Author mini rant: I was on a writing kick this week, and what came out was angst. ALL OF THE ANGST. I blame ME3. After Bioware was serious about the "So we hear you want Jokermance? SO WE'RE PUTTING HIM WITH EDI!" thing, my main Shep ended up with Kaidan. It just seemed to flow nice storyline and headcanon wise, not to mention it made me squeal like a middle school fangirl (I blame the fact I played the game for like three days straight. Yay Spring Break). I totally mean to write a legit Jokermance follow up to 'Someone That You're With', but I've had this idea stewing in my head ever since finishing the game, as well as five other things I plan on typing up and posting on here. And I'll throw a shout out to my friend and next dorm neighbor Chelsea for being the person who reads all of the things I come up with. Sorry I made you sad with these XD
Disclaimer: I do not own the Mass Effect series. If I did, then you could guess my changes.
For the first week, they wouldn't let her have visitors. The second they allowed her mother and Kaidan to see her, and that was really only because of Hackett's doing. The third week was when they finally allowed her crew to see her, even if she still wasn't awake due to the medically induced coma.
By then, he had heard the news from Tiptree. About his father and sister. The colony was apparently hit before the Cerberus problem on the Citadel, probably when Shepard was taking out a mini Reaper with the source of what PTSD from Akuze she did suffer, saving the Krogan and losing a good friend in the process. Before they left the Citadel for Rannoch, the same week where he broke Shepard's heart and she and Kaidan started to have something, a Spectre had approved for the Asari who survived Tiptree to have a gun. She took her own life the same day.
The gun had come with a note. It had apparently read "I'll help you where you couldn't help them. From, a friend of the family."
After finding that out, it was obvious who did it.
Shepard was one of the unlucky few to get an actual room at the hospital to themselves. The majority of the injured in the area were set up in tents or four to a room. Three weeks after the Reapers were destroyed, and there were still wounded waiting in the halls to get properly checked out. He felt lucky compared to some of the soldiers sitting in the halls, but guilty at the same time. He didn't really get any injuries like they did, being behind the helm of the Normandy and all, but they were down there in ground zero.
It was the first time since he saw her since the vid feeds cut out. There was no nice way to put it: She looked like hell. An arm and leg were both in casts, her face bandaged and bruised, hair singed and uneven, and was hooked up to so many monitors it was reminiscent of the bridge. That was just what he could see.
He wasn't alone in the room however. He noticed Kaidan passed out at her bedside, also looking worse for wear, but not to the same level as Shepard. One of his hands was interlaced with her non-broken one. He sighed 'Poor, lovesick bastard'.
He had barely touched the other man's shoulder when he jolted awake. "What? What's wrong?"
"Calm down man, it's just me."
Kaidan's panic seemed to settle. "Oh. What are you doing here Joker?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"Good point."
He watched as the biotic took a seemingly shaky breath and run his free hand through his hair. "How long have you been here?" Joker asked.
"Honestly, I haven't left the hospital since they allowed me and her mother to visit. Hannah and I usually take shifts watching over her, but she was called out on a recovery mission out around Australia the other day."
Joker put a hand on his shoulder "Kaidan, go take some time to take care of yourself. I've got her."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"I made a promise to be there when this was all over and-" His voice seemed to hitch "I have to be the one to tell her."
A lump formed in the pilot's throat "Tell her what?"
"We were... She..." He knew it couldn't be good. Kaidan was never one to be at loss for words. "I would've been a dad."
The only sounds in the room were the beeping of equipment and the commotion outside.
"Kaidan, I'm sorry."
The other man was obviously trying his hardest not to break down "We weren't going to say anything until after the fight in case… This happened. Just, please, don't tell anyone else."
Between the three of them, they had lost too much family to the war. His dad and Hilary, Sandra's brother Jason was listed as MIA after the Reapers took out Arcturus Station, Kaidan lost his dad, and the two of them had lost a child they would never know. Too much sacrifice. "You have my word."
"Thank you." Kaidan replied. He scoffed "Hell, I don't even think I'll be able to tell her."
"Kaidan, please," Joker pleaded "She wouldn't want you putting yourself through hell like this". When he didn't respond, he added "Just a half hour to clean yourself up and get something to eat. That's all I'm asking. If not for me, then for her."
The older man sighed in defeat and got up from him chair to kiss the broken woman's forehead. "I'll be back soon. I love you."
"Don't worry, I'll get you if something happens." Joker said. Kaidan just simply nodded .
As Kaidan walked out the door, Joker couldn't help but feel a pang of envy, of jealousy. It was only a few months ago when he unknowingly held Commander Shepard's affections in his hands, but ended up crushing those with his ignorance. The only thing that came out of it was that she became more broken down than she already was, but Kaidan became the one to break that fall. His feelings for his friend had become jumbled with her confession and outburst after his rejection, not knowing how strong she really felt about him.
Not that they really mattered anymore with her and the other Spectre finally giving into the tension between them. He was happy for her though. Kaidan was a better man for her than he. At least he knew what his feelings for Shepard were all along, even if it took them three years, her dying, Horizon, him getting nearly killed on Mars and holding each other at gunpoint to finally stop dancing around each other.
The pilot took over the empty chair and tried to go over in his head what to say to her. He didn't know if she could hear what he was saying, or if he had free reign and could just sit there and read her comic books and she wouldn't even know. He smiled sadly to himself, thinking that even if she were able to hear him in that scenario, she probably wouldn't mind. 'You were always as big of a nerd as I was' he thought, thinking of how they would spend their off days and long transit hours watching old Earth vids like Firefly and Star Wars.
"Hey Sandy. Sorry I've been quiet." He began "I know what I came here to say, but I was caught up in memories of how we used to be. Back in the days before the Reapers totally fucked up everything and when it was totally okay to have a drinking game centered around scanning planets. They went and screwed that up too didn't they?" He looked up to the bandaged face of his commander, hoping for some response. Nothing. He sighed and ran a hand over his face. "God, what happened to us? Oh yeah, right.
"Yes, I realized how stupid that was and I did want to say something but…" He looked towards the door in case anyone came in. "What you and Kaidan have is something I could never give you. I couldn't be the one to have pulled you out of that rubble in the blast zone. I couldn't be the one to sit here at your bedside for days waiting for you to wake up. I guess what I'm trying to say here is yeah, I care about you. I care about you more than I can even fathom right now and it took me too damn long to figure that out, but I'm not good enough for you."
That wasn't what he came to the hospital to say at all. He wasn't completely sure why it even slipped out. "Look, that's not why I'm here, and I guess you'll strangle me as soon as you wake up if you are really hearing all of this, but I'll cut to the chase.
"I found out about my dad and sister. About the Reapers attacking, about the asari huntress who took Hilary with her away during the attack. Later that same asari having to kill her so they wouldn't be heard. She was apparently at that hospital on the Citadel suffering from PTSD and kept asking her councilor for a gun. Somehow she got her hands on one and ended up blowing her brains out. Funny thing about that actually; She was allowed to have the gun by the authority of a Spectre."
He didn't mean to sound mad. He really didn't know how to feel about it. He just sighed and added "I guess that's why you came up to the bridge that night like you did."