Curb Your Enthusiasm (A Reluctant Love Story)
Rating: T (occasional outbursts of scandalous language, some sexual themes)
Warning(s): None
Spoilers: Nothing specific; set between Golem's Eye and Ptolemy's Gate
Disclaimer: Characters and general universe are the property of Jonathan Stroud, although I've taken liberties with my interpretation of Rebecca Piper. I also owe my initial inspiration for a diary-style story from She's A Star, particularly her very amusing Lamentations of a Starry-Eyed Twit.
Pre-Chapter Notes: I actually had this idea years ago, but took a prolonged break from fandom before I ever got around to writing it. Now I fully intend to have fun with this. I get the sense that it's going to be primarily ridiculous (it's in diary format, after all), with the occasional serious interlude; my conception of the story as it stands is very loose – but obviously quite Piper-centric. I hope you enjoy it!
I.
Friday, October 12
8:11 P.M.
It's a relief to know that every now and then the universe has better things to do than conspire against me. I've been promoted.
Promoted! I'm John Mandrake's new assistant! I wish this journal were sentient so it could properly appreciate the momentousness of the occasion. After all, this isn't some mundane secretarial position, this is…well, John Mandrake, the Head of Internal Affairs! The youngest department Head in history, for that matter – he's absolutely brilliant and amazingly talented, not to mention rather good-looking.
I mean, so I've heard. I haven't actually noticed…personally. Just, you hear things. Around the office, from other people. You know.
Right, well, it's actually strange how it came about. My former boss dropped dead this morning of a heart attack while giving an important presentation to the Heads of the various departments. Apparently in the ministers' hurry to find a replacement they forgot all about tending to the body and left him lying glassy-eyed on the floor for hours. It was all rather tragic.
Anyway, it turned out the official who replaced him, Joseph Perkins, already has an assistant. Which, as he was quick to point out, made me rather redundant.
I waited for him to follow up with something like, "But not to worry, I've arranged for you to work with so-and-so."
He didn't. In fact, if I hadn't set aside my self-consciousness and asked where I was expected to work now, I suspect he might have left it at that. That may seem appalling to you, but unfortunately I'm rather used to this sort of thing by now. I waited patiently while he placed several (somewhat terse) calls inquiring after a new position for "Royston's desk girl, Pit…Priss…"
"Piper," I supplied wearily.
"Piper," he repeated, glaring at me as if his inability to remember my name was my fault, which frankly seemed a bit stupid.
Unsurprisingly, there was no other place in the department for me (up until now I worked in the department of the Home Secretary), and after several futile calls to other departments looking for openings I was beginning to wonder if Mr. Perkins would actually demote me just so he could say he had taken care of the problem. Fortunately it didn't come to that; he received a call from Internal Affairs informing him that Mr. Mandrake was looking for an assistant. He hasn't been Head of the department long, and hadn't hired anyone yet.
The rest, I suppose, is self-explanatory: when he heard I was available, Mr. Mandrake took me on immediately.
8:20 P.M.
All right, I suppose that was a little misleading. It wasn't as if my name alone was enough to secure the position. (If I'm going to be honest, I doubt he has any clue who I am.)
If you want the whole story, Mr. Mandrake had given one of his junior ministers the task of finding him a suitable assistant, and had been in the process of putting it off when he received Mr. Perkins' message concerning my availability. I expect he pulled up my file, found no glaring indication that I would be unsatisfactory (unsurprising – I'm nothing if not industrious), and informed Mr. Mandrake that I would be taking the position.
So I suppose Mr. Mandrake really had nothing to do with my promotion at all, other than leaving the opening conveniently available. Put that way, it kind of diminishes the accomplishment. A bit.
Actually, I think I'll just stop here before I ruin the whole thing.
8:32 P.M.
Feeling rather sulky now, thanks so much.
8:34 P.M.
Still, it's not as if I don't deserve this. After all, I entered the Ministry at quite a young age – twelve years old, in fact – and have demonstrated nothing but competence for the past seven years. Perhaps the progress of my career has been a bit, well, abnormally slow, but it's not for lack of ability on my part. Other factors – over which (or I should say whom) I have no control, I might add – have been something of an impediment.
It's just that – and I don't want to sound rude or ungrateful, I truly don't – but a master's reputation inevitably colors others' perceptions of his or her apprentice. If the master is competent, the apprentice is received with favorable expectations, but if the other members of the government have certain…misgivings…about the master, then the apprentice may find it rather difficult to win the other officials over.
I suppose you can guess which situation I'm in.
It's not that my master is in any way unskilled – in fact, she's a very talented magician. But her ability is somewhat overshadowed by her myriad eccentricities. It turns out the Ministry isn't all that tolerant of eccentricities. And Gladstone knows, I've tried to present as moderated an image as possible – I dress conservatively, I avoid alcohol at social functions, and I do my work well and efficiently – but none of that seems to make a difference. The ministers are dismissive of me at best, scornful at worst.
But this is my chance to show them that they're wrong to see me that way. My new position is much higher-profile than my last, and once Mr. Mandrake sees how capable I am, I'm sure to rise in favor. Who knows what sort of intrigue I'll be privy to, what sorts of situations will put my skills to the test? I'm glad I'm sitting down – the possibilities make my head spin!
I might even oh my god whatlshgakdf
8: 40 P.M.
Sigh.
Witherhorns shows up so unexpectedly sometimes. I've had him for over a year but it's difficult to get accustomed to casually glancing up and seeing four rows of teeth right in front of your face. (I'm pretty sure that's smiling? Mostly?) He claims he's just checking in, in case I need something, but I'm not quite convinced – imps by nature aren't that magnanimous.
I keep meaning to adjust the terms of his summoning so that he can't just appear in my bedroom. He pops in and out randomly, especially in the evenings, and honestly I'm getting tired of changing under my covers just in case he happens to materialize while I'm undressing for bed. Unfortunately I had to learn to take that precaution the hard way.
I don't even want to talk about it.
8:44 P.M.
Having an imp a brief incantation away is convenient, of course. When he behaves himself he's really quite useful – I admit I'm pampered by having a mug of tea ready for me every morning, and it's really convenient to not have to personally run all my errands. Having my supplies of paper towels and pens and the like quietly replenished when needed is a subtle but wonderful luxury. Wonderful.
Except.
Well.
He's just so creepy.
Sometimes I could swear he wiggles his ears in a particularly…lewd fashion. Plus his questionable motivations in visiting my bedroom several times an evening, and his disconcertingly disappointed expression (I think that's what the puckering is) every time he finds me just at my desk or what have you. Plus that…that incident which I won't mention, from which I expect I may never fully recover.
Maybe I should dismiss him permanently, find another imp who doesn't make me quite so uncomfortable.
He brews tea so well, though. It would be a shame. And his habitual form is actually tolerable compared to the taste of most of his kind. Furry is better than slimy or scaly, even if it is green fur. Sometimes he looks like a sentient portion of a particularly hideous carpet.
I suppose I could always order another imp to take on a particular shape. It just seems kind of impolite, is all.
…And statements like that are probably why no one in the magical community takes me seriously. Even my master, who's far more indulgent than most magicians, has always been bewildered by how awkward I feel ordering my spirits – servants, see, I can hardly even write it – around. It turns out most entities aren't exactly overwhelmed with gratitude and esteem for you when you apologize for your commands and generally act like a wet blanket.
8:53 P.M.
Well, I certainly didn't intend to start criticizing myself. It's hard to believe I started writing with good news. I should focus on taking full advantage of my new, exciting position. Working for such an eminent magician as John Mandrake is sure to turn the tide of general disdain. And with my efficiency and work ethic, we're certain to develop a productive working relationship grounded in mutual respect – respect from our government's hero! I'm almost lightheaded!
Well, on that note I think I'll wind down for bed, read a book. Perhaps Griffin's Lesser Binding Clauses in the Greek Magical Papyri.
Or, all right, fine.
More likely The Trials of Desdemona, the Warlock's Lover.
Don't look at me like that – it's a guilty pleasure. I'm entitled! And besides, the author is a commoner and it's interesting, in an anthropological sense, to see how those not raised in the magical tradition perceive magicians and their abilities. And Aziraphale, the titular warlock, is quite a compelling character – outwardly cold and imposing, but hiding a fiery, passionate soul behind his sculpted chest. And sculpted arms. And flowing, leonine locks, and piercing amber eyes.
…
Oh god, please don't tell anyone.
(As if you could, being admittedly inanimate. Addressing the book directly is just a stylistic quirk, all right? I mean, really.)
I'm leaving now.
End Notes: My main concern here was getting into the stride of Piper's voice. The way I envision her personality is a little tricky, a blend of naiveté, self-consciousness, and a somewhat affected propriety that gets derailed in stressful or emotional moments. I find it easier to write and be humorous from the perspective of outright sarcastic or temperamental characters, so if nothing else this should be a useful exercise. Anyway, whether or not you review, thanks so much for reading!