Disclaimer: I do not own ANYTHING from Harry Potter, they all belong to J.K Rowling.
Author's note: This story starts off on a bit of a sad note. It is a story about Lily and James, along with the rest of the Marauders. There are conflicts and separations, and a lot of drama and confusion. There are also a couple of original characters. This is not just L/J. Sirius and Remus have a story too. It takes place after Hogwarts, a few years after in fact. Lily and James did not have Harry right away, but they still die in 1981, which means they graduated earlier. Don't be confused by the dates. This is the sequel to The Things We'll Never Say, which I am currently writing. It can, however be read on its own, and actually I advise it. WARNING: spoilers of TTWNS in here! That said, Please read and review, thanks!
Rating: R for excessive language in some parts, mild drug and alcohol use, violence, and sexual situations (not in explicit detail, only insinuated)
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"We have evoked history, and here it is…..we march on all bent over with this baggage…..The past kills the future."-Michelet
(February 13, 1979)
She couldn't sleep.
As she lied there in her bed she couldn't help but let out a deep sigh of frustration. She hoped for a dream, or even a nightmare to put an end to the daily struggle of getting up in the morning and facing the world. It never came. It no longer mattered to her. She hadn't dreamt in months.
Her eyes, although closed, kept revealing constant images to her, of worry and pain. She thought about her life, their life, and what it had become. It saddened her more. She was thinking about that very day. How agitated he seemed. At breakfast he barely spoke. His mind was obviously somewhere else. He would never tell her where. There were traces of tears on his cheeks he had tried to rub off, and without much success. If she could only find out what was troubling him it would make things so much easier, and they would be speaking again. This was, at least, what she continuously told herself.
She thought of the mission, but that was not it. They had both been using the Unforgivable curses for months. She hated it. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. That's what Moody always said. They had come to terms with that long ago. A raid could not have been what put him over the edge. Not after the blood that had already been spilled, by Aurors and Death Eaters alike.
Her eyes were wide open now; there was no longer a point in trying to sleep. It was not just him. She felt she had also changed. The mere thought scared her. She thought of how she used to be, how they used to be. She was the fiery redhead with the smart mouth and good grades, who fell in love with a man she once considered cocky and immature. He was the Quidditch captain, a chaser, who was admired by all who new him and revered by his friends, and later, his wife. He was a self-centered boy with charm, she thought. But now the fire had died in both of them. It all started six months ago, but its stimulus was a mystery to her.
Their wedding day entered her mind, although she wished it didn't. How happy they were. They had their whole lives ahead of them. She thought of the heartfelt speech by Remus, and how Sirius got drunk and "accidentally" brought up the infamous third year dung bomb incident, whereas his fiancée Diana got up and abruptly left his table. Diana always liked to make a scene, and Sirius liked to drink a lot. He had his reasons. She remembered little things like Severus not showing up and Peter leaving early without saying goodbye. In reality it wasn't that long ago. Her white dress, the Great Hall, and Dumbledore. Their innocence was gone by then, but not forgotten. They put the past behind them because they were young and naïve enough to do so.
She almost didn't notice that a tear escaped her eyes. When she did it was quickly brushed away. I do not cry, she thought. Cowards cry, broken women cry. I do not cry!
He was next to her, asleep, or at least pretending to be asleep. He had a tendency to do such things. Perhaps he thought it amusing. Another uninvited tear managed to squeeze itself through. Tomorrow, she thought. Wait. No, this couldn't wait.
"James?" she squeaked. She had to clear her throat to make her voice audible.
No answer. She doubted herself again, and then mustered up the courage she pretended to possess.
"James?"
He rolled over, now facing her. She heard him sigh.
"What?" he whispered, in a tone that expressed annoyance. She was afraid, again.
"Nothing." She said, quickly.
"No really what?" he replied in his now impatient tone.
"Forget it. It wasn't important." She waved her hand away and turned on her side.
"Then why did you wake me up?" he said in a monotone voice.
"You weren't asleep."
"What does that matter?" he admitted, although not dismissing his feelings of being inconvenienced.
"I can't wake you up if you are not asleep." She was getting frustrated.
"Whatever Lil'. Goodnight." He rolled over to the other side of the bed.
Five minutes past and she was sure he was asleep by now, but she spoke aloud anyway.
"What's going to happen to us?" she said, not expecting an answer. It was more for her to contemplate.
He turned to face her again.
"I don't understand." He said, rubbing his eyes.
"We're stuck. James, don't you see that? Something is wrong."
"What do you mean?" he said, sitting upright.
"Oh, don't do that, James. I hate it when you try to play dumb."
"Well, Lily what do you expect?" He sat up and looked at the clock. "It is three thirty in the morning. You want me to be clever and observant?"
"I never said you were clever. But, yes, observant would be nice." She said, with earnest rudeness behind it.
"Do you really want to start fighting right now?" he said, his voice rising to a raspier, discomfited tone. He was bordering on actual anger.
"I am not trying to start a fight. You're the one who woke up with an attitude!"
"I wasn't asleep." He said.
"Ugh, don't get smart with me." She said, and pulled the blanket up to her chin.
"Alright." He paused for a long while. It was about five minutes. Maybe it was ten.
"You are insufferable." she said, clenching her teeth.
"That's it?" He sits up. "That is what you want to tell me at this hour? You are unbelievable. Do you know that! I would never dream of bothering you now for fear that you might hex me but when you want to "talk" I have to sit here and listen to you go on and on about things that don't even matter. No, I wasn't asleep, Lil' but I would like to get in two hours at most before I have to get up and do the same shit I have been doing for months. I have been sitting here, waiting and waiting for something to happen, good or bad, so that I can get on with my life. Do you know how much pressure is on me right now? I can't even leave the house anymore! Don't you understand what is happening to me?! I am dying here Lily and you have the nerve to tell me that I am insufferable!"
He turned over and pulled the covers over his head, dramatically, emphasizing his point.
She sat there, running his words over and over again in her head. Who was this man? He didn't even bother to acknowledge that she was also a part of his life. He never bothered to understand that she feared for her life, their lives, every day. He was being as cowardly as she feared. How could this be? She didn't marry a coward. No, she thought. James was no coward, just as she was no coward. He was brave. She knew that. She was brave. She knew that too. Why then, were they so scared? She then reached for her cigarettes on her nightstand. She took one out and lit it. According to her, it helped her think.
"PUT. THAT. OUT." She heard. She could have imagined it, but she didn't. Apparently, she was not the only one who had insomnia that night.
In reality, she couldn't hear him. She was no longer there. His muffled complaints were of no consequence to her. She was somewhere else, far away. She was by the lake, at Hogwarts. James was there too, smiling. Your imagination can get you out of many situations, whether they are manifested occasions or the sweetest of memories.
(June 1, 1975)
"Why did you bring me here?" she asked.
"I just felt like going for a walk." He said, slowly, as if thinking about the words carefully.
"Okay. We're not walking." She said with a giggle, letting go of his hand and running it through her hair.
He then turned to face her. "I love you," he said. "Lily, you know that, right?"
"So you tell me." She replied, crossing her arms.
"Well, I know I have been well, difficult over the past six years, but, um, you are the only woman I want to be with. I have never felt this way about anyone."
"Thanks. You're not so bad yourself."
" Don't joke now. What I'm trying to say is that I would do anything for you." He then took out a small, but beautiful emerald diamond engagement ring. "Marry me, Lily."
A smile then spread across her face. The smile grew wider when she realized that she had started to laugh. How unlikely this would have seemed only a few years ago! She then noticed his expression had changed. He suddenly seemed hurt.
"I'm sorry I guess this is not what you wanted." He clumsily shoved the ring back in his pocket. "We better go in, the ceremony is about to start." he said, stuttering.
She was still laughing. He never stuttered. He started to walk away, trying to remain a man, a man who thought himself rejected.
He walked about ten feet when she answered him. "Why Mr. Potter, how quickly your confidence is shattered." She said. He didn't turn. "Come back here! Of course I'll marry you, you stupid ass!"
He stopped and turned. With a smile now on his face he ran back to her. He scooped her up and kissed her, in the adorable way in which she had become accustomed to. She loved him for being so cliché.
"I hate you." He said. "You saucy little witch."
"Well I hate you too." She replied. "Diana and Sirius are going to flip."
"Probably. Although, they do seem too wrapped up in each other. Well, he is wrapped up in her at least."
"That's true."
"How could you do that to me?" He gently slid the emerald diamond onto her finger. She then kissed his forehead.
"I was having fun."
"You're a hoot, really."
"A hoot?" she laughed.
"Quiet." He said, and kissed her again.
"You know, it's just you and me, now." She said. "That's it. No one else."
"Yes." He said. "Always."
They began walking back to the great hall, hand in hand.
"By the way you do know that the ceremony is over, right Potter?" she said, a good while later.
"Oh shut up Evans. It's ten in the morning and you want me to be clever and observant."
"I never said you were clever. But, yes, observant would be nice."
"What am I getting myself into with you?"
"Oh James. You have no idea."
( I know, very sad beginning, but keep reading, it gets better :) now click on that little box and make me a happy little writer!)