Title: The Sun Always Rises
Author: Bronwyn Morris - bkmorris@hotmail.com
Author's Note: I wanted to try something a little different for this
story, so it's a little more serious. All feedback can be sent to
bkmorris@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: All characters in this story belong to DEK and ABC, I
don't own them nor do I profit from them.
The sun always rises
_______________________________________________________
The traffic was light as I made my way home, it was only early afternoon but I'd finished for the day. I was playing hooky to spend some much needed time with my wife and daughter. I'd been embroiled in a high profile murder case that had been taking up a lot of my time lately. The actual trial had only lasted two weeks but the lead up to it had taken a lot longer. But now the verdict was in and it seemed all the hard work had been worthwhile. It had taken the jury only two hours to return with a not guilty verdict. I glanced down at the bottle of champagne on the seat beside me that I'd brought to celebrate with. It was Lindsay's favourite, and as understanding as she'd been lately it was the least I could offer her.
Of course that wasn't all I was willing to offer, I actually had our whole night planned out in my head. I wanted to spend some much needed time with Grace, she is still at that age when every experience is a new one and I was sad that I had missed so many. Then I would tuck her into bed and help her mother prepare dinner. This is a ritual that Lindsay and I like to indulge in, cooking is something we both love and preparing it together gives us both time away from work and child, to be with each other. After dinner I had a whole night of seduction planned, starting with the expensive bottle beside me. It had been far too long since I'd made love to my wife, I planned to make it up to her tonight.
I pulled into the garage of our apartment building and parked the car, grabbing the bottle as I headed to the stairs which I took two at a time in my eagerness to get home. The door was unlocked which surprised me a little as Lindsay was usually so security conscious. I pushed the door open and took a step inside scanning the room and my eyes fell on her instantly. She was looking out the window her back to me, her arms folded across her chest and she was shaking slightly. She must have heard me behind her because she turned around and I could see she'd been crying.
"Lindsay?" worry laced my voice and I cleared my throat "what's the matter?" Suddenly the quietness of the apartment registered and panic set in "Where's Grace, has something happened to her?"
She crossed the room quickly and stopped in front of me, "Grace is fine, Mrs Bradley's looking after her"
Mrs Bradley is our neighbour and she often babysat for us. My breath whooshed out of my lungs in relief "What's happened then? Why isn't she here?"
"Bobby let's sit down" she said gently as she took hold of my arm and led me to the couch, then sat down beside me. I knew what ever she was trying to tell me was difficult for her, there were unshed tears in her eyes and she looked so serious that all my tension came flooding back. "There's been an accident" she said softly "a car accident... Bobby it was your Dad". Tears were streaming down her face and she swallowed before continuing "He didn't make it, I'm so sorry"
I tried to talk but I was incapable of speech, her words buzzed in my head as I felt my world crashing down around me. Lindsay was saying something to me that I didn't catch, I felt the champagne bottle fall to the floor and land with a thud on the thick carpet. Something wet splattered onto the back of my hand and I realised belatedly that they were tears, I didn't remember starting to cry but now I couldn't stop. Lindsay pulled me to her and held me tightly while I wept into her shoulder.
"When?" I asked and my voice was muffled against her body.
She sniffled and sat back a little tilting my face up to look at her. "I just got the call about fifteen minutes ago, I rang you at the office but Lucy said you were headed home, so I waited"
The buzzing in my head was starting to subside and reality set in, "Do you know what happened?" I asked
She shook her head slowly "The hospital rang they just said it happened in a car accident". There was something she wasn't telling me, I would have noticed it before but the shock was just starting to wear off now.
"What?"
She paused and I wondered what else she could tell me that could possibly be worse than what I'd already heard. "They have your dad's personal belongings but they need someone to come down and identify his body, and fill out the paperwork... I thought I'd ring your Uncle Joe and ask him to do it"
I shook my head "No, he was my father, I'll do it"
She sighed and I knew she'd been expecting that answer, but she seemed compelled to try one more time "I don't think that's a good idea Bobby, your Dad wouldn't want you to remember him like that"
"I need to see him Lindsay" I stated this calmly although I was feeling anything but calm. It was the truth. It was suddenly the most important thing in my life, seeing my Dad one last time. I knew she understood.
"I'll drive you down" was all she said.
The drive to the hospital was quiet and unmemorable, neither of us spoke and I appreciated the silence. I think Lindsay knew how desperately close to breaking I was and sensed that it would only take one word to send me over the edge. She knew me well enough to know that I wanted to be composed when I arrived. My grief was private, I didn't want to share it with the world.
She parked the car at the visitors entrance and I looked at the sign above the door. St Anne's Hospital. I'd come here when Jimmy had been shot, I'd come here when Lindsay had been stabbed, now I was coming here to identify my fathers body. I didn't ever want to come here again. Lindsay took my hand in hers as we entered the building, and I squeezed it tightly drawing strength from her, as hard as this moment was it was easier knowing she was beside me. I had nothing in me to convey that though but I was pretty sure she knew.
She lead me to a small waiting area and indicated a bank of seats "Wait here, Bobby" she told me softly, "I'll find out where we have to go" she kept her voice soothing, talking to me like she might talk to a frightened child and I nodded and sat in the closest chair. Something was playing on the television mounted above my head, a cheerful children's program I'd probably have to suffer through when Grace got a little older. I wished that they'd turn it off but I didn't have the energy to ask.
After what seemed like an eternity, but was in reality probably only a few moments, Lindsay returned with a nurse. She led us down a brightly lit corridor that show cased worn paint and ugly lino. 'This is wrong' I thought to myself, as we passed through a door with 'Morgue' stencilled on the glass, this is a place of death, it should be darker, quieter.
The nurse led us to another door, "He's just through here" she said quietly and went to turn the handle, I put my arm out to stop her.
"Please" I said "I'd like to go in alone" Lindsay didn't say anything, and again I appreciated her silence, the nurse nodded and stepped back.
I entered the room and shut the door quietly behind me, my father was lying on a sterile metal table, he'd been undressed and had a sheet covering his body to mid chest, his arms were lying beside him, and from my vantage point by the door, he looked like he could be asleep. It took me several moments to work up the courage to step closer, I could see now that he could never be mistaken for unconscious, the first stages of death had settled in and he had a bluish tinge to his skin that looked even more unnatural in the harsh light. There was a large gash on his temple and I could tell his left arm was broken even though it was partially obscured by his body.
The desire to start crying again overwhelmed me and I swallowed and fought as hard as I could to hold it back. I reached out to touch his arm and felt his cool skin beneath mine, I moved my hand down to his and held it, never wanting to let go. The room was silent except for my heavy breathing and suddenly I wanted to yell and scream at the unfairness of life, to shake him until he woke up and told me to be quiet. But I did none of these things, I understood the futility of it even as I felt the urge. Instead I leaned over and brushed back part of his hair that had fallen over his forehead.
"I love you Dad" I whispered to him and sent a silent prayer that he could hear me. I desperately wished I'd said it to him more when he'd been alive. It was too late for everything but regrets it seemed. I had to fight for composure again and nearly lost the battle, even breathing became hard to do with the huge knot I had sitting in my chest. I took one last long look at him and left the room.
At some stage while I'd been in the other room Mike Maguire had arrived, he was talking to Lindsay quietly against the far wall, they both stoped when they saw me. They crossed over to me and Mike held out his hand and I shook it "I'm so sorry, Bobby" he said with sincerity.
"Thanks Mike" I said, I tried to smile but it just wasn't in me.
"I was just telling Lindsay that we have the suspect in custody" he said awkwardly
"How did it happen?" I asked
"It seems a fifteen year old kid took his Dad's car out for a joyride, he lost control and ran into your father" he paused "They're patching him up now and then moving him to the precinct"
"He's here?" I couldn't believe it, although I don't know why, if I thought about it, it made sense that the other driver would have probably been injured as well, but thinking straight was the last thing I was capable of. All I could think was that I was standing in the same building as the person who had killed my father.
Mike misunderstood my question "You can't see him Bobby" he said. The truth was I didn't want to see him, ever. He killed my father, I didn't know what I would do if I did see him but I had a pretty fair idea it wouldn't be anything good. Suddenly the desire to leave overwhelmed me, it didn't matter how big this hospital was it wasn't big enough for both of us.
I turned to Lindsay effectively cutting Mike out of the conversation, I knew I was being rude but I didn't think he would hold it against me "What paperwork do I need to complete?"
Mike must have got the message because he backed up "I'll leave you two alone, again I'm sorry about your loss, Bobby" he turned and left.
Lindsay indicated the door Mike had just walked through "It's at the nurses station, they just need your signature on a few forms"
I nodded and followed her out, we walked up to the nurses station and the nurse handed me a clipboard, I browsed the pages and signed my name at the bottom. She lifted up a small bag and held it out. "These belonged to your father" she said.
I looked at the bag but made no attempt to take it from her, the nurse looked at me expectantly, but still I stayed where I was, finally Lindsay held out her hand and the nurse handed it to her. Then Lindsay reached out and took my hand, she laced her fingers through mine and led me outside.
We reached the car and got inside, she placed the bag on the back seat and turned to look at me before she started the ignition, "Are you okay?" she asked.
I wanted to look at her but I was hanging on by a pretty thin thread, so instead I focused on the glove compartment and nodded. She reached out and squeezed my hand and started the car. "Lets go home" she said.
"No"
She looked at me surprised "Bobby you should rest"
I shook my head "There's somewhere I want to go" I turned my head and looked at her, unshed tears in my eyes "Will you take me there, please?"
She sighed and I could tell that she was torn between doing what she thought was best and doing what I asked, "Where?"
"You drive, I'll give you the directions" I said.
She turned out of the car park and I directed her towards my old neighbourhood, it was the area I grew up in, where I'd lived right up until I went to college, where my Father had lived for longer than that, until I'd finally made enough money to move him somewhere better. I pointed to a park on the right and she pulled over. I got out of the car and looked around. Nothing much had changed in the years since I'd last been here, but then nothing ever really changed in these old neighbourhoods. Lindsay was standing there looking at me, waiting for me to give some indication as to why we were here, she hadn't been here before and I could tell she didn't understand.
I took her hand and led her further into the park, it was a great park, the best part of the neighbourhood really. There was a large open area perfect for summer games of football or baseball, there was also half a basketball court, and to the side was a fenced off area with swings and slides for the younger children. We came to a bench and sat down, the kids were still in school so the area was quiet, Lindsay still hadn't said anything, she knew I would talk when I was ready.
"I grew up here" I said quietly, I could tell she was a bit surprised but she stayed silent "We used to live just over there" I pointed to an ugly brick building just up the street, "Apartment 12, God I hated it there" I paused as memory's came flooding back. "But here" I said indicating the park "Here was my salvation. Nearly every afternoon, as soon as school let out, I'd come to this park, sometimes with friends, sometimes on my own. We'd play ball for hours, til it got dark and we had to go home...you know one of my earliest memory's of my Dad is playing catch with him right here in this park".
Tears started sliding down my cheeks but I didn't care. "When I was fifteen my Mother was attacked. They wanted her money and even though she gave them everything she had they still beat her left her for dead, by the time we got to the hospital she was already in a coma, the doctors told us there was no brain activity and she would never wake up, that the only thing keeping her alive was the machines. We both knew what they were saying, they wanted to turn off the life support, but Dad wouldn't let them, he refused for days. I remember sitting by her bed, it must have been a week later and there hadn't been any change. Dad walked in he said something like 'how's she doing today' and I just snapped, I couldn't understand why he was keeping her alive when everyone else including me would have turned off the machine days ago. He stood there and just let me yell at him and when I finally stopped all he said was that he would never pull the plug on her and if it bothered me so much I should do it myself...it took a moment then what he was saying finally it hit me. He was asking me to make the decision, basically he was leaving a fifteen year old kid to do what a grown man wouldn't.
I watched him lean down and kiss her on the forehead then turn and leave the room. At that point I hated him more than I'd ever hated anyone. Turning off that machine, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life". My voice cracked and I swallowed before continuing.
"Then I came here, I must have sat here for hours feeling so alone, in a way it felt like I'd lost both my parents that day. Finally my Dad came down and sat beside me and he said 'I just couldn't do it son'. I couldn't even look at him, I had all this anger inside me, so I stood up and started to walk away but he put out his hand to stop me and he said that some day I would get married and have my own family and he hoped then that I'd understand and then he started to cry". I paused and looked down at the ground, "I was fifteen and I had never seen my Father cry before, it shocked me so much that I put my arms around him out of instinct, he leaned against me and he said 'it's just you and me now son, you're all I've got left'"
Lindsay reached out and took my hand "He was lucky to have you"
I shook my head, "No Lindsay, I was lucky to have him". I couldn't hold on any longer, I finally broke as all the grief I'd been trying to suppress came flooding to the surface, a huge sob tore from my throat and tears streamed down my cheeks. Lindsay pulled me tightly against her and I buried my face in her throat. She was whispering words of comfort but I was too far gone to hear them. I don't know how long we sat there clinging to each other, even after I'd cried myself dry she still held me, stroking her hand slowly through my hair. Finally I sat up, "Sorry" I said. I'd never broken down like that before and I was a little embarrassed.
She reached up and wiped tears out of her own eyes, I hadn't realised she'd been crying as well. "You have nothing to be sorry about Bobby, I loved him too"
Everybody always says that you feel better after a good cry, I just felt exhausted. I stood up and held out my hand to Lindsay "Lets go home" I said.
It started to rain as soon as we got in the car, by the time we arrived home it was pouring. I walked over to the window and stood staring at the rain beat against the glass. This is fitting I thought to myself, the sun shouldn't shine on one of the bleakest days of my life, for a moment the temptation to walk outside and stand in the rain was overwhelming. I wanted to submerge myself in God's teardrops, but I shook it off. Lindsay walked up behind me and I turned to face her, she studied me for a moment.
"You should go and lie down Bobby, you look exhausted."
Suddenly I was, I'd won probably the biggest case of my career and lost my Father all in the one day, and all the highs and lows were taking their toll on me. I reached out and tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear "Come with me?"
She led me into the bedroom. I was so tired I went straight to the bed and lay down. "Bobby" she said patiently "you have to get out of your suit" I nodded but I wasn't really listening. She sighed and walked over pulling me into a sitting position, helping me undress, then I lay back and she pulled the covers tightly around me.
"Aren't you coming?" I asked drowsily
"I just have to go next door and get Grace, then I'll ring the office and tell them you're taking the next few days off". She smoothed my hair away from my face softly "I'll join you in a moment"
I murmured something even I didn't understand and watched through half closed eyes as she left the room. I have no idea if she kept her promise because I was asleep in seconds.
______________________________________________________________
The sun was shining when I woke up. It hurt my eyes the first time I opened them so I shut them for a moment before trying again. I tried to focus on the bedside clock, it took me a minute but I finally managed, it read 9.45. I assumed it was a.m.
The events of yesterday came back to me slowly and for a moment I wanted to close my eyes and go back to sleep, but I knew it was time to get up. Lindsay had draped my robe over the foot of the bed, and I put it on and went in search of her. I found her sitting on the living room floor with Grace. They were playing with blocks, Lindsay was building a tower and Grace in her enthusiasm to help knocked them all down. I just stood there watching them until I guess Lindsay sensed my presence because she turned to look at me.
"Hi" she said
"Hi"
"We were just playing blocks"
I nodded "So I can see" I said pointing to the blocks scattered everywhere, "I think she won"
She smiled "Yeah"
I went over and sat down beside her. Grace held her arms up and I lifted her into my lap. She looked up at me with eyes the exact same shade as my Fathers, I'd never noticed it before, but the realisation warmed me. I knew then that I'd always have a part of him with me. Grace started gurgling in a language only she could understand and I smiled and hugged her close. With my free arm I reached out and pulled Lindsay to my side and she settled her head against my chest. My Fathers words played over in my head one day you'll have a family of your own son, and then I hope you'll understand, and I did understand finally. I understood that as much as I'd loved my Mother, my Father had loved her more, and sitting here holding my family I realised the heartache he must have felt letting her go.
Suddenly I missed him so much it hurt. I wanted one last chance to talk to him, to let him know I understood, to thank him for everything he'd given up to give me a chance at a better life than the one he'd had. I wondered if my parents were together now. I could imagine them looking down on me, watching me with my family, and I knew they'd be happy together, always. I looked down at Lindsay and found her staring back at me intently.
There were unshed tears in my eyes, but I knew they wouldn't fall. "I'm alright" I said, and hugged her tighter. The thought of my parents together again calmed me in a way I would have thought impossible yesterday. I turned my head and looked at the sun streaming through the window and today I could smile.
____________________________________________________________
Well what do you think? Please send feedback good or bad
Author: Bronwyn Morris - bkmorris@hotmail.com
Author's Note: I wanted to try something a little different for this
story, so it's a little more serious. All feedback can be sent to
bkmorris@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: All characters in this story belong to DEK and ABC, I
don't own them nor do I profit from them.
The sun always rises
_______________________________________________________
The traffic was light as I made my way home, it was only early afternoon but I'd finished for the day. I was playing hooky to spend some much needed time with my wife and daughter. I'd been embroiled in a high profile murder case that had been taking up a lot of my time lately. The actual trial had only lasted two weeks but the lead up to it had taken a lot longer. But now the verdict was in and it seemed all the hard work had been worthwhile. It had taken the jury only two hours to return with a not guilty verdict. I glanced down at the bottle of champagne on the seat beside me that I'd brought to celebrate with. It was Lindsay's favourite, and as understanding as she'd been lately it was the least I could offer her.
Of course that wasn't all I was willing to offer, I actually had our whole night planned out in my head. I wanted to spend some much needed time with Grace, she is still at that age when every experience is a new one and I was sad that I had missed so many. Then I would tuck her into bed and help her mother prepare dinner. This is a ritual that Lindsay and I like to indulge in, cooking is something we both love and preparing it together gives us both time away from work and child, to be with each other. After dinner I had a whole night of seduction planned, starting with the expensive bottle beside me. It had been far too long since I'd made love to my wife, I planned to make it up to her tonight.
I pulled into the garage of our apartment building and parked the car, grabbing the bottle as I headed to the stairs which I took two at a time in my eagerness to get home. The door was unlocked which surprised me a little as Lindsay was usually so security conscious. I pushed the door open and took a step inside scanning the room and my eyes fell on her instantly. She was looking out the window her back to me, her arms folded across her chest and she was shaking slightly. She must have heard me behind her because she turned around and I could see she'd been crying.
"Lindsay?" worry laced my voice and I cleared my throat "what's the matter?" Suddenly the quietness of the apartment registered and panic set in "Where's Grace, has something happened to her?"
She crossed the room quickly and stopped in front of me, "Grace is fine, Mrs Bradley's looking after her"
Mrs Bradley is our neighbour and she often babysat for us. My breath whooshed out of my lungs in relief "What's happened then? Why isn't she here?"
"Bobby let's sit down" she said gently as she took hold of my arm and led me to the couch, then sat down beside me. I knew what ever she was trying to tell me was difficult for her, there were unshed tears in her eyes and she looked so serious that all my tension came flooding back. "There's been an accident" she said softly "a car accident... Bobby it was your Dad". Tears were streaming down her face and she swallowed before continuing "He didn't make it, I'm so sorry"
I tried to talk but I was incapable of speech, her words buzzed in my head as I felt my world crashing down around me. Lindsay was saying something to me that I didn't catch, I felt the champagne bottle fall to the floor and land with a thud on the thick carpet. Something wet splattered onto the back of my hand and I realised belatedly that they were tears, I didn't remember starting to cry but now I couldn't stop. Lindsay pulled me to her and held me tightly while I wept into her shoulder.
"When?" I asked and my voice was muffled against her body.
She sniffled and sat back a little tilting my face up to look at her. "I just got the call about fifteen minutes ago, I rang you at the office but Lucy said you were headed home, so I waited"
The buzzing in my head was starting to subside and reality set in, "Do you know what happened?" I asked
She shook her head slowly "The hospital rang they just said it happened in a car accident". There was something she wasn't telling me, I would have noticed it before but the shock was just starting to wear off now.
"What?"
She paused and I wondered what else she could tell me that could possibly be worse than what I'd already heard. "They have your dad's personal belongings but they need someone to come down and identify his body, and fill out the paperwork... I thought I'd ring your Uncle Joe and ask him to do it"
I shook my head "No, he was my father, I'll do it"
She sighed and I knew she'd been expecting that answer, but she seemed compelled to try one more time "I don't think that's a good idea Bobby, your Dad wouldn't want you to remember him like that"
"I need to see him Lindsay" I stated this calmly although I was feeling anything but calm. It was the truth. It was suddenly the most important thing in my life, seeing my Dad one last time. I knew she understood.
"I'll drive you down" was all she said.
The drive to the hospital was quiet and unmemorable, neither of us spoke and I appreciated the silence. I think Lindsay knew how desperately close to breaking I was and sensed that it would only take one word to send me over the edge. She knew me well enough to know that I wanted to be composed when I arrived. My grief was private, I didn't want to share it with the world.
She parked the car at the visitors entrance and I looked at the sign above the door. St Anne's Hospital. I'd come here when Jimmy had been shot, I'd come here when Lindsay had been stabbed, now I was coming here to identify my fathers body. I didn't ever want to come here again. Lindsay took my hand in hers as we entered the building, and I squeezed it tightly drawing strength from her, as hard as this moment was it was easier knowing she was beside me. I had nothing in me to convey that though but I was pretty sure she knew.
She lead me to a small waiting area and indicated a bank of seats "Wait here, Bobby" she told me softly, "I'll find out where we have to go" she kept her voice soothing, talking to me like she might talk to a frightened child and I nodded and sat in the closest chair. Something was playing on the television mounted above my head, a cheerful children's program I'd probably have to suffer through when Grace got a little older. I wished that they'd turn it off but I didn't have the energy to ask.
After what seemed like an eternity, but was in reality probably only a few moments, Lindsay returned with a nurse. She led us down a brightly lit corridor that show cased worn paint and ugly lino. 'This is wrong' I thought to myself, as we passed through a door with 'Morgue' stencilled on the glass, this is a place of death, it should be darker, quieter.
The nurse led us to another door, "He's just through here" she said quietly and went to turn the handle, I put my arm out to stop her.
"Please" I said "I'd like to go in alone" Lindsay didn't say anything, and again I appreciated her silence, the nurse nodded and stepped back.
I entered the room and shut the door quietly behind me, my father was lying on a sterile metal table, he'd been undressed and had a sheet covering his body to mid chest, his arms were lying beside him, and from my vantage point by the door, he looked like he could be asleep. It took me several moments to work up the courage to step closer, I could see now that he could never be mistaken for unconscious, the first stages of death had settled in and he had a bluish tinge to his skin that looked even more unnatural in the harsh light. There was a large gash on his temple and I could tell his left arm was broken even though it was partially obscured by his body.
The desire to start crying again overwhelmed me and I swallowed and fought as hard as I could to hold it back. I reached out to touch his arm and felt his cool skin beneath mine, I moved my hand down to his and held it, never wanting to let go. The room was silent except for my heavy breathing and suddenly I wanted to yell and scream at the unfairness of life, to shake him until he woke up and told me to be quiet. But I did none of these things, I understood the futility of it even as I felt the urge. Instead I leaned over and brushed back part of his hair that had fallen over his forehead.
"I love you Dad" I whispered to him and sent a silent prayer that he could hear me. I desperately wished I'd said it to him more when he'd been alive. It was too late for everything but regrets it seemed. I had to fight for composure again and nearly lost the battle, even breathing became hard to do with the huge knot I had sitting in my chest. I took one last long look at him and left the room.
At some stage while I'd been in the other room Mike Maguire had arrived, he was talking to Lindsay quietly against the far wall, they both stoped when they saw me. They crossed over to me and Mike held out his hand and I shook it "I'm so sorry, Bobby" he said with sincerity.
"Thanks Mike" I said, I tried to smile but it just wasn't in me.
"I was just telling Lindsay that we have the suspect in custody" he said awkwardly
"How did it happen?" I asked
"It seems a fifteen year old kid took his Dad's car out for a joyride, he lost control and ran into your father" he paused "They're patching him up now and then moving him to the precinct"
"He's here?" I couldn't believe it, although I don't know why, if I thought about it, it made sense that the other driver would have probably been injured as well, but thinking straight was the last thing I was capable of. All I could think was that I was standing in the same building as the person who had killed my father.
Mike misunderstood my question "You can't see him Bobby" he said. The truth was I didn't want to see him, ever. He killed my father, I didn't know what I would do if I did see him but I had a pretty fair idea it wouldn't be anything good. Suddenly the desire to leave overwhelmed me, it didn't matter how big this hospital was it wasn't big enough for both of us.
I turned to Lindsay effectively cutting Mike out of the conversation, I knew I was being rude but I didn't think he would hold it against me "What paperwork do I need to complete?"
Mike must have got the message because he backed up "I'll leave you two alone, again I'm sorry about your loss, Bobby" he turned and left.
Lindsay indicated the door Mike had just walked through "It's at the nurses station, they just need your signature on a few forms"
I nodded and followed her out, we walked up to the nurses station and the nurse handed me a clipboard, I browsed the pages and signed my name at the bottom. She lifted up a small bag and held it out. "These belonged to your father" she said.
I looked at the bag but made no attempt to take it from her, the nurse looked at me expectantly, but still I stayed where I was, finally Lindsay held out her hand and the nurse handed it to her. Then Lindsay reached out and took my hand, she laced her fingers through mine and led me outside.
We reached the car and got inside, she placed the bag on the back seat and turned to look at me before she started the ignition, "Are you okay?" she asked.
I wanted to look at her but I was hanging on by a pretty thin thread, so instead I focused on the glove compartment and nodded. She reached out and squeezed my hand and started the car. "Lets go home" she said.
"No"
She looked at me surprised "Bobby you should rest"
I shook my head "There's somewhere I want to go" I turned my head and looked at her, unshed tears in my eyes "Will you take me there, please?"
She sighed and I could tell that she was torn between doing what she thought was best and doing what I asked, "Where?"
"You drive, I'll give you the directions" I said.
She turned out of the car park and I directed her towards my old neighbourhood, it was the area I grew up in, where I'd lived right up until I went to college, where my Father had lived for longer than that, until I'd finally made enough money to move him somewhere better. I pointed to a park on the right and she pulled over. I got out of the car and looked around. Nothing much had changed in the years since I'd last been here, but then nothing ever really changed in these old neighbourhoods. Lindsay was standing there looking at me, waiting for me to give some indication as to why we were here, she hadn't been here before and I could tell she didn't understand.
I took her hand and led her further into the park, it was a great park, the best part of the neighbourhood really. There was a large open area perfect for summer games of football or baseball, there was also half a basketball court, and to the side was a fenced off area with swings and slides for the younger children. We came to a bench and sat down, the kids were still in school so the area was quiet, Lindsay still hadn't said anything, she knew I would talk when I was ready.
"I grew up here" I said quietly, I could tell she was a bit surprised but she stayed silent "We used to live just over there" I pointed to an ugly brick building just up the street, "Apartment 12, God I hated it there" I paused as memory's came flooding back. "But here" I said indicating the park "Here was my salvation. Nearly every afternoon, as soon as school let out, I'd come to this park, sometimes with friends, sometimes on my own. We'd play ball for hours, til it got dark and we had to go home...you know one of my earliest memory's of my Dad is playing catch with him right here in this park".
Tears started sliding down my cheeks but I didn't care. "When I was fifteen my Mother was attacked. They wanted her money and even though she gave them everything she had they still beat her left her for dead, by the time we got to the hospital she was already in a coma, the doctors told us there was no brain activity and she would never wake up, that the only thing keeping her alive was the machines. We both knew what they were saying, they wanted to turn off the life support, but Dad wouldn't let them, he refused for days. I remember sitting by her bed, it must have been a week later and there hadn't been any change. Dad walked in he said something like 'how's she doing today' and I just snapped, I couldn't understand why he was keeping her alive when everyone else including me would have turned off the machine days ago. He stood there and just let me yell at him and when I finally stopped all he said was that he would never pull the plug on her and if it bothered me so much I should do it myself...it took a moment then what he was saying finally it hit me. He was asking me to make the decision, basically he was leaving a fifteen year old kid to do what a grown man wouldn't.
I watched him lean down and kiss her on the forehead then turn and leave the room. At that point I hated him more than I'd ever hated anyone. Turning off that machine, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life". My voice cracked and I swallowed before continuing.
"Then I came here, I must have sat here for hours feeling so alone, in a way it felt like I'd lost both my parents that day. Finally my Dad came down and sat beside me and he said 'I just couldn't do it son'. I couldn't even look at him, I had all this anger inside me, so I stood up and started to walk away but he put out his hand to stop me and he said that some day I would get married and have my own family and he hoped then that I'd understand and then he started to cry". I paused and looked down at the ground, "I was fifteen and I had never seen my Father cry before, it shocked me so much that I put my arms around him out of instinct, he leaned against me and he said 'it's just you and me now son, you're all I've got left'"
Lindsay reached out and took my hand "He was lucky to have you"
I shook my head, "No Lindsay, I was lucky to have him". I couldn't hold on any longer, I finally broke as all the grief I'd been trying to suppress came flooding to the surface, a huge sob tore from my throat and tears streamed down my cheeks. Lindsay pulled me tightly against her and I buried my face in her throat. She was whispering words of comfort but I was too far gone to hear them. I don't know how long we sat there clinging to each other, even after I'd cried myself dry she still held me, stroking her hand slowly through my hair. Finally I sat up, "Sorry" I said. I'd never broken down like that before and I was a little embarrassed.
She reached up and wiped tears out of her own eyes, I hadn't realised she'd been crying as well. "You have nothing to be sorry about Bobby, I loved him too"
Everybody always says that you feel better after a good cry, I just felt exhausted. I stood up and held out my hand to Lindsay "Lets go home" I said.
It started to rain as soon as we got in the car, by the time we arrived home it was pouring. I walked over to the window and stood staring at the rain beat against the glass. This is fitting I thought to myself, the sun shouldn't shine on one of the bleakest days of my life, for a moment the temptation to walk outside and stand in the rain was overwhelming. I wanted to submerge myself in God's teardrops, but I shook it off. Lindsay walked up behind me and I turned to face her, she studied me for a moment.
"You should go and lie down Bobby, you look exhausted."
Suddenly I was, I'd won probably the biggest case of my career and lost my Father all in the one day, and all the highs and lows were taking their toll on me. I reached out and tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear "Come with me?"
She led me into the bedroom. I was so tired I went straight to the bed and lay down. "Bobby" she said patiently "you have to get out of your suit" I nodded but I wasn't really listening. She sighed and walked over pulling me into a sitting position, helping me undress, then I lay back and she pulled the covers tightly around me.
"Aren't you coming?" I asked drowsily
"I just have to go next door and get Grace, then I'll ring the office and tell them you're taking the next few days off". She smoothed my hair away from my face softly "I'll join you in a moment"
I murmured something even I didn't understand and watched through half closed eyes as she left the room. I have no idea if she kept her promise because I was asleep in seconds.
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The sun was shining when I woke up. It hurt my eyes the first time I opened them so I shut them for a moment before trying again. I tried to focus on the bedside clock, it took me a minute but I finally managed, it read 9.45. I assumed it was a.m.
The events of yesterday came back to me slowly and for a moment I wanted to close my eyes and go back to sleep, but I knew it was time to get up. Lindsay had draped my robe over the foot of the bed, and I put it on and went in search of her. I found her sitting on the living room floor with Grace. They were playing with blocks, Lindsay was building a tower and Grace in her enthusiasm to help knocked them all down. I just stood there watching them until I guess Lindsay sensed my presence because she turned to look at me.
"Hi" she said
"Hi"
"We were just playing blocks"
I nodded "So I can see" I said pointing to the blocks scattered everywhere, "I think she won"
She smiled "Yeah"
I went over and sat down beside her. Grace held her arms up and I lifted her into my lap. She looked up at me with eyes the exact same shade as my Fathers, I'd never noticed it before, but the realisation warmed me. I knew then that I'd always have a part of him with me. Grace started gurgling in a language only she could understand and I smiled and hugged her close. With my free arm I reached out and pulled Lindsay to my side and she settled her head against my chest. My Fathers words played over in my head one day you'll have a family of your own son, and then I hope you'll understand, and I did understand finally. I understood that as much as I'd loved my Mother, my Father had loved her more, and sitting here holding my family I realised the heartache he must have felt letting her go.
Suddenly I missed him so much it hurt. I wanted one last chance to talk to him, to let him know I understood, to thank him for everything he'd given up to give me a chance at a better life than the one he'd had. I wondered if my parents were together now. I could imagine them looking down on me, watching me with my family, and I knew they'd be happy together, always. I looked down at Lindsay and found her staring back at me intently.
There were unshed tears in my eyes, but I knew they wouldn't fall. "I'm alright" I said, and hugged her tighter. The thought of my parents together again calmed me in a way I would have thought impossible yesterday. I turned my head and looked at the sun streaming through the window and today I could smile.
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