Hey everyone, thank you, in advance, for reading and I just want to say that I've read a million and ten different fics for the show's finale and decided I'd write my own – with a twist. Hopefully my writing will improve and I can stay motivated enough to actually finish a story – for once. As the summary warning tells you – this is NOT for Clexa shippers. Rated M for future content. Enjoy.
Clarke had absolutely no idea where she was going to go but all she knew was she couldn't return to Camp Jaha. So she walked. And walked. For what seemed like the longest time, all that occupied her days was the leaves crunching under her feet, the softness of the dirt under her boot, and the open forest where danger was alarmingly high. She knew the truce was long over the moment Lexa betrayed her and she wasn't angry about what the commander had done. If anything, Clarke now understands why she did – she did it for her people. Just like Clarke had did what she had done – for her people. She let a missile kill an entire village – for Bellamy – her people, and she pulled a lever that killed an almost entire population – for her people. How could she be angry at Lexa when she had so much blood on her hands?
Clarke came to a hill in the forest. The sun was an hour or so away from setting and she knew dark would fall soon. She stuck a stick in her boot – a stick she had sharpened on a rock to create a pointy edge that she used to stick through animals for food – and examined the hill. It was steep, very steep, but she eyed the trees and bushes that grew on the hill and created a pattern in her head. She walked just a little to the left of the hill and grabbed onto a tree where she pulled herself up. She twisted her body so it laid against the tree and she looked up the hill. She grabbed a branch from another tree and pulled herself up. She did this with every tree she saw until she was at the top of the hill. She sunk her hands into the ground and hoisted herself up until she could stand. When she saw what was below the hill, her heart sank and her chest tightened.
Trondc.
There was nothing left of the village other than wreckage and destruction. A hole the size of a crater was left in the middle of the village, like a mark. Ash from fire lined the village and there was nothing left – absolutely nothing. She closed her eyes but she was haunted from flashbacks of that day – people running, screaming, the large explosion that hit and left a scent of burning chemicals and flesh. Her body began to shake as she remembered the encounter between her and her mother. The moment her mother looked at her with more disappointment than she's ever seen before. She opened her eyes, wishing she could restore life back to the village but knew no such thing would happen. The remains of once a lively village now rests in pieces.
Did she intend on coming back to this place? This spot where the casualties of war had started? The spot where the first drop of blood appeared on her hands? She didn't know. She didn't have any true intentions of returning to this significant spot but maybe something inside of her told her to return. But why? Its not as though she hasn't felt what she already knows – hasn't experienced the terrible amount of pain that haunts her after every light. It's not as if she doesn't already know she's a killer so why would her contentious want to remind her of such?
"If you need forgiveness, I'll give that to you. You're forgiven."
She closed her eyes again and the corners of her mouth pulled into a sad smile. If only forgiveness was enough to ease the pain that has nested in the center of her stomach. If only forgiveness drove away the screams that echoed inside her mind and cleared the images of children whose faces were ate away from radiation. If only forgiveness was all that she needed to continue being the person she use to be. What complicates everything is.. she's not the person she use to be. She's worse.
When she opened her eyes, tears began to pool and fell over her eyelids. The more she examined the village, the more she thought about how everyone had died the more guilt she feels for not saving them. The more she thought about killing everyone in the village by not warning them what was about to happen to them, the more she thought about pulling the lever. All for her people. She did all of this for her people and what? She can't stand to look at their faces and leaves? The guilt. The judgment. Its too much for one human to possibly take and the weight of it all puts her on her knees. She can't keep holding in everything and the sobs becomes harder while the tears fall faster. Everything inside of her is screaming from torment and she can't make it stop. She puts her hands over her mouth and screams into her palms as she cries for each family member lost, each pint of blood spilled, each child that died inside Mount Weather, each soul that was taken by her decisions. She screams because she's a murderer. She's a killer. She's no different from the Grounders and she's no different from the Ark. Who the hell is she, then? She screams until her throat burns and she doesn't have air left. The action only temporarily eased the suffering. The moment she stopped was the moment everything crept its way back inside her. She ached down to her very bones.
She looked up at the destroyed village through her tear filled eyes and felt as if the wind was knocked out of her. Her eyes scanned over the destroyed village until they spotted the area her and Lexa escaped from. Its the moment she changed from being Clarke to Klark, from being someone who would rush straight into the village and warn everyone to run - to someone who slipped out the back without a word, from someone who risked everything to form a truce in order to help the people inside the mountain only to being betrayed which caused her to pull a lever, to a murderer. In all of these moments, she realizes, she wasn't alone.
As if something inside of her ignited after days of traveling alone in the forest, a thought stepped inside her mind that's too appealing to let go of. It eases her pain and gives her a sense of direction. It causes her to slowly stand back up on her feet and ball her fists. It gives her a sense of clarity.
She's going to kill Lexa.