Title: And They Lived Happily Ever After...
Summary: ...not.
Character (s): Amy Cahill
Rating: K+
Genre: Parody-Slight AU
Fandom: 39 Clues

Amy was going to get her happily-ever-after. That was a fact.

Her parents ("Amy, sweetie, when are you going to get a boyfriend? You're seventeen!"), her millions of cousins ("Oh look! It's the nerd! Heeeeeeeeeey, Amy! What's up? Got somebody yet?"), and even her annoying younger brother ("Dan, you dweeb!" "Once you start dating, hopefully you'll learn some better insults.") believed it. Heck, she believed it.

A handsome prince galloping on a splendid white horse, arriving just in the nick of time to rescue her from malicious witches? Check. (It was more of a get-squashed-by-exploding-cave situation, but there was hardly a difference.)

A kiss upon her lips to arise her from whatever impending doom that hung above their heads? Check. (It hadn't woken her up at all. On the contrary, it numbed her senses and logic.) (But so what?)

Lost treasure found and kingdom saved? Check. (They weren't saving a kingdom here- they were saving the whole human race. But what did that matter?)

And so, Amy Cahill would get her happy ending.

Of course, things did get a little (just a little) complicated when her prince decided to stab her in the back.

And leave her in the cave to die.

And sprint away with the treasure.

And use it to try and take control of the world.

Life was dandy.

But that did not matter much. Amy would still get her happily-ever-after.

It was harder when Kurt came into the picture, because then she had two princes to choose from. It was tough, oh so tough. One was hot, played chess with her, could sing for Pete's sake, and let her brother explore an ancient shaft. As opposed to Ian, who was rich, had no interest in chess whatsoever, ditched her in a cave with a limited supply of oxygen, attempted to infatuate her once more, had a mother who was after her life— and well, you get the idea.

(But admittedly, he was kind of cute.)

It took her months to finally decide. It was difficult, she knew, but the choice was a rather obvious one, wasn't it? Sweet, perfect, singing boy versus multiple-attempted-murders-against-her rich kid? She wasn't even sure it could be called a choice.

Why, she should obviously opt for the latter.

Life was good for awhile, as she was sure of her knight in shining beige bank suits.

And then Evan pranced right into her life. Literally. The first time she set her eyes on him, she felt as if they (her eyeballs, she means) were about to roll out of their sockets. He was doing some kind of weird dance, but she took no notice of that.

Oh.

My.

Madeleine.

All Amy could do was ogle for the longest time. And when he ended up sitting next to her in English class, she very nearly died. He flashed her a charming smile and all she could do was gape. That, and weakly offer him a pack of raisins she coviniently had at the time.

"Hey," he said in a voice so sweet, it even beat Ian's British accent. "I'm Evan. Nice to meet you!"

Amy's brain didn't have the capacity to store Ian's memory from that moment on.

And if you asked Dan what had happened afterwards, he would groan bitterly about it.

"It was all, Ian this, Ian that at first. I thought it was bad when she crushed on him, but with Evan–" by this time he was whimpering. "If I made the tiniest joke about him, she would chase me around with my ninja swords. My ninja swords! And it was worst when I put that whoopee-cushion on his seat when he came over for dinner once. Though," he added, now grinning. "It was totally worth it. Amy's expression was priceless!"

There you have it. Amy's new knight. And this time he wore cool(er) clothes.

She was happy for an estimated total of two years.

But like all happily-ever-after part the second tales, she still had many obstacles to overcome.

One day, her old enemies decided to come back to play. She sighed -annoyed with them by now- and regretfully left for Rome, bidding Evan a tearful farewell.

Which was how she met Jake. By this time, she was thoroughly confused, as feelings for Ian and Kurt began to resurface. But she already had a knight back home and now Jake!

What was she to do? She could not very well have four knights all at once! And what if she met somebody else, somebody better than the four of them combined?

After much thinking and a dozen headches, she had a solution. The answer came easily enough once she was willing to think. Why, hold a jousting competition (soccer match) of course!

Her brilliant flash of inspiration propelled her to demolish the enemy faster and the instant they were sent to the dungeons (jail), she hopped on a plane -ahem, sorry, carriage- to Boston. There, she cheerfully introduced her four potential suitors to each other.

To which they began quarreling almost immediately and it became apparent that there was no need for a competition after all. It disappointed her slightly.

"You are a poor and dirty historian and nothing more!" Ian exclaimed disgustedly at Kurt. "You deserve less than a fine lady like her!"

Kurt glared at him, stung while the two other men clapped enthusiastically.

He looked ready to put up a fight and snap a witty remark right back at Ian. He opened his mouth-

-and choked out a despairing sob.

"You're right!" he cried. "I'm just some nerdy wanna-be! I'll never live up to you! You're rich and handsome and all the girls want you! Why would Amy choose me?"

Loud wailing could be heard throughout Grace's castle as he sprinted out.

Amy sighed in dismay. Too bad, she thought. He really was fun to be around. But I can't have a boyfriend who gives in that easily.

"And you!" Ian turned to Jake. "You are possibly even worse than that crying idiot!"

"Well at least I don't talk like I'm from the Middle Ages!" he retorted. "I'm fun, way more than you are, rich kid, and I really, really like her! She's the prettiest-"

Amy, who was listening in rapture glanced up at him, startled. Why had he stopped so abruptly?

"IAAAAAN!" Natalie Kabra's screech could be heard throughout the whole hall as she came strolling in with her haughtiest look on her face. "WHERE DID YOU PUT MY PRADA BAG?"

Ian's face paled considerably. "Ah, about that-"

Before Amy knew what was happening, Jake had rushed up to Natalie. "I'll help you look for it!" he breathed, kneeling on one knee and flourishing a rose. He gazed up at her with hearts in his eyes. It was obvious he had fallen for her.

"Wait!" Amy protested. "You're supposed to be telling Ian and Evan how much you like me!"

Jake did not bother sparing her a glance. "I suddenly realized that Ian was right. I'm worst than Kurt, or whatever he said and I don't deserve you."

"Well!" Natalie sniffed. "I guess this means you're not worthy enough to look for my bag. I'll need someone at least worthy enough for her." With that (and a huff), she strolled out of the room.

"What?" Jake said, arising as he followed her. He dropped the rose. "Wait! I am so totally worthy! You've got it wrong!"

"Now that they're out of the way," Evan turned to Ian without batting an eyelash, "you."

"Whatever you may want to say to me, let me just point out that I clearly am the better one for her. All things considered, I am the richer one in both money and connections, and I do have the hot British accent."

That was true, Amy thought.

"You're losing your medieval character," Jake warned him.

"Why, I never! This not a mere child's act, you blithering idiot!"

"Right," Evan replied dryly. "Of course. Anyways, even if it's true that you have a fancy accent, I still have the better voice. And Ames is a millionaire already, so why would she need your money?"

That was also true, Amy mused.

"What I meant was, at least I wouldn't be living off of her."

"You can't hurt me through words, Cobra."

"Cobra-!" Ian spluttered indignantly. After glaring at him for some time, he huffily regained his posture. "Fine then! We shall fight for the fair maidens heart!"

Perhaps Amy would get her match after all.

She seated herself on the bleachers, leaning forwards eagerly. She blushed and giggled as Evan cried out in her direction, "watch, Ames! This one is for you!"

And a soccer ball sailed smoothly into the net despite Ian's efforts to prevent it.

"T'was a foul!" Ian cried out. "That does not count!'

Evan scoffed. "I bet you don't even know what a foul is!" he yelled back.

Ian turned brick red. "I know a foul when I see one!"

"Which sucks because since you obviously have eyes, you still couldn't stop such an easy goal!"

"T'was a foul, moron!"

"Keep dreaming Cobra!"

"Why you-!"

Thus, a huge fight broke out, with the keywords being, soccer balls, faces and surprisingly accurate hits.

You can figure the rest out by yourself, I'm sure, as Amy's two rivaling potential boyfriends ended up in the hospital for weeks. She was not too happy about that. She regrets her actions to this day, where she sits in the hospital room the boys shared, listening to them bicker constantly.

But that did not matter. Because Amy was going to get her happily-ever-after.

...

Eventually.

A/N: Thanks to those three people who reviewed The Sky Bursts. You made my day. Also, I'm not a newbie to fanfiction- sorry for any misunderstandings.

Note that this is a parody.

Please review.

[ ::EDIT:: Disclaimer: I do not own any characters, including Jake. He is someone from TMP. Sorry for the confusion. :: ]