We lay there kissing for what felt both like hours and seconds. I remembered thinking at my coronation how the world came alive when I looked at him - that was still true, but what I didn't realize at that time was how my body would come alive under his warm, soft hands.
I craved him, needing more of him. I pulled at his tie and threw it aside, praying I didn't hit one of the candles I had set up in our little sanctuary. It wasn't enough. I pulled his shirt up out of his pants and started at the buttons. It was slow going. I was alight with both excitement and nerves and my hands trembled as I worked at his shirt. Eventually, I felt his hand on mine, guiding and helping me with the last few.
As he slid his shirt off his shoulders, I couldn't look away. I had wondered, naturally, what this boy who tried to hide himself and be a shadow looked like underneath his plain clothing. I wasn't disappointed. He was slim, but not skinny or scrawny. His skin was soft and warm but under that surface I could see how strong he was. I sighed, and he realized I was staring. He looked down at me, both of us blushing, while a shy smile crept across his lips.
Wordlessly, he pulled me up so that we were both sitting up, facing each other. He reached to cup my cheek with his hand and I leaned into his touch, kissing his palm. His hand slid to the back of my neck, and as if he couldn't stand it for another second he pulled me to him, kissing me far more passionately than all of our sweet, gentle kisses we'd had so far. As Eikko kissed me, I dared to let my hands explore his body, running them along his bare back, chest and down his sides. As I let my fingers roam, he did the same with his mouth, I felt him at my cheek, my jaw, my ear and my neck. It was like my body was on fire. As he kissed my collarbone, I took in a sharp breath and felt my nails against the skin of his back. At that, he moaned against my neck and exclaimed something in Finnish. I really needed to learn that language.
He kissed me a few more times, sliding his hands from my waist to the back of my dress. He played with the buttons there for a moment before pulling away and looking at me, silently asking if this was okay. His blue eyes were so piercing and hopeful. Every time I looked into them, I fell for him a little bit more. I nodded to let him know that this was OK, I wanted this too. He moved behind me to access the back of my dress, and before anything, he wrapped his arms around my waist from behind and pressed his lips to my ear "I love you" he whispered and a shudder went through me. I had a lot of luxury in my life, but all of them paled in comparison to this. To love and be loved so absolutely, well, there was really nothing like it.
As was the usual style of the palace, my dress had about a million buttons down the back. I heard Eikko let out a breath clearly trying to figure it out. I giggled "Next time I'll have them put me in something with a zipper, hmm?" Even though I couldn't see him, I could feel his smile "Maybe, although…" I felt him undo the first button, kissing the little patch of skin it exposed "this is good too." He continued this for each button, undoing it then kissing the new patch of my back, practically all the way down my spine, each kiss sending an electric shock through me. It took forever. Towards the end I just wanted him to rip the damn dress off me, but my patient Eikko did this down to the last button. It was beautiful agony.
It took all of my remaining self control to slide it off slowly, placing it aside so that it wouldn't wrinkle, get dirty, or otherwise raise questions. I felt his eyes on me before I turned around. It was his turn to take me in. I was glad I had worn one of my prettiest slips, pale blue with a lace trim. It covered everything, but still, I had never been so bare around a boy before. Maybe it should have felt awkward, but here, in this safe room, with Eikko, I felt none of that. All I felt was love and security.
There was silence as we took each other in. I walked back over to where we was sitting and joined him on the blanket. Still looking at me, as if he were trying to freeze this moment with his eyes, I felt his hands reluctantly rest on my hips. His hands felt so much warmer now that the only thing separating them from me was the thin material of my slip. He leaned down and kissed me so softly. It was as if he thought I was made of glass, and one false move would cause everything to shatter. I kissed him back, deepening our kiss, trying to convey that this was all still OK, that I wanted this, that I wanted him.
Now it was his turn to let his hands wander. He gently ran his hands down my back, along my sides and even brushed the spot where the bottom of my slip touched my thigh. The way he touched me, it was as if I was rare treasure. I felt the adoration in each caress. I was nervous, there was no question about that, but I had never felt so alive. It felt like all my cells screamed his name before exploding in each spot his fingers touched. I was hungry for more of him.
I couldn't take it another second. I could tell he felt the same way. Our lips didn't really touch as much as they crashed into each other. Somehow, we went from kneeling, bodies pressed together, back to the floor. He hovered above me, and it seemed neither of us could get enough of the other.
I had always believed in the law. I never doubted I would wait until I was married - until this moment. I couldn't have my Eikko forever, but I could have him for this moment. And if I had to sacrifice love for my people, didn't I deserve this one night to just be with the man I loved? He was kissing me along the lacy neckline of my slip when I made my decision. Feeling bold and empowered, I reached down to his belt. I pulled him closer to me, trying to figure out how to undo it without being able to see it. As I did this he let out a deep groan and said my name in a deep voice against me.
Just like that I felt him move away to lie beside me, muttering in Finnish. My face burned with embarrassment. I didn't consider for a second that he wouldn't want me as much as I wanted him. Another selfish, stupid move Eadlyn, I thought. Will you never learn? And by the way, what happened to all your self control? I looked away from him at the wall, trying to regain my composure and figure out how I could face him.
He must have realized just then how ashamed I was. "Oh no, no Eadlyn" he whispered, cupping my cheek and gently turning my head to face him. In his eyes I could see that he did want me too, but unlike me, still had some restraint. "Trust me love, I will hate myself later for this.. but we shouldn't" he said gently. I looked into his eyes, and beneath the surface, I could see that he was holding back, but only to protect me. There was more behind this decision, some experience that wizened him.
"Tell me?" I asked gently. He raised his eyebrows in surprise and let out a breath I hadn't seen him holding in a huff. "How did you..." he started "Oh Eadlyn, are you sure you want to know about that?"
I nodded "Tell me," I confirmed "it will be a good distraction. And besides, I want to know about all things Eikko. Nothing will change how I feel" I surprised myself with that last part, but the moment the words left me, I knew they were true.
He sighed, lying on his back and starting at the ceiling "Back home, there was a girl named Lana," I instantly felt a wave of jealousy but did not let my face betray me, as he continued "we went to school together, and knew each other most of our lives. But honestly, it wasn't until we were teenagers that I really noticed her much. Eventually I asked her out and we were inseparable. When we finished school was about the time my mother gave me that ring you're wearing. It didn't occur to me until much later that Mom must have thought I might want to give it to Lana." He paused and looked over to me. I kept my face blank, wanting him to finish this story. This time, he didn't turn away.
"The truth is, I never thought about giving her that ring, and maybe that should have been a red flag, but we were so young I didn't think about it too much. There were a few times when we almost…" his voice trailed off for a moment "but we never did, mostly worried about, ah, unintended consequences." At this point he took my hand, rubbing his thumb against the back of my hand. "Anyway, about a year after school, I realized that I wasn't really in love with Lana. I cared about her, I was happy around her, and she was comfortable and safe. Being with her was easy. But in love? No. I imagine this is how you might feel about Kile." He stopped abruptly, and swallowed. I realized he probably didn't intend to voice that opinion. But nonetheless, he finished the story.
"So once I realized this, I knew it was unfair to her. I broke things off. Honestly, I was so happy that we never gave into our physical desires. It would have made it much harder to leave, and much more complicated. And as badly as I would love to be with you - for the right reasons - it would be wrong when I couldn't really have you. It would be too hard when… when I couldn't be here anymore." He sighed and looked back at the ceiling.
Even though I didn't like hearing about my Eikko with another girl, my affection towards him grew even more. "So you would refuse your queen?" I smiled, propping myself up on one elbow and placing my other hand on his chest. He rolled his eyes and smiled back "Afraid so, what will it be, hanging? Firing squad?" I held back a laugh and pretended to think it over. Finally, I answered "actually, coming from you, I kind of like the boldness." At this he laughed darkly, "You like boldness, hmm?" He took the hand I had resting on his chest and quickly rolled me to my back, holding my hand above my head. He took my other hand and held it against the floor above my head as well. He then leaned down and kissed me with fervor.
If anyone else had tried this, I might have been terrified. I didn't like feeling powerless, but I knew now that Eikko would never hurt me. He worked his was across my jaw and down my neck, all while keeping me pinned. It was about the time he reached the edge of my neckline again, that I murmured his name in pleasure. It seemed to break the spell. He gave me one more kiss then released my hands. With a frustrated sigh, he rolled back to my side, muttering even more Finnish, and rubbing his hands over his face.
After a few minutes of silence, I couldn't bear it any longer. "You're right, you know, about Kile." I put my hand on his cheek. This time I wanted him to see how I felt. "Thank you, Eikko," he always smiled when I used his name "I just have one more question." His expression became painted "Eadlyn, I don't really like talking about all that.."
I waved my hand at him "Not about that. Before, all that Finnish, what were you saying?" he bit his lip and turned bright red, his shy smile returned as he answered "That was a little bit of me cursing myself for stopping you, a little bit of me saying all the things I would like to do if you were mine. I would never translate it, far too humiliating," he grinned apologetically and shrugged.
I giggled at his admission and his embarrassment. I brushed some hair back from his forehead and pulled him to me. We laid there holding each other for awhile. "I'm going to pick him. For the reasons you mentioned. If I can't be with you, at least I could be happy and comfortable." I whispered. Eikko deserved to know this. "But we have a little time before that. Maybe we could meet like this a few more times before.." I couldn't continue. The thought of being without Eikko was took overwhelming.
Before I could think too much about it, his lips were on mine again, giving me sweet, soft kisses. Again, without knowing me for long, he knew exactly what I needed. So much time passed and we were just holding each other. I was trying to pour all of my love for him into each kiss, so he wouldn't never doubt how I felt about him.
I realized we had been down there longer than we should have been. Reluctantly, we got up and straightened ourselves out. We cleaned up the food and wineglasses and prepared to leave out little refuge. I kissed him one more time before leading him out through the passage. There were no windows in the safe room, and back upstairs I could tell it was nearly dawn. I crept to my room, praying I wouldn't run into anyone on patrol or doing morning chores.
I managed to make it to my room without seeing anyone. I changed into a nightgown, brushed my hair and teeth and washed the remaining makeup off my face. I climbed into bed and no sooner than a few minutes after my head hit the pillow, Eloise came into my room, opening the curtains with a bright "Good morning, your majesty!"