Harry Potter 7: How It Should Have Ended
Summary: The Giant Squid was done. Ever since Dumbledore's death, the environmental policies had gone down the drain in Hogwarts, and she was still ticked about the Triwizard Lake Race, or whatever it was. And now, they were having this ginormous battle while she was trying to have some beauty rest to get her stress levels down? Oh, these wizards were going daown.
AUTHOR'S PREAMBLE/RANT THING:
DAMMIT. I HAVE TRIED TO PUBLISH THIS FOR THREE. DAYS.
THREE. EFFING. DAYS.
AND IT STILL WON'T WORK.
#$%&.
Day Count for how long it takes to publish this: ||||\||||
YIEEESSSSSSS! IT FINALLY WORKED! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO! ! After NINE. FREAKING. DAYS. it's finally letting me post this! Alright people, high-fives all around, let's go, oh yes! HUGS TOO. CAUSE HUGS ARE AMAZING. Anyway, I will stop now because I need to post this before I burst. Love you all!
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Hi everyone! I'm back, and sooner than I thought I would be, too. And guess what? THIS ISN'T A NARUTO FIC EITHER! I am such a failure. But you know what, too bad, cause my friends are epically inspiring, and they are making me become the HISHE girl, or something. Anyway. Neville and Luna are awesome, and so is TGS. Just Sayin'. AND. AND. AND. THIS FIC TAKES PLACE IN THE SEVENTH BOOK, JUST AS VOLDEMORT IS ABOUT TO SET THE SORTING HAT ON FIRE. THUS, EVERYTHING IN THIS FIC SHOULD TECHNICALLY BE POSSIBLE. (technically... yeahhhh...)
(To all the people waiting for my Naru fic (cough, TIP, cough): It's coming, I swear! And it's going to be epiccccc! (TIP: It's what we had originally planned, but with different pairings, namely the ones I am obsessed over.))
DISCLAIMER: LOL. I live in America people. Plus, there is NO WAY I could have thought up the amazingness that is HP. And I don't own walmartwatch either, even though WALMART IS EEEEVILLLLLL! (Gah, oh well, ignore my crazy please.) And Google Translate? Forget about it. Who knows that many languages anyway? (IF YOU DO, SAY IT IN A REVIEW AND I WILL... SEND YOU... crackers? ummm... yeah, I got nothing. Unless you want virtual cookies, in which case, you will receive exactly 508,392,219,876,004,232,713,243,544,887,604,938,677,811,111,111,112,345,232,989,898,907.38 virtual cookies. That's a lot of cookies, people. Be happy.) And I didn't make up the original wedding vows. Really, people, how old do you think I am?
END AUTHOR'S NOTE.
The Giant Squid was sulking. She was seriously, SERIOUSLY ticked off. The humans were bugging the heck out of her ever since Dumbledore's death, and she was about to go psycho-crazy on all of them. They didn't even know what GENDER she was. And then, they had the NERVE to POLLUTE her LAKE with sewer lines, and Triwizard Tournament freaks, (although she had given permission for them to do that - she just didn't realize how annoying the idiotic contestants would be,) and ugh. What the heck. And now, this Voldy-doldy-moldy-oldy-whatever was going to destroy the castle and kill a whole butt-load of people, and where would he dump the debris? That's right, IN THE LAKE. That was it. That was it. The Giant Squid was done.
She got up from her nest and started to float to the surface, a P.O.'d look plastered across her face.
One long, mottled purple tentacle lifted out of the water and casually swatted away a few Death Knitters. She reached out and curled it around Volleymore-Valleygirl-Voldymare-You-Know-Who and dragged him into the water. He seemed to be saying something.
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" A flash of green light shot out of the annoying twig he was holding, but it missed. A few yards about, some poor carp floated belly up in the lake.
The Giant Squid snorted.
Why are humans so dumb? she wondered. Volmory-Valery-Velmort's pathetic struggling made her chuckle. He eventually stopped moving and she tossed him out - did they really think that she was going to let some other piece of trash float in her lake? Seriously - dead things smell. Not cool.
She then grabbed Hairy-Larry-Gary, (Human names are SO. WEIRD. The Giant Squid's name was TGS,) and threw him out of the way. She was still ticked that he had stayed in her lake for more than the hour allotted to him during that Tournament thing. He landed somewhere in the Forbidden Forest. Bah, he probably wasn't dead - only a few flesh wounds and maybe a broken bone or five. Aw, look, his little buddies were running after him! Run and Her-money, was it? TGS figured she might as well help them on their way - give them a ride, maybe. Whoops! That must've hurt. The poor, poor things. (Sarcasm was TGS's favorite language.)
The Giant Squid was having fun.
Oh, hey, it was the Never boy and Lowna. (Neevl boy and Loonu? Humans needed new names.) TGS happened to like those humans, thank you very much. They took trash out of the lake when they saw it, instead of using it as an excuse to put more in. Plus, every once in a while, they fed her rolls that they snitched from dinner. And now, these Death Knitters were attacking them? She was furious.
She swatted the Death Knitters into the Forest with two of her tentacles, and wrapped a third protectively around her two favorite wizards. Some dumb snake tried to bite her. Tch, irritating little worm. She flicked it away imperiously, and it slammed into a tree, which snapped in two. Despite the fact that its spine should have broken, the snake got up again.
How annoying. TGS sighed. She grabbed the hat that was lying on the ground and shook it vigorously until the shiny-red-and-silver sword came out. TGS liked shiny. After admiring it for a few seconds more, she stabbed that irritating lizard to prevent it from biting her again. It died this time, thank goodness.
Oh dear. That Bellyfix (Bollutrix?) lady was being troublesome again. She had found Vul-de-snort's body and was dragging it toward the lake, screaming something about vengeance and resurrection and such. What a pest. She had such an obnoxiously loud and piercing voice, too.
Sigh. Do I have to do everything around here? TGS rolled her eyes. The sword flashed, and Vow-de-fork was dead, for real this time, no resurrection possible, do not pass go, bucket forever kicked over, the end. Balloon-mix was still screeching, though, so TGS flung the pesky human out somewhere past Hogsmeade. That was going to hurt in the morning.
Ooooh, looky here, it was the twig of doom that Wonder-wart was flailing around earlier. Interesting...
With a wave of her tentacle, there suddenly appeared...
...a pile of gunk. In the middle of the Great Hall.
Take that, you slime balls. All the crap that the wizards had ever dumped in her home was now smack-dab in the center of their eating-place-of-strange-rituals. Ha.
The Giant Squid sank back into the lake, taking the stick with her. On her way down, however, the stick snapped on a rock. How unfortunate. Thus, The Giant Squid was the last possessor of the Elder Wand, the Death Stick, the Wand of Invincibility... and all that crap.
TGS cared. So. Much.
(cough.)
...this-awkward-silence-indicates-a-linebreak...
Life went on.
The Giant Squid became the Glorious Ultimate Ruler of the Universe for a day and a half, as the entire world worshiped her for defeating Waldemart. However, two things occurred: One, the people realized that TGS "can no spork Eenglash gooder," to use her own words. (Of course, she was using Google Translate when she tried to say this... it came out rather garbled anyway, because The Giant Squid had never used her practically nonexistent vocal chords before this.) And two, TGS decided that being the GURU (A/N: It was originally URU... I couldn't help it!) was totally overrated, so she bequeathed the title to Luna Lovegood, (who's name she finally learned,) and retired.
Hermione became the Minister of Magic.
Fred lived, because that is what fanfiction is for.
Rose and Scorpius get married, because there wasn't any Dramione in the books, therefore there has to be some sort of forbidden romance in the next generation.
The Sorting Hat eventually teamed up with Peeves, and together, they tormented the school: Peeves would drop the hat on some unsuspecting student's head, and the Hat would promptly scream out whatever the poor kid was thinking.
Years, many, many, years passed in happiness and sadness, in good times and bad times, in sickness and in health, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, to love and to cherish until death... do... it... part...?
Yeah.
Or not.
Anyway, it was a long time.
The Great Hall still smells funny.
AUTHOR'S NOTE #2:
Well. That was an awkward story. Comments & Criticisms are both welcome. OH. AND. THANK YOU SO, SO, MUCH: MICHELLE THE SIXTEEN YEAR OLD; RACHEL, WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE IN SLYTHERIN; LILLIAN, WHO IS AN SINGER SO AMAZING IT GOES BEYOND WORDS (NO. EXAGGERATION. kthnxbai.); BAILEY, WHO HAS AN INFINITE AMOUNT OF NICKNAMES, AN IPOD FULL OF AWESOME MUSIC, AND A HEAD WITH SANITY INSIDE IT SOMEWHERE (unlike the rest of us...); AND LALITHA WITH WHOM I WILL FANGIRL TO THE END OF TIME.
And thanks to Noah, too, cause he actually liked this. (I'm amazed too. My brother actual likes something that I wrote. Wow...)
AND THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO REVIEWED MY OTHER STORY BECAUSE YOU ROCK MY WORLD. *heart*
Also wik: I'm thinking of changing my user name to Oblivious . One (without spaces) because I am oblivious and this user name is far, FAR too hard to abbreviate. (where as the one I'm contemplating using would be abbreviated O.O) Yes? No? Maybe?
Also also wik: If you know where also wik/also also wik is from-I send you a virtual moose. And a virtual llama. And a virtual swallow carrying a virtual coconut.
OK, I'm going to shut up now. BYE.