It was exhilaration: adrenaline pumping, each step calculated, each breath taken in and released in perfect rhythm. It was everything and nothing at the same time. It was blank thought, it was counting, it was watching. A flick of the wrist, a wave of an arm, everything mattered. Where the person next to you is, where the people in front and behind you are, where you're heading to next, what direction you need to focus on, what movements you needed to make. One mistake could potentially ruin everything. Every countless hour, every drop of sweat, every tear, every laugh, everything that was anything that was put into this moment, these few minutes of nothing would be worth just that, nothing. Its ridiculous, the thought process here, that countless hours each day would be worth only a few moments in action. It hurt to know that it was almost over, and yet it never felt so good.
The soft crunch of shoes on the ground, whether it be grass, dirt, turf, pavement, or asphalt, was perfectly in time, the halts together the breathes together, the simple moment of being one with everyone around, no matter what the carried, played or performed with, it was a matter of being one. It was a matter of conveying almost half a years worth of emotion to an audience whom most would never truly understand, it was serenity and panic, perfect and flawed. It was beauty in its purest, rawest form. It was a matter of pride, of knowing that challenges big and small had not stopped you, had not stopped us: that we had prevailed through the worst of it. That we had emerged victorious in our struggles and that it would shine through in our performance.
It was the uniform, crisp, uncomfortable, hot and stiff, and the glorious feeling that came when everyone around you had it on as well, and others with different uniforms, so similar but no where near the same, knew who you were with but a glance. It was passion that fueled you, fueled those around you. The determination thick in the air, the pride in every raised chin, eyes hidden by thin brims of hits with plumes, the feeling of anticipations as ratings and winners were announced, and whether you went home empty handed or not, the pride never left, the exhilaration stayed strong. It didn't matter that others did or didn't see, because out there, on that field for 8 minutes or 15 minutes or anything was worth it, was something that nobody but you and the family that surrounded you could accomplish. It was perfect, and deep down, everyone around you knew it too.
Years from now, whether the music still thrums through your veins or not, whether you remember all that was put into those few minutes of nothing and everything, you'll know and remember every time you see a uniform, different and yet still so much the same, that that was you and for the moment the pride will return and your heart will race and you'll smile through the pain of knowing you may never be out there again, because you know that what you and the family that had surrounded you had accomplished was worth more than any trophy collection dust, any banner that's edges are fraying, or any plaque hanging on the wall. For one moment, or a thousand moments of nothing and everything you were part of the music, part of everyone around you, part of something that was bigger and more important than you thought it would ever be or become.
For a few minutes of nearly everything and absolutely nothing, you were part of the band, and that was what was worth it.
so this, just random thoughts from being on the field performing to being off it, to moving on and to looking back. it may not make much sense. sorry.
ah, i know its totally geeky (but i'm proud to say i'm a band geek damn it) to post this, but lately the pressure has been on me to kinda...well give up on band. it ..."has no more room in my life" so i need to "Get the hell over it already". but its so hard, i lived for band, its where the most important person in my life found me, its where i got to express myself and to be perfectly honest, i'm scared i'm going to lose a part of me if i just walk away from it now.
i dont know what to do anymore....music is my very soul.
~buddy