See Spot Slither"
By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.
If SOMEBODY can explain to me WHY Disney WANTS Launchpad to be stupid so badly, NEEDS Launchpad to be stupid so badly, I would appreciate it.
If I REALLY had my druthers, I'd make Launchpad such a GREAT pilot, (have him break several well-known laws of physics to help and rescue people until Sir Isaac Newton is rolling over in his grave) it would be funny. But those would be "sight gags" and I can't pull that off without pictures. And I don't want to push Disney too far.
This is based on a Donald Duck book I saw once. This wild otter or beaver was running around loose while Donald was sightseeing with the boys in Washington, DC. I changed it to a snake to keep it from being too much like "Scrooge's Pet". I changed it to Launchpad because I love him, and besides, even Disney didn't have Donald being the slightest bit willing to risk his neck trying to keep the furry thing from being hurt. I think he caught the silly thing by accident.
("Scrooge's Pet": now, that's one episode where Webby being the hero would of made sense, she's good with animals and could of gotten Lucky to come to her of his own free will. Since Lucky is a pet and not a wild animal, that would be OK.)
One day, Launchpad was taking the Junior Woodchucks on a field trip to a museum.
I was coming along to help keep them in line. I had brought my camera, intending to just use it to take souvenir pictures with. Dufus had, however, snuck a live snake in his knapsack. It was SUPPOSED to be a harmless spotted garter snake named "Spot". (1)
He had bought the snake to impress other boys; only a harmless- nay, beneficial- little green garter snake, did NOT impress them. So he snuck it into his knapsack hoping to scare Webby with it. ( 2 )
"Now, kids- this is a TWO hour bus ride. PLEASE, no "Are we there yet?" We won't get there for two hours, ok?" Launchpad said.
So, naturally as soon as the bus left its parking space, I said: "Are we there yet?"
Everybody laughed, ESPECIALLY Launchpad.
"Sorry, honey. But you said the KIDS shouldn't say that. I'm not a kid." I said.
"You're a big kid." Launchpad said.
"You should talk! You're a bigger one! But that one of the multi-numerous reasons I love you. You've never lost the heart of a child, yet you're an adult." I said.
"He is?" asked Webby.
"Yes, dear. Launchpad accepts the responsibility for his own actions. That is the mark of an adult. (And there are some very old children in the world!) He even accepts the responsibility for other people's actions when they can - or will- NOT. That is the mark of a special person." I said.
Now these going-ons distracted Dufus, and he got interested in the scenery thru the window, and Webby was sitting no place near him- so he forgot about the snake. It somehow managed to escape from the knapsack. Dufus did not realize that until after we had arrived and the bus had been parked. Dufus saw the snake slither away from the bus.
"Oh, no! My pet garter snake is escaping!"Dufus said.
A perfect stranger, who had witnessed all this spoke up:
"Garter snake, my sainted Aunt Tillie! Permit me to introduce myself : I am Dr. Herbert Tologist, I am an expert on lizards and snakes. I work at this museum." (3)
"I can tell you that snake is NOT a harmless garter snake. It IS an extremely dangerous snake. It is a rare East Indian Speckled Band Swamp Adder (4) it is perhaps the most poisonous snake on the planet! What in the world were you doing with such a dangerous pet, young man?" He asked Dufus.
"The kid who sold it to me told me it was a harmless garter snake! His dad smuggles- er- imports snakes to the US." Dufus said.
"His father must of lied to the boy. Importing such snakes is highly illegal. He undoubtally feared getting in trouble with the law if his son spoke of owning or importing such a snake." Dr. Tologist said.
"But wouldn't he remove the snake's poison sac or something to make it harmless? If he intended to sell as a pet..." Launchpad began.
"Young man, it is the snake poisonous nature that makes it highly sought as a pet. Harmless, it would be worthless."
"People buy that kind of snake as a PET BECAUSE they are deadly? And I'M supposed to be stupid?" Launchpad asked.
"Can you tell me how to catch such a snake, without getting bitten?" (5) Launchpad asked.
"Like most animals, snakes are afraid of people and are more likely to flee than bite, if given a choice. It will bite you, if you scare it badly enough- so stay a safe distance from it. Especially the "business end". Dr. Tologist began.
"This is an Indian snake, a swamp adder and is most comfortable in hot, wet climate. If you can drive it to someplace cold - especially a dry cold- it will go into hibernation." Dr. Tologist finished.
"I suppose I could use a broom to chase it...Boys? Webby? Got any ideas on how I can herd the snake without getting bitten?" Launchpad asked.
"I wouldn't use a broom if I were you. That would just make it mad and snakes are slippery. It could slip past your guard and bite you. I saw a rubber snake on a nylon thread in the gift shop brochure in the museum package you handed out. One looks just like Dufus' pet. Maybe if you dangled the rubber snake in front of it, it would think it's a lady snake and follow it? Assuming Dufus's snake is a boy- think I can tell?" Webby said.
"It is a male and I can tell. I have many rare snake samples in my lab at the museum, including pheromones from a female Speckled Band Swamp Adder. You can spray the rubber snake with them, otherwise, it won't fool the real male snake for one minute- rubber does not smell like snake." Dr. Toligist said.
"Is there a refrigerator I can lure it into- in the cafeteria's back room, maybe?" Launchpad asked.
"It is a ordinary large refrigerator- not a walk-in- the snake could not get into it's door- it's off the floor and the refrigerator is too slick for it to climb."
Just then, other people spotted the speckled snake.
"Snake!" they screamed and they started to panic.
"It's only my pet snake, Spot! We're trying to recapture him." Dufus said.
"Oh." they said and calmed down, somehow assuming a pet snake would be harmless. Especially one named "Spot".
"That was very clever, Dufus- keeping them from panicking like that." said Launchpad, quietly.
"It's not like I lied." Dufus said.
"We're trying to catch Spot the pet snake before he gets hurt (and before he hurts somebody)...if you could please stay out of our way so he doesn't get scared, we'd appreciate it. Even a harmless pet snake will bite if you scare it badly enough (and if it's got teeth) and even a non-poisonous snake bite can be dangerous." Launchpad said.
That speech proved to be unnecessary, people had lost interest when they found out it was a PET snake. Assuming it was no more dangerous than a dog, they went about their business and let the "Ducktales" gang alone.
Dufus was elected to watch the snake from a safe distance and keep an eye on it. The rest of the gang went with Dr. Tologist to his office, in the museum. Once in his office, Dr. Tologist sprayed the rubber snake with the right pheronomes. And gave them a cage to put it in, once they caught it. But when they got back to where they last saw the real snake, Spot had vanished!
"Dufus, you were supposed to keep an eye on Spot!" Huey said.
"I did! He was basking in the sun on that rock right next to the emergency exit of the Museum. He was eating flies and I hoped it would get sleepy and doze off and we could catch him with no problem. So I backed off before I made it too nervous to sleep. But then the door opened up and he slithered right into the Museum before I could stop him!" Dufus said.
"We got to catch him before he bites somebody!" Launchpad said. They ran into the Museum.
"Stop that - that Reptile Robber!" screamed Scrooge McDuck.
"Mr.McD? What are you doing here?" Launchpad asked. "I was delivering a Gemstone (5) that I am donating to the Museum. But that snake tried to swallow it- and now it's getting away- Gemstone and all!' Mr. McDuck said.
"It's the Sixth Napoleon Pearl (7) that it's swallowed. There are five other matching pearls, once owned by Napoleon that Flintheart Glomgold now owns. He'd do anything to get the Sixth Pearl, but I found it first! I was donating it to the Museum for the tax break and so trying to keep Flintheart from stealing it would be THEIR headache."(8) Mr. McDuck said.
"Why would a snake swallow a Gemstone for? Do they like bright objects, like some birds do?" Dewey asked.
"It's a pearl- white and round. It probably thought it was an egg." Dr. Tologist said. (9)"We are also in luck. The hard pearl has gotten stuck halfway down the snake's gullet. It can neither swallow it nor cough it up. Which means it can't bite anybody, either."
"That ought to make it easier to lure it someplace cold and dry without getting bitten" Launchpad said.
"What about the fire extinguishers? Could we spray it with one? They blast cold foam." Mr. McDuck asked.
"Oh no! Such foam is poisonous- in its current state, the snake would choke to death! And it is a very rare snake." Dr Tologist said.
"I don't like hurting animals even if they are common. Even if snakes are not exactly my favorite animals." Mr. McDuck said.
"Nor mine!" chimed in Launchpad, remembering a certain river snake all too well.
"Will you help us capture the snake, Dr. Tologist?" Launchpad asked.
"Me? Stick MY neck out trying to capture a highly venomous snake? Of course not. I hire people to do that. Mostly students. Then study them once their venom has been neutralized. I am far too important a person to risk MY life." Dr Tologist (10)
So Launchpad and Mr. McDuck went after the snake. They quickly found it, flopping like a fish out of water, trying to get rid of the pearl stuck halfway down his "throat"- it was too big and too hard for it to swallow and it never needed to cough anything up before, it wasn't designed for that. It's a little hard to feel sorry for a poisonous snake, but in this case they made an exception.
Mr. McDuck carefully crept up to it and stuck his cane in its mouth, forcing the top part of its jaw to open up as wide as it could. Launchpad crept behide it and slapped it on it's back, gave it a gentle squeeze just below where the Gemstone was caught, then massaged it upwards. These variations on the Heimlich Maneuver actually WORKED!
The Pearl shot out of the snake's mouth like a bullet out of a gun. And Mr. McDuck ran after the Pearl. Spot, naturally, got away.
"Mr. McDuck!" Launchpad said, reproachfully.
"Oh! Sorry, Launchpad, I honestly thought you had a tight grip on the snake. I haven't officially given that Gemstone to the Museum yet-I PROMISED it to them and I'm still responsible if it gets stolen." Mr. McDuck said, shamefaced that his greed got the better of him for a moment there.
"You ever try to keep a tight grip on a snake? It's not easy!" Launchpad said.
"Well, let's go after it." Mr. McDuck said. And they did.
They saw Spot disappear into the Wild Animal display. Various Wild animals from all over the world were stuffed and mounted in it. Launchpad saw all this and got an idea. He went into the section on East Indian animals and "borrowed" an animal from a display.
Spot soon found itself in a narrow hallway- and in front of him was a mongoose. The mongoose was stuffed and mounted, but Spot didn't know that. He took one look at the snake-killer and retreated. Launchpad was waiting at the end of the hallway with the open cage. Spot saw him and the cage and tried to retreat.
But Mr. McDuck had entered the hallway from the opposite direction and moved the stuffed mongoose so it LOOKED as if the mongoose itself had moved. (11)
Spot panicked and the next thing he knew, he was locked up in the cage, nice and safe.They took him to Dr. Tologist who looked at it from a safe distance, then more closely.
"I don't believe it! This is NOT a rare speckled band swamp adder at all! It is a previously undiscovered species- a MOCK speckled band swamp snake! It's not poisonous at all! It LOOKS almost exactly like a speckled band swamp adder to ward off predators. Just like the Viceroy butterfly looks almost indistingushable - even to an expert- to the terrible tasting Monarch Butterfly."
"My boy, this is a rare find. Would you consider donating him to the museum for study? It's not every day a new species of animal is discovered, despite the fact there are still many, many of them." Dr. Tologist asked Dufus. Naturally, Dufus agreed.
And Mr. McDuck donated that Pearl to the Museum, too.
Soon Spot was in a nice comfy enclosure at the museum's zoo. It was much bigger and nicer than his old cage. And a plaque stating that the snake was a gift from one RUFUS duck was next to the enclosure. Dr. Tologis apologized to Dufus for the "typo", but Dufus looked thoughtful. For oblivious reasons, he disliked his name, but his mom would never let him change it- naming him "Dufus" was his late father's idea of a joke. But this was only a one letter change and he hoped he MIGHT talk his mom into it.
The End.
1)Dufus wanted a dog. His mom said no. Not every mom would prefer a snake to a dog, but not every mom would let her only son be named "Dufus", either.
(2)If some male out there can explain to me why that sort of thing is supposed to endear a female to him, I would greatly appreciate it. Most people don't like being annoyed. They find it annoying.)
(3)Listen "Darkwing Duck" did dumb name puns like that all the time. Dr Sara Bellum. Dr. Rhonda Dendrum. Etc. I DO love lousy puns. And I've been re-reading "Regarding the fountain", a little gem of a book by Kate Klise, chock full of bad name puns.
(4) Bad Sherlock Holmes Joke. See the "Adventure of the Speckled Band" , in "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes" by Doyle.
Did you know in Holmes' time, people with big heads were automatically assumed to be smart? Holmes once deduced a guest who left his hat behide had to be very intelligent from his hat... "That the man was highly intellectual was oblivious on the face of it... it is a question of cubic capacity, a man with so large a brain must have something in it.": I.E. his head was much bigger than Holmes'. "The Blue Carbuncle" ( a carbuncle is a garnet, which is usually red) "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
(5) Forgive me as I return to the great old days of yesteryear when the experts just gave the Heroes advice and information and nobody expected such Big Brains to do anything braver than cross the street without their Mommies. That wasn't THEIR job and nobody had a problem with that.
(6) Free plug to Gemstone comics, who are publishing Disney stuff. How about thinking about a NEW "Ducktales" comic? If you insist on making Launchpad out to be an idiot, forget I said anything. If "New Year's Daze" is the best you can do, PLEASE forget I said anything.
(7) Another Sherlock Holmes joke. "The adventure of the Six Napoleons".
(8) Thanks to Anna McNarin for her suggestions, I wanted to put Mr. McDuck in this story and couldn't figure out how.
(9)OK, so I was wrong. Reptile eggs are usually oval, too. I saw a nature special where a turtle was laying round eggs and I assumed most reptile eggs are round
(10) Why Disney seems to assume most people would be perfectly willing to risk their lives for perfect strangers is beyond me. I find it hard enough to get most people to do their job, never mind anything extra.
(11)So Launchpad's read "Rikki Tikki Tavi". Several times.
New Year's Daze", my version.
In Gemstone's Uncle Scrooge# 349 "Uncle Scrooge" ,the "New Year Daze" story: Launchpad isn't depited as stupid in it. He's "developmental disabled".
He makes Bubba look bright. WHY does Gemstone/Disney keep DOING that? I would of bought the stupid comic if they treated Launchpad decently, but why would they want to do THAT for?
At least I had fun rewriting it.
The "Ducktales bunch went to a New Years party/mini vacation at Mr. McD's mountain lounge. Launchpad drove them there, since Daisy did NOT want Donald driving against everybody-trying-to-get-away-for-a-three-day-weekend traffic. My, my I wonder WHY. Donald Duck with "road rage" is NOT a pretty sight.
Only the Beagle Boys were using Mr. McD's Mountain Lounge as a hideout (to "get even" with Mr. McD). A fight ensues when the Ducktales bunch find the Beagle boys there. The Beagle boys flee minus loot, food and shelter . Launchpad is left with a lovely shiner, a parting "gift" from Bicep Beagle. (I'll kiss it and make it better, Launchpad love!)
Donald says: "Let the Beagles run! It's cold and it's snowing. The snow will cover their tracks. There are any number of empty cabins in all directions the Beagle Boys could hid out in. Besides, we're on vacation"
But the Beagle Boys are mad at losing "their" cabin.
"We was there first!" they say.
To get rid of the Ducktales Ducks, the Beagles set off an avalanche. Donald panics and runs down, Launchpad picks him up and runs left. So does everybody else. They run till they reach a huge,tall, wide rockface that blocks the avalanche.
"Why did you pick me up for?" Donald screams at Launchpad
"You were running down. The avalanche would of caught up with you. You gotta run left or right in an avalance. This ain't the first avalance I've been caught in, ya know." Launchpad explained.
The Ducktales gang find two Beagles buried in the avalanche they helped set off and dig them out. The ungrateful Beagles push their rescuers in the snow and run off to join their brothers.
However, the snow from the avalanche is covering up a frozen river and the Beagles run across said snow, not realizing what lies underneath. The snow is heavy and so are the Beagles. The ice breaks and the Beagles fall in.
The Ducktales Ducks form an avian chain to reach the Beagles, heaviest to lightest, but it's not long enough- until the other Beagles come out of hiding to rescue their brothers.
Soon, all are at the lounge, near a roaring fire, drinking hot cocca and eating cookies- till the cops come to cart the Beagles off. "I was willing to let you run and "forget" about you using my Uncle's lounge as a hide-out- till you tried to kill us!" Donald said.
The End.
What do you think of my version? If you LIKE Launchpad as an idiot, BUY THE COMIC!
I'm trying to prove to stubborn Disney that their fans DON'T like Launchpad as a moron. If I'm wrong, fine, buy the comic!
If fans LIKED Launchpad as a moron, they would buy the comics! ESPECIALLY, with me telling people about these comics! Disney should LIKE me pluging Gemstone.