A/N: Read at you're own risk for absolute devastation. And i'm sorry.

Disclaimer: I'm just writing the fanfic dear.

It was a day after Monica and Chandlers engagement and despite what had previously happened Rachel couldn't help but feel exasperated from the entire situation. Ruining Monica's night hadn't been her intentions— She wouldn't dream of it! And neither was getting everyone so worked up over a silly little kiss that was her fault entirely.

She hadn't expected anyone to barge in on her moment of weakness, or even thought about it. Thinking before doing wasn't her top priority last night. She was desperate and just so utterly depressed by her moment of truth —"...But you getting married just reminds me of the fact that i'm not. I'm not even close"— That she had turned to the one person she knew could make her feel better no matter how stupid it was. She was selfish, how could she had been so inconsiderate of her actions? At the time all she could think about was the empty feeling in her chest that was slowly ebbing to her heart and ripping her apart

Of course it wasn't just about her, it was about Monica and Chandler if anything. They where getting Married. And they'd been together two years...

She had no one, hadn't for a while now. No one that she felt so connected to as Monica and Chandler did to each other. could you blame her for being just a little jealous of how perfect their lives where?

There's only been one person and that had ended in so much agony she doubted that she could do that again.

And that's the one thing she also forgot to consider that night. Ross. Now thinking back on it she just kept wondering how she could do that to him, was she really so inconsiderate of his feelings?

Hence, today Rachel Green didn't feel like the best person in the world, or even worthy of being a person. Even though Monica had forgiven her, she knew what she had done was horrible, just horrible. And she didn't even apologize to Ross, or even spare him a second thought as she fought desperately against her best friend.

She leaned against the counter and sighed, the guilt lathering her soul.

He'd been following her around like a lost puppy the whole night and she didn't consider him once. Oh, that just made her feel even worse!

Stupid stupid stupid! How could you that to Monica, to Ross.

Had she wanted it to happen?

In the spur of the moment that's all she could actually think about, especially when those hands where all over her, and his lips where pressed her against hers moving in comforting familiarity...

Then the door flew open and she thew him aside, completely obvious of his feelings when hers where overruling to powerfully.

Rachel buried her head in her hands, ashamed. The feeling pierced in her heart was familiar yet she couldn't place it. To exhausted with emotions to try, she let it wash over her.

A strangled sound erupted from her. Removing her hands from her face, she placed one her heart. The sound was distressed and broken, flowing from the bottom of her chest.

She tried to swallow the lump that had formed in her throat and let out a small gasp. Without her permission she cried out again, a louder one this time.

Before she knew it she was sobbing uncontrollably, the sounds hiccuping from her throat. Soon the cries turned hoarse and the feeling was so familiar and it hurt. Why had she felt this so many times before, yet she couldn't place the feeling with anything as her vision blurred with an oncoming river of tears.

All she could think was

Stupid stupid stupid!

It was on repeat like a jammed record that only played a haunting song.

She wanted it to stop but she didn't know what had brought it to such a drastic level, and the sobs that where escaping her terrified her —When was she capable of making sounds so distraught and despairing.

Her hand clutched her throat in attempt to restrain the cries. The blood in her neck pumped warm though its veins, and she could feel her shuddering heartbeat under the pads of her fingers. Her throat vibrated violently as each sob rippled through her.

When the handle turned she snapped out of her trance, but it was all to late before she decided to turn away in panic.

"Rach, have you see Jo-" Ross's question slipped from his lips, and everything crashed around him in earsplitting silence. Rachel peered up at him with blood shot eyes swimming in tears. She had let out a sob and glanced as he strode in, her face crumpled in panic and she spun around concealing her face from his.

"H-hey Ross." She said, mustering up a fake cheery voice. Ross knew better though has her words shook and her voice cracked laced with pain. Her shoulders shook as she sniffled and turned back, a smile that deemed only more depression as it quivered across her lips.

Her facade didn't last long and her expression twisted, the tears leaking down her cheeks once more.

"What happened?" Ross whispered, his heart throbbing with pain with each cry that left her lips. It broke him completely to see Rachel shattered, the gleam in her eyes dimmed. Anger flared through him as he thought of someone being the reason of her hurt.

It reminded him of when he found her weeping in Monica's apartment because everything was changing.

He wanted to cry himself at her distraught, he wanted to scream at whatever had done this too her. The feeling was so overwhelming he stepped forwards with no hesitation and pulled her into his arms.

Fingers wove into his hair and clung to him —It only made the feeling worsen. She was sobbing into his chest, holding so tightly onto him that he feared if he let go she would crumple into a heap of nothing on the ground.

He whispered sweet nothings to her and she whimpered back 'I know's and 'Thank you's

Tears prickled in his own eyes, and he hugged her protectively, trapping her against him. Rachel buried her head deeper against him breathing the scent that was only Ross as her crying began to soften.

By far it was the worse sound he had ever heard in his life, and it broke him.

It reminded him of when he broke her heart— They was the exact same cries.

And she must have been thinking the same thing as she finally knew what had been so familiar. And she knew why she was reminded when he walked in.

It was being so broken hearted that everything meant nothing and she was completely lost.