Hello and welcome to this updated fic! If you started reading this story between when I first published it (April 2015) and now (April 2017) you may have noticed that it's not the same story it was.
If you're reading this after April 2017, none of this matters to you and you can probably skip to the introduction. For those of you who did read the original version of the first two parts (prologue and chapter one), I offer my three main reasons for rewriting.
First, I recently played the game for the third time and Trespasser for the first time. Part of why I never finished uploading the rest of the fic was because Trespasser negated everything I had done. I always wanted to upload the rest, but what was the point if it wasn't canon anymore? I realized I could just rewrite it if I ever wanted to, but I didn't want to until recently.
Second, I've become a much better writer. Who knew that taking creative writing classes would help me be a better writer? Remember, fellow word nerds, just because you think you're good at something doesn't mean you won't benefit from more instruction.
Third, I realized that I had made this too specifically about my inquisitor. I wanted it to be a bit more relatable, something that more Lavellans than just mine could fit into.
Alright, I've done my explaining. I'm sorry to make you read things.
Introduction:
This takes place after Trespasser. Inquisitor Lavellan disbanded the Inquisition, recognizing that her mission was complete and that keeping it around would only lead to corruption, just like Solas said. Ah, Solas. Fen'Harel. Dread Wolf. Vhenan. She never stopped looking for him after the defeat of Corypheus. She spent those two long years learning, meditating, searching the Emerald Graves, the Arbor Wilds, hoping for a clue, some sort of since which seemed like it would never come. After the Exalted Council, she refused to move on as he wanted, refused to believe that he was lost. If what he said was true, that what they had was real, she could not stop looking for him. She may not be able to convince him to change his plans, but she would not let him face the end of the world alone.
Lavellan, no longer Inquisitor, began to spend less and less time at Skyhold and more and more time wandering. What once felt like a family began to disperse, to pursue their own lives. It seemed impossible at first, that the Inquisition could ever separate, but after some time only Lavellan, Leliana, and a few scouts were left to search for Fen'Harel and his agents. They followed every lead, but the Dread Wolf was not to be found. We begin our story one year after the disbanding of the Inquisition.
This fic is from Solas's point of view. This prologue is written in a private journal style. Subsequent chapters are narrative style. Also, this is going to be angsty. It's Solas fanfiction. If you didn't come for angst, what did you even come for amirite?
Notes:
Justinian is the month of June in Thedas. wiki/Calendar
I use some simple elvish words in this fic. Any phrases used will be numbered and translated at the end of each chapter. Anything I don't provide a translation for can be found here: wiki/Elven_language
A Wolf's Regrets
Prologue
3rd Justinian, 9:45 Dragon
I awoke before dawn this morning in a cold sweat, unable to remember my journey in the fade. It's not unusual for dreams to slip away, but I am sure that this was more than a dream.
It may be this place. I never wanted to return to Arlathan, at least not yet. Every day the desire to leave grows, but every day I remind myself that what happened to this place was my fault. I will suffer the discomfort that reminder brings until I can restore the world I once knew.
4th Justinian, 9:45 Dragon
Sleep was difficult to come by again last night. I was cursed with visions of the eyes which still fill me with longing and loathing. I'm sure I felt lips brush against mine, but when they pulled away, I was unable to pursue. I heard a soft, far whimper and woke to realize the noise came from my own throat.
I haven't felt this close to her in a year, though Maker knows I have watched her. I know how she follows me, how she still believes. My spies cross paths with hers. I wanted to avoid having to commit it to paper. It seemed so foolish to care. I know my priorities.
Yet, I cannot bring myself to truly let her go. Last night's dream is simply more evidence to support what I already knew. I will carry her memory into the next life.
5th Justinian, 9:45 Dragon
I thought the last three restless nights were torment. They were nothing.
One of my agents sent a message from Skyhold. Lavellan was found the night before last in Tevinter. My agent says that accounts are conflicting. Most say she was found dead, some that she was found unconscious, and some that she is under an enchantment. "The spymaster seems to think it's the last," the message said. If Leliana is correct, there is still hope.
I know I cannot let this distract me, yet every time I close my eyes I see hers.
6th Justinian, 9:45 Dragon
I slept last night, but did not dream. My stomach groans but I cannot bring myself to eat.
I awoke to a message from Leliana, of all people, via one of my own ravens. Another came shortly after, and a third this afternoon. She must have given copies to all of her spies to ensure one may get to me.
It is true, then. She is gone. I should not cling to hope, but accept her passing. Why, then, can't I get those eyes out of my mind.
The full message is as follows:
Solas,
I am sure your spies have already given you the news of the Inquisitor's death. I write merely to confirm it. You betrayed her, you betrayed us all, but we never stopped looking for you. I confess I wanted nothing but your head on a spike, but I never said as much to Lavellan. She wanted to see you redeemed. This is your fault, Solas.
Dorian returns to Skyhold with her body. I will examine it and find out who did this. I pray to Andraste that it was not you, but if it was, you will not live to see All Soul's Day.
I'm sure I needn't tell you that you are not welcome here. I will anyway. You are not welcome here.
None of the notes have been signed, but Leliana's hand is unmistakable.
I will have to mourn her in solitude.
7th Justinian, 9:45 Dragon
More troubled sleep last night.
She would still be alive if I had stayed. I never expected to see her face-to-face again, but knowing that she was alive has always been enough. I confess that I feel some level of guilt. After all, I could have, no, should have encouraged her to move on. I should have lied, shouldn't have allowed myself that one last kiss. It was pride that did it. I wanted her to follow me. I wanted her there, always one step behind me, right on my heels. I knew she was putting herself at risk, but I wanted to imagine that one day I might slip and that we might have another moment before the end.
My pride, my cruelty, led ma'arlath to her death. Perhaps I shall see her in another life, but I suspect not. If there is a life after this, I shall surely spend mine in endless agony.
May I walk the fade tonight, and find some closure there.
8th Justinian, 9:45 Dragon
It is not closure I have found, but hope. Her spirit is trapped, her body dying, but I may know how to save her.
They were only brief flashes of insight, pieces to a puzzle that I must race to solve, but I believe I understand what I saw.
I saw her wandering a vast nothingness, cold and starving. I saw the nightmare cackling, watching from above, perched on its web. I heard familiar voices whispering, felt the cool breath on my cheek.
Most of the words were nonsense, but I believe I understand. Unfortunately, this means I must disregard Leliana's threat and return to Skyhold.