Alaric's P.O.V

Elena is dead.

There. I said it.

She's dead and she will never come back. And… ugh, no it's not the end of the world people, but does that mean I can't feel like crap?

I was her guardian. My job was literally to keep an eye on her. Making sure she was, you know, living. That… she was lucky. But what did I do? I pushed my responsibility into the hands of two traumatized vampire brothers who can't even stand each other, I married the woman I love and left Elena, who was already living a messed up life with her depressive brother, just alone; like a selfish teenager.

I thought she could manage.

Honestly, I never even thought about it, never wondered if she could manage… I just, I just assumed that… I never… Damn. I messed up and have yet another huge mistake that will haunt me forever. When will I actually fully grow up?

And Jeremy… he looked up to me, felt safe with me around. The image he had of me, it's completely ruined. Unfixable, now.

The Salvatore brothers always were prepared to die to save Elena's precious human life. They were in love with her, maybe I'm not even half as crushed as they are. Maybe I'm being selfish again.

And Bonnie, she lost her witch powers countless times… just for her best friend. Caroline has done her part in Elena's protection, too and even Jeremy… Well, if we allowed him to.

Jenna died, a lot of people had to die. Bad people, good people. And… I tried, but in the end Elena Gilbert couldn't be saved. We did do everything to keep her alive; we fought against our biggest enemies, the most dangerous villains, most feared villains, but we didn't foresee it this time, because Elena lost her life to the enemy we honestly didn't worry about at all. We didn't suspect it at all. Never even thought about it… well, I never did and that's what made this enemy the worst of all. Elena lost her life, because she took it herself. She was her own worst enemy.

—

The delicious smell of pancakes entered my nose. I grabbed the small black notebook, I just was writing in, and hid it underneath the bed. That's when Jo, my wonderful now-wife, walked in. 'I saw that.' She smiled beautifully as she approached me and planted a soft kiss on my nose. 'I made pancakes for you.'

'I know. Thank you.'

I hugged her and dug my nose into her soft black locks. We sat down on the bed then and she held my hand. 'I didn't know you were actually going to use that… notebook.' She whispered boring her big eyes into mine.

'You know what they say; writing your feelings down is good for the mind.'

She glanced quickly at me and just as I was about to give her a reassuring smile she looked away.

'Alaric. Is this about Elena again?'

'You know I can't lie to you,' I said standing up. 'It is about Elena, yes.'

Jo shook her head slowly. 'I know you were her guardian and that you cared about her a lot, but it isn't your fault. She never seemed depressed to you.

There were no signs, you told me, then how could you know?

You haven't failed, Alaric. You just couldn't prevent something you weren't aware of.

It's been four months now. You need to move on.'

Anger started to boil inside of me. 'You can't just decide that for me. You have no idea what I'm going trough!'

She pulled a serious face. 'I can imagine.' She replied softly afterwards.

I sighed and took her hand. I intertwined my fingers with hers and looked her in the eye, but that feeling in the pit of my stomach didn't go away.

I felt warmth and love, but it didn't overpower the adrenaline.

She didn't experience the loss like I did, she isn't miserable like I am, she doesn't have that urge…

I was taking a huge risk, but if she's the one she'll understand.

I was Elena's guardian and I may not have failed by not knowing that she wanted to commit suicide, but if I wanted to not fail completely, I have to find out why 'it' happened and who were the people that were involved.

When I know everything: that's when I can and will… move on and that's when Stefan, Damon, Caroline, Bonnie, Matt, Jeremy and everyone else who knew Elena and cared about her can move on, too. That's when we can all put it behind us.

I planted a kiss on Jo's forehead and stroke trough her hair. 'I love you.' I said and then I quickly walked over to the door. I can't handle much more sadness.

'The last thing I want to do is ruin the first day of our honeymoon, but I want it to be an unforgettable experience and that's not possible when I'm grieving.'

Jo frowned and stood up, but before she could say something, I spoke again: 'There's something I need to do before I can accept Elena's death and move on and since I'm the only one who's still grieving it's best if I go alone. Forgive me, Jo. I have to do this.

I don't know what awaits me or when I'm done, but as soon as I am, I'll come back to you.

I hope you'll understand.'

Then I left. I waited on the other side of the door for a few seconds, but she didn't come after me.

I knew she understood. No matter how badly she wanted me to move on and to focus on our marriage, she still let me leave.

It was reassuringly. There was nothing keeping me here now, I was ready to go and the first person on my list was of course … Stefan.

STEFAN SALVATORE (Alaric's P.O.V)

The door of the Boarding house swung open and there stood Stefan. He looked… well… not very good. I haven't spoken to him since the day that Elena committed suicide. I have no idea how he's been doing, how he's been handling. I started to feel ashamed, but with Elena's death being almost completely my fault, nobody would be surprised anymore if I screwed up, I thought.

Though, as soon as I thought it, it scared me. I was becoming a miserable copy of Damon…

I focused on the vampire in front of me again, who once had the most friendly and familiar face and now seemed like a stranger to me. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair was messy, his clothes were reeking and his facial hair was like a jungle on his face. The part of his face that was visible had an unhealthy colour and his yellow fangs were resting on his bottom lip. Honestly, he looked disgusting. At least I was still taking care of myself.

As soon as he realized, I was someone he had known in his life… once, a crooked smile appeared on his face and the fangs disappeared. 'You're lucky, Alaric Saltzman.' He said with a very unfamiliar deep voice. 'I didn't open the door anymore. Rebekah made me today, so perfect timing, dude.'

'Thanks, dude.' I mumbled. 'Rebekah is here?' I asked quickly. I mean, come on. Rebekah?…

'Yeah,' he replied, throwing his head back in amusement. 'Come in, man.'

I walked into the, once so familiar boarding house and the emotions started overwhelming me. I was so oblivious before! I thought we had the most miserable lives ever. Trying to survive everyday. Trying to keep this town safe.

Every day we had new problems, every day loved ones died.

Constantly, new vampires, werewolves, hybrids, witches, immortals, originals…

Now I realize that we survived that lifestyle because we were together. All of us going trough the same and now… we're safe, we're just fine, all of us on our own and we're supposed to be happy… because this is the life that we all wanted. A normal life. Well… I'm barely alive and I'm sure as hell not happy.

Stefan hobbled towards the living room and sat down on the couch patting the spot next to him. I noticed his movements were shaky. He looked like an old man. It was like he started aging and the wrinkles that appeared on his miserable face as he smirked at me, made me actually believe it.

I sat down on the couch on the opposite of his, turning his invitation down, and inspected his face suspiciously. He raised his eyebrows.

'So, Ric. How you doin'?'

His words came out sickly sarcastically. I took a breath and looked around the room. Some things have obviously changed.

'Well, I've been better.'

Stefan rolled his eyes dramatically. 'Ah man, life's too short. Way too short.'

'So um, how are you?'

I watched him intently as he grabbed a glas, containing a small amount of wine, off the table and took a sip: his jaw dropped immediately. For a second it looked like he was choking, but then he was dead quiet and his eyes spat fire.

'Vervain.' he stated viciously. 'That bitch is dead.'

He stormed up the stairs.

He left me, sitting uncomfortably on that couch. What he said reminded me of Damon, but when Stefan said it; it was just… tasteless… fake, he tried too much. He isn't like this.

I sighed and blinked a couple times, trying to adjust to the situation I was in.

Stefan was messed up. I could imagine perfectly what he had done after Elena's death. He couldn't handle the pain and instead of flipping his humanity switch, he chose to lock himself up in his house without any interruption of the outside world and he started to live a disgustingly unhealthy life.

The second I walked in, I was worried that he had let himself change into someone he was not, without realizing it, but then I figured that this is all an act. He was trying to be someone else. Someone who didn't have to suffer the loss of the girl he loved immensely.

I frowned as I heard someone making pleading sounds. It was a girl.

'Stefan!' I yelled accusingly. I ran up the stairs and then approached, the bedroom where the pleads seemed to come from, slowly.

I hesitated for a couple seconds and finally pulled the door open with great force.

I immediately regretted coming in, observing the scene in front of me; Rebekah was laying on the bed with Stefan hovering over her, but when I looked better I saw there was something wrong.

Stefan then pulled her hair aggressively, completely ignoring my arrival. 'I'm going to kill you,' He hissed. Rebekah firmly closed her eyes, muttering something I didn't catch.

I pushed Stefan off the bed with all my strength and rushed over to the blonde vampire.

'Are you okay?' I asked out of breath. I felt awkward, confused and very disturbed.

My confusion doubled after Stefan and Rebekah ended the uncomfortable silence by bursting into laughter.

'That was just stupid.' Rebekah said in her usual disapproving voice while wiping the tears off her cheeks. She stood up and pushed me aside. I felt like a fool.

Stefan was crying too now and he buried his face in a pillow, still laughing, his whole body shaking. He was punching the bed and let out some ridiculous cries. I heard something like: seriously…. thought… , and then some more laughter.

Rebekah shrugged and slapped my back, which kind of hurt… actually.

'You're innocent… and old.' She then whispered in my ear; 'That's kind of disgusting.'

I wasn't following what was happening anymore so I just ignored the annoying girl and continued to wonder about the vampire in front of me who was pulling his hair out of his head while still laughing like crazy, he who used to be my friend.

Before, I would have died for him. I trusted him more than any other vampire.

Now, I was disgusted by him and his new life.

'Stefan?' I started. I dreaded this conversation, but oh well.

He exhaled loudly and wiped the last tears of his face. 'That was hilarious.'

I swallowed and walked closer to him.

'I don't know what happened to you and honestly it's up to you, because you don't seem bothered by this lifestyle, but if I can't even have a normal talk with you, you're not going to be of any use. And this is important, because I'm-

'You seriously expect me to care?' He interrupted me both sarcastically and calmly.

'I choose to be like this. You, Damon, anyone, whatever, for the last time; I'm. Not. Going. To. Change. Alright? I'm liking it this way.'

'Damon visited you.' I stated in disbelief.

I hadn't seen Damon in a long time. He just disappeared after Elena's death and I didn't get to talk to him. I figured it would hurt him the most. Damon has been trough a lot and he isn't exactly a champion at handling, managing.

I never expected him to ever come back to Mystic Falls. I assumed Elena's death was a goodbye.

Maybe that's another reason why this affected me so much, but why… why would he try to fix his brother. He should be crushed himself. So crushed that…

'Uhuh…' Stefan replied nodding his head ridiculously slow. He was a toddler now?

'Damon tried to help me,' Stefan snickered.

'I told him he'd help me best if he never showed his face again. He's a walking and talking reminder of all the misery I've been trough. It's time for me to live a little.'

He grabbed Rebekah by the hair and sunk his fangs into the skin of her neck.

They feed on each other now?!

'You're pathetic Stefan!' I shouted in disbelief. 'You think everyone is always going to be there when you mess up? Ready to help you? Well, Damon apparently tried, but you ruined that perfectly. You need to fix yourself. You need to sense it yourself when you're taking the wrong path. You should be more careful with yourself, because you're on your own now.'

He didn't listen to me of course. He's gone way too far. No good people around him to remind him of a good life anymore.

'Ouch! Enough, you sucker, it's my turn.' Rebekah yelled at him and she kicked his legs making him fall and let go of her.

She yanked him off the floor, locks of his hair tightly wrapped around her fingers and she buried her face now in his neck.

Stefan groaned feeling her feeding on him and then he chuckled looking up at me.

'You were saying, Ric?'

He spoke, the words rolling off his tongue, like a serpent.

Maybe he did flip his humanity switch off. Well… there's only one way to find out.

I said down on the bed and looked in his furious, filled with hatred green orbs as I asked him about Elena.