AUTHOR'S NOTES: I just started this on a whim and kept it going because Woody is my favorite character, sorry Shawn, and I honestly haven't seen any stories dedicated to him yet.
Though it may not look it by the numbers, it is a cohesive story, not just questions and answers ;)
*Spoilers for Season 7*
I do not own Psych
Interview With a Coroner
The recorder clicked on as the interview started.
1. What is your name?
My name good sir is Woodrow Strode. My friends call me Woody, or Necro Butcher… alright, only one calls me Necro Butcher, but most people call me Woody.
2. What do you do for a living?
Well, I am Chief Coroner for the Santa Barbara Police Department. Yep the good ol' SBPD. I have my own office, downstairs of course. *Laughs nervously* Couldn't have all the dead bodies upstairs the real stiffs eh? Oh, I didn't mean to be rude, did you want some shrimp? No? Your loss…
3. Are you good at your job?
Yeah! I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. The chief only keeps the best people. What? Nooooo… I don't remember that. Well, it was just the once and I put it back I swear! Oh, that too huh? In my defense, Detective Lassiter shouldn't have cuffed a dead body and I had to put them somewhere! The counter? That's just crazy, then where would I set the cheese curds?
4. Ever served in the Military?
Do Civil War reenactments count? Detective Lassiter let me play one of the field medics once. Why just the once? I don't know… Looking back it could have been the authentic bone saws I brought in. I maybe should have washed them first. No one seemed to want to come in the medical tent.
5. Do you have any irritating habits?
Me? Gosh, none that I can think of, at least ones my patients ever complain of. *Chuckle* The what? I have no idea what you are insinuating. Doesn't everyone at the station wear fuzzy slippers to work?
6. What are your sleeping habits?
It's very erratic. I have to come when I'm needed. Sometimes it's 9 to 5, sometimes it's the other 9 to 5. Sleep here? Well, that would be against the rules and very inappropriate. Oh, that pillow you see isn't for me. Really… *sigh* Okay, you got me. My trailer is still half buried on the beach and Shawn won't let me move in with him and the detective. Oh, that detective? Well that's awkward. I have to apologize to Detective Lassiter for the congratulations gift…
7. What are your eating habits?
As I said, I keep odd hours so I tend to snack a lot, but I am always willing to share! No one ever seems very hungry, but I keep trying. You'd think they were jittered by the dead bodies or something. *Laughs*
8. Do you have any hobbies?
I collect photos of dead people. Do you like them? That one on the left is me! Nooo… I didn't die. Looks real though doesn't it? Oh, crud. No one was supposed to see that... Look, furries are not a hobby. It's a life choice that I don't feel people need to know about right now. I'll come out when I'm ready.
9. What was your education like?
I was always at the top of my class! I'm very proud of that fact. The doctor I interned under seemed to get me and I did try to make him proud… unlike some vindictive woman whose name rhymes with "Grace." Wait! I should have said "mace" or "face." I've never been good with subtlety. Sorry.
10. Did you change much after high school?
I would like to think so. I don't think I was bald and divorced when I was a teenager. Well, divorced anyway. Those football players can be real pranksters I tell ya.
11. Have you ever experienced violence?
I've been through a spat or two. I almost got murdered by a crazy… yet strangely sexy mortician named Grace… yes that Grace. Mostly though, I end up seeing the aftermath. The body parts, arterial spray, mutilations and such. It's not very pretty but you get used to it. They're just bodies.
12. Have you ever been seriously injured?
I once had to have my jaw wired shut for a month after a mishap at a Rocky Horror Show got out of control. I… uh, don't like to talk about it.
13. Have you ever hated anyone?
Yes. Gary Sinise.
14. What was your most embarrassing moment?
If you're talking ever, I guess it would have to be the time I squeezed the wrong person's butt. In my defense, it is hard to tell the difference between a slutty Janet and a 280lb body builder dressed as Dr. Frank N. Furter in near darkness. The broken jaw? Nah… had nothing to do with that. Really.
15. Have you ever betrayed someone?
That's an interesting question! I can't keep secrets. I tend to suffer from TMI, which Detective O'Hara tells me doesn't mean "Tell More Information." Oh yes! Betrayal! I can't keep secrets. I said that already didn't I? I tend to come out and let people know that right away, because I can't keep secrets, and that would be one wouldn't it?
Shawn, our local psychic, and his secretary Gus found a fool proof way to help me out with that problem. Gosh, they are good friends. One hiccup though, I'm going to have to remember to tell them to give me a Port-a-Potty next time because it's really hard to get urine out of a leather couch.
16. Do you have any friends?
To tell the truth I've never had very many friends, if you can believe it with this winning personality! Shawn and Gus are my good buddies. They've done a lot for me these past few years and I was more than happy to return the favor for Shawn.
Yeah, sad deal. He got thrown out of his house, so I let him share my trailer for a few weeks, ya know, before it got stolen and buried. He even tried helping me dig it out, but his dad wouldn't let him borrow his shovel and Shawn said he didn't want to have to acid wash the old man's driveway to be able to have it. I can get in the top though, so that's something.
17. Are you currently married?
Why? Are you asking? *Wry Chuckle* Sorry but I'm not into that sort of thing personally, you gotta draw a line somewhere. No offence to people like you.
No, I'm very recently divorced. Alas, my wife wasn't as faithful as I thought she'd be. She wasn't even faithful to the affair I approved of, or the other I said I was kinda okay with. Anyway, happy to be available! Plenty of women out there that want some Woody. Wait, forget I said that last part, I don't need another sexual harassment suit.
18. Do you have any children or pets?
Why yes! I have a daughter. She left for college last spring. She's going to be a doctor like her good ol' pop. She's the one who did that lovely picture of me as a corpse. Artistic ability runs in the family you know, not my family… her mother's.
I have a mouse too! A little white one. Shawn suggested I name it Ben the Second because his ended up being a female and had babies. I liked it so it stuck. For some reason he said it was partial to paper hats… or he could have said something about rats. I wasn't paying that much attention at the time so I'll never know.
Shawn's mouse, Ben the First? Oh, that came from a delightful young man named Mary. He had some of the most toned calves next to Ryan Reynolds. A good heart too. His right ventricle was particularly nice.
19. What is the oddest thing that has ever happened to you?
Wow, that's a toughie. If you've spent more than five minutes in this place you'd know why. I kid you not, in the last three years I've had more insane stuff wheeled through those doors than I've ever experienced. Poisonings, flash drives, electricity, vampire attacks… it's all pretty crazy right?
Why, just yesterday we got a body in, completely frozen! In the middle of summer no less. I guess I don't have to tell you that. It's why you're here isn't it? Anyway, they're still trying to figure that one out, but I'll tell you after something's been frozen the… Oh, sorry. You probably don't want to hear about that part. *Sigh* No one ever does.
20. Where do you see yourself in five years?
I am hoping to take my story to Broadway! Being a coroner is a lot more interesting than people think and I've come up with a great play. I'm going to call it, "Woody or Wouldn't He? A Coroner's Tale." Catchy? I think so and-
"Strode!? What in the name of all that is sacred are you doing!"
Woody turned around from the body he'd been facing. "Detective Lassiter! I didn't see you there…" He took in the look of disgust and shock on the Head Detective's features and then noticed the rest of the group standing behind him looking just as puzzled.
Shawn, Gus, Juliet and Chief Vick emerged and spread out in the doorway and watching as Woody held a running recorder up to the half-thawed corpse of the reporter they'd brought in for examination. The body had been found in a freezer truck and showed signs of foul play.
"Uh, Woody. You know that guy's dead right?" Gus asked tentatively, nodding in the direction of the body.
Woody quickly turned off and put away the recorder, giving an amused huff. "Yeah, of course I know that… who wouldn't! I knew it may be the only time I get to talk to an actual reporter, and I figured it would be good practice for my big break! If Shawn and Gus get to write a musical, I thought, what the heck! I can too."
Shawn walked up and patted the coroner on the back. "Keep livin' the dream Woodster."
Giving a smug smile Woody replied, "You know I will."
"Alright, break up the love fest and tell me what you know about the victim." Carlton barked.
"Oh, yeah of course." Woody reached behind him, grabbing a tray. "Before we start… anyone want any shrimp?"
Gus and Shawn immediately grabbed some.
Chief Vic's lip curled, "Doctor Strode, is that from the box of shrimp that came in frozen to the victim's body?"
Sputtering and gagging, both men dropped the shrimp and Gus, who had already eaten one, ran for the bathroom.
Putting up his hands in a pacifying gesture, Woody replied, "It's okay Chief. I already asked him and he said he didn't want any..."
END NOTES: The whole schtick about Woody's Trailer being buried was a deleted scene for Juliet Wears the Pantsuit. Woody found the trailer, but it was buried in the sand on the beach with only the antenna sticking up. They also only had a plastic sand shovel to dig it out with. Lol
Also, by now you've probably figured out during the marriage question when Woody said he wasn't into that sort of thing... he meant Necrophilia. :D