Harry Potter and the Men in Tights
by A. Arithmancy and Joyus
Disclaimer: Men in Tights belongs to whoever made it up. AA altered it slightly. J.K Rowling owns all the characters and the setting. The authors of this disturbing piece take no responibilty for any retching done by the reader while reading.
Harry thought it would be just a normal Hogsmeade weekend. He, Ron, and Hermione had been made a schedule: Honeydukes first, then Zonko's, a quick butterbeer pick-up, and a look-see at the shrieking shack. Absolutely normal.
...Well, it started out normal, anyway... They bought enough sweets at honeydukes to stuff themselves silly on, and a large enough stash of Filibuster's fireworks and other jokes to rival Fred and George's supply. The normalness of the trip suddenly ended. As they were heading back towards the three broomsticks, a disturbing sight met their eyes.....
An anonymous voice from the passer-by was heard. "Great wizards! Is that......." There was a group of men walking down the middle of the street. All of them, oblivious to the freezing weather, were wearing green shorts, green shirts, and green TIGHTS. One of them spotted Harry and turned slightly. Harry recognized him. It was Lucius Malfoy, holding hot butterbeer! His suspicions aroused, he looked at the other men and confirmed his fears. It was Voldemort's Death Eaters! They even had Draco Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle with them! Hermione and Ron ran away screaming, but Harry seemed rooted to the ground. Lucius Malfoy called out menecingly. "Potter.... we're men. Men in tights." Mysterious music started playing and the Death Eaters danced.
"We're men, MANly men, we're men in tights!
We roam around the forest looking for fights!
We're men, we're men in tights!
We rob from the poor to make ourselves rich, that's right!
We may look like sissies, but watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights!
We're men..... we're men in tights!"
The mysterious music changed to a can-can tune, and all the Death Eaters lined up and kicked their legs high in the air for a few minutes. Lucius Malfoy dumped his butterbeer on his ill-protected legs and ran screaming off into the sunset. To our hero's relief, the music and the high kicks ended soon. Unfortunately, Crabbe and Goyle stepped forward. Crabbe and Goyle in tights was not a pretty sight.
"We're goons, we're goons in tights, YES!" They jumped up and clicked their heels.
"We follow commands, to stupid to see the right!
We're goons.... we're goons in tights!
We follow Malfoy, his bodygaurds, that's right!
We may look like pansies, but don't tell us, or else we'll put out your lights!
We're goons, we're goons in tights, TIGHT tights.
Always there, violating the people's rights!
We're always the goons, oh yes, the goons in tights!"
Harry retched and fell back. "Oh, my lord!" He had never imagined a sight so horrible. Of course, until he saw something else.... Voldemort, the dark lord, He-who-must-not-be-named, rising into the air, above the group, wearing the tightest tights of all.
"It's me, it's me in tights!
I'm here today, to conquer the earth, that's right!
I'm here.... I'm here in tights,
So watch it Potter, there's a pair for you, that's right!
Don't call me a sissie, Cause if you do, you'll never again see the light!
It's me, it's me in tights, the tightest tights!
I'll stay right here, yes, me and my men in tights!
We'll never leave, until we see you in tights!"
Harry tried to turn away, to rip his eyes from the gruesome sight, a sight worse than watching someone murdered by the Avada Kedavra curse, worse than anything in the chamber of secrets. He managed to turn around, because even if there was no escape from getting killed - or getting forced into tights - there was no need to become blinded by this sickening sight. But it was too late, for Draco Malfoy and his goonly goons (all in tights, as mentioned) were behind him, closing in.
"Hey Pottie!" Draco yelled. "There's a pair for you, right here!" He held up a tiny pair of green tights, which would be tight on Harry even though he was rather small. Harry looked fearfully at Goyle and Crabbe, then back to the tights. He swallowed, then braced himself. He pulled out his wand.
"You'll only ever take me dead!"
Voldemort's fearful snake eyes gleamed at him. "Oh, but Potter...." he hissed, "they'll look so much....tighter.... on you alive..." With this he motioned all the Death Eaters forward, who formed a smaller circle around harry. He took Lucius Malfoy's wand, because he was not taking chances with the priori incantatem this time..... with a flick of the wand, he levitated Harry and the green tights Draco had been holding. The tights moved into dressing position, and Harry's shoelaces loosened. Harry screamed, and shut his eyes. Everything went quiet.
Harry opened one eye cautiosly, and saw no tights. He opened the other eye and realized he really was laying on his bed at Hogwarts, not in Hogsmeade. It had been a dream! He cried out in joy.
"Yes! No Voldemort! No ti-" he cut off. His legs were adorned with a pair of tights! A silent scream opened his mouth, and a figure stepped into view, along with many others. A crowd of people, all in green tights. Voldemort, Pettigrew, Crabbe, Goyle, Dudley, and Neville, all in his dorm. He gave out a real scream this time, just as the music began.
"We're man, MANly men, we're men in tights!"
by A. Arithmancy and Joyus
Disclaimer: Men in Tights belongs to whoever made it up. AA altered it slightly. J.K Rowling owns all the characters and the setting. The authors of this disturbing piece take no responibilty for any retching done by the reader while reading.
Harry thought it would be just a normal Hogsmeade weekend. He, Ron, and Hermione had been made a schedule: Honeydukes first, then Zonko's, a quick butterbeer pick-up, and a look-see at the shrieking shack. Absolutely normal.
...Well, it started out normal, anyway... They bought enough sweets at honeydukes to stuff themselves silly on, and a large enough stash of Filibuster's fireworks and other jokes to rival Fred and George's supply. The normalness of the trip suddenly ended. As they were heading back towards the three broomsticks, a disturbing sight met their eyes.....
An anonymous voice from the passer-by was heard. "Great wizards! Is that......." There was a group of men walking down the middle of the street. All of them, oblivious to the freezing weather, were wearing green shorts, green shirts, and green TIGHTS. One of them spotted Harry and turned slightly. Harry recognized him. It was Lucius Malfoy, holding hot butterbeer! His suspicions aroused, he looked at the other men and confirmed his fears. It was Voldemort's Death Eaters! They even had Draco Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle with them! Hermione and Ron ran away screaming, but Harry seemed rooted to the ground. Lucius Malfoy called out menecingly. "Potter.... we're men. Men in tights." Mysterious music started playing and the Death Eaters danced.
"We're men, MANly men, we're men in tights!
We roam around the forest looking for fights!
We're men, we're men in tights!
We rob from the poor to make ourselves rich, that's right!
We may look like sissies, but watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights!
We're men..... we're men in tights!"
The mysterious music changed to a can-can tune, and all the Death Eaters lined up and kicked their legs high in the air for a few minutes. Lucius Malfoy dumped his butterbeer on his ill-protected legs and ran screaming off into the sunset. To our hero's relief, the music and the high kicks ended soon. Unfortunately, Crabbe and Goyle stepped forward. Crabbe and Goyle in tights was not a pretty sight.
"We're goons, we're goons in tights, YES!" They jumped up and clicked their heels.
"We follow commands, to stupid to see the right!
We're goons.... we're goons in tights!
We follow Malfoy, his bodygaurds, that's right!
We may look like pansies, but don't tell us, or else we'll put out your lights!
We're goons, we're goons in tights, TIGHT tights.
Always there, violating the people's rights!
We're always the goons, oh yes, the goons in tights!"
Harry retched and fell back. "Oh, my lord!" He had never imagined a sight so horrible. Of course, until he saw something else.... Voldemort, the dark lord, He-who-must-not-be-named, rising into the air, above the group, wearing the tightest tights of all.
"It's me, it's me in tights!
I'm here today, to conquer the earth, that's right!
I'm here.... I'm here in tights,
So watch it Potter, there's a pair for you, that's right!
Don't call me a sissie, Cause if you do, you'll never again see the light!
It's me, it's me in tights, the tightest tights!
I'll stay right here, yes, me and my men in tights!
We'll never leave, until we see you in tights!"
Harry tried to turn away, to rip his eyes from the gruesome sight, a sight worse than watching someone murdered by the Avada Kedavra curse, worse than anything in the chamber of secrets. He managed to turn around, because even if there was no escape from getting killed - or getting forced into tights - there was no need to become blinded by this sickening sight. But it was too late, for Draco Malfoy and his goonly goons (all in tights, as mentioned) were behind him, closing in.
"Hey Pottie!" Draco yelled. "There's a pair for you, right here!" He held up a tiny pair of green tights, which would be tight on Harry even though he was rather small. Harry looked fearfully at Goyle and Crabbe, then back to the tights. He swallowed, then braced himself. He pulled out his wand.
"You'll only ever take me dead!"
Voldemort's fearful snake eyes gleamed at him. "Oh, but Potter...." he hissed, "they'll look so much....tighter.... on you alive..." With this he motioned all the Death Eaters forward, who formed a smaller circle around harry. He took Lucius Malfoy's wand, because he was not taking chances with the priori incantatem this time..... with a flick of the wand, he levitated Harry and the green tights Draco had been holding. The tights moved into dressing position, and Harry's shoelaces loosened. Harry screamed, and shut his eyes. Everything went quiet.
Harry opened one eye cautiosly, and saw no tights. He opened the other eye and realized he really was laying on his bed at Hogwarts, not in Hogsmeade. It had been a dream! He cried out in joy.
"Yes! No Voldemort! No ti-" he cut off. His legs were adorned with a pair of tights! A silent scream opened his mouth, and a figure stepped into view, along with many others. A crowd of people, all in green tights. Voldemort, Pettigrew, Crabbe, Goyle, Dudley, and Neville, all in his dorm. He gave out a real scream this time, just as the music began.
"We're man, MANly men, we're men in tights!"