AN: I hope you guys enjoyed the first chapter, I'm sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes, I plan on having a beta for future chapters! I'll have the second chapter up next week. I'm gonna try and stick to weekly updates! Comment and let me know what you think. Also feel free to message me on tumblr. I'm shaikru over there as well :)
Ps: This is also posted on AO3
Clarke's life was planned out for so many years of her life. That is until her dad died the summer before her senior year. After he passed away, there wasn't anyone making the schedule, no one to run along side her before the sun came out, to hold the bar as she lifted weights. Her mom didn't push her to stick to the schedule, didn't yell at her when she quit tennis and track, didn't question her when she started taking more hours at the hospital for her internship. They both understood what it meant, and there wasn't going to a change in mind.
Abby had ended up taking less hours, so she could be home more with Clarke's 8 year old brother, Mikey. He had taken the loss of their father exceptionally hard, and it was completely understandable. Mikey was in the car with their dad when some idiot ran a red light and hit the driver side. Jake had been killed instantly, and Mikey made it out with only a few scrapes. A few scrapes and endless nightmares for the past few months.
And it was now two in the morning the Saturday before Clarke started her senior year and was woken up by Mikey screaming in the room down the hall from her. Clarke jumped up and ran to Mikey's side, pulling him out of bed like she did every night. He hadn't woken up yet, and Clarke took him to the bathroom and sat with him in the shower as lukewarm water fell over them. Mikey stopped shaking and squirming and finally woke up in tears. Clarke kept her eyes tight shut, keeping her own tears back. She knew she couldn't fall apart. Mikey needed her and she had to keep it together. Mikey turned around and wrapped himself around his older sister and cried into her shoulder.
Clarke stood up and wrapped a towel around Mikey and then one around herself and her now soaked night clothes. Clarke heard the door open and Abby stepped in with warm, dry clothes for Mikey. "Go change, I've got him." Abby said, taking her crying son in her arms. Clarke nodded and went to change out of her wet clothes and into dry ones. Once changed she walked downstairs to her moms room and saw Mikey cuddled up into Abby. Abby looked over at Clarke with tired eyes, and Clarke knew her mom probably had her own nightmares that night as well. Clarke sighed and went and laid on the bed, Mikey nestled in-between his mom and his older sister.
"When do you think the nightmares will stop?" Clarke asked, stroking the top of her brothers head while looking over at her mom.
"I don't know." Abby whispers softly, looking down at her son with sad eyes. "They should have stopped by now."
"We will take him to therapy more then." Clarke stated, already working out how to get him there, and getting to work on time. "I'll call tomorrow and set up appointments everyday." Clarke looked down at Mikey. "We will figure this out."
They all fell back asleep, and weren't woken again until Abby's alarm went off for her to get to work. Mikey barely stirred awake, which Clarke was glad for. *The boy barely gets enough sleep*, Clarke thought to herself.
Abby is up and in the bathroom getting ready, so Clarke goes into the kitchen to whip her mom up something quick to eat. Normally her dad would be doing this, making a big breakfast for everyone before joining her on her morning run. Now it was Clarke's job, and Mikey would ride his bike with her once he'd woken up when she went running.
Clarke had just finished making bacon and eggs when she heard the light, lazy footsteps of her brother enter the kitchen. "Good morning twerp." Clarke said, a small smile on her face.
"Good morning." He mumbled through a yawn. "What's cookin'?" he asked, stepping on his tiptoes to see what was on the plates on the counter behind Clarke.
"Eggs and bacon, the toast is already buttered and on the table. Get you and mom a plate please." Clarke finished putting the large batch of eggs onto a plate and put the food on the table as Mikey come up with plates and silverware for them to eat. Abby walked into the kitchen, and Clarke handed Abby her morning coffee. Abby smile gratefully at her daughter.
"Thank you, sweetie." Abby kissed her daughters temple before sitting down and putting food on her plate, whereas Mikey was already downing his breakfast. Clarke sat down and put some eggs and a strip of bacon on her plate and looked over at Mikey.
"So you ready for the bike ride this morning? Where did you wanna go?" She asked him, as he sipped on his orange juice.
"Can we go to the park? Dad always took me there on Saturday mornings before your tournaments." Mikey muttered, his eyes getting a little sad.
"Of course twerp. Thats about 8 miles, you up for that?" Knowing she'd probably have him on the handle bars on the way back cause he'll be too tired.
"You betcha!" He said scarfing down the rest of his food before going up to change.
"I can call out. If you want me to." Abby looked over at Clarke, worry in her expression.
"I've got this mom. Go to work, you need to. Your patients need you. We will stop by around lunch to go get food with you." Clarke said before taking a few bites of her food and going up to change. "I'll clean up before we leave." She called over her shoulder before walking out of the kitchen.
Clarke went up to her room on the second floor and changed into knee length leggings, a tank top with a sports bra, and her running shoes. Clarke left her room, as she was putting up her hair and went and knocked on Mikey's door, her mom had already yelled up her goodbyes as she was changing.
"Come in." She heard him call and she pushed the door open. Clarke saw him sitting on his bed, not changed into his clothes for the park.
"Hey buddy." Clarke went and sat next to him, and put an arm around her shoulder. "You okay?" She asked and he shook his head, as a tear fell down. Clarke pulled him tighter against her and kissed the top of his head. "Whats going on in your head, little man?"
"I miss him." Mikey barely got out before curling up into a ball into Clarke's side. Clarke closed her eyes, hardening herself so she could be strong for Mikey. *I can't cry, not with him already falling apart*, Clarke thought to herself.
"I know. I miss him too." Clarke rubbed his back and held in closer. "But you know, what?" Mikey lifted his head and blue eyes met blue.
"What?" He asked, wiping his tears way on his sleeve.
"You'll always have me and Mumma. No matter what. And dad will always be with you in our memories. So it helps to go do things you used to do with him, as a way to keep him in your life but still learning to live without him." Clarke said wiping away another tear that fell from his eyes. "You'll be okay again, I promise." Mikey looked in Clarke's eyes, trying to find any hint of a lie in her words. When he didn't, he nodded and got up and grabbed his clothes or the park.
"Well then, lets go to the park." He said, before going off to the bathroom to change and brush his teeth. Clarke took a moment to breathe after he left the room. But she wouldn't let herself cry, she wouldn't let herself break down. She didn't know if she'd ever get herself back together if she gave herself a chance to fall apart a little. She knew she couldn't afford to fall apart, Mikey and Abby needed her to be strong. So that's what she has been and will continue to be; strong.
The morning went by slowly, Clarke did her run slower than normal because Mikey was riding his bike slower. When they got to the park she pushed him on the swing for an hour and watched as he played with a few other kids. Clarke never talked to the parents, they always looked at her with this sad look like she might break any second. She couldn't stand it.
After an a few hours at the park, Clarke hopped on the bike, Mikey on the handle bars and they road back to the house and hopped in the car to go to the hospital around 11:30 in the morning. They parked outside, and walked in to their mothers office. They ate lunch quietly and Mikey ended up wanting to stay their with Abby until his therapy appointment at three. Neither Clarke or Abby argued with him, knowing the nurses loved hanging out with the little twerp. Clarke left and headed back home, only to find Raven and Octavia waiting on her front porch.
"Hey you." Octavia greeted her before pulling her in for a hug. Raven came up and hugged her next. "Whats the plan for the day?" she asked, but Clarke already knew what they wanted to do. Their bathing suits were popping out from collar of their shirts.
"We can swim in the lake." Clarke said, smiling as they jumped and ran into the house and out the back door to the lake that Clarke's neighborhood wrapped around. Clarke quickly ran up to change and joined them on the dock in her back yard, but quickly came to a halt when she looked across the lake at the Wood's house.
"What the hell?" Raven muttered, looking over at Clarke. "Did you know she was coming back?" Clarke shook her head, scanning the neighbors back yard for any sign of the girl.
"I didn't even know if she was alive." Clarke whispered her replied, Octavia quickly coming to her side.
"Well fuck her, dude. She bolted and left you without even saying goodbye." Octavia spat out and looked over at Clarke. "Come on Griffin, we can go somewhere else." but Clarke shook her head.
"No, it's okay. It's the last day we can swim in the lake before senior year. I'm fine." Clarke muttered with a small smile. With than Raven came behind her and pushed her into the water by surprise. When Clarke recovered and reached the surface she grabbed the laughing Latina girl by her ankle and pulled her in. Octavia jumped in quickly after, not wanting to be dragged in. The girls laughed and splashed each other, messing around before finally climbing back on the dock to lay out in the sun.
After a while Octavia turned and looked at Clarke. "Do you think she'll come to the block party?" Raven flipped onto her stomach and propped herself up on her elbows.
"If she does do I have permission to beat the shit out of her?" Raven asked, no hint of a joke in her voice. Clarke shook her head and didn't open her eyes.
"It doesn't matter if she goes or not. I probably won't." Clarke mumbled, knowing this would probably piss off her friends.
"Oh hell to the no." Octavia said, sitting up and looking down at Clarke, and Clarke opened her mouth to explain why but Octavia cut her off. "Nope, I don't want to hear any excuse as to why, Griffin. You are coming to the party, and I will go in there and tell your mom to make you. You need a night of fun, your life is one depressing hole. I get your dad died, Clarke. We know it has been really hard for you, but you need to stop taking care of everyone else and start taking care of yourself too. This is your senior year, honestly this is you last chance to act like a stupid kid." Octavia ranted at her, and Clarke knew she was right. She had been so busy taking care of her mom and Mikey, she hadn't even had time to take care of herself.
"Fine. I'll go." Clarke mumbled turning on her stomach and propping herself up on her elbows and looked over across the lake to the Wood's house. *Is it bad that part of me wants her to come*, Clarke asked herself.
"Good, cause the party starts at seven so we need to start getting ready and I'm borrowing your red dress." Raven said, popping up and running back up to the house. Clarke and Octavia laugh but follow behind her. Clarke pauses and looks back to the house across the lake. Her heart stopping when she sees the brunette girl come out of the guest house. Clarke quickly turns back to her house and catches up to her friends, pushing the thoughts of the brunette far from her mind.
They all took turns showering, watching Sailor Moon as they waited for the shower, and as they did their make up and hair. Abby and Mikey came home, and Abby made a quick dinner for everyone. Abby didn't question why the girls were getting all dolled up, she knew all about the block parties before senior year. She was glad to see Clarke going out and acting her age for once. Eight o'clock was fast approaching and Clarke went to her mom who had just put Mikey down to sleep for the night.
"If he gets a nightmare and I'm not home…" Clarke started but her mom cut her off.
"I'll handle it, Clarke. Go have fun." Abby said, a small smile on her face. "As much as I shouldn't be letting you go to this party, I know you need to have fun. So I'm trusting you. Do not drink and drive, if you need me to come get you please call. Absolutely no drugs, and don't get into any trouble." Abby said, giving her daughter a tight hug before pushing her out of the house. Clarke shook her head and met Octavia and Raven at the top of the driveway and they all walked to the end of the neighborhood. Theres a camp ground and on the water at the end of the block where the party was already in full swing, they had ended up arriving late anyways.
As they walked down the path to the campground Clarke was tackled to the ground by a tall guy. Clarke laughed and pushed the guy off her but as she was back on her feet there was another smaller guy pulling her back to the ground. Clarke shook her head as the too piled on top of her and looked down at her. "We've missed you Clarke!" They both said in unison and Clarke smiled but pushed them off of her.
"You guys are gonna ruin my outfit." She muttered, brushing the dirt off her jeans and butt. "But I've missed you guys too. Well for the most part." Clarke teased which earned a punch on the arm from Jasper. "Kidding!" Clarke laughed and they all walked over to the keg and Monty poured a drink for Clarke.
"Think you can take us in quarters? You are a little rusty." Monty joked, and Clarke rolled her eyes.
"You all know I could win no matter how rusty I am." Clarke stated, glaring at her friend.
"Oh hold up there, I hear a challenge!" Raven called out which made everyone at the party turn and look over at the group. "Okay guys, Clarke fucking Griffin is back for the last block party of our lives before we are high school graduates. So who here thinks they can rise to the occasion and kick her fucking ass in quarters?" Clarke shook her head and Raven's antics. *Why is she always so over the top*, Clarke laughed to herself.
However, Clarke's whole body went rigid when she saw the brunette step out of the crowd. "I will." She heard the voice she thought she'd never hear again. Raven looked back at Clarke and glared back at the brunette.
"How about you fuck off?" Raven replied, started to head towards the brunette, but Octavia and Monty held her back.
"You know what, she can go against me." Jasper called out, trying to even out the mood, and succeeded when the crowd cheered. "I become somewhat of a champ since you stopped coming, Clarke. So don't feel too bad if I kick your ass." Jasper winked and to Clarke with a smirk on his face, pulling her over his shoulder and to the table to play the drinking game. Clarke shook the brunette, and the almost definite fight that could've happened with her and Raven, from her mind again, and focused on her friend; and kicking his ass. Jasper put her down and she glared at him, with a playful smirk on his face.
"You wish, Jas. You know I taught you everything you know." She joked back with him, a small smirk playing on her lips. They set up the cups and each get a coin to flip into them, and the game begins. Clarke flips the coin first, and it lands in Jaspers cup with ease. "Maybe I'm not as rusty as you think." She winks at Jasper who is glaring at her before downing whatever was put into the cups.
"We shall see, Princess." He says before flipping his coin and it lands one of the cups in front of Clarke. Clarke rolled her eyes and downed the beverage before going and flipping the coin again. Clarke hit her mark for the next four cups and Jasper had as well. They were both on their final cups and Clarke was already feeling the alcohol, but she knew if she missed this Jasper would win, and she couldn't let that happen. As she was getting ready to flip the coin into Jaspers cup she saw the brunette in the distance behind Jasper and her body froze again. Jasper could tell something was up so her pulled Clarke's focus back.
"Getting cold feet there, Princess? Scared you're gonna lose? Has the student finally become the master?" Jasper cooed at her, egging her on. Clarke rolled her eyes, and focused back onto the cup in front of Jasper, once again shaking the brunette as far from her mind as she could. She flipped the coin and it hit the back of the cup before falling in and Clarke jumped up and screamed her victory.
"Drink up, Goggles." she laughed with a proud smile on her face. "The teacher is still the fucking master." Jasper shook his head but downed the drink and went over and gave Clarke a bear hug.
"I missed you, Griffin. I will gladly lose to you anytime." Clarke smiled and hugged him back before patting his back.
"There won't be a next time if you don't let me breathe." She got out before he let go. Octavia and Raven came over and took Clarke back to the main part of the party.
"I wanna dance." Octavia called and Clarke couldn't help but notice how suddenly Lincoln stopped standing by the keg talking to Finn and moved to the dance floor to get closer to Octavia. Clarke looked over at Finn who looked genuinely uncomfortable watching Raven dance with some other guy and ended up walking away. Clarke shook her head, thinking to herself, *those two need to work out their issues*.
Clarke dance with everyone at least once before she started to feel the alcohol hit her in an unpleasant way. It'd been a long time since she'd been to a party, and it was starting to overwhelm her a bit.
"I'm gonna go sit by the lake for a bit." Clarke told Octavia and Raven, who both gave her a questioning look. "I'll be back, I just need a moment." Clarke said, reassuring her friends. "I'm okay, really." They both nodded at her, and let her go. Clarke walked off and followed the path down to the lake, coming up on the beach off the camp ground. Clarke noticed all the canoes that were pulled up on the shore and knew a lot of the kids had just paddled their way over to the party.
Clarke went and sat on the sand, looking across the lake and sighed and wrapped her arms around her legs pulling them to her chest. Clarke was starting to get lost in her own thoughts when she heard a tree branch crack and she jumped up to see who was there, but she already knew who it was.
There she was, standing in front of her for the first time in three years. "Lexa…" Clarke breathed out, not knowing if she wanted to run and hug the girl, or go slap her for all the pain she caused.
"Clarke…" She said quietly, approaching her slowly. Lexa was standing directly in front of her now, and Clarke could barely breathe. Everything that had happened hitting her at once. All the emotions she learned to bury deep within her for years surfaced all at once. It hit Clarke like a truck and she couldn't get her breathing to slow down. "Clarke, breathe." Lexa said, worry in her voice and she reached out to touch Clarke but Clarke backed away from the girl, and tripped over and onto the ground.
"You… left… you just…" Clarke barely spit out, her breathing getting worse as she was starting to hyperventilate. Lexa was on the ground and pulled Clarke onto her lap and held her tight.
"I know, I know." She said, rubbing Clarke's back. "I need you to breathe, Clarke. Deep breaths. Feel my hand. Feel the sand in your feet, hear my voice, and count with me." Lexa said, her voice completely serious, no emotions in them. Lexa started to count and Clarke counted with her, in her head at first but then out loud. "Fifty. Good, your breathing is normal again." Lexa said, a small smile on her face. Clarke shook her head and pulled away from the girl and stood back on her feet.
"What the hell are you doing here, Lexa?" Clarke yelled at her, not having the energy to hold her anger back anymore. "You left, you left without even saying goodbye. Shit hit the fan and you what? Just decided whatever you could shoot up or snort was more important to you?" Clarke couldn't hold back the tears as her voice raised higher and higher but she didn't care anymore. "You left, Lexa. You left without a word and I thought you died. For over a year I checked everywhere. I asked around, I went looking for you wherever I could. No one knew where you were, no one knew if you were alive." Clarke's voice broke, and she started breathing heavy again, the panic attack coming back, tears falling down her face. "You could've been lying in a ditch somewhere, and I couldn't have known. I was there for you. I needed you, Lexa. My dad…" And Clarke lost it she fell to her knees again and was hyperventilating, sobbing into her legs as she was hunched over. Lexa pulled Clarke onto the canoe near them and pulled Clarke close to her as she let the blonde cry. Lexa paddled fast to get back to Clarke's dock outside her house. Whispering sorry's and forgive me's in her ear as she let the blonde cry into her neck.
Once they got to Clarke's dock, Lexa pulled Clarke up and carried her up to the house. Abby was outside pulling Clarke away from Lexa before they even got to the door. "Don't fucking touch her." Abby screamed and pulled Clarke into her arms and took her back inside and laid her on the couch in the living room. Abby went back outside and slapped Lexa hard across the face.
"Don't ever come near my daughter again. You've done enough damage. Go!" Abby screamed at her and Lexa turned and walked away, hot tears running down her cheeks as she paddled across the lake and back to her own dock.
Clarke felt her mom pulled her up to her room and kissed her forehead. "You're okay, Clarke. She's not gonna hurt you again, I promise." Abby whispered to her as Clarke drifted off into a nightmare filled sleep. That night Abby was waking up Clarke in the shower after a nightmare, and not Mikey. Abby swore to herself years ago she'd never let her daughter be as hurt as she was, and couldn't keep that promise when Jake died, but she would be damned if she let Lexa back and hurt her daughter again. It wasn't going to happen.