Disclaimer: All to the DEH writers, absolutly nothing to me.
Warnings: English is not my first language. Unrequited Crush. Connor dies.
... So, i was listening the songs and wanting to write something but being unable to, because, Connor is dead and the Gay is kinda not real because of it.
and then it hit me.
you can always make the gay real.
in this case, sad gay.
Will I Ever Make a Sound?
Evan is a weird guy. He is quiet and shy and always looks too awkward on his own feet and for some reason Connor likes him even though he doesn't understand why.
Maybe because he is a freak as well.
Does Evan thinks he is crazy? Just like everyone else does?
He probably doesn't even pay attention to him at all, too busy trying to make himself small to realize the way Connor looks at him, but it's not like they ever talk. It is weird, they are classmates, they should talk, but Connor doesn't do many things that he should do. And at the end of the day he doesn't really want to talk with Evan, because he doesn't want him to consider him crazy, not him.
&.
Drugs aren't the best but they turn off everything bad and increase everything good and losing those disgusting feelings is a good thing and he doesn't want to stop.
But it's not like he doesn't hate how he treats his family, how he treats his sister. God it is so fucked up. It is the downside of all and he hates it hates it hates it hates himself, but he isn't going to stop because why should he? It's not like his family does good to him either way. They don't care, they probably don't care for him, why should he care? At least drugs can't make him feel as bad as the disappointed look in his mother's eyes. She hates him, and he would hate himself too. He does.
&.
Evan is an idiot. He was right, he thinks he is a freak, and how dare him to laugh at his stupid friend's jokes? Drugs make him aggressive and make him backlash at the people he cares and when he realize he already threw the guy at the floor and ran away. And it sucks because he has no friends and Connor doesn't seem to have many -or so it seems- and he wants to reach at him but he feels numb, numb, numb, and how can he go close without letting people come in and look at how disgusting and angry he is on the inside? He can't let people see that, can't let Evan see that.
His sister is apologizing for him, and he almost feels shame.
&.
He sees the paper and it has Evan's name and suddenly he feels his hands sweaty and he remembers his sister's words and he decides to reach him because it's just a paper and it's not a big deal but he is still a bit nervous.
It sucks that Evan's hurt, being hurt sucks so much. Jesus, Evan is hurt and he pushed him to the floor. What a fucking jerk.
When he asks about his broken arm, it's out of genuine interest.
When he offers to sign his cast, it's out of genuine interest. How awful were Evan's friends for not signing his cast? And he suddenly feels it is his duty to show people that someone does care (is care the word?) for Evan, and he writes his name really big so everyone can sees it.
When he offers his pretended friendship, it's out of genuine interest.
&.
He is so angry at everything, all the time. His parents don't really care for him anymore, they want to change him into something he is not, and he hates it hates it hates it. His sister is there but Connor can't reach her, not after all the shit he's been throwing at her, she hates him and why shouldn't she? And Connor can't say he feels guilty because he hates hates hates how his sisters looks at him like he's crazy and why should he care about her now in all this moment? He doesn't he doesn't he doesn't and he just wants everything to stop.
Even Evan thinks he is crazy, tricking him into getting angry at him. And he was angry, angry, angry at Evan and his stupid letter and his stupid fracture and his stupid face, and he was angry at his own response because in the end he showed again that he is indeed crazy and that makes him even angrier.
And he wants to stop feeling angry, feeling crazy.
He wants to stop feeling.
"Would anyone even notice if I disappear tomorrow?" says Evan's stupid letter.
If Connor goes away, would people even care?
The answer is no, and Connor takes the next step angrier than ever.
&.
(His only regret, if he can call it so, it's not telling Evan that he would notice. He would notice if Evan went away; because they're both freaks and friendless and Connor likes him, liked him, and Connor wanted to be friends with him. He would have loved it.
But not if he thought he was crazy, like everyone else did.)
.
a/n: yea i know i hate myself too welcome to the club.
... I... find interesting that Connor killed himself after his first day of school and when he had a trouble with a classmate. It feels kinda like the last drop? Like this is the day he realized he couldn't stand this anymore. And if you add a crush on top of that like I'm pretending to do here, it gets pretty fucking angsty.
(okay but it's like... "now we can both pretend that we have friends?"? Connor was attempting to Connect™, people, and you'll take this headcanon off my cold dead hands. The way Connor interrupts Evan when he's singing "when you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around do you ever really crash or even make a-?" to ask him what happened to his arm? I can weep about it all day. That right there was Evan making a sound and Connor listening. That's so fucking beautiful. And maybe that's me reading too much into it but... but there was something about Connor and actually wanting to make an amend with Evan that makes me think they could've been friends. Those letters could've been true. And I think that it's what makes the lies really sad. Because neither had friends and they could have had each other, but they were too busy with their own inner turmoils to realize that. And sorry, I'm rambling. Should do that on tumblr. Thanks for reading, see you!).