this whole lady friend thing.
Qui: You are the best padawan I've ever had. The best hugger in the temple. I foresee you will become a great Jedi Knight.
Obi: Uh huh. Only if I don't die first at the hands of Master Bren.
(The door popped open and as if on cue, Bren strode in.)
Bren: I heard my name. Who am I killing and why? Wow! Who cooked?
Obi: He did. All my favorites. Would you like some?
Bren: Absolutely. It'll help my stress. Pala cakes? Qui-Gon Jinn, what has gotten into you lately?
Obi: More like what's come out. Drool. Slobber. Probably sickening adult mush nicknames.
Bren: Awww, thinking of new names for me, are you, Sweet Knees?
Obi: Oh, come on! Not while I'm eating. Get a room.
Qui: Yes I was, Bren. My uh…um…
Obi: Uh huh.
Qui: My Brenny Wenny.
Obi: That was the best you could come up with?
Qui: Shut up, Obi-Wan.
Obi: That's the master I know.
Bren: Awww, I love it, Qui-Qui.
Obi: One more and I swear I will throw up all over this table. Please! Someone finally makes me a special meal and you both start with the stuff that makes me ill. Forget it. You two can carry on out here all you like. I am taking my pala cakes and my baja juice and my other stuff and going to my room.
Qui: You don't have a room.
Obi: Then I am going to my floor. Goodbye.
Bren: He's still so cute when he get embarrassed. Can we toss him out for a while so we can have some alone time, Jinny Jinn?
Obi: Never mind, I'll just eat in the bathroom.
Qui: Ah, not right now, Bren. I have um, an appointment. Yes, an appointment. Can you keep an eye on Obi-Wan for a bit? I won't be but a couple of hours. Thanks, Bren. Bye.
(And with Jedi speed behind him, he flew out the door, hitched a ride to D'koj and was out of sight.)
Bren: Obi-Wan Kenobi! Get your butt over here, NOW!
Obi: Yes, Master Bren?
Bren: What the hell is wrong with that man?
Obi: I think the heat is melting his brain. Or maybe the power of mush finally got through to him and he's realizing how much it can change his life. It's very powerful stuff.
Bren: Yes, I realize that. But he's been acting very strangely since we arrived here. I don't like it. He's up to something. And it's very fishy smelling.
Obi: I think that's Jubles feet you are thinking about.
Bren: I am not thinking about that man's feet. But yes, they did smell oddly.
Obi: Told you.
Bren: It's something else. Something elusive.
Obi: You mean elooooooosive. If you're gonna use that word, please use it correctly.
Bren: Yes. Okay, I've got another meeting. But I'll be back shortly. This one is only supposed to last about forty minutes. Stay out of trouble.
Obi: Yes, I will.
(Bren arrived back an hour later.)
Bren: No sign of him yet?
Obi: No. He won't be back that quickly.
Bren: How do you know?
Obi: Oh um, I just…ah, know my master! He's a creature of habit. Disgusting ones, yes. But habits nonetheless.
Bren: I think I'll call him.
Obi: NO! I mean, no. You don't need to do that. He doesn't like to talk on the comm anymore. He says it's so impersonal.
Bren: I think I'll call him anyway.
(She entered Jinn's code and waited for him to respond.)
Qui: Qui-Gon Jinn.
Bren: You still busy, Stretch? I thought you'd be back by now.
Qui: Bren, oh, um…we can only protect you, we cannot fight a war for you. (CLICK!)
Bren: Qui-Gon? Hello? Damn him! (She dialed him back.)
Qui: Qui-Gon Jinn.
Bren: Do NOT hang up on me. Where are you?
Qui: Oh um…it's…well...Anakin will become a Jedi. I promise. (CLICK!)
Obi: That's his new favorite hobby, by the way. Clicking people.
(She dialed again.)
Qui: Qui-Gon Jinn.
Bren: Qui-Gon, I don't know what you are up to, but if you don't get back here in the next…
Qui: You hear that? That's the sound of a thousand terrible things heading this way…(CLICK!)
Obi: Oh, I know that one!
Bren: He doesn't know terrible until I get finished with him. (She dialed again.)
Qui: Qui-Gon Jinn.
Bren: Qui…
Qui: (CLICK!)
Bren: That's it. I will kill him now. I don't know what he's up to. I don't know what he's planning or doing. But when I get treated like that, I seek revenge.
Obi: I told him. He didn't believe me.
Bren: Told him? Why did you tell him I would kill him?
Obi: Oh, you know us. Me and my master. Always joking around with each other.
Bren: That's not anything like you two and you know it. You whine and cry about how he never hugs you. And he whines and cries about how mush will destroy his life. That is the essence of your relationship. Nothing more.
Obi: Wow. It sounds so sad when you just throw it out like that. Does this mean I am a pathetic life form? Is that why my master picked me?
Bren: Yes, and yes. Sorry, kid. But someone had to break it to you sooner or later. Now, I want to know what is going on. Tell me or I will NEVER hug you EVER again. And I mean it.
Obi: But, if I tell you, Master Qui-Gon will never hug me again. And he's gotten so mushy lately. I love him like this. He likes me now. Or he pretends to. He bribes me a lot with food and mush, sure. But at least he hugs. I've never had that from him before. Please don't destroy him. He's so…he's pathetic. But in a good way.
Bren: I have another meeting. When I get back, you will tell me what is going on, or I mean it. No more hugs. Ever. Think about that for a while.
(She stormed out. Obi-Wan drew his robe around him as a cold chill ran thru his body.)
Obi: No more mush from Master Bren? That's a nightmare. That's unthinkable. I can't allow that to happen. I need to save Master Qui-Gon. And my mush. I need to call Juble. I need a ride. I need to stop talking to myself.
(Juble picked him up outside and they sped to D'koj.)
Juble: Ya gonna git heem en trubble, young Hoss. Nevas messin' wit a man and hez lady fren es what I learned.
Obi: But I'll never get mush again if I don't. I need to help him. He's all discombobulated lately. It's not like him to be mushy or to be so nice to me. I just want him back the way he was.
Juble: Datz sweet. And ya needs ta save heem from his other lady fren too. Tha meetin' one. I like her, and she gonna keeck his butta vera soon. She can du it ta. She's a strong one.
Obi: Why is it always me who has to save their sanity? I'm too young for this. All I want is to be a Jedi and get a few hugs. Is that so wrong? And instead I end up with an adult mush-starved master so busy drooling and slobbering on some strange woman in the desert, he can't stop to see that he's hurting everyone that loves him.
Juble: Theen ya knows what? Ya best go on een there an git heem.
Obi: Right! (he took several deep breaths) Okay, I'm ready.
Juble: Ya gitz him, Lil Hoss! Good fer ya!
(Obi-Wan jumped out of the speeder and marched determinedly towards the small house. He knocked on the side small wooden door. When there was no answer, he opened it quietly and whispered.)
Obi: Master? Are you here? Hello? I've come to save you. Master Bren is going to strangle me after her next meeting if I don't tell her about you. Please come out.
(He heard noises from the bedroom area. And he groaned.)
Obi: Aw, man! Why does this always happen to me? Oh well. I've come too far already. And there is mush on the line. I'm going in!
(He slowly cracked the door open to the bedroom. From the sliver that was open, he saw feet. Bare feet. Then he saw boots tossed carelessly aside. He saw a large brown robe tossed onto the floor, crumpled. He heard a giggle. He heard a deep laugh. And he was about to throw up, when he tripped and fell into the room. From the floor, he looked up and saw Qui-Gon snuggled on the couch with Shmi. They were fully clothed – thank the Force – and were watching…)
Obi: A LIMA HOLO? You're watching Lima without me? This is what you've been sneaking out to do? Watch Lima holos and thudding without me?
Qui: With a little drooling on the side.
Obi: Master!
Shmi: Who is this, Qui-Gon?
Qui: My apprentice.
Shmi: He's cute.
Obi: Master, you need to come with me. First of all that fact that you are watching Lima holo's and didn't invite me, is so very wrong. Secondly, this is bordering on adult mush and it's also very wrong. Thirdly, you are scheduled to die this evening at the hands of Master Bren. So you might want to say goodbye.
Shmi: Die?
Qui: Don't listen to him. He talks a lot. A LOT. And most of what comes out of his mouth is nonsense.
Obi: That is true most of the time. But this time, I am serious. Master, it's time to say goodbye to your drool buddy. (Obi-Wan gave him his boots, then grabbed him by the hand and tried to pull him off the bed.)
Qui: Obi-Wan!
Obi: Master, please! You will die and I will be mush-banned forever. I can't allow this to happen. Even if you never hug me again, I need to save you. Please get up.
Shmi: Perhaps you should leave. He seems very worried.
Qui: Only because he's afraid he'll never get hugged again.
Shmi: What a horrible thought.
Obi: Especially if it comes true. Which it will. Masterrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Qui: Please don't whine, Obi-Wan. I was so enjoying my time this evening.
Obi: I'll watch Lima with you later. Come on.
Qui: It's not the same thing.
Obi: I know, but at least you'll be alive while you watch.
Qui: True. I should go. I'll be here for a couple more weeks, Shmi. I hope to see you again before I leave.
Shmi: I do as well. If not, then in twelve years time.
Obi: I knew it!
Qui: Will do. Goodbye.
(Qui-Gon grabbed Obi-Wan by his braid and pulled him from the room and out to the speeder.)
Juble: Well, yas alive sa far. Lil Hoss wuz worried 'bout ya, Big Hoss. Heza gud kid. Ya shuld hug 'em fer helpin' ya live ta see anotha dey.
Qui: Well, he will be planning to help me cover this up for Bren one last time. Right Obi-Wan?
Obi: Ummmm…uh…well…
(Qui-Gon wrapped him in a hug, from which there was no resistance.)
Obi: Yes, Master. I will.
Qui: Good boy. Juble, take us back.
(When they arrived, Bren was waiting for them outside. Arms crossed and tapping her foot madly. She grabbed Qui-Gon by the elbow and Obi-Wan by the braid and dragged them into the apartment.)
Obi: Ouch! What's with the braid pulling going on? It's not a leash.
(She pushed them both onto the bed, so that they were sitting side by side. She stared at them.)
Bren: Speak. Now.
Qui: I was with another woman.
(Obi-Wan's eyes went big. He wasn't expecting THAT.)
Qui: Her name is Shmi. And she loves Lima holo's. I found that I could enjoy holo's without a padawan hanging all over me and yapping through the entire thing. So I decided it was okay to spend some time with her.
Obi: You traded me in just like that?
Qui: And that's where I was. Watching holo's with a friend.
Bren: A lady friend.
Qui: Yes. But in my defense, I needed something to do. I didn't realize that this planet was so very boring. And you were busy with your meetings. Obi-Wan was hanging out with Juble. I felt lonely.
Obi: Oh, that's a good one.
Qui: I did. I know, I shouldn't have snuck at this behind your back, Bren. And I'm sorry.
Bren: Are you telling me the truth? It was nothing more than holo watching? There was no skin? Nothing…ah, showing? No nicknames? No drooling?
Obi: Um, Master?
Qui: Shut up, Obi-Wan. None of that. I promise. And I told her that I can't see her again while I am here.
Bren: Okay. I'll let you go with that. For now. But if I find out you are lying. I will throttle you. And there will be no adult mush ever again.
Obi: Master, that's serious. Not as serious as no mush for me, but that's big time.
Qui: I understand.
Bren: Good. Now, I have yet another meeting this evening. I'll see you both in the morning.
Qui: Goodnight.
(She left the room. Obi-Wan turned to Qui-Gon and just shook his head.)
Obi: You lied, Master. There was skin. I saw your feet. I saw her feet. I saw you snuggling. You don't snuggle with strangers because you are lonely. You maybe didn't go with the whole adult mush thing, but you were thinking about it.
Qui: This is not a conversation that I wish to have with a thirteen year old. Nothing happened. Just holo's. We are just friends. End of story.
Obi: Then you won't mind if I take the bed tonight and you can sleep on the floor.
Qui: Do you want a goodnight hug?
Obi: Yes, please.
Qui: Then, you're on the floor.
Obi: Damn!
(The next morning, Qui-Gon woke to his padawan, lying on his back, across the master's chest, snoring loudly. He flung the boy into the air and landed him, not-so-softly this time, back onto the floor. The feeling of floor meeting body was enough to wake him.)
Obi: Master, this is getting really old. And painful. I should be able to have the bed at least one night.
Qui: Why?
Obi: Because.
Qui: Because why?
Obi: Just because. Why does there need to be a reason?
Qui: Because.
Obi: Nuts. What are we doing today? Where is Master Bren?
Qui: Guess.
Obi: Another meeting? Does that mean you are going to defy her and go drool on Ms. Shmooly?
Qui: It's Shmi. And no. I told Bren no more. And I mean it. I am a man of my word.
Obi: Then you'll watch Lima holo's with me today?
Qui: No.
Obi: But, you would go watch them with her. Why not me?
Qui: It's not relaxing to watch holo's with you. You talk all the way through them. You ask for mush every time you see it happen on the screen. You thud over Lima much too often. You tell me the next scene before it happens. You get scared for yourself with Lima's character is in trouble. You want more reasons?
Obi: Yes.
Qui: No.
Obi: But you turned over a new leaf. You've been so mushy lately and so nice to me. You can't change back now. Not so suddenly. I know the change is coming, but so quickly? I can't deal with this. You won't make me breakfast? Or hug me like you did yesterday?
Qui: No. No more hugs. No more special lunches.
Obi: This sucks!
Qui: It does, doesn't it?
Obi: Okay, if you go back to Shmooler, I won't tell Master Bren. I promise.
Qui: You swear on your braid?
Obi: I guess, if that actually means anything. Sure.
Qui: Good. Let's go. Call Juble.
(Obi-Wan waited in the speeder as usual, with only Juble to talk to. Qui-Gon had been so happy this morning when he realized he was going to see Shmi again.)
Obi: Yesterday, Juble, I thought this was all finished.
Juble: Yessaday it wuz. Taday esa new dey. Ya need ta take control, Lil Hoss. Ya keep gettin' caught in it and it doin' ya na gud. Juz tell it like it is.
Obi: I should tell Master Bren everything?
Juble: Nah, that wuld jus be murda. Ya gotta get yer master offa da planet. How much longa ya supposda be hea?
Obi: Two more weeks. I can't handle that. You see how much stress I'm under now. In two weeks, I'll be bald.
Juble: Ya not gonna look gud bald, ya know.
Obi: Bald with only my braid. I'd look like Master Windu when he was a padawan. I can't have that. If my head is that shiny, I'd scare people off and I'd never get mush. This is all too much. (He pulled his comlink out.)
Obi: Master, this is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Can I talk to you please?
Qui: Perhaps I killed a Jedi and took it from him. (CLICK!)
Obi: Here we go again. Master, don't click me this time. This is Obi-Wan Kenobi, I need to talk to you, now!
Qui: He is the chosen one. He will bring balance. Train him.
Obi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not that line! Anything but that! Please don't die, Master! I'm coming to save you. I won't let you die.
Qui: (CLICK!)
Obi: Damn him! I'm going in there.
(Obi-Wan rushed in, right into the bedroom. He found Qui-Gon snuggling again, no shoes or socks, and…was that a giggle? It was all too much.)
Obi: Master, out now! Let's go. We need to tell Master Bren about this. All of it. I can't live with this on my conscious.
Qui: You have no conscious.
Obi: That's not the point. We are leaving, now. I don't care if you never hug me again. Well, I do, but this is more important.
Qui: Okay, okay. Bye, Shmi. I'm sorry about my lunatic apprentice. He's usually not this bad. No, that's a lie. He's always like this.
Obi: NOW!
(When they got in the speeder, Obi-Wan punched in Bren's comlink number. She answered in a hushed voice.)
Bren: This is Bren. And this better be important.
Obi: Master Bren, this is Obi-Wan Kenobi. I've got Master Qui-Gon. He went back to that Shmeegle lady and was drooling again. But I caught him and am bringing him back. Do I get a hug for this?
Bren: No, but I will spare you your life. You didn't tell me the whole truth before, did you Obi-Wan? There was more going on than just Lima holos.
Obi: Well, no, I didn't. But what do you expect! I'm in the middle of this. I'm too young for this much stress. I can't handle a mid-life crisis right now.
Qui: I am not having a mid-life crisis, Obi-Wan.
Obi: No, but I am. You just want to die, that's all. Then you'll leave me all alone. No one will want to train me, so I'll end up with Master Yoda. Then I'll learn everything backwards. I'm too young for this! SOMEBODY HELP ME!
Juble: Lil Hoss, ya bes be quietin' down back dere a bit, or I throw ya out. I canna have ma frens thinkin' I've lost ma mind, ya know.
Obi: I'm sorry. I'll vouch for you. You've not lost your mind. I have. And my master has.
Bren: Obi-Wan, did you need me for anything else? I'm in a meeting. I will be back at the apartment soon to kill Qui-Gon. So, you wait for me there.
Obi: Okay, Master Bren. Thank you.
Qui: That's it? She says she's coming to kill me and you say thank you? My loyal padawan.
Obi: This is all your fault, Master. You wanted to come here with her. And now I know why. You knew that slobber lady was here, didn't you?
Qui: Well…
Obi: You've been here before, haven't you?
Qui: Well…
Obi: You have! You've cheated on Master Bren before with this woman?
Qui: I am not cheating on anyone. It's just holo's. Only holo's. That's it. I swear on your braid.
Obi: No, Obi's braid is off limits. No more swearing on it. No more pulling on it. And it's not just holo's. It's Lima holo's. Those are special. You can't just share them with anyone.
Qui: I was here two years ago. And then, two years before that. And ah, well…three years before that.
Obi: You are sick. You dare to treat Lima like this? Treat his holo's second rate? They're only good for you and your flings. Who else have you flung with during Lima? Huh?
Qui: Would you stop it. Lima is an actor. He doesn't care who watches his holo's. He says a few words. He looks good on camera. And then he gets a lot of money. That's it.
Obi: Don't talk bad about him, Master. He's my hero.
Qui: Isn't that my role?
Obi: It should be. But let's be honest. You have problems. And they are leading you to your death. I told you that being unmushy all these years would be harmful to you in the long run. Did you listen to Obi? Nooooo, of course not. And now you will die. And I will be all alone. No one will want to train me, so I'll end up with Master Yoda. Then I'll learn everything backwards. I'm too young for this! SOMEBODY HELP ME!
Qui: You've already said that, Obi-Wan. What, do you rehearse this stuff before you say it?
Obi: I'm sorry if my words mean nothing to you. But this is my sanity we are talking about.
Qui: What about my sanity?
Obi: You lost yours the minute you took me as your apprentice.
Qui: Finally you speak the truth.
Juble: Hey ya, Hosses? We hea. Geet out now. Ya drivin' me crazee, ya know. I like ya's an all that, but ya both is nutz. I don think I gonna be seekin' ta drive yas aroun' ennamo. Although ya do pay well. But I gotta move on, before my own sanity goes an leava me.
Obi: Mr. Juble, I'm gonna miss you. I finally figure out how to understand you and now it's goodbye. Can I hug you?
Juble: Sures ya kin.
(The speeder was at a stop now and all three got out. Obi-Wan launched himself into the man's arms and melted into a hug.)
Obi: Thanks for all the rides.
Juble: Ya behave now, 'kay? Keep Big Hoss in line. Hez got a lil hormone prob dere, ya see?
Obi: Does he ever.
Qui: Thank you, Juble for your help.
Juble: Don fergit ta hug dat boy, there. Heza gud kid unda all dat dere insanity.
Obi: I told you I was good, Master.
(They walked away from the speeder, arguing the entire time. When they entered the apartment, it all stopped. Bren sat calmly on the bed. It scared Obi-Wan to death and a cold chill ran through the room.)
Obi: Oh this is bad, Master. This is very bad. When she's that calm, that means she's been reading her torture book. And that's bad for you. I'll be in the bathroom if you need me.
(Qui-Gon grabbed the escaping padawan by the braid and yanked him back.)
Qui: Stay! Bren, hello.
Bren: Talk. Now.
Qui: I'm an idiot?
Bren: True. Continue.
Qui: I lied to you?
Bren: True. Continue.
Qui: It's Obi-Wan's fault?
Bren: Don't blame him for this one. He was a dragged along with the promise of mush. Which you provided. It was essentially black mail. There is no blame for him.
Obi: YES!
Bren: That doesn't mean you aren't an accessory, Obi-Wan. Keep your lips shut.
Obi: Yes, ma'am.
Qui: How do you do that?
Bren: He listens to me because I know how to handle him. Now, continue.
Qui: Okay, I've been here before. I know the woman I was visiting from previous visits. She is a friend of mine. And we are close friends. But nothing happened.
Obi: What about the naked feet?
Bren: You had naked feet? You know my feelings on that, Qui-Gon. No one is to ever see your feet without covering, except me.
Qui: My feet were hot. It's hot here. It's a desert. Hello?
Obi: Master, you sound like me. Better control yourself. And don't forget the snuggling and the giggling.
Bren: WHAT?
Qui: Obi-Wan!
Bren: Explain. Now.
Qui: I had my boots off and my socks off. I sat with her on the couch. Closely. We ah…snuggled. And I laughed.
Obi: No, you giggled. There's a difference.
Qui: I did NOT giggle. Jedi Masters do NOT giggle.
Obi: This one did.
Qui: Obi-Wan, so help me!
Obi: There is no help for you, Master.
Bren: The boy speaks the truth. What else happened?
Qui: We watched Lima holo's. And that's it. Oh, and we drank baja cocktails.
Obi: WHAT? You had baja without me?
Qui: Alcohol. You are much too young.
Bren: So you snuggled, laughed and drank with this woman while you watched Lima. Is that all?
Qui: Well…okay…I gave her a couple nicknames.
(Obi-Wan hung his head.)
Obi: Master, oh, Master. Not that. Anything but that.
Bren: What did you call her?
Qui: That's personal.
Bren: What. Did. You. Call. Her?
Qui: Sweet Knees, Shmi.
Bren: You stole my nickname for you and used it on her?
Obi: That's disgusting.
Bren: Don't need your help, kid. Stay out of it.
Qui: I did. I have no imagination. It's not my fault. It was the only name I could think of. So, I recycled it. She liked it though. Oh, damn.
Obi: Master, Master, Master.
Bren: She LIKED it? That's it. Until we leave to go home, you are will be banned from any and all adult mush. If I find out you go near her again, I will take my saber and…
Obi: DON'T say it!
Qui: I understand. I promise. No more. Obi-Wan and I will only sightsee.
Obi: Can we go see a pod race, Master? I know it's where you'll find that annoying kid later in my life. So we may as well see what's it's like, right?
Qui: Yes, we can.
Bren: Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have ANOTHER DAMN MEETING. I'll see you later.
(She stomped from the room, leaving the pair alone. Qui-Gon stared at his apprentice.)
Obi: What? This is not my fault.
Qui: It's always your fault.
Obi: I didn't have an affair with that woman. I didn't give her disgusting nicknames. I didn't giggle and snuggle with her. I didn't watch Lima holos with her.
Qui: I did NOT giggle! I feel sick.
Obi: You should.
Qui: I knew I should have brought my duct tape with me on this trip.
(The next morning, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan escaped before Bren got up. They left a note: "Bren, we are going to the pod races. I promise, no giggling, although I did NOT giggle at any time during this venture. And if Obi-Wan spreads that rumor around the Temple, I will sew his lips shut. No mush, snuggling or drooling will be involved. Back later. Qui-Gon.")
Obi: Master, how will we get there? Juble left us.
Qui: Eeopies.
Obi: Epies? What?
Qui: Eeopies. Those beasts they ride around here.
Obi: Those things with the long legs and neck and that big waggly nose?
Qui: Yes. We'll rent one for the day.
Obi: I don't get my own?
Qui: No. You ride with me.
Obi: You know how to ride?
Qui: Yes, the last time I was here, Shmi taught me how to…oh damn.
Obi: You went riding with her? Oh, Master. You just keep digging yourself in deeper and deeper.
Qui: It was just a ride around the city. Come on, there's a place here we can rent one.
(They handed credits to the handler and were given the reigns to a very tall eeopie. Qui-Gon lifted his padawan up first. The beast knelt down, but even then it was too tall for Obi-Wan to jump up. Once both were up, they got on their way.)
Qui: Hold on, Obi-Wan. The ride is bumpy.
Obi: Wow, we're high up here. What's his name, Master?
Qui: The eeopie? They don't have names. They're not pets.
Obi: Everyone and everything should have a name. I'll call him Sam.
(Obi-Wan reached back and patted Sam on the rump. The beast grunted and shook his backend while they jogged.)
Qui: Obi-Wan, don't smack him.
Obi: He likes his name. Right Sam?
(The beast grunted again and shook his waggly nose.)
Obi: I told you. He'll take us wherever we want to go now. He's a good beast. I like him. Can we take him home?
Qui: No.
Obi: Can I come visit him the next time you come to see drool woman?
Qui: Yes you can. Damn!
Obi: I knew you planned to come back. It's a good thing that Master Bren doesn't have your robe bugged. She'd hear every word then.
Qui: Obi-Wan if you…
Obi: I didn't bug you, Master. I was just saying…
Qui: Yeah. Right. Hold on, we're going to run.
Obi: Gittyup, Sammy!
(They arrived at the races in a hour and tied Sam outside the arena.)
Obi: Master, can I get a drink and a snack? I didn't eat breakfast and it's almost lunchtime. I'm hungry.
Qui: What happened to the pala cakes you brought with you?
Obi: I gave them to Sam. He loved them.
Qui: I'll give you a handful of credits. That's all you get. So be wise about your spending. And stop feeding the eeopie.
(Obi-Wan disappeared for twenty minutes. When he returned to their seats, he had a handful of food and drink. In one hand was a barrel o'baja juice. Curled in the other arm was an assortment of foods.)
Obi: Master, I got you something to eat too. They had these meat-log things that are wrapped in bread. And you put this yellow paste on them. Everyone was eating them. I got you one too. Someone called it a bantha dawg.
Qui: I can't eat that. It has bread. I don't eat bread.
Obi: Since when?
Qui: Since this mission. Shmi said I looked like I had put on a few pounds…oh damn.
Obi: Master! You need to stop being obsessed with her. Now she's giving you dieting advice? If you give up bread, you'll be all pale and skinny. Then you'll be like me. Do you really want to be like me?
Qui: Not particularly, no. But I do look a bit chubby lately. No bread.
Obi: Then take the dawg thing then and eat that. I'll eat the bread. I need something to absorb all the baja juice anyway. Did you bet on this race?
Qui: I did. But just a small amount.
Obi: You didn't use me as collateral, did you?
Qui: I thought about it, but decided to just use credits. Our money is on pod number 47.
Obi: Master Bren says that's a good number. I bet she doesn't think you are chubby.
Qui: They're racing now. Sit back and watch.
(Two hours into the race, Obi-Wan went to refill his barrel. He came back grinning.)
Obi: Master, the man at the stand gave me a free refill. He said he'd never seen anyone drink and entire barrel in two hours before. He said if I can drink another barrel, he'll give me a free bantha dawg.
Qui: That's nice, Obi-Wan.
(He sucked down the barrel in the next hour, then went to get another refill and his free food.)
Obi: Master, barrel number three!
Qui: I hope you know where the bathroom is.
Obi: I'll ask that man next time I go refill.
(He only lasted another hour before the urge hit him and hit him hard. He started bouncing in his seat. His legs jumped up and down.)
Qui: Go find a bathroom.
Obi: I can't get up. I waited too long. I REALLY have to go, Master. Carry me?
Qui: I think not. This is something that I can't help you with. Just dance until you get it under control and then run.
Obi: Okay. Come on, bladder. Don't fail me now!
(Ten minutes passed and Obi-Wan got up and ran towards the concession stand. His legs were pinned together as he ran, so he looked like an idiot, but he didn't care. He just had to GO!)
Obi: Excuse me, Mr. Man, can you tell me where the bathroom is? I drank too many barrels.
(The man pointed to the left.)
Man: Down two flights and around the other side of the arena. You'll see signs.
Obi: You only have ONE bathroom in this entire place?
Man: Sorry, kid. Most people don't drink until their bladder explodes.
Obi: Gotta go, bye!
(By the time he made it to the bathroom, he was walking half bent over, and he looked like he was in intense pain. He staggered into the bathroom, ignoring the smell. He stood there for ten minutes. Finally relieved, he fell backwards and landed on his back.)
Obi: I am NEVER doing that again.
(He continued talking to himself, when a large, brown blob of a creature came scooting in through the door. Obi-Wan knew it immediately. A hutt. And he didn't want any part of it.)
Obi: Hello, Mr. Hutt. Excuse me please. I just need to leave now.
(The large tail flipped out from behind the blob and stopped the boy in his tracks.)
Obi: Please don't eat me.
Jabba: Blah blah blah blah, Jabba.
Obi: Okay, Mr. Jabba. Please don't eat me. I just want to go back to my Master. Before he leaves me again to go slobber with drool woman in front of Lima holo's and then gets killed by Master Bren who is stressed out from one meeting after another, and threatening him with no adult mush for the rest of his natural life. Okay?
Jabba: Blah blah blah blah. Yappy. GET AWAY!
Obi: Bye!
(He flew out of the bathroom, back up two flights and into the seats. Qui-Gon had moved several rows up. He had his arm around a dark-haired woman, who from the back looked a great deal like…)
Obi: Oh, crap. Now SHE is stalking HIM! (His comlink beeped.) This is Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Bren: Where are you?
Obi: At the pod races. I met an eeopie named Sam and a hutt named Jabba who tried to eat me. And I drank three barrels of baja juice. Oh, and Master Qui-Gon's drool buddy followed him here. He's sitting with her now, with his arm around her. I think I saw him giggle again.
Bren: (CLICK!)
Obi: This is getting really old. Next time, I'm gonna hang up first!
(Then he saw Qui-Gon put his comlimk to his mouth.)
Qui: Qui-Gon Jinn.
Bren: You promised me, you little worm. Now you are there, with her. You are one dead…
Qui: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. (CLICK!)
(Obi-Wan's comlink beeped.)
Obi: Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Bren: He hung up on me again.
Obi: Yeah, and you hung up on me. So, what's your point?
Bren: (CLICK!)
Obi: Damnit! (He dialed Qui-Gon.)
Qui: Qui-Gon Jinn.
Obi: Master, this is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Can you please remove your hand from that woman and return to your seat? We are supposed to be here together enjoying the races. And Master Bren called. She knows.
Qui: These Federation types are cowards. The negotiations will be short.
Obi: Please, Master. This is exhausting. I'm so tired. Please just come back here with me. I am begging you. I won't even ask for a hug. I swear on my…yeah, on my braid.
(Qui-Gon looked back, then turned to Shmi. He kissed her hand and then said goodbye. She left the stands. He returned to Obi-Wan.)
Qui: Happy?
Obi: No, I'm not. Please stop this. I almost got eaten by a hutt while I was downstairs, and I get back to see you gone again, and with her. How many times does Master Bren have to threaten your life before you actually listen to her? I'm sounding like a broken record. I'm tired of talking. Please, let's just watch the race. Okay?
Qui: You are tired of talking? I didn't think that was possible. Okay, we'll just sit and watch.
(And they did. They watched and watched and watched and watched. The race never seemed to end. The pods just kept going round and round and round. It was going on eight hours long. Obi-Wan had long ago lost consciousness. He lay against his teacher, snoring softly. Qui-Gon had also given in. His head lulled to one side, bouncing back up every so often, then bobbing backwards. A loud crash finally awakened them both.)
Obi: What? Who? Why? Oh. It's still not over. We've been here all day and this one race is still going on? This is like that scene in that holo. When whiny slave boy tells you that he is the only human who can pod race, and then he goes out and takes up half of the holo showing us his 'skills'. How boring can this get? They just go around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around. I'm dizzy. Can we go now?
Qui: I think 47 is still in the race. We can't leave while I still have a bet.
Obi: Can we use the Force to make him crash?
Qui: No, then I lose my money.
Obi: Poor Sam. He's been standing out there in one spot all this time. I bet he's bored to death by now.
Qui: He's a pack animal. He doesn't get excited about things. It's in his nature to stand around for hours at a time.
Obi: He does get excited. Didn't you see him waggle his nose earlier? That was excitement if I ever saw it. I should hug him when we get back to him.
Qui: Yes, you should. Please don't tell Bren about today.
Obi: She already knows.
Qui: How?
Obi: She's good, Master.
(An explosion followed a series of crashes. Number 47 had lost its engine. It was done.)
Obi: Thank the Force. Let's go.
(They hurried to the exit and turned to where they had left Sam. Sam was gone.)
Qui: Looks like we're walking.
Obi: I told you he would get bored.
(They began the long walk back to the apartment. When they were about halfway there, a familiar grunt caught their attention. Obi-Wan was then pushed from behind, and he fell forward into the sand. Turning around, he saw Sam.)
Obi: Sam! You came back! I knew you would. (He greeted the beast with a hug around the long neck. Sam made a purring sound.) And you like hugs too. I knew it. See, Master? He loves me. I'm going to adopt you. And when I come back in twelve years, you can give my master a ride to pick up whiny slave boy. Okay?
(Sam wagged his nose up and down happily.)
Qui: How about a ride right now? Ah…Sam?
Obi: Awww, he does like you, Sam. See, you give him a name and you get a friend for life.
(With Sam's help, they arrived back before sunset. Qui-Gon walked into the apartment and saw Bren. He walked to her, pulled her into an embrace and kissed her gently on the cheek.)
Qui: I love you. Please forgive my stupidity on this trip. I would never cheat on you. We've been through too much together.
Obi: Don't fall for it, Master Bren. You're stronger than that. Fight him. He's been a bad Qui-Gon. Don't let him off the hook that easy.
Bren: I have no energy left for anything. The meetings have killed me. This whole other woman thing has killed me. The heat on his planet has killed me. Obi-Wan's mouth has killed me. My meetings are done. Let's go home.
(She leaned towards Qui-Gon and returned her own embrace and kiss.)
Obi: Aww, man. Why is this happening? After all I've been through. After all I've put up with on this trip? And it all ends like this? With you two slobbering on each other? I give up. I'm running away from home, when we get home. My heart can't handle anymore.
Qui/Bren: Shut up, Obi-Wan.
(They packed and took the first transport they could find. They were given a room for the long flight.)
Qui: Obi-Wan, why don't you go harass the pilot for a while. Bren and I want to be alone.
Obi: Ah, no you don't. You wait until we get home. This is my room too. And I am sleeping on the ONE bed we have.
Qui: You are leaving for an hour. And when you return, you will sleep on the floor.
Obi: Can I have a hug then?
Qui: No. What do I look like? I don't hug you. Remember?
Obi: But you did! On Tatooine, you hugged me a lot. You took care of my burnt hands. You made me a special lunch. You took me eeopie riding and to an 80 hour pod race. You even told me that you loved me. You can't do this to me now, Master. You can't just lead me on and then just reject me like that. I need my mush. I need my hugs. I need the stuff, or I won't survive! Don't you understand?
Qui: Out. Now. One hour. Goodbye.
(Obi-Wan stomped out. He wandered the ship. An hour passed. He returned to the room. Bren was sound asleep on the bed. Qui-Gon on the floor.)
Obi: Ha! Who gets the floor now!
(He tried to snuggle into his master's robe on the floor, but still with his eyes closed, Qui-Gon levitated the boy up and away from him. He dropped him next to the door.)
Obi: But I'm cold, Master. I need a blanket at least. And you and Master Bren have the only two.
(Qui-Gon's sat up, removed his robe and threw it across the room. It landed on Obi-Wan's head.)
Obi: Thank you. You need to wash this thing. It smells like Sam. Can I have a hug good night?
(Qui-Gon sat up and glared at the boy.)
Obi: It's not my fault. You can't just be all mushy for days on end, and then change just like that. I can't go cold turkey on the stuff. It's just too hard. Please? Just a hug? Or a hair ruffle? Pat on the back? Something!!
Qui: If you sleep through the night, I'll ruffle your hair in the morning.
Obi: I won't sleep through the night. I already feel the effects of withdrawal coming on. I'm shaky. Sick to my stomach. Dizzy. Sad. Pathetic.
Qui: You have nothing to bribe me with now. No information that Bren doesn't know about. There's no reason for me to hug you.
Obi: That's why you turned mushy? Just so I wouldn't blab your secrets?
Qui: Yes, and you knew that.
Obi: I know. But I was hopeful there was something else there. That you actually cared about me.
Qui: I do care about you.
Obi: You sure show it in a funny way.
Qui: I'm a funny guy.
Obi: Not really.
Qui: Good night, Obi-Wan. I do love you. Honest. Just don't try to hug me when I say that. Go to sleep.
Obi: But, Master. If you really love me, then you can hug me. I don't understand.
(Qui-Gon got up, moved across the room, knelt in front of the boy and put a hand to his forehead. Obi-Wan was out cold in less than two seconds.)
Bren: Thank the Force. I thought he'd never shut up. Just hug him once in a while, Stretch. It's not that bad. He'll repay you by being less yappy. We might all live happily ever after then.
Qui: I'll deal with that later. Care to cuddle on the floor with me?
Bren: Whatever. You can keep that hard floor all to yourself. This bed is big enough for one person, and I think I'll stay right here. Keep that cuddling thought though. When we get home…um hmm… Oh, and Qui-Gon, if I ever catch you with drool woman again…well, just read page 32 in my torture book. Okay, Sweet Knees?
Qui: I promise on Obi-Wan's braid that I will never do anything like this again. No, I swear on his braid.
Bren: Okay. Good enough. Obi-Wan?
Qui: He's asleep.
Bren: No he's not.
(Obi-Wan popped his head up on the other side of the bed.)
Obi: Sorry. Even the Force can't overcome the need for mush. I can't sleep. I need a hug. Just one. And I promise that'll be it for this trip.
(Both Bren and Qui-Gon looked at that stupid, crooked grin on the boy's face. So hopeful. They gave in at the same time and Obi-Wan launched himself at them both. Tackling Bren and pushing her off the bed and onto Qui-Gon. He started giggling and couldn't stop. Then it became contagious, until even Qui-Gon was laughing, and he didn't know why.)
Obi: I told you mush is fun. It even makes grumpy master laugh.
Qui: Yes, it does feel nice. Still, don't get used to it. When we get home, its life as normal.
Obi: I can deal. It's what I'm used to. This was just a temporary detour. An weird one, yes. But just a detour. I knew we'd find our way back to insanity.
Bren: Would we have it any other way?
END