A/N: This used to be a mess. There were a lot of punctuation errors, and of misspellings there were not a few. Plus it was altogether without any kind of formatting, which I blame on the old not having the copy/paste option for uploading stories. It's much easier now to format. So, I present to you The (still ridiculously crazy) Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. New look, same great story!

Professor's House

LUCY: Let's play hide and seek.
PETER: Alright.
LUCY: Oh, cool, a wardrobe.
She goes inside.
LUCY: Groovy! A forest and a street light.

FAUN comes up

FAUN: Who are you?
LUCY: I'm Lucy. What are you?
FAUN: I'm a faun. What are you?
LUCY: A beardless dwarf, better known as Homo Sapien. In other words, you dumb ape, a girl.
FAUN: Oh, I get it! Cool! Will you come with me? We can have a tea party.
LUCY: Yeah. Why not?

Faun's House

LUCY: This picture looks like you.
FAUN: That's my dad. I'm not like him at all.
LUCY: Why not?
FAUN: Because I'm kidnapping you so the White Witch can have you.
LUCY: Oh. Why?
FAUN: Because she pays me good money.
LUCY: Thought you were my friend. I'm leaving.
FAUN: Wait! I decided I'll help you. Let's go.

Out of the wardrobe

LUCY: Hey, I'm back!
PETER: Huh?
LUCY: Come and see!
PETER: Don't see anything, except this old closet.
EDMUND: Don't be stupid, Lucy.

LUCY runs out crying

Nighttime

LUCY: Maybe I had a stupid dream.

She takes a candle and goes to the wardrobe

EDMUND: Lucy, you're stupid. Lucy, where are you?

He steps in wardrobe

EDMUND: Weird! A forest. I'm outta here.

He hears sleigh bells

WITCH: Stop!
EDMUND: Huh?
WITCH: I see you are a total idiot.
EDMUND: Huh?
WITCH: Come, sit on my sled. Do you want cocoa?
EDMUND: Why not?
WITCH: Say Your Majesty.
EDMUND: Why?
WITCH: Because if you don't I'll turn you to stone.
EDMUND: OK, Your Majesty.
WITCH: Want some Turkish Delight?
EDMUND: I don't care.
WITCH: I hope you enjoyed yourself. Come to my castle with your family, and I'll give you more.
EDMUND: OK, why not?
WITCH: Get out of the sled. Dwarf, drive on.
EDMUND: Bye!
LUCY: There you are. Did you have fun?
EDMUND: No. I was looking for you. Let's go.

Out of wardrobe again

LUCY: Wake up, everyone! I went back to Narnia.
PETER: Go back to sleep.
LUCY: No. Wake up.
SUSAN: Huh?
LUCY: Ask Edmund.
PETER: Well, Ed?
EDMUND: Shut up.

LUCY runs out crying

PETER: Let's tell on her.

The Professor's Room

PETER: Lucy's being weird.
PROFESSOR: What if she's telling the truth?
SUSAN: Never thought of that.
PETER: Yeah. Let's go.

Outside

PETER: Are you ready, Ed?
EDMUND: Why not?

PETER throws the ball, and it crashes through window

EDMUND: Your fault!
PETER: No, yours.
SUSAN: Macready is coming!
LUCY: Let's hide in the wardrobe.
PETER: Ok.

Wardrobe

PETER: We're in Narnia. Cool.
EDMUND: I'm gonna be sick. Let's go to the Witch's house.
SUSAN: Nah. Let's go with Lucy.
LUCY: Let's go see the faun.
PETER: Why not?

FAUN's house again

LUCY: His house is torn up. No use being here.
PETER: What now?
LUCY: Look, a talking beaver.
SUSAN: What if he's a bully?
PETER: Then he'll eat us.
EDMUND: We can kill him. He's bad. I know it.
FIRST-BEAVER: Here's your hanky, girl.
LUCY: Don't remember giving it to that faun.
FIRST-BEAVER: Let's go to my house.
PETER: Why not?

Beaver's house

FIRST-BEAVER: Let's eat.
PETER: Why?
FIRST-BEAVER: Fine. Starve to death.
SECOND-BEAVER: Here's your food.
FIRST-BEAVER: Let's go to Aslan.
PETER: Whatever.
SUSAN: But we're not heroes.
EDMUND: I'm outta here.

He leaves

SUSAN: Where's Ed?
FIRST-BEAVER: At the witch's house, dummy.
PETER: Fine. Let's get to Aslan.

At WITCH'S house EDMUND sees statues

EDMUND: They must not have said Your Majesty. Stubborn idiots.
WOLF: Come with me.
EDMUND: Whatever.
WOLF: Here's the witch.
WITCH: Why didn't you come with your family?
EDMUND: Didn't want to.
WITCH: Put him in the clink clink.
DWARF: This way for your num nums.

In dungeon

EDMUND: What are you?
FAUN: I'm a faun.
EDMUND: So?
FAUN: You look like your sister.
EDMUND: You look like an ape.

WITCH comes in.

WITCH: Where's Aslan?
EDMUND: At the Stone Table, I guess.
WITCH: You're lying.
EDMUND: Huh uh.
WITCH: Come on, Faun.

She takes the FAUN out.

Beaver's house again

FIRST-BEAVER: The wolves are coming. Let's go.
PETER: Whatever.
SECOND-BEAVER: Too bad I can't take the sewing machine.
FIRST-BEAVER: Tough luck.
SUSAN: Don't wanna go.
LUCY: Me neither.
FIRST-BEAVER: Fine, get made into supper or stones.
PETER: Whatever.

They leave. Wolves burst in

WOLF: They aren't here.
OTHER WOLF: Duh.

WITCH'S house again

WITCH: Get in the sled, boy.
EDMUND: Why?
WITCH: Cause you'll be turned to stone otherwise.
EDMUND: Whatever.

They drive off.

Outside

LUCY: The witch is coming.
FIRST-BEAVER: Hide then, dummy.

Bells heard

FIRST-BEAVER: Come on out. It's just Santa Claus.
LUCY: I don't believe in Santa Claus.
SECOND-BEAVER: Fine, you don't get any presents.
SANTA: Here's your presents. Pete, you get a sword. Su, you get a bow and horn. Lu, you get some medicine and a knife.
LUCY: I'm not sick.
SANTA: You might get sick. But fine, I'll take it back.
LUCY: Here.
SUSAN: I don't have arrows.
SANTA: Make some. I don't have time.
PETER: I wanna shield.
SANTA: Ungrateful wretches.

The WITCH'S sled

WITCH: The snow is melting.
DWARF: No duh. Aslan is here.
WITCH: Huh uh. It's just some freak accident.
EDMUND: They said Aslan is here.
WITCH: I'll turn you both to stone the next time one of you talks.
EDMUND (in head): Whatever.
They walk away.

ASLAN'S camp

PETER: Ooo, creeps. A lion.
FIRST-BEAVER: That's Aslan.
PETER: I wasn't psychologically prepared for this encounter.
SUSAN: Talk to him.
PETER: Aslan, our kid brother went to the witch.
ASLAN: I know.
PETER: Rescue him.
ASLAN: I don't have to.
OREIUS: Kill him, Aslan.
ASLAN: Shut up.
OREIUS: Fine.
ASLAN: Pete, you are all gonna be kings and queens if you help me.
PETER: Whatever.

Hears horn

PETER: What's that for?
ASLAN: A wolf is attacking her.
PETER: So?
ASLAN: Go kill the wolf.
PETER: Why not?

He kills wolf

PETER: Pest.

ASLAN'S camp again

ASLAN: Go get their kid brother.
OREIUS: Whatever.

They rescue EDMUND

ASLAN: Be nice.
EDMUND: Fine.
ASLAN: Say you're sorry, or you will be.
EDMUND: Sorry.
PETER: No you're not.
SUSAN: Get out of my face.
LUCY: Get some sleep. You look like a zombie.
OREIUS: A dwarf is coming.
ASLAN: Let the little mud man come.
DWARF: The witch wants to talk to you.
ASLAN: Fine.
WITCH: I want the traitor back.
ASLAN: He's not a traitor. He just made a few bad decisions.
WITCH: I have to have him, or Narnia will go kablooie.
ASLAN: Get out or I'll eat you.
WITCH: Whatever.

They leave the Stone Table

ASLAN: Pete, you have to fight by yourself.
PETER: You deserting?
ASLAN: For a little while.
PETER: Oh, fine.
SUSAN: Lucy, let's follow Aslan.
LUCY: Whatever.
SUSAN: They killed Aslan. Now I bet you wish you had kept the medicine.
LUCY: Huh uh.
SUSAN: Let's tell Pete and Ed.

They tell them

PETER: Charge!
SUSAN: The charge of the light brigade.
LUCY: Doomed to disaster. Too bad we girls can't fight. We'd whoop 'em.
SUSAN: Huh uh.
LUCY: Uh huh.
SUSAN: Aslan's back.
LUCY: Let's ride him.
SUSAN: Whatever.
ASLAN: Witch, I said I'd eat you.

He eats WITCH

ASLAN: Let's go crown you guys.
PETER: Whatever.

At Castle

ASLAN: I crown you kings and queens.
PETER: So?
ASLAN: Act your age.
EDMUND: Thought this was something special. Where's the beer?
SUSAN: Gross.
LUCY: I want to see the faun.
ASLAN: Forgot about him. He's still a statue. Too late. Too bad, so sad.
LUCY: I'm gonna cry.

She does

The Forest Again

LUCY: See the streetlight?
EDMUND: Uh huh. So?
PETER: Thick skull. We get to get out of the wardrobe finally.
SUSAN: Yes!

Proffesor's Room Again

PETER: Sorry, but we lost your coats.
PROFESSOR: So?
SUSAN: You believe us?
PROFESSOR: Duh.

THE END

A/N: Yes, I know, it totally sounds like something a sixteen year old would write. Maybe because that's about how old I was at the time :) I didn't want to delete it because … I'm a pack rat? Or maybe because I think parts of it are actually pretty funny. Whatever it is, I hope everyone who reads this enjoys it. And go check out some of my newer stuff; it's a lot better! I happen to think that 'The Rescue of King Gale' uses better humor, so maybe you could look at that! Thanks for reading :)