This is a conscious thought/drabble from Robins POV. It sounds a bit whiny in places, but it's not supposed to, it's supposed to be an honest 'this is how I feel and I could care less what the rest of the world thinks' self reflection. Sometimes the truth isn't what we want to hear, but then again the truth hurts.
Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans, if I did, I would be rich and my stories would be on TV rather than here.I'm supposed to be one of the good guys. I know I'm part of the Titans, but I also know what I'm capable of.
I'm greedy, I want her all to myself. I get mad when Beastboy somehow gets her to laugh, I want to be the only one who can do that. I can't stand it when she is helping Cyborg with the T-car, I know there's nothing going on between them, but I want her to spend time with me. And, don't get me started on the resident princess, the only one who has ever been invited to meditate with her, that is time I could be admiring her in one if the most peaceful states of mind I've ever seen.
I can't stand being away from her. Once she left to visit Azarath, and after 2 days I couldn't stand not being near her. I went to her room just to remind myself she was coming back; I ended up sleeping curled up on top of her covers holding her pillow just because it still held her smell. When we have to split up during a mission, it tears me apart to watch her go the other way, sometimes I catch myself watching her until she gets out of sight before I remember I have something I need to do.
People see Cyborg as the "big brother" protective one on our team, and they may very well be right. But, he has limits to what he'd do for us, I have yet to think of something I would even hesitate to do for her. I know I've done stupid things that put myself in harms way, just to protect her. I became Slade's apprentice for crying out loud, because SHE was in danger. I have faced a full fledged demon, because he was threatening to take her away.
Another thing I've thought about is my desire to kill Slade; I think my sense of duty would keep me in check and I'd somehow resist. But that desire is nothing compared to what I'm talking about. I've thought about what I'd do in different situations, the worst case scenario I can come up with is Slade kidnapping and threatening to kill one of us. I've ran the idea over in my head with each of my teammates, and you know what usually happens? I get pissed, say I'm going to kill Slade, then regain my composure and lead the remaining Titans to rescue the one that's missing from our ranks. I thought about it once and only once, 'what if it was her?'. The reason I only thought about it once is because of the things I could see myself doing. Let's just say that Slade would deserve sainthood compared to what I would do to him.
I'm only scared of two things: loosing her, and what I'd do if I did. That's why I hide behind a charade of anger and the obsessive compulsive quest to stop Slade. I don't want to find my limits, because I'm not sure I'd be one of the good guys anymore. That is also why no one can ever know, not even her.