TITLE: Starry Night Confessions
AUTHOR: Lisa
EMAIL: Saturn_girl19@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: AL/JC Romance and Angst
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: For episode 9-15 "A Boy Falling Out Of The Sky."
ARCHIVE: Please just let me know.
DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine. That's all there is to it.
THANKS: To Kate for the beta!! Thank you so much!! You are terrific!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is based on spoilers that I have read for the episode mentioned above. It will probably play out quite differently on the show, but here is my take on things. The poem below is mine as well.
SUMMARY: Carter proposes.
~*~
Part I
~*~
A steady breeze
begins to flow inside
my head. A starry night became my doom.
A nonchalance arrived a bit too soon.
Empty spaces, empty places reside.
A victory about to shamefully collide.
Regret begins to eat away a tune
of lullabies too noticed by a loon.
A valued moment wasted as I tried.
A dancing coward without a purpose.
Dolphin love inwardly inviting me.
A baby cries. It almost broke my heart.
The roaring thunder spewed on the circus.
I should have looked the other way to see.
My heart is always being torn apart.
~*~
The air is so cold, it snaps in their faces like a rubber band, and their voices reverberate through the air like the siren of an ambulance, a sound they are both all too familiar with.
"You don't want to love me. You should just go. Go now. Before it's too late."
"That's not what I want."
"What do you want?"
"I want to marry you!"
"You're proposing?"
"Yeah."
"You're crazy."
"Well then, I'll fit right in."
She stops. Dead. She stares. She almost squints at him, her face contorted, a mix of conflicting emotions, a reflection of the raw night surrounding them.
"I can't."
"Abby, I only want to be with you, to help you, but you keep pushing me away."
"I'm not your charity case."
He watches her, lacking the words to continue. They got lost somewhere between the wind, the snow that has started to fall, and her penetrating, intrusive eyes.
"You think you're so perfect, don't you Carter? You think you can just fix everything by saying the magic words. You're a doctor. You should know better. We're not so different. You think you're so high and mighty because you beat your addiction, but some people just aren't as lucky as you are!"
She turns sharply on her heel, and begins to walk away again, but he grabs a hold of her arm, before she can get far. He has finally found his voice, his words.
"I'm not perfect Abby. You think I still don't think about it? You think I still don't want to get high, that I don't crave it? I do, every God damned day, but you make it better. You make me smile, and laugh, and most of all, you force me to look at myself, and see the truth of who I really am. No one knows me like you do, Abby. I have to marry you. There is no one else that I could ever be with after knowing you."
The declaration is more than he thought he would be able to say. Of course, he has always felt those things, but to actually feel and hear the words, the particular pitch of his voice as it all falls from his lips, he is almost taken aback by his complete and total candor. But it is too late to stop now, so he pauses, takes a breath to go on. She is silent. Simply looking.
"I know you in the same way, and it scares the hell out you. And I'm not going to stop knowing you, stop loving you. I just wish you could let me in all the way."
She is like a scared animal, trapped in the harsh glow of headlights. She is wide-eyed and stunned. She looks at him not with the scrutiny of earlier, but with a dazed wonder. When she turns around this time, he lets her walk away.
~*~
Part II
~*~
What if this really is love,
Slitting me open like a wide paper cut?
Wrap me up, seep me up.
Your arms ache around the red center of
My heart.
I spin around your indefinite gestures,
A thirsty top,
Perplexed
At your heavy gravity.
~*~
He just starts to drift off into some sort of pseudo-sleep on the sofa, when he hears her knock on the door. It is tentative, barely audible, but he knows it's her.
Her eyes communicate her apologies before she does, but then she starts to speak; deliberate sounds, unsteady snips of syllables, idly departing from the tunnel of her mouth like syrup.
"I shouldn't have… I just, umm, I just need some time to sort all of this stuff out. I just…"
"Shh. I know."
He soaks her up like hot liquid, as she trickles out before him, and like the loosening of a corset, she gradually becomes undone. He rubs nonchalant circles across her back, and she lets out a balmy breath onto his bare chest. He kisses her calmly, his lips cool and fresh, just for an instant. When she reaches up to cup his face, he knows that they really are going to be okay.