Shattered Mind, Fractured Soul

by DeiStarr

Lily Luna - the girl with many secrets. So many things to hide, and she hides them well. Until she goes to Hogwarts, and everything starts to go wrong. As she begins to fall apart, her carefully constructed walls built to protect her secrets begin to crumble down. Lily Luna has many secrets - and Gemma just may be the biggest one of all. Child/Mentor fic. Harry/Draco side pairing.

Title: Shattered Mind, Fractured Soul

Disclaimer: I did not create the characters in this story, or their life stories before the DH Epilogue. I am, however, the one responsible for coming up with the events that occur post-Epilogue in this story. So, if you take issue with anything before the end of the DH epilogue, take it up with J. K. If you take issue with anything in here... go suck a lemon. Seriously, it'll lighten you up.

Rating: R or M

Word Count: 15,501, not including lyrics, titles, or A/N's.

Pairings: Harry/Draco, Hints at possible Lily/Scorpius or Rose/Scorpius. Romance is not the focal point of this fic, although it does play a part.

Warnings: Dark themes, mentions of past violence, vague flashbacks. Discusses and portrays (probably very inaccurately) serious mental illness. Possible triggers?

Summary: Lily Luna - the girl with many secrets. So many things to hide, and she hides them well. Until she goes to Hogwarts, and everything starts to go wrong. As she begins to fall apart, her carefully constructed walls built to protect her secrets begin to crumble down. Lily Luna has many secrets - and Gemma just may be the biggest one of all.

A/N: I is so proud of this fic! *cries*

I was supposed to post this on Wednesday. But I ended up having a bit of a personal emergency during the writing time I had assigned myself on Tuesday, and wasn't able to do it. I wasn't able to get onto the computer to finish until now. Ugh.

This is an entry in... 15 challenges and contests on the HPFC forum. *whew!* I have a loooong list of prompts and quotes at the bottom in an A/N, if you're interested, along with the names of the competitions/challenges. It was inspired by the prompt in the 10 Days Challenge (Hard Category) that was due this Wednesday. (Oops) The prompt was, "Write a fic about a Next-Gen kid with a permanent disability."

I chose mental illness because I, myself have 4 co-morbid mental disorders, as well as Epilepsy, and I know firsthand how difficult and desperate life can get with mental illness. I know how it feels to feel like you've been betrayed by your own mind after waking up on the floor following a seizure. While Lily's mental illnesses were more serious than mine, I could still relate to how helpless she felt, how buffeted by circumstances beyond her control - even if they were only caused by her own mind.

*PLEASE NOTE!*

A guest reviewer (who I can't reply to, since he/she wasn't logged in) asked if I had been inspired by another fic with a very similar name - "Broken Mind, Fractured Soul". The answer is a resounding, "NO!"

I had NO idea there was another fic with a nearly identical name out there when I published this, and I certainly hadn't read it. (I decided to start it to make sure our stories weren't too similar, and while it is fantastically amazing, our plots and handling of/descriptions of DID are drastically different. Plus, she uses the term "MPD", which hasn't been used by psychiatrists for at least 10 years now.) I was actually really upset, because I'm so proud of the title "Shattered Mind, Fractured Soul". I've been planning on writing a non-fiction book with that title for almost 10 years now; since I was in my teens (I'm 26 now, I coined the title at 16-17).

The title "Shattered Mind, Fractured Soul" is very meaningful to me, and no way in hell am I changing it, just because someone else used a similar title. His/her story may have been posted first - but I still thought of the title first.

---

Shattered Mind, Fractured Soul

---

The stars are blind my love
You will learn to crawl under oceans above
That force will fuel its hate
When it drains your soul it will flood the gate
Fear is a device
So quiet and precise

They come to your dreams with allusion
They come to bring shape to your mind
You know how to stop the intrusion
We all have to fight for the line

This force knows what you can do
And what you can make
With your tattered shell

Les Friction - Firewall

---

Last thing you wanna make
Is your first mistake
But it's too late now
So get up, get ready
Not everybody's betting against you anyhow

Hedley – One Life

---

~&~ September 1st, 2017 ~&~

Autumn seemed to arrive suddenly that year. The morning of the first of September was crisp as an apple, and as the little family bobbed across the rumbling road toward the great sooty station, the fumes of car exhausts and the breath of pedestrians sparkled like cobwebs in the cold air. Two large cages rattled on top of the laden trolleys the parents were pushing; the owls inside them hooted indignantly, and the redheaded girl trailed tearfully behind her brothers, clutching her father's arm.

"It won't be long, and you'll be going too," Harry told her.

"Two years," sniffed Lily. "I want to go now!"

---

~&~ September 1st, 2019 ~&~

Lily Luna Potter calmly crossed onto Platform 9¾, feeling somewhat detached as a sense of unreality overwhelmed her. After waiting for so long, it was finally her turn. She was finally going to school. Going to Hogwarts.

She tried to drum up some excitement, remembering how very close she came to not being allowed to go, but it was difficult. Her emotions felt thick as molasses and she hated it. It would have been smarter to be honest with the Healer about how the potions made her feel, but she was afraid that if she wasn't on a stable dosage in time she wouldn't be allowed to go.

"Have you got everything, Lily?"

"Yes, Mum," she murmured.

"You remembered to pack your potions?" Her dad was staring at her with worry evident in his expressive green eyes. She looked away. Both of her parents were hovering on either side of her like persistent bees circling a sticky sweet that had been dropped on the ground. A tendril of resentment curled inside her.

The resentment was as much for the fact that she still didn't feel safe, as it was for their behaviour. But she was learning to accept that she might never feel safe again.

Her Healer said she had an old soul. He said... Lily tore her thoughts away, trying to ignore the sharp sting of betrayal that she felt anytime her mind wandered in that direction.

"Lils?"

"I'm not a child, Dad," she protested. "Of course I remembered!"

Her mother sighed. "Lily, sweetheart, you're only eleven, and you're going to Hogwarts for the first time today – it would be completely understandable if you forgot, in all the excitement."

Lily blinked. She hadn't realised she was that good an actress. Unless her mum just thought she was holding it all in.

"It's too important to forget," she said, opting to stick with honesty to be on the safe side.

"You know, you can go see Madam Pomfrey to take your doses, just like you'll be getting your Dreamless Sleep from her. You don't have to carry the other potions with you or keep them in the dorms."

Lily stopped abruptly and laughed, sharp and bitter. "I have to take five potions a day – and that's not including my Dreamless! If I'm going in to see Madam Pomfrey every single morning and evening, people are going to figure out that there's something wrong with me." She shook her head. "In the dorms I can just take my potions behind my bed-curtains. It's not like anyone can steal my potions, or even peek at them."

That much was true. Her Healer – damn him – had warded the dark wooden potions box and keyed it to specific magical signatures. It only recognised Lily, her mum and dad, and of course, himself, as he was the one who provided the potions. Two every morning, three every night. Every day for the rest of her life.

She took Dreamless Sleep every night, as well. Someday she might not need it. But now, every time she tried to go a night without it, she had night terrors so extreme she was actually in danger of hurting herself. Her Healer had created a new version of Dreamless Sleep that didn't cause dependency, just for her sake; though it was now being used throughout the wizarding world.

Lily supposed it was a testament to just how much the potions were blunting her emotions that she was able to think of all this without any outward sign of distress. Her emotions had always been rather... extreme. Though now she knew why.

Lily pushed her way forward to the train, where she would unload her trolley and get her trunk on board.

"I'll get it." Lily blinked as she stared at her brother. James flushed, and simply grabbed her trunk and began tugging.

"I'll help!" Now Al was doing it. Lily stared at them. She still wasn't used to it. Everyone treated her like glass, and from some people she expected it. Some she even needed it from. But she didn't think she would ever adjust to the change in the way that James and Al treated her.

"Hello, Lily."

She closed her eyes. She knew he'd be here, of course. He'd be here because of his son, even if her parents didn't want him here. But they did. Nobody cared that she didn't.

Sighing, she turned to face him, staring into his pale grey eyes unflinchingly. "Hello, Healer Malfoy."

He smiled at her. The warm smile, the one he hardly ever used, and that made her feel safe when nothing else did. She hated him for using that smile. "Are you looking forward to Hogwarts?"

She shrugged, looking away. "I'm trying not to get too excited. Since I might not be allowed to stay, you know."

He laid a hand on her shoulder – which bothered her mostly because it didn't bother her.

"Remember, Lily, we have an appointment at the end of the first week in the Headmistress' office. If you're doing well, I'll meet you there once every week to check on you and bring refills of your potions, and you'll be able to live a fairly normal Hogwarts life aside from that. Sound good?"

She ignored him. She used to love him. He helped her; saved her from the blackness she was drowning in. He was the only one who made her feel safe.

But he betrayed her and now she hated him.

As she stared at the Hogwarts Express, she thought how ironic it was that two years ago she couldn't wait for this day – and now that it was here, she'd give anything to go back. Back before her life fell apart.

One month and five days after Al left for Hogwarts for the first time, her mum and dad sat her down for a talk.

"Lily?"

Lily smiled at her mother, though the look on her mum's face made her worry for a moment. She fidgeted nervously. "Mum?"

"Hey, Lilybug." She turned to see her dad looking even more nervous and upset than her mum, running his fingers through his hair over and over, biting his lip. "We need to talk to you."

Her mum took her hand, and she looked up in confusion.

"Mum?" She couldn't keep the fright out of her voice.

"Lily, you know that we love you and your brothers more than anything, right?"

She blinked and nodded, blankly.

He cleared his throat.

"Lily... your mum and I love each other. We're good friends, and we always will be."

"But we're not in love with each other," her mum said softly. "We're going to get a divorce."

Lily stared blankly at the pavement as she remembered how her life had begun to shatter into pieces.

In the months that followed, she cried so hard, so often, and simply couldn't understand why her dad had moved out, why her parents had ended their marriage. She was so fragile, so emotionally vulnerable, that the horror of what happened next was even more potent than it might have been otherwise.

Seven months, three weeks, and two days after her parents had broken her heart, she was out in Diagon Alley with her mum. She was angry and sullen, and tried to run away to make her mum worry a little; to pay for hurting her. Unbeknownst to her, she wandered right into Knockturn Alley.

That was how he found her.

Cyrus Tomlin, a pureblood Dark wizard whose brother was languishing in Azkaban because of Head Auror Harry Potter, saw the perfect opportunity for revenge, all in the form of a little redheaded girl walking alone down a dark alley.

Silence.

So quiet, like the calm before the storm. That was almost the worst part, the silence. The waiting, knowing what was coming, but no idea when.

Lily whimpered into the silence as she lay in her chains on the cold stone floor. Her hands were shackled together, and a steel collar around her neck with a heavy chain running from it kept her loosely tethered to the ground.

Her lips were cracked and dry. She couldn't remember the last time The Bad Man had given her food or water. Her whole body ached. Her eyes were closed; it made no difference whether or not they were open, but at least this way she could pretend. Pretend it was all a dream.

She never pretended there was light anymore, though. Light was bad. Light meant he was here, he was coming.

Lily was afraid of the light.

Darkness was better. Darkness didn't turn the blood to lava in her veins. Didn't make her back arch, her bones crack, and her throat turn raw from screaming.

Lily wished that it could be dark forever.

Footsteps in the silence.

Lily tensed, her body quivering with remembered pain. He would heal her when he was done; but only enough to keep her alive. She clenched her eyes shut tight, but still she saw the wandlight through the backs of her eyelids as the footsteps halted in front of her face.

The Bad Man was back.

"Hello, Pet," he purred. "Ready to play again?" He drew his wand.

She screamed.

Lily always screamed.

Slowly, she retreated to that place inside herself where she wouldn't have to hurt anymore.

Lily closed her eyes against the memories, barely repressing a shudder. She could feel herself drawing away, trying to hide inside herself, and desperately tried to stop.

She couldn't. Not here, not now. Lily might be able to fool her parents, but Healer Malfoy would know.

He always knew.

She used to lean on him when she felt weak like this, but not anymore. Healer Malfoy was not her friend. Not anymore.

Turning away from him slightly so he couldn't see her front, she slid one hand onto her chest, pressing down against the necklace she wore under her jumper. The black onyx pendant felt cool against her skin, and it calmed her somewhat.

She forced herself to open her eyes and appear calm in the face of the memories of the three month imprisonment that shattered her mind, fracturing it apart. She had suppressed a lot of it, but what she could remember was a constant torment. She didn't want to know what she'd forgotten.

Countless hours of therapy and an endless stream of potions, yet she was still a mess. Falling apart. She'd just gotten better at hiding it.

Lily was good at hiding things. Good at keeping secrets.

So many secrets.

She pasted on a smile that looked genuine if you didn't look into her eyes and prepared to board the train. She was careful not to look at Healer Malfoy.

---

"Lily Potter!"

Professor Sprout's voice echoed in the Great Hall as Lily stepped up to be Sorted. She was sure she'd be a Gryffindor like James. After everything she'd been through, she knew she was brave. She doubted she was smart enough to be a Ravenclaw like Al, and she knew she wasn't nice enough to be a Hufflepuff. She definitely wasn't {evil} dark enough to be a Slytherin.

She sat on the stool while Professor Sprout put the Hat on her head.

Well, well, what have we here? Another Potter, it seems. And yet... you are not like the others. Your mind is... divided in a unique way.

The Hat paused.

Please don't tell anyone. Don't tell anyone what you see; please!

Lily trembled as she pleaded with the Hat.

I never share the secrets of others. What I see in your mind, stays in your mind and in mine.

The Hat sounded saddened, grieved.

One so young as you should not have seen or felt such things. Should never have suffered so. So much pain and sorrow...

It paused again, as though trying to collect itself. Lily didn't know how to respond, so she stayed silent.

You are a difficult one to sort. There is much courage in you, and strength, to have allowed you to endure as you did. It takes great cleverness for you to project the illusion of stability that you do. But above all else, you have the strength and willingness to survive at all costs, and the cunning to protect your many secrets. The ambition and drive to become all you can be, despite your limitations. There's no doubt you belong in...

"SLYTHERIN!"

Lily sat frozen in shock. She couldn't move; couldn't breathe. She could hear the murmurs of the students, the polite clapping of the other Slytherin students. She was vaguely aware of Professor Sprout taking the Hat off her head, asking her to get down. The lights were so bright, as colours blended together. She felt dizzy. She knew she should reach for her onyx pendant, but couldn't bring herself to move.

No. Please; please, no. Not here, not now!

The Hall swelled into a great cacophony of noise as her vision faded and she blessedly fell asleep.

---

Gemma opened her eyes and drew in a shaky breath. She looked at Professor Sprout. "Sorry," she said with an apologetic smile. "I was just surprised."

Professor Sprout smiled back at her. "It's alright, dear. I don't think anyone was quite expecting that!"

Gemma nodded and hopped off the stool. She made her way timidly towards the Slytherin table. Another girl with with short, dark brown hair moved aside for her, eyeing her with interest.

"I'm Delphinia Parkinson," she announced. "You're Harry Potter's daughter, aren't you?" She raised an inquiring brow.

"Yes," Gemma lied. "I'm Lily Potter."

---

Lily opened her eyes and stared at the green canopy above her. Her first day of classes had been hell.

To start, when she had opened her eyes that morning, the sense of clarity and the sharpness and utter intensity with which she felt everything immediately told her that she had not taken her potions the night before. Of course not. Her alternate hated the potions as much as she did. The glint of the empty potions vial by her pillow smelled only of the Dreamless Sleep she would have gotten from the infirmary. Her alternate depended on it as much as she did.

Then there was the little matter of how she had woken up with no memory of anything that had happened from the moment she fell asleep after her Sorting. While it seemed that her uninvited guest had done nothing to raise anyone's suspicions, the fact that the following morning she remembered none of her housemates, and had no idea which door led to the showers and which to the hall nearly gave her away.

Luckily, she was able to explain it away by pretending she was still half asleep. Then, when she opened her trunk to look for clothes, she found a folded parchment sitting on top of her things.

Lily,

I know you're probably feeling confused this morning. I took the time to write down everything you need to know before I went to sleep last night. Just like at home. Don't worry, I'll take care of you here, just like there.

I know you're probably mad you missed the Welcoming Feast, but I couldn't have let you wake up in the middle of it, could I? You would have been confused and you wouldn't have been able to hide it, and while your new Housemates wouldn't know exactly what was wrong, they would have known that something was. Word would get out, and even if the Headmistress didn't find out, Al or Jamie might've. No matter what, the result would have been the same.

They only let you come back because they thought the potions were enough to keep me locked away. You and I both know that isn't true.

I'm here to protect you, Lily. I'll be here as long as you need me.

Love,

Gemma.

"I don't need you anymore," Lily whispered, a lump in her throat. "I don't."

She turned her attention to the list below the letter.

The first thing you need to remember is that the girl with a face like a pug is named Delphinia Parkinson...

Thanks to the list, she had managed without raising any eyebrows. But she had been badly startled, and it wasn't like at home, where she had a room of her own where she could retreat to be alone.

Here she felt so exposed and open.

Nowhere to hide. No one to trust.

While she was used to feeling there was no one she could trust, she was also used to it being a very small circle of people she couldn't trust that she had to interact with on a daily basis. Here, there was a whole castle full of them. She clutched at the onyx stone around her neck almost constantly throughout the day.

Walking the halls, with other students and staff swarming around her, she began to feel that everyone was watching her.

By the suppertime the first day she had become paranoid. She was convinced that everyone somehow knew, and they were just waiting for her to trip up and expose herself. Every whispering student she passed was whispering about her, everyone who looked at her looked at her with mocking pity, or derision. There was sarcasm and scorn in every voice she heard.

And she couldn't do or say anything to stop it, because that was what they wanted. If she did that, they'd win, and the game would be up. They could kick her out of Hogwarts – not that she was entirely sure she still wanted to be there at that point – and she'd go back home, where she'd be locked up again for the rest of her life.

Not allowed to go anywhere alone, because it was too dangerous.

Not allowed to use magic, because it was too dangerous.

Just as much a helpless prisoner there as she'd been in that dark, dark, cold dungeon.

The only difference was that she wouldn't be tortured – though without magic she would always be at the mercy of everyone around her, a position she did not relish – and her prison would be friendlier.

It would still be a prison.

It didn't help that in the morning, she'd been so rushed after she finished Gemma's letter that she forgot to take her morning potions.

With the fear came depression, settling on her like a shroud. Her very own personal Dementor, sucking the joy out of everything, everywhere she went.

She was sitting at supper, jumping at every little thing, refusing to be drawn into conversation with her housemates, trying to pretend she was eating, when she received a message from the Headmistress asking her to go up to her office after the meal.

At once she felt the familiar sensation of sensory overload, dissociating as everything became too much and too far away all at once. Even as she panicked, internally begging Gemma to leave well enough alone, she found herself relaxing into the infinite bliss of letting go.

And now she was waking again, staring at her canopy, unsure behind her curtains if it was morning or night, how much time had passed or what had happened. Was she merely biding time here before her parents arrived to bring her home, or had Gemma somehow been able to beat the Headmistress at her own game?

Beside her pillow, again there was the glint of the Dreamless Sleep vial.

"Lily!"

She flinched.

"You missed breakfast, sleepyhead!" Delphinia's slightly nasal voice came from just outside the cloth barrier. "The Headmistess wants you to go up to her office!"

Panic seized Lily. She waited for the usual sensations to flood her, and while the dissociation she was accustomed to was present, and her senses seemed heightened, there was nothing to indicate the usual feeling of being dragged under as she floated away where she didn't have to hurt anymore.

That panicked her even more. There was a momentary flash of betrayal – even Gemma had turned against her – before it was overwhelmed in the horrifying realisation that she was trapped. She couldn't get away!

She began to hyperventilate, gasping for breath as her awareness flickered in and out.

Dark, so dark. So dark and cold and quiet.

Footsteps.

Light.

Pain.

Her eyes flew open as she screamed, scrambling back towards the footboard, away from the light. There was a shriek as Delphinia jumped back from where she'd drawn the curtain open, and it fell back into place, encasing Lily in darkness again. She froze, panting, as she took stock of her situation.

She closed her eyes and drew in a shaky breath, forcing herself to calm. It had been so much easier to keep control of herself when her emotions had been numbed by the potion!

She clasped her pendant with shaking fingers and breathed deeply, holding it as tightly as she could. It pulsed in her hand, both cool and warm at the same time, giving her a feeling of peace, of security. Of love.

"Delphinia?" She tried to keep her voice as steady and normal-sounding as she could. "Are you still there?"

"Yeah," came the answer. "What... Lily, what's wrong?"

"Nightmare," Lily lied reflexively. "I was still sleeping, and having a terrible nightmare. You startled me."

"Oh." Delphinia laughed. "Sorry."

Lily closed her eyes and breathed deeply, trying to calm herself enough to venture out into the light. Ever since her imprisonment, she preferred the darkness. She felt safest when she couldn't see or hear anything.

Light made her think of the many hours she'd spent on the business end of a Dark wizard's wand. She no longer flinched from the light the way she once had, and she'd stopped feeling so utterly terrified every time she saw a harmless spell cast, but darkness allowed her to relax in a way she simply could not when there was light.

Noises didn't make her panic anymore, but she still felt better when there were none; so that she could hear that there weren't any footsteps coming towards her.

There was a rustling sound, and she forced down the fear that wanted to rise. Opened her eyes and reminded herself she was at Hogwarts, not locked up anywhere.

"Lily?"

"Coming," she said, forcing herself to move and climb out of the four-poster. Delphinia thrust a bundle into her hands as she as she appeared.

"Here." She scowled. "I'm not a sodding house elf, so that's the last time I'll ever do that. Just get them on and get going before McGonagall takes away all of Slytherin's points!"

Lily gaped, as she examined the bundle in her arms and realised that Delphinia had gotten out her clothes. A flutter of panic settled in her gut – she couldn't go meet the Headmistress without reading about whatever Gemma had talked with her about last night – but she now had no excuse to go into her trunk.

"I, ah," she glanced at the clothes in her arms, then moved towards her trunk and Gemma's precious letter. "Thank you, Delphinia, but I'd much rather wear-"

"Oh, no, you don't!" snarled Delphinia, shoving her back. "Throw those on and get out! Do you have any idea how mad McGonagall was that you weren't at breakfast?"

Lily swallowed. She moved mechanically, stripping off her sleepwear and sliding on a fresh pair of knickers, socks, clean blue jeans, and a baby-blue jumper. Her fingers shook so badly she could barely do up the zip.

Delphinia watched her with growing curiosity. "What does she want to see you for, anyway?"

"I don't know," Lily answered truthfully.

She tried to wait for Delphinia to leave first, hoping to grab the letter from her trunk before she had to leave, but Delphinia grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her out the door.

She couldn't stop shaking, the whole way to Professor McGonagall's office. Delphinia stuck to her like glue, determined to satisfy her own curiosity. The fear and depression settling over Lily were so thick she almost choked on them.

Lily couldn't really bring herself to ask Delphinia to leave. For some reason the other girl had adopted her as her new best friend, and none of Lily's odd behaviour had so far dissuaded her. Lily didn't trust her, by any means; but the other girl was still a reassuring presence in the face of this almost sinister uncertainty.

Delphinia smirked at the stone goblin standing guard over the entrance. "Gamp's Law," she said, clearly pleased to have been given the password.

The curved staircase up to the Headmistress' office seemed so much longer than it had during her first and last visit here, two weeks before the start of term, when Professor McGonagall had decided to have Lily's parents bring her with them on one of the visits they'd made while the Headmistress attempted to reach a decision on whether or not Lily should be allowed to attend.

When the girls reached the door, Lily couldn't bring herself to knock. Delphinia shot her an annoyed glance, before reaching out and rapping on it.

"Come in, Miss Potter. Miss Parkinson, thank you for escorting her here, but please return to class."

Delphinia gaped in surprise at hearing the Headmistress address her through a closed door, before scowling. "Well," she huffed. "Some thanks!"

Lily felt a twinge of guilt. "I'll tell you everything later," she promised, knowing full well that she would probably have to lie. Delphinia's face brightened.

"You'd better!" She squeezed Lily's arm. "Don't let the old tabby cat bite you, now!" With a wink, she turned and went back the way they'd come.

Lily drew in a deep breath, touched her pendant one last time, and opened the door.

"Headmistress?" she asked softly.

McGonagall stepped away from her desk. "I'll just leave you two alone for a while," she said, sweeping past Lily and out of the room. Lily blinked in confusion, before her attention was drawn to the pale figure stepping out of the shadows behind the Headmistress' desk.

"Hello, Lily," said Healer Malfoy. "I take it that Gemma didn't tell you I was coming?"

---

Draco watched Lily closely. From the look of first shock, then betrayal that passed over her face, his suspicion that she was somehow communicating with "Gemma" was correct.

He'd told Harry that his misgivings about the Potters sending Lily to Hogwarts this year were founded as much on the belief that his potions skills weren't behind the disappearance of Lily's alternate as much as an improved ability at hiding her was, as those reservations were founded on his belief that the experience might be too much for her, too soon.

Not two days into term, he was already certain he had been correct.

Granted, it was pure luck that McGonagall had spoken to Gemma, not Lily the night before, even if the Headmistress hadn't realised it. It was an even greater stroke of luck that Gemma had not seen fit to warn Lily before this morning.

It appeared that at least Gemma still had some measure of trust in him, however much she might deny it for Lily's sake. Like almost all alternates, she only wanted to keep Lily safe. If she felt that trusting him would be the best way to do that, she would do it, even if Lily didn't trust him at all anymore.

The look of betrayal had morphed into one of fear. Lily's eyes darted about, and her breath quickened. Unconsciously, she clutched at something underneath her jumper. He noticed the dilated pupils, and silently cursed.

"You stopped taking your potions, Lily," he said quietly. He allowed a small measure of disappointment to colour his voice.

Lily's breath hitched. "No, I didn't," she countered.

He suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. Potters.

"Lily," he said, taking care to speak slowly and let each word sink in. "You're having an episode. I can tell just by looking at you. If you were taking your potions, that wouldn't be happening."

Lily blinked at him. "What do you mean?" Her voice was thick with suspicion.

Draco sighed inwardly. "Your pupils are dilated. Your breathing's erratic, and you look like you're a second away from bolting from the room. You can't stop looking around as if you're expecting an ambush. I'm shocked that no one else has noticed, even if they aren't Mind Healers."

"They all know," she murmured. "They're always looking. Everywhere, everyone's always looking! I see them whispering. I know they know!" Her voice rose towards the end, and she finished with an accusing glare at him.

He felt a slight ache in his chest. They'd come so far, and now she regarded everything he said with suspicion.

"No one knows, Lily. No one called me here; but when I heard how you'd Sorted I had a feeling you'd be having a hard time accepting it. I was already sure you would be having a hard time adjusting, but when I learned about your Sorting, I was sure that you'd need to see me before the end of the week."

She shook her head, still glaring at him.

"Lily," he said softly. "Why can't you trust me?"

Her eyes narrowed. "You know," she said meaningfully.

That was the thing. He didn't. He didn't know whether it was something he'd said or done that she'd misunderstood, or if she'd had another break from reality and wasn't aware that whatever scenario it was that had been manufactured by her mind wasn't real.

"Lily, what we've got here is failure to communicate." He met her stare. "I have no idea what it is that I did, so if you want me to fix it, you'll need to tell me."

Lily shot him a withering look.

He closed his eyes and counted to ten in his head. Opening them again, he met her gaze calmly. "Lily, you trusted me once, for much less reason than you have now. In fact, you trusted me for no reason at all." He would have continued, but he paused when he saw the tiny shake of her head.

She stared at the carpet. "You turned off the light," she whispered.

He jumped, startled. He remembered the last time she'd said those words.

Draco moved down the fourth-floor corridor at St. Mungo's, trying not to look as discouraged as he felt. He'd become a Mind Healer because he wanted to help people the way he'd been helped.

It had taken over three years after the war for him to finally come to peace with everything that had happened, and his role in things. His Mind Healer had been the only reason he'd come to terms with it at all. He made the decision to become a Mind Healer himself.

But the memories of the wizarding world were not so short as all that. It took him another five years to gain acceptance into the Healer program; Draco thought they only let him in after all that time to save themselves the hassle of trying so unsuccessfully to get rid of him and his persistent attempts to gain admittance. He was sure that once he'd had a chance to prove himself, they'd change their minds.

The Healer program was three years for Generalised Healing, followed by two of Specialization. He'd be considered an Apprentice Mind Healer for five years after that, having to report on his patients and his progress to a Senior Mind Healer until, at the end of the five year period, he became a fully certified Mind Healer himself, ten years after beginning the program.

Suspicions and prejudices didn't let up at all over the years, despite the fact that he was always at the top of his class, and as a Malfoy, had no monetary need to work; he was doing this solely to help others. But it seemed like no one would accept him on as an apprentice. That is, until his old Mind Healer had spoken for him, and he had reported to her for the requisite five years.

He was simply fortunate there that Mind Healers weren't restricted in their professional/personal relationships with either patients or co-workers the way that their counterparts were in the Muggle world – even though Draco would admit to himself that the way Muggles handled matters of psychology were superior in a lot of ways to that of the magical community. He gathered the bulk of his techniques from Muggle Medical Journals and Professional Psychology Papers printed in the Muggle world, adapting them for wizards and witches.

Finally, after all that time and effort and hard work, St. Mungo's had reluctantly allowed him to become a fully licensed Mind Healer last year.

Suspicion and hate still dogged his footsteps, if not with the same intensity and frequency it once had. Patients still refused to be treated by him, though the glowing reports of his skill, his compassion and expertise, helped to counter-balance that somewhat.

It was difficult, after having been brought up to expect the world to fall at his feet, to accept that he would never be fully accepted by society. But he had adjusted to it enough in the years immediately following the war that he could keep from ever showing hurt or weariness to those who watched him, waiting for him to break.

His family couldn't understand it. His father never would have put up with the kind of things they did to Draco. But as Draco had learned during the war, he was not his father. And as he'd come to realise at the same time, that was actually not such a bad thing.

As he moved through the halls into the Intensive Care ward, he kept his head up and ignored those of his colleagues who had yet to move past the war and his part in it, and tried not to focus on the fact that his latest patient had just dismissed him because of his name.

It left his caseload empty, for the time being, and he was not overly hopeful that the administration would assign him a new one soon. He reflected that he might as well check in on some of his outreach patients while he had the spare time. They, at least, appreciated him, having been helped by him already.

He turned a corner and paused.

Potter and his wife – ex-wife – stood in the hall, speaking to a Senior Mind Healer in low voices. Potter put his arm around his ex-wife and she leaned into his shoulder as the Mind Healer shook his head.

Draco swallowed. He'd heard – as had the entire wizarding world – that Potter's daughter had finally been found two weeks ago, after over three months of frantic searching. She'd been kidnapped and held prisoner by a Dark wizard with a grudge, and Draco shuddered to think what she must have endured during her captivity. The conclusion that they were here because of her was quite easy to reach.

Draco walked over to the trio.

"Potter, Weas– Ginerva." He nodded at them. "Healer Ferguson." He dipped his head to the older Healer in acknowledgement of his rank.

He met Potter's eyes, and the slight flush to Potter's cheeks told him that Potter was remembering the last time they'd seen one another.

They'd run into each other at a muggle gay bar, both celebrating their newly finalized divorces, the delayed discovery of their own sexualities, and their similar attempts to drown the nervousness of their first time doing something like this with copious amounts of muggle liquor. They bonded over the similarities in their circumstances and the fact that they were both new to the scene.

After an unknown number of drinks, they decided, rather than going through the awkward and somewhat daunting process of attempting to pick up a stranger that they would go back to Potter's flat together.

They'd had a wonderful night together, and while the following morning was somewhat awkward, after downing hangover potions they'd ended up giving a repeat performance of the night before, and it had been even better sober.

When Draco left, Potter nonchalantly suggested he owl, and he'd promised he would.

They did exchange a couple of owls, but then Potter's daughter disappeared.

Potter looked away, and a shadow passed over his face.

Draco glanced at the large enchanted window in the wall, where he could see through to the room inside. A little redheaded girl was cowering in the corner, writhing and twisting in on herself as though trying desperately to make herself smaller. She appeared to be screaming, though like all other intensive care rooms, this one was warded against sound.

His heart clenched painfully to see the tiny figure.

Lily. Named for Potter's mother.

"Healer Malfoy, I suggest you move along." Healer Ferguson gave him a withering glare.

Draco nodded, but before he could move Potter spoke up.

"Maybe he could help."

Draco stared at Potter, who wasn't looking at him, but at the other Healer.

"None of you have been able to do anything for her so far, and I know him. I want to know if he has any ideas."

The Weaselette gave Draco an assessing look, and nodded. "I think that might be a good idea. Harry had told me that Malfoy's changed over the years, and he trusts him now."

Draco raised a brow fractionally. He'd known that Potter's ex had picked out his outfit for the evening he went to the bar, but he hadn't realised that Potter would tell her what had transpired that night, let alone who it had transpired with. Apparently Potter's assertion that they were good friends, and there were no lingering feelings or jealousy was correct.

Healer Ferguson scowled.

Draco fought to repress a smile. It was not a joyful occasion, but he was so very grateful to have someone actually request his assistance – and for that person to be Potter – that he found himself with the urge, anyway.

"How has her behaviour been since she's been brought in? Has she said anything?"

"Just this." With a flick of his wand, Healer Ferguson switched on a listening spell that allowed the sounds from the room to spill out into the corridor, without flooding the rest of the ward.

Draco frowned when he saw Potter and his ex both flinch at the sound of their daughter's screams.

"Lightlightlightlightlightlightlight!"

Flicking his own wand, Draco quickly cancelled the spell. He tried not to glare at the Senior Healer, since he was supposed to show respect, but he disliked the man more than ever now that he had chosen such a cold-hearted show of revenge on the distraught parents, just because they'd asked for Draco's opinion.

"She hasn't stopped since she's come in?"

Healer Ferguson shrugged. "Not quite. She's never quiet – even in her sleep she struggles and cries out – but when she's awake she's like this. The only time she stops is when someone comes in and talks to her. After a while she calms down a little bit, she keeps crying and wailing, but she doesn't scream as much. She doesn't interact, and doesn't seem to be truly aware of anything around her. She won't let anyone get close. We have to stun her to perform diagnostics, and administer potions. She also has seizures on a fairly regular basis."

Draco nodded and stared at the crying girl in the room beyond. "Why do you think she's crying 'Light'?"

"Lily was always afraid of the dark," said Potter quietly. "We found her in a dark dungeon – pitch black. The Healers say they can't seem to break through to help her understand that she isn't in the dark anymore."

Draco nodded, though his brow furrowed slightly as a thought struck him. "So you haven't turned off the lights since she's been here? Not even when she sleeps?"

"Of course not!" Healer Ferguson looked indignant. "We're trying to help her, not make her worse!"

Draco nodded absently, his mind racing. He turned to Potter, stared right into his bright green eyes. "May I try something?"

Potter nodded. "I trust you, Malfoy."

Draco tried not to show how strongly that remark affected him. He cast a charm over his eyes and stepped through the wards over the door and into the room. Lily's screaming filled the air, and he drew his wand.

At the sight of it, she shrank back even further, and the pitch of her screams rose in intensity.

She's afraid of wands.

Draco wondered if anyone else had come to that conclusion. He doubted it, somehow.

"Lily!" He raised his voice. "I'm going to turn off the light!" With a wave of his wand, the room plunged into darkness, and Lily's screaming abruptly cut off.

With the charm over his eyes, Draco could still see, just as he knew the charm over the window would allow the others in the corridor to see as well. Lily visibly relaxed, slumping against the wall.

"Dark," she said softly. The relief in her voice was palpable.

"Yes, Lily," Draco repeated. "Dark." She tensed at the sound of his voice.

"Not Lily."

Draco nodded. That wasn't all that unusual with patients suffering some kind of psychological disturbance. "Alright, not-Lily, what should I call you?"

"Gemma."

He smiled, even though she couldn't see it, knowing that it would soften his voice. "Well, Gemma, I want you to know that I'm not here to hurt Lily. I'm here to help her. May I please speak with her?"

Lily – rather, Gemma, though at the time he hadn't known he honestly was not speaking to Lily – stared at him for a moment, before nodding. Her eyes looked unfocused, and she blinked them closed. Then her eyes sprang open, and she drew in a sharp breath, eyes darting wildly.

Draco frowned. Her behaviour was a little bit unusual, even for a patient in her position. Something he'd read about in a Muggle psychology publication niggled in the back of his mind, but he couldn't quite remember at the moment and couldn't afford to spend his concentration on recalling it now. He'd think on it later.

Lily drew her knees up to her chest and whimpered, looking around frantically. After a moment she relaxed again. "Dark," she repeated, sounding comforted.

"Yes, Lily," he said softly. "I turned off the light for you."

Her gaze snapped in his direction, and once again she froze up, looking panicked. He tried to smile reassuringly and bring that across in his voice.

"Are you afraid of the light, Lily?"

"Bad light," she said, her voice quavering. "Hurts. Light means The Bad Man. Green light. Red light. Blue light. White light. Hurts! Hurts! Hurts! Dark safe. No light means no Bad Man."

Draco's throat felt too tight. He would have to speak to the other Healers about using spells on her. It was no wonder they had to stun her to run diagnostics. No wonder she was afraid of wands. He tried to sound calm as he spoke again.

"It's okay, Lily; I'm here to help you. I'm a friend."

She was still taunt as a bowstring, looking wildly. "Where?" she asked, sounding frightened.

He moved over to her slowly, and knelt in front of her. It wasn't pitch black in the room, and he knew she would be able to make him out now that her eyes had adjusted and he was so close to her. His white-blond hair and pale skin would be more visible than most in the near-darkness.

She stared at him, then finally relaxed once again. "Not Dark," she said, sounding relieved.

Draco was slightly puzzled. Did she want the light back on?

"Light," she murmured, reaching out and touching his hair. "Not a Dark wizard."

Draco swallowed heavily. No one thought that about him. In that moment, he fell just a little bit in love with the little girl he would grow to care for as if she were his own daughter.

"That's right, Lily," he responded. "Not a Dark wizard. Not anymore." His voice was hoarse.

"Friend," she said.

He nodded. "I'm a friend."

"Only friend."

He blinked. "Why would you think that I'm your only friend?"

She regarded him solemnly. There was so much trust and hope in those soft brown eyes that he could barely breathe.

"You turned off the light."

Draco had managed to convince her to eat – she'd been getting by on nutrition potions since she'd been admitted – and found out that Healer Ferguson had recast the listening charm as soon as he had entered the room. Consequently, the Potters had heard everything, from the first exhalation of "Dark."

They had insisted that Lily be transferred into his care, and he'd been her Mind Healer ever since. A month after taking over her case, having witnessed so many switches between Lily and Gemma, he'd done his research into that information from the Muggle medical journal, and realised that Lily had DID – Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as MPD; Multiple Personality Disorder.

Like most patients with DID, Lily suffered several other co-morbid – or co-existing – psychological problems. She also suffered from severe PTSD, or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, mild Schizophrenia, Panic Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Epilepsy. Between his intersctions with her and conversations with the Potters, he determined that she also had BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder – which she'd probably developed as a younger child. Pensieve memories confirmed that theory.

This resulted in extreme emotions – individuals with BPD felt emotions much more intensely than normal, their emotional reactions took far longer to fade, and they would frequently relive the emotions when remembering past events, as if those events were actually reoccurring. They felt rage rather than irritation, despair instead of sadness, humiliation rather than mild embarrassment. Individuals with BPD were also deeply insecure, and lived in constant fear of abandonment.

All of this, these seven co-morbid psychological disorders that Lily was struggling with following her imprisonment, made adjusting to normal life a monumental challenge. Treating her was very difficult. At the very least, Draco knew from his research that patients with DID usually had five to seven co-morbid disorders, and the material available for treating Lily's DID would be designed to work around her other disorders.

While there was a genetic component to these disorders, meaning the possibility for developing them had always existed, most, if not all of them would likely have remained dormant her entire life if she hadn't been put through the trauma that she was. The seizures, for example, were a direct result of spell damage, but may not have been an issue beyond the Spell Damage Healers' ability to treat if there hadn't already been a dormant gene for epilepsy in her DNA.

Draco worked with her patiently to help her learn to cope with the flashbacks, triggers, paranoia, depression, and dissociation she experienced. He researched potions to eliminate the short bouts of psychosis she would experience on occasion. Draco also helped her learn to minimize the emergence of Gemma. Everything that couldn't be treated with potions had to be managed using Muggle techniques, as DID was largely unexplored in the magical world.

Most psychological disorders in the wizarding world were treated with either potions or spells, and any therapy was dependant on the individual Mind Healer. While there were Mind Healers like Draco, and his mentor, Anna, who researched Muggle techniques and incorporated them into their own methods, focusing heavily on therapy, there were also many Mind Healers who simply gave up once spells and potions had proven ineffective. Draco and Anna were struggling to change that, along with a few others, but they were the minority.

When, two months after he'd become Lily's Mind Healer, he told the Potters that she was ready to go home, Potter had flung his arms around Draco's neck and kissed him. The Weaselette began laughing, and by the time they parted ways they were no longer Weaselette, Potter, and Malfoy, but Ginny, Harry, and Draco.

Harry moved back home, into one of the spare rooms, to help with Lily until she was more stable. Draco all but lived there himself while he treated Lily, and dated Harry. The four of them made for an unlikely, odd little family, made odder still when James, Albus, and Scorpius were home during the summer and for holidays.

Being Ginny Weasley's friend was odd, being Harry Potter's boyfriend was odder still, but he was first and foremost Lily's Mind Healer. It had always been his first priority, almost on par with being Scorpius' father, and it always would be.

She was still skittish, still wary of others, even her own family, but she was a far cry from the broken little thing she'd been, completely disconnected from reality when they first met. He was the only one she fully trusted, but she trusted him absolutely and it was helping him greatly in aiding her progress.

After spending long hours researching and experimenting in the lab he set up in the Potter's basement – because he stayed there so often, trying to always be on hand when Lily needed him – he created experimental potions designed to minimize Lily's symptoms and allow her to have a normal life.

Things had been going so well, until four weeks ago, when she'd abruptly stopped trusting him.

He shook his head to clear the memories. Lily had been standing there quietly while he was lost in thought, not taking her eyes off of him. Those soft brown orbs he'd seen filled with so much hope and trust back in that dark room in St. Mungo's were filled with distrust and resentment. It hurt. Lily was so much more than just a patient to him now. She was family.

"Lily," he said firmly. "You need to talk to me. I swear I have no idea what you're upset about!"

Her eyes narrowed. "Liar!" she hissed.

Draco blinked, taken aback. He glanced at the chairs in front of the desk, and pulled one out, sinking heavily into it. He put his face in his hands, trying to figure out how to proceed.

He needed to get Lily back on her potions, first of all. It would probably be best to remove her from the school.

He lifted his head and saw her watching him warily, like a vulnerable animal would a hungry predator. He sighed, then gestured to the other chair.

"Do you want to sit down?"

She shook her head, red curls bobbing.

He leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees. "Lily, I think I'm going to have to tell your parents to take you home."

She let out a cry and shook her head violently, eyes frantic. There was a look of panic on her face, and he could see she was fighting to keep Gemma from surfacing.

"Lily," he said softly. "Talk to me. If you want to stay, I need to know what's going on. Why you stopped taking your potions, and what's been happening to you since you got here. It's only been a couple of days, Lily. This can't go on."

She stilled and drew in several deep breaths, trying to calm herself. Her lower lip trembled. Both of her hands were clasped over her breastbone, pressing tightly to her chest. He spoke as gently as he could, trying to explain the situation.

"Right now, Lily, there's not really a reason to keep you here, and every reason to bring you home."

"I don't want to be locked up again!" she burst out.

Draco stared. He thought fleetingly of the dungeons, and realised with a sinking heart that Lily might be triggered by the reminder of the dungeon she'd been kept in.

"I'm so sorry, Lily," he said softly. "I should have thought of the dungeons here... of course that would be a problem..."

Lily shook her head, looking miserable, reluctant, and frightened. She clenched and unclenched her hands at her chest convulsively.

"No! Not... not here." She finished on a whisper, staring at the floor.

Draco just watched her, confused, waiting to see if she would offer an explanation. After a few moments, she continued in a low voice.

"If I can't use magic, I can't... I can't protect myself. I won't be safe." She swallowed. "I won't be able to go anywhere alone and..." She raised her head, looked him right in the eyes and said, "That's just like being locked up again." Her lip trembled and her eyes were desperate. "No one's hurting me right now, but they could. They could, and I can't protect myself. And no one else can protect me." A tear fell from her left eye and ran down her cheek.

Draco was floored. His heart broke a little to hear her explanation for why she was desperate to stay, why she had fought so hard to be allowed to go. He'd had no idea she felt that way, though with her explanation, he could understand why.

She doesn't trust anyone but herself.

He ached to plead with her to trust him, but he knew that until he got to the bottom of why he'd lost her trust, there was no point. And he knew that asking her again would most likely be counter-productive.

He allowed his professional mask to fall away, as he only ever did with her or with Scorpius, and sometimes with Harry. He let her see his face soften as his emotions shone through.

"I understand, Lily. I wish I could say that was enough – but in order for you to be allowed to stay, I need to know why you've been struggling so much, so that I can help you deal with it and stop your symptoms from being an issue. At this point, it might not even matter what I think or what your parents say. The Headmistress needs to know that you're not going to be having these problems if she's going to let you stay at the school."

"Why?" Lily looked so lost, standing there, that he wished he could hold her and make her feel safe again. "Why can't she understand?"

He sighed and raked his fingers through his hair, then grimaced as he realised he was picking up one of Harry's mannerisms that he did not want to emulate.

"It's not that she won't understand, Lily. There are things that people can't accept, even if they do understand them. Your reasons for staying here are one of those things, because unless the Headmistress has reason to think that your disorders aren't going to cause too many problems, she can't let you stay. She has to think of all the other students, too."

Lily was crying in earnest now, though the tears were falling silently.

"Please, Lily. Let me help you. Tell me what's been happening."

Lily blinked rapidly. "I..." She made a frustrated noise. "I don't know!"

"What was happening the first time that you started having problems? What happened? How were you feeling? Can you think about those things, and answer?"

Lily screwed her eyes closed tightly. "I... when I was Sorted... I was talking to the Hat." She swallowed. "It could see... it knew everything that was wrong with me." Her breath quickened. "It said that I was brave, and smart, but most of all that I wanted to..." Lily paused and her brow furrowed as she tried to remember. "It said that I wanted to survive at all costs, and I was very cunning, for hiding my disorders well. And that I was ambitious. Then it said Slytherin." The last part was whispered, and she hung her head in shame.

Draco was somewhat surprised. He knew Harry no longer had a problem with Slytherins, and didn't think Ginny did, either. He knew Al certainly didn't, since he and Scorpius were friends, and Scorpius was a Slytherin. "What's wrong with Slytherins, Lily?"

"Didn't you know Slytherins are all Dark wizards?" she asked softly.

Draco started. "What makes you think that?"

"Uncle Ron always says that."

Draco inwardly rolled his eyes. It was that or scream. The idiot Weasel had done a lot of damage without even being present, just by opening his big mouth!

"Lily, your Uncle Ron was only joking. He used to fight with a lot of Slytherins when he was at school, so he likes to say bad things about Slytherins, since he isn't friends with any of them. Now that you're a Slytherin, he won't do that anymore, because he knows it isn't true and he won't joke around like that when it might hurt your feelings. He only said it in the first place because he didn't realise anyone might take him seriously."

Lily raised her eyes and looked at him with a sort of cautious hope. "Really?" He could see the distrust warring with the desire to believe him on her face.

"And if you want proof that Slytherins aren't all Dark wizards, then think about this – I was a Slytherin."

Lily's eyes widened astronomically. Draco smiled at her.

"I still have my prefect's badge," he added.

Lily stared at him for a few minutes, and more of the fear left her eyes.

Draco leaned forward, deciding to throw caution to the wind, and try once more.

"Lily," he said, allowing his earnestness and open desire to show plainly on his face. "I know you're upset with me right now, but you know that I'm not a Dark wizard, and that makes you less afraid to be a Slytherin. You trust me that much, at least. Please, Lily. Tell me why you stopped trusting me, and let me have a chance to make things right. I'd give almost anything to fix this."

Then he held his breath and waited.

---

Lily stared at Healer Malfoy, trying not to react to what he'd just said, even as her fingers closed that much tighter around the little onyx stone underneath her jumper.

The stone he had given her, as a present on the day she left the hospital. She had been so afraid of going out into the world again, so afraid of being out in all that light, with no darkness to hide in, where no simple Nox could shut off the sun. So he gave her a beautiful pendant – a slender silver chain with a knut-sized onyx stone dangling from it.

"It's a little piece of darkness you can carry with you everywhere, even in the light," he told her. "So when you're feeling afraid, you can hold it and feel safe."

When she touched the stone, it felt both warm and cool in her hand. "It's got magic in it, doesn't it, Healer Malfoy?" She looked into his warm grey eyes, and he smiled.

"It's got a little bit of my magic in it; my magic and my love." His voice was soft and gentle, like a hug. "I charmed it to show how much I care for you, and the magic inside is connected to how I feel about you."

She stared at him, amazed. "What does it mean when it's hot and cold at the same time?"

His smile widened. "It's warm, because I love you as if you were my own daughter. It's cool, because my love won't ever go away. You're in my heart, Lily Potter, and I'm afraid you're staying there."

She'd felt so happy, for the first time since she'd been kidnapped, she started crying. He held her then, and she wished he'd never let her go.

She had sworn she wouldn't think about that. Wouldn't think about how safe and loved he'd made her feel. At the same time, she didn't know how she could live without the stone. She was forbidden to remember, terrified to forget.

She wished she could just tell him.

Would it really be so bad?

He'd said he would do almost anything to fix things with her. Would he be able to fix this?

When she was suffocating in the blackest depression imaginable, he came into her life like a Lumos in a starless midnight. Or, considering her personal feelings about light and darkness, like a Nox in the noon-day sun.

She closed her eyes, and clutched the stone. It felt warm and cool on her skin, a reminder that even though she had shut him out and pushed him away as hard as she could in the last four weeks, he still loved her just the same.

She made her choice.

Opening her eyes and meeting his, she spoke, saying the words that had been stuck to the roof of her mouth for weeks. "I saw you kissing my dad."

He blinked at her, looking surprised.

"That... bothered you?" he asked cautiously.

Lily nodded vigorously.

"My dad moved back home again, and he and mum were together all the time, and I thought they were going to get married again," she explained, her voice quavering. "But you – you kissed him! And he kissed you back! I don't..." She blinked back tears, and gulped in a breath. "I don't want my dad to move away again. I want my family to all live together again, like before. I just want everything to be like it was before!"

Her voice rose until she was nearly shouting. "None of this would have happened if they didn't get divorced! I only ran away from my mum that day because I was mad that she and Dad got divorced! The Bad Man never would have taken me if they'd just stayed married!"

She burst into tears, and began sobbing. Healer Malfoy reached for her, looking so stricken, so remorseful, that Lily ran into his arms without another thought. He held her, stroking her back and making soft noises of comfort to her. She was on her knees in front of him, clinging to him more tightly than she ever had before.

"I'm sorry, Lily," he whispered, over and over into her hair. "I had no idea how you felt. I'm so sorry, sweetheart."

Lily finally calmed down after what felt like hours, though she knew it wasn't nearly that long. Even though she'd stopped crying, except for the occasional sniffle, she didn't want to move away. Healer Malfoy was holding her, and she was safe. For the first time since she'd seen him kissing her dad, she felt completely safe.

She snuggled into his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I missed you," she whispered. "I was so lonely."

He squeezed her tighter for a moment. "I missed you, too. I don't have a daughter of my own, so I sort of decided you would be my little girl instead. And having my little girl push me away hurt very much."

"I'm sorry," Lily whispered back. She hadn't realised she might be hurting him by shutting him out. She'd only been concerned with how to protect herself. Seeing him kiss her dad, seeing him as a barrier to her parents reconciling, felt like such a betrayal. She still didn't know why he did it.

"Why did you do that, Healer Malfoy?" Her voice was muffled by his shoulder. "Why did you kiss him?"

He stiffened for a moment, then relaxed and sighed. "Lily... I had nothing to do with your parents getting divorced. You know that, right?"

She nodded hesitantly.

"I hadn't spoken to either of your parents in years when they got divorced. You can ask either one of them, and they'll tell you that," he continued. "But after they got divorced, I ran into your dad." He paused, searching for words. "I didn't even know you then, Lily. But I knew him, and we were both divorced, and we talked for a long time, and we really liked each other. So we decided to start dating."

Lily froze.

"We sort of stopped when you went missing. The only thing he could think about was finding you. All I could do was owl him to say I was sorry, and I hoped that he did find you soon. I didn't know if we'd ever see each other again." He paused.

A sense of betrayal was washing through Lily, as she realised that Healer Malfoy and her father hadn't just been kissing that one time.

"When I became your Healer, we ended up spending a lot of time together. Your mother was there too, and she and I became good friends. She was the one who picked out the outfit he wore on our first date, before you disappeared. And she was the one who told each of us – separately – to tell the other that we liked him, after I had become your Mind Healer."

Lily felt slightly shocked. If her mother knew... if her mother was encouraging the two of them to get together...

"Your father kissed me right before we brought you home again. And we've been dating ever since. We just didn't tell anybody because your dad's a very private person, and he doesn't really want his personal life in the papers, and because I'm your Mind Healer, so if anyone found out right now they'd probably say I'm taking advantage and try to get a different Mind Healer assigned to your care. Even though I'm working independently from the hospital now, and you're not technically a patient of theirs anymore, if they had an excuse to meddle, they would. They hate me enough to hurt you, your dad, and your whole family if it means they can hurt me, too."

His voice was quiet.

"Why do they hate you?" Lily asked.

He was silent for a little while. "Did your parents ever tell you anything about the war? About Vol-Voldemort?"

Lily nodded. "He was a bad Dark wizard who tried to take over the world. But he got defeated by the Light, and no one has to worry about him anymore. A lot of very brave witches and wizards got killed fighting against him, like my Uncle Fred, or Teddy's mum and dad. But they died fighting to make sure we all could be free."

"Did your parents ever tell you who defeated him? Who it was that beat the strongest Dark wizard ever known?"

Lily shook her head, curiosity getting the better of her. She knew she should be mad, pulling away and screaming at Healer Malfoy for dating her dad like that without telling her, demanding to talk to her mum and find out the truth; but from the moment she'd run into his arms, she realised she could never shut him out again. So she snuggled close to him, and listened to the story he had to tell.

"It was your dad."

Lily's eyes grew wide. "My dad?"

"Yes. He was only seventeen, and he defeated the Darkest wizard our world has ever known."

Lily felt such a tumultuous conflict of emotions that she honestly couldn't respond. She was proud of her dad, and confused about why he never said anything, hopeful – for the first time since she'd been taken – that he might be capable of protecting her, and both hurt and angry that he hadn't protected her against the Dark wizard who'd taken her.

"If he's so powerful, then how come he couldn't save me?"

"He did, Lily. He wasn't there when that man took you, or he would have left a Dark wizard-shaped splat on the street and taken you straight home. As soon as he knew you were in danger, he began looking for you. He didn't rest until he found you. The reason it took so long, wasn't because your dad wasn't smart enough or powerful enough to find you. The man who took you hid you using something called a Fidelus Charm. It's impossible to find something hidden with the Fidelus Charm, unless the person who hid it wants you to find it. And that Dark wizard didn't want anyone to find you."

"Then how did he find me?" Lily wanted desperately to believe that maybe, just maybe, she could trust her father to protect her again.

"He found the Secret Keeper – the only person in the whole world who could tell him how to find you – and found a way to make him tell the secret. The way the Fidelus Charm works is that the secret can't be forced – if the Secret Keeper doesn't want to tell you, you can't make them, no matter what. Not even Veritaserum can make them tell. But your dad found a way to make the Secret Keeper talk, anyway. I don't know what he did, because he won't tell me. He just said that he discovered that there are things he would go to any lengths to achieve, and finding and protecting you was one of them. That he would have done anything and everything he could to save you. It was far more important to him than his own life."

Lily knelt in silence, leaning against Healer Malfoy. She really hoped everything he was telling her was true. Even the part about him dating her dad – while it hurt terribly to think of her parents not getting back together, if her mum wanted her dad and Healer Malfoy to date, then maybe there was a chance that they could all be a family together – her, her mum and dad, Healer Malfoy, James, Al, and Scorpius. Just like that summer and last Christmas. Thinking back on the past eleven months where she'd been living with them, she thought that she could be happy like that for the rest of her life.

Remembering something, she shifted. "You never told me why they hate you."

Healer Malfoy sighed. He kept starting to speak, then stopping and thinking for a while, before starting again. Finally he spoke. "From the time I was born, I was raised to be a Dark wizard," he said, very quietly, nervous about her reaction.

Lily froze, unsure of how to react.

"I was stupid and arrogant. Until I met the Dark – Voldemort – I didn't realise what being a Dark wizard really meant. I'd heard about the things they do, but it wasn't until I was facing them that I realised that I didn't want to be a Dark wizard anymore. I didn't want to cause anyone any pain. But I was stuck on the wrong side, and he was threatening my mother and father. I was too much of a coward to do anything to help the Light side, except pretend not to know who your dad was when they captured him and wanted me to tell them if it was the right person or not, and speaking so that your dad heard us coming when some of us when we could have snuck up on him and defeated him without a fight, in the Room of Hidden Things. Screamed for them not to kill him."

He paused for breath.

"They hate me because I was on the wrong side. Because I was a Dark wizard. Even though your father spoke up at my trial, and told the Wizengamot that I was forced, and about the very, very little bit that I had done to help. He was able to keep me and my family from going to Azkaban."

Lily was absolutely silent for a little while. "Is that why you like my dad?"

Healer Malfoy chuckled. "It made me grateful to him, that's for sure. He also saved my life during the Battle of Hogwarts. I still owe him a life debt. It made me more open to getting to know him when we met again. But I lo-like your father because of who he is. He's a very special man, and I'm very, very grateful to have had him in my life for the past year. When I think about the fact that he chose me to be with, I can't believe how incredibly lucky I am. It feels like a dream, sometimes, and I never want to wake up."

Lily smiled into his shoulder. "Do you love my dad, Healer Malfoy."

There was a long pause.

"Very much." His voice was very quiet. "Almost as much as I love you. Though I don't think I could ever love anyone as much as you, except for Scorpius."

Lily glowed inside. "Does my dad love you, too?"

He squirmed uncomfortably, and coughed. "We haven't exactly talked about that," he admitted.

"Why not?"

"Well... we've always been so focused on you... and I guess it just never seemed like the right time."

"I think you should tell him," Lily declared.

"Well..."

"If you don't tell him, I will," Lily added, challengingly.

Healer Malfoy pulled back, straightening up and looking startled. "Why would you do that?"

Lily frowned, trying to think of the words to say what she wanted.

"You should never wait to tell someone that you love them. What if something happened to my dad, and you never told him? Wouldn't you regret it?"

Healer Malfoy stared at her for a long moment. He shook his head and smiled. "You insightful little monster," he murmured, the warmth in his voice and his eyes taking the sting out of the words. "Alright. You're right, of course. I'll do it. But," he cut her off before she could crow her victory, "you have to tell me what's been going on with you first."

Lily's face fell. She looked away.

"I don't know. I panicked when I got Sorted, and I went to sleep. Gemma was the one who skipped potions."

That last bit was said in the sullen voice of a child who wanted to make sure she wasn't blamed for the misdeeds of others. She reluctantly got to her feet, and moved away, toying with her pendant.

"I didn't come back until yesterday morning. When I woke up, I could tell that Gemma didn't take the evening potions, because I didn't feel dead inside anymore. And I was all mixed up, and I had to try and find Gemma's letter before anyone figured out there was something wrong, and I forgot to take my morning potions. And I was so scared and sad and everyone was watching me all day! Then when the Headmistress said she wanted to see me, I panicked again, and went to sleep again. I didn't come back until right before you got here."

She spoke fast and slow alternately, her voice rising in some places and falling in others. When she finished she heaved a deep breath.

"Your potions make you feel dead inside?" Healer Malfoy sounded shocked and saddened. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Cause I was upset that you kissed my dad, and I was scared that if you couldn't get my potions right, I wouldn't be able to come. That's what you said, so I knew that if you had to keep changing my potions I couldn't come."

She hazarded a glance at Healer Malfoy, and he looked sad, but also understanding.

"Lily," he said firmly. "I need to know how the potions are affecting you, because I'm trying to find a way to make sure you can live a normal life – with magic. If you have to learn at home for a while until I get it right, that won't mean you can't learn magic, or that you're going to be locked up."

He leaned forward again, looking into her eyes earnestly. "Lily, I promise you that I will do everything in my power to make sure that never happens. And your mum and dad will fight their hardest to keep that from happening, too."

Lily stared at the ground, hope warring with fear in her mind. "Do I have to keep taking those potions?"

He sighed. "For now, because you need something to help you – but as soon as I get back to my lab I'll start brewing something different to help you. We can experiment some more and find something that manages your symptoms without making you feel so bad."

"Do I have to go home?"

"I think..." he spoke slowly. "You're going to have to come home – for now. Your father will make arrangements to have you taught from home, while we get your potions right. And hopefully you'll be able to come back next year. Alright?"

Lily raised her head. "I can still go to Hogwarts even if I leave for a while?"

He nodded. "The Headmistress will be more willing to work with you if she sees that you're willing to co-operate and be honest about how you're managing. Doing this will show her that you're mature enough to be honest about how you're doing, and willing to do what's right, even if you don't like it. Believe me, I had her as a teacher when I was a student, and that will go a long way with her."

Healer Malfoy winked, and Lily couldn't help her smile.

"Okay," she said. "Let's call my mum and dad, and let them know I'm going home."

He stood up and opened his arms for a hug. She went willingly.

"Remember, Lily, I'm going to be with you every step of the way. I'll always be there for you, no matter what."

Lily closed her eyes and smiled, leaning against his chest. As far as she was concerned, she was already home.

---

~&~ Epilogue ~&~

Lily stared out at the frozen lake, enjoying the way her breath huffed out in great smoky clouds in the icy chill of the Scottish winter air. The sun had just risen, weak and watery-looking, like it had just spilled itself over the horizon and was too lazy to clean itself up.

This was her favourite time of day, in her favourite place, during her favourite time of year. Looking out over the Black Lake, with Hogwarts behind her, as the sun rose and the day languidly began to shake itself awake, during the first week back after Christmas hols.

She smiled happily to herself, the smile of a girl with many secrets, all of them happy.

She glanced around, taking in the scenery; the open stretches of snowy land, dotted randomly with trees brave enough to have sprung up out in the open, unlike their brethren who stood clustered into a crowd that strove to be intimidating; though they failed with her.

Much to the chagrin of the adults in her life, she found that she absolutely adored the Forbidden Forest. It was lovely and dark, yet so much more open than any building could be. She loved being able to wander around outside without light. Healer Malfoy had taught her that spell to let her see in the dark, so she never even needed a Lumos.

She looked smiled at the trees. When she came down to the lake earlier, the night looked silvery and frosted, all the trees wrapped in a shroud of ice, like they'd been built out of plaster. The beauty of it all caused an ache deep inside her that almost made her weep.

She had an appreciation for the outdoors that only someone who has been held prisoner without so much as a glimpse outside can truly appreciate. The outdoors are taken too much for granted by those who have never been wholly deprived of them.

She turned back to the lake, then tipped her head back and enjoyed the weak, early morning sun on her face. Today was a good day.

There had been many bad days before she got to this point. Too many. In the course of her healing, she'd remembered many things. Too many.

Some things are better left buried and forgotten.

Her smile turned pained for a moment, as bitter memories of tear-filled nights and anguished days assaulted her, before she thrust the thoughts away and attempted to turn her mind back to simpler, happier things.

She moved back about a dozen steps and laid her cloak down at the base of her favourite willow. She sank to the ground, crossing her legs as she seated herself, and cast a warming charm on herself to replace the cloak. As she stared out at the lake, the memories of the pain she'd endured pressed in on her. She remembered thinking at one time that it felt like she was just one big tear inside.

"I must be till I am dead, only a cry," she recited softly.

Leaning back against the trunk of the willow, she watched the sun as it made its slow journey across the sky. Delphinia would be trying to drag her out of bed soon, and would likely be cheesed off at her for not being there. At least she knew by now not to be worried when Lily disappeared; that she was just out watching the sunrise by the lake.

It had taken a while for her to stop panicking every time she thought Lily was missing, after Lily had come back. Having the girl she'd chosen as her best friend pulled out of school two days into term and only being told that it was a medical problem had made her paranoid about Lily's health from then on out.

Lily remembered the shock of Delphinia owling her at home for the first time. She'd been so certain that she would be forgotten, having only known the dark-haired girl for two days, but Delphinia was stubborn as a mule, and she'd decided Lily would be her best friend, so that was that. They kept up regular correspondence, and it was a huge part of Lily's healing.

Lily had assumed that a rich pureblood girl like Delphinia would have no trouble making new friends and would be so popular and busy she wouldn't have time for Lily. But as the daughter of a single mother, Delphinia was something of an outcast in Slytherin. When Lily realised this, it made her open up to Delphinia at long last, and accept the friendship that was so freely offered. It had been one of the best decisions of her life.

She smiled up at the sky again, as, having learned to tell time by the sun, she realised he would be there soon. Even though she saw him every week, she never stopped looking forward to his visits. She was able to feel safe without him now, but his presence still gave her a feeling of security nothing else could quite match. She toyed with the little onyx pendant around her neck as she thought of him, and a tiny bubble of happiness welled up within her.

"What on earth could you be doing there, at this hour of the morning?" A voice cut into her reverie, and she grinned wickedly.

"Throwing a line out to sea, to see if I can catch a dream," she replied airily without bothering to turn around, giving a careless wave of her hand towards the lake. There was a snort of laughter behind her, the shuffling of feet, and a warm body plopped down beside her. She leaned her head on his shoulder.

"Hi."

Healer Malfoy gave her an amused smile. "Hi, yourself."

She closed her eyes, smiling happily as she felt the troubles that had been bothering her enough to wake her up before sunrise fade into the background.

"So, how have you been?"

"Alright." Lily wasn't quite ready to talk about her problems yet. She knew she could tell him anything, but she really wasn't sure how he would take her latest secret. He was the only one she was willing to share everything with, and it meant a lot to her that he never shared any of what he learned with anyone.

"How about you?" Her lips curved into a wicked smirk. "Are you ready to make an honest man out of my dad yet?"

He let out a bark of laughter. "You're pretty straightforward, Miss Potter."

"Well, why not?" she challenged. "You love each other, you've been dating and living together for four years, your kids get along great," here she flushed slightly, "and they all love both of you a lot. Even your ex-wives get along, and Astoria thinks dad's the greatest, while mum thinks you're the second coming of Merlin!"

Healer Malfoy chuckled. "You're right, and you know you're right." He paused. "I guess part of me is afraid that he'll say no. Part of me just wants to wait for him to ask me first, so that I don't have to worry about his answer."

Lily rolled her eyes. "You know that he feels the same way about you, right? You're not very good at showing how you feel, so sometimes he wonders, and gets scared. He shows how he feels all the time – all you have to do is look at him when you walk in the room. He lights up like a Lumos."

She smiled wistfully. "He looks at you like you're every single good thing he's ever wanted, and never thought he'd get. You should ask him. He'd be so happy, I bet he'd cry."

They shared a laugh over that mental image.

"Well, maybe not actually cry," she admitted. "But he'd get all choked up and emotional." She grinned wickedly. "I bet he'd drag you into your room and spend the whole day making sure you know just how very grateful he is."

Healer Malfoy let out a strangled laugh. "You sound much too worldly-wise for a fourth-year," he chided. "Really, I'm appalled, young lady!"

Lily giggled.

He shook his head. "You'll never lose the power to shock me. Just one of your many hidden talents."

Lily sighed dramatically. "Oh yes. I have many powers you lowly mortals cannot hope to achieve."

He snorted. "The supernatural ability to shock me?"

She nodded emphatically, and spoke in a low, conspiratorial tone. "Also? I can kill you with my brain."

Healer Malfoy burst out laughing. And she tipped her head back to watch him. Scorpius looked very much like him, she thought for what must have been the millionth time. But while Healer Malfoy felt like a father to her – not a replacement for her own father, whom she loved very much – but a second father, who filled a different gap in her life, one created by the trauma she had endured, Scorpius felt like...

She sighed, and ducked her head. The hurt welled up all over again, and she pressed a little closer to Healer Malfoy for comfort.

The first time she'd met Scorpius, she'd taken to him like a hippogriff to the sky. He was almost her age, but was also looked almost identical to his father. She'd felt at the time that it was like having a friend-sized Healer Malfoy at her disposal, and followed him around like a duckling whenever Healer Malfoy was busy. He'd been infinitely patient with and kind to her, and she had adored him from then on. She'd been very close to him – even closer than she was to Al or Jamie.

"What's wrong, Lily?"

She sighed.

"It's..." She bit her lip, feeling slightly ashamed. "It's Scorpius."

He turned his head, and she could feel him looking at her, but she kept her head down and didn't meet his gaze.

"What about Scorpius? Has he done something I should know about?" He sounded concerned.

"No... not like that." She paused. "He's just spending all this time with Rose."

"Ah. And you miss having him around?"

"Yeah..." Her voice trailed off.

"What is it?"

She flushed. "Rose likes him."

There was silence for a moment. "And that's a problem?"

She sat up and pulled away, drawing up her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around her legs. She laid her head down on her knees, facing away from him.

"What if they start dating?" she asked softly.

Healer Malfoy's voice was gentle, so understanding, with none of the disgust or disappointment she was afraid of. "Are you asking because you're worried Scorpius won't have time for you anymore, or are you asking because you like him, too?"

"I like him," Lily whispered hesitantly. "I like him so much it hurts." She sounded ashamed. "I know he's supposed to be like my brother, but I didn't know him at all until a few years ago, and I've never liked anybody else like that before! I mean, I love him. He's so much like you, and I love him for that; but he's also different in all these little ways, and I love him for those, too. And when I see him with Rose, I feel like I can't breathe! And I... I hate her." Lily voice was tiny as she trailed off.

"Well," Healer Malfoy paused. "I'm sorry that you're hurting so much. But I think..." He hesitated, as though trying to decide what to say. "I've recently talked with Scorpius," he continued slowly. "And he said... some interesting things." He paused again. "I think you should talk to Scorpius about how you feel. He might be more understanding than you think."

Lily shook her head, burying her face in her arms. "I can't."

Healer Malfoy smiled. "Remember that deal we made in Professor McGonagall's office when you were eleven?"

She nodded. "I talked to you about what was happening with me, and you told my dad you loved him."

"We were both really scared to do those things, weren't we?"

She nodded again.

"But it turned out that doing those things made everything better for both of us, didn't it?"

"Yeah." Her voice was muffled by her arms.

"So, I'll make you a new deal. You talk to Scorpius about how you feel, and I'll ask your dad to marry me."

She raised her head and glared at him. "That's not fair!"

He raised an eyebrow at her. "Do you trust me?"

She huffed. "You know that already."

"Then talk to Scorpius." He tipped his head to the side. "Have I ever steered you wrong?"

She gave him a tiny smile. "Well, there was that one time..."

"Once!" he protested, throwing his hands up in the air. "I'm wrong one time, and it haunts me forever!"

She laughed, ducking her head again. When she lifted it a moment later, there was a look on her face that Healer Malfoy liked to call the "Potter Look of Unstoppability".

"I'll do it." She glanced at Healer Malfoy, and nodded at him. "After lunch, we both have a free period. I'll drag him away from Rose and tell him, and I'll owl you tonight and tell you all about it."

Healer Malfoy smiled at her. "And I'll go look at rings today."

Lily smiled back. "Thanks, Healer Malfoy."

He shook his head. "One of these days you're going to have to call me Draco."

She shook her head emphatically.

He sighed. "Why not?"

He'd asked her many times before, but she'd always evaded the question, and he never pushed. But this time she blushed and averted her eyes. She spoke timidly. "Because... 'Draco' belongs to Dad and Scorpius, and Jamie and Al; and even Mum. But Healer Malfoy is all mine, and I don't have to share him with anyone else."

Healer Malfoy smiled. He put his arm around her and pulled her close, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. "I love you, kiddo."

She wrapped her arms around him and hugged back. "I love you, too, Healer Malfoy."

They sat in silence for a few minutes more, before Lily would have to go in for breakfast, and Healer Malfoy would have to leave. Silently, they parted and rose to go their respective ways.

"Have a good day, Lily. And good luck with Scorpius." He gave her one last parting smile.

"Thanks," she answered, looking rather frightened at the prospect. "Good luck with my dad, too." She tried to give him a parting smile, but it came out more like a grimace when combined with the worry in her eyes.

"It'll be alright, Lily," he told her.

She straightened up and nodded firmly, giving him a more solid smile. "I know it will," she said. "Because you said it. And I know you'll never hurt me." Her eyes glowed as she tipped her face up towards him. "After all, you turned off the light."

~&~ Fin ~&~

---

A/N: This was a huge challenge to write! Largely because of the sheer volume of research involved, and since my time was limited, I'm afraid I may have been more inaccurate in my portrayal of DID than I had wanted to be.

I used to have a roommate who had severe DID - he had 13 different personalities. Most of them were very lovable (especially five-year-old Ricky), some were strange (such as 30-year-old Linda), but one was extremely angry (25-year-old Dave), and I had to move out because he threatened to become violent (and Greg - the main personality - was three times my size!). But my experiences in dealing with him and attempting to help him in his struggle to recover gave me a deep and abiding interest in DID.

I struggle with severe ADHD, PTSD, severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and while I was originally diagnosed with Rapid-Cycling Bipolar Disorder in 2010, my psychiatrist and I are currently working together to see if I may have been misdiagnosed, and actually have BPD. (The two are frequently misdiagnosed; individuals with BPD get diagnosed with Bipolar, or individuals with Bipolar get diagnosed with BPD.)

Then, of course, there's my Epilepsy. That is somewhat terrifying, as you lose consciousness and have absolutely no control over your body or motor functions (wetting yourself on the middle of the kitchen floor at the age of 24 is a humiliating and frightening experience). There's also the fact that my mother had a cousin who died because she had a seizure in the shower; she fell down face first, her long hair clogged the shower drain, and she drowned. My first Tonic-Clonic (formerly Grand Mal) seizure was a week after her funeral.

I have many relatives and friends with varying forms of Anxiety, Depression, and ADD or ADHD. I have an uncle who has Psychotic Episodes, and my daughter has also had a seizure (We're waiting to see if it was an isolated incident or if she has my Epilepsy). Addictions are also something with which I have ample experience, both personal and through family and friends.

I meant this fic to give a little insight into what it's like to struggle with mental illness, to help build empathy in others who do not know what it is like. I hope I did not offend anyone with my portrayal of mental illness in this fic. That was NOT my intent.

A/N 2: With regards to the other fic that I mentioned at the start - I've started reading it, and it's completely different. It's very good, if you want to look it up. Other than the titles, the only similarity is that both stories have a main character with DID. But, like I said before, I coined the title nearly ten years ago for a book I was thinking about writing, a book for which I've never stopped researching.

I still plan on getting that book written someday - I want to be in a good place with my mental health problems first. It's going to be about the after-effects of an abusive childhood on an individual's mental health, using examples from my life and the lives of many other people I know. (With all names and identifying details changed, and their permission to use their stories.) It will talk in detail about the kind of mental health issues that are directly caused by abuse.

Yes, they generally require a genetic component to be able to come about - but those would likely remain dormant for a person's entire life without the trauma of abuse triggering them and resulting in a mental health disorder. I want to write a book that shows from real world examples, exactly how it affects people. I could give you a list pages long of people I know with almost every mental health problem under the sun between them all, and ALL of them were abused as children. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

So, to anyone who thinks I stole the title, or the idea (Because, apparently, only one writer is EVER allowed to write about a character with DID, and no other writer may ever write a different story where a completely different character has DID in a completely different storyline and during a completely different timeline) - I came up with that title long before that other writer even started writing fanfiction at all, and if I WAS so uncreative as to need to resort to skeeving off of someone else's work, I wouldn't be dumb enough to keep the title nearly the same!

Thank you. *breathes again*

Sorry, it's just that that title means a lot to me - the whole time I've been researching this book that I already consider to be my "life's work", that's been the title in my mind. So it really hurt to find out someone else was using almost the exact same title; and it hurt even more to have it insinuated that I was plagiarizing on top of that.

A/N 3: If anyone wants more information on the mental illnesses discussed in this fic, scroll to the bottom and copy the links. Just follow the instructions.

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HPFC Forum Contests and Challenges

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The Ten Day Competition

Hard Prompt: Write about a character from the next-gen era who is struggling with a long term disability, illness, or any other issue.

Fanfiction Terms Category Competition

Prompt Category: "Review" - Write about a character helping someone else.

Off The Block Competition

Prompt Category: "Backstroke - Easy Level" - Write about a next gen kid.

Relationship Bingo Board Challenge

Prompt Square: E1 - Next Gen or Founders Era Fic

Ten Times Ten Challenge

Colour Prompt: Black
Spell Prompt: Lumos
Potion Prompt: Dreamless Sleeping Draught
Creature Prompt: Dementor
Emotion Prompt: Distrust
Gemstone Prompt: Onyx
Institution Prompt: St. Mungo's
Magical Object Prompt: Wand
Non-Magical Object Prompt: Letter
Adjective Prompt: Broken

The Star Challenge

Prompt: "Adara" - Write about the Weasley family. Alternatively, write about Lily Evans, who has red hair.
(Note: Lily Luna is a Weasley on her mother's side, and has red hair, so I believe she qualifies. If I am wrong, I'm sure that I will be informed.)

The War of the Elemental Song Quotes (Challenge/Competition)

Prompt: "Water" - "Throwing a line out to see, to see if I can catch a dream." - Panic! at the Disco, "She Had the World"

Firefly/Serenity Quotes Challenge

Quote Prompt: "Also? I can kill you with my brain."

Poetry Quotes Boot Camp

Quote Prompt: #27 - "I must be till I am dead/Only a cry" - A Cry, Sara Teasdale

Book Quotes Boot Camp

Quote Prompt: #3 - "Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget." - New Moon

Movie Quote Boot Camp

Quote Prompt: #11 - "What we've got here is failure to communicate." - Cool Hand Luke, 1967

Anime/Manga Quotes Boot Camp

Quote Prompt: #22 - "There are things people just can't accept, even if they do understand them." - Arthrun Zala, Gundam Seed

Epic Vocal Rock (Les Friction) Challenge

Song Prompt: "Firewall" - Write about overcoming a challenge, OR write about family and love in the midst of war.

Hedley Song Challenge

Song Prompt: "One Life" - Write about someone with depression who overcomes it. Alternatively, write about the Founders Era.

The If You Dare Challenge

Prompts: #247 - Psychological AND #339 - Going to School
(Note: while only one prompt is meant to be used per fic, since I opted in at the Grey Level (500 prompts, 500 fics), since there are 1,000 prompts total, I decided to challenge myself further, and use 2 prompts per fic, to utilize all 1,000 prompts.)

I also used four prompts from a Challenge I did not enter

Before I Fall Competition/Challenge

Quote Prompts:

#6 - The night looks silvery and frosted, all the trees wrapped in a shroud of ice, like they've been built out of plaster.

#8 - "Liar."

#9 - Some things are better left buried and forgotten.

#18 - The sun has just risen, weak and watery-looking, like it has just spilled itself over the horizon and is too lazy to clean itself up.

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Links For More Information About Mental Illness

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Take out the spaces, and for the start of each link, before ":", only use the capitalized letter in the phrase.

(Hate Tears Terribly People) Do the same after the half-word, "pedia". (Orgasms aRe Great)

I know it's annoying, but if you put those letters together - even if you leave spaces in between them - FF censors them.

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DID (Resource links at bottom of the page) - Hate Tears Terribly People / / en. wi ki pedia. Orgasms aRe Great / wi ki / Dissociative_ identity_ disorder

BPD (Same) - Hate Tears Terribly People : / / en. wi ki pedia. Orgasms aRe Great / wi ki / Borderline_ personality_ disorder

PTSD (Same) - Hate Tears Terribly People : / / en. wi ki pedia. Orgasms aRe Great / wi ki / Posttraumatic_ stress_ disorder

Schizophrenia (Same) - Hate Tears Terribly People : / / en. wi ki pedia. Orgasms aRe Great / wi ki / Schizophrenia

Major Depressive Disorder (Same) - Hate Tears Terribly People : / / en. wi ki pedia. Orgasms aRe Great / wi ki / Major_ depressive_ disorder

Panic Disorder (Same) - Hate Tears Terribly People : / / en. wi ki pedia. Orgasms aRe Great / wi ki / Panic_ disorder

Epilepsy (Same) - Hate Tears Terribly People : / / en. wi ki pedia. Orgasms aRe Great / wi ki / Epilepsy

Bipolar Disorder (Same) - Hate Tears Terribly People : / / en. wi ki pedia. Orgasms aRe Great / wi ki / Bipolar_ disorder

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Same) - Hate Tears Terribly People : / / en. wi ki pedia. Orgasms aRe Great / wi ki / Generalized_ anxiety_ disorder

ADHD (Same) - Hate Tears Terribly People : / / en. wi ki pedia. Orgasms aRe Great / wi ki / ADHD

Addiction: (Same) - Hate Tears Terribly People wiki/Addiction

There are many other types of mental illness not listed here. I only listed the ones I've talked about in the fic or in my A/N's. You can do more extensive research on your own - Wikipedia is a good place to start. To get more info, either click the resource links at the bottom of Wikipedia articles, or simply Google the name of any disorder/condition you want to know more about, and you can find many resources. Be sure to check whether or not they're reliable before depending on them for information, however!