Walk in Dreams
A/N: Thank you all for your kind responses to "Dry Pavements"! Here is my second venture into ST fic.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I make no money.
Spock dreams in colors. It is yet another human attribute that haunts him during the nights and into the weak dawns. It travels with him from Vulcan to Earth, across space and time. The dreams are a private embarrassment, something else that he hides behind his Vulcan façade. However, he knows one day he must share these dreams; he must share them with his bonded mate. The thought makes him clench up with anxiety and shame – also something all too human about him.
***
The first time he meets T'Pring, he is also anxious. But in an excited sort of way. He hopes that they can be friends. He does not have any friends, only his sehlat, I-Chaya. However, this shimmering hope that burns bright in the morning as T'Pring is brought before him becomes something desperate and dark as the day of their bonding progresses. First, there are introductions and the exchange of necessary information: aptitude scores, awards and achievements, instructor assessments. Her file is not as impressive as his. Then, they are seated next to each other during tea. Her expression is sour and she answers his questions with short, flat responses. When they finally bond, it is underwhelming. He can barely feel the presence of her mind. He does not know if he is more relieved or more disappointed.
At night, he does not dream. He doesn't always dream but he is surprised because he always dreams when he is emotional. He can only surmise that he is not as disturbed by his meeting with T'Pring as he initially thought he was.
*
The day Spock attacks Sofek, breaking his nose and the skin along his hairline and beside his jaw, he attempts kahs-wan. He tries to prevent I-Chaya from following him into the desert but it is to no avail. His choice is to continue or turn back. He continues on.
For ten days, he does not sleep and thus, he does not dream. But under ten day's worth of heat, he sees only in reds and oranges, as though he is in a dream. It is not a dream when I-Chaya dies.
When Spock emerges from the desert, he is not just the youngest Vulcan to ever attempt kahs-wan, he is the youngest Vulcan to ever successfully complete the ritual. Yet, he has never felt more human.
*
The day after his return, he receives a communiqué from T'Pring. He accepts it in his room. "My sleep was disturbed. Do try to keep your emotions in check."
She cuts off the transmission abruptly. He cries for I-Chaya then and maybe, even for himself. He cries himself to sleep and knows he will dream in dark murky colors. He hopes that T'Pring sees it and feels it.
***
At first, Spock is unsure if cadet life suits him. His classes are adequate but not challenging enough. His physical training is similar – while there are other species at Starfleet, most of them are human and it feels like he is fighting a six-year old Vulcan with one hand behind his back. (He does fight with one hand behind his back. His opponent still only lasts about 3.2 seconds.) What troubles him the most though is the open tactile way many of the cadets interact with each other and with him. The transfer of their turbulent emotions whenever they grab his hand or accidentally brush up against him disrupts his equilibrium.
Still, their openness is refreshing. It is the exact opposite of his childhood – his classmates invite him to events, inquire about his culture, introduce him to pizza. Sometimes, they even hug him. He learns to block some of the transfers and takes to holding his hands behind his back. A third class cadet in his Advanced Relativistic Mechanics course (he is the only first year in it) convinces him to enroll in Japanese combat courses with her – kendo, jujutsu, tanto-jutsu. The other cadets say she is the prettiest girl at the Academy. Spock has to agree that Naomi Maru has exceedingly symmetrical features.
In the midst of Spock's first semester, Captain Christopher Pike drops in as a guest lecturer in his Survival Strategies course. Pike is a straight-talker and Spock likes him immediately. He approaches Pike after class, unfazed by his decorated record unlike the rest of his classmates. They watch in awe as he talks to the captain like he is just any commanding officer. Pike is amused by Spock but also impressed. Soon enough Spock is doing independent projects for Pike, sometimes even going on temporary assignments with the captain. This supplements Spock's coursework to his satisfaction.
There is no need to dream.
*
Two weeks prior to graduation, Spock must return to Vulcan. He hasn't been back since he has left for Starfleet. It is the third time he actually sees T'Pring in person. He receives what he needs and leaves, but not before he meets Stonn and knows it for what it is.
Spock dreams on his return to Earth.
*
It is dark but he can see Naomi's face tilted towards him as she asks him to stay. He gets out of the bed and picks his clothes off the floor. He does not know what he will dream and is afraid of revealing more than he already has. But before he leaves, he kisses her one last time and gives her the Vulcan farewell, Dif-tor heh smusma, live long and prosper. It is not meant to be the last time so when he makes it back to his own room and sleeps, he dreams in streaming colors.
He is with Captain Pike when he receives a communiqué from the Intrepid. Usually he takes it in his room but Pike remembers Naomi and likes her so Spock instructs the computer to accept it now. Maybe Naomi can even get a transfer to the Yorktown. She has talked of it.
But it isn't Naomi. It is Lieutenant Greenwood, a fellow graduate, a mutual friend. He is injured. Naomi is dead.
When he is asked to work on a simulation program for command-tracked cadets, he comes up with a no-win scenario. He calls it the Kobayashi Maru. For weeks, he dreams in the darkest of greens, it is almost black.
***
He doesn't realize until afterwards that he does not sleep for ten days following his mother's death. Nyota leads him to her room and puts him into bed when he starts swaying on his feet. She tucks him in, pulls the covers up to his chin, and stays. The scattered dots he has been seeing enter his dreams as a grey edge that seems to run backwards into black.
***
"I dream in colors," he tells her one night two years into their mission on the Enterprise.
She looks up from her PADD and smiles, "Oh, well, so do I."
"A human attribute we share."
When he does not say more, she looks at him closer and realizes that he is uneasy. His posture is even more rigid than usual, his hands clasped behind his back. "Spock? Do you want to tell me something? Something about your nights?"
"I don't spend them with you."
"No, you don't," she responds slowly. She asks him to but he always returns to his own quarters. She still asks.
"If I do, you will see my dreams."
"Oh? I will? There's not a chance, a 12.3% chance perhaps, that I will not see your dreams?" she asks in a light teasing tone.
"No. There is no chance of this because if I were to stay the night, we will be in contact and you will see all that I dream about."
His confidence in this causes a shiver to run up and down her spine. She reaches out for his hand and he gives it to her. It always feels like lightening striking when they touch. It never gets old.
"There is a word in Vulcan – t'lema. It refers to someone who walks in dreams. You would walk in my dreams."
"And would that be so bad?"
"No. I dream of you only, of you in every imaginable color."
And Spock stays the night for the first time and for every time after that. And Nyota walks into his dreams and she finds what she has always known is true – his mind is the most beautiful landscape she will ever know. It is unbelievably human.
***