Numb

by Johannah Jean

It's sad to know that sadness is all you'd know, but it's even sadder if you won't feel anything anymore and you'd start inflicting pain on others. Just a short piece about a character's thoughts about his emotions.

Numb

. . . .

02/21/15

. . . .

You know what's sad?

It's when you get used to it

When you start eliciting the wrong reactions

Because you got used to it

Sometimes you don't even give anything away anymore

Because you're used to it

And you have to think twice before projecting your emotions

Because you're schooled to keep them away

The mask that you constantly slip on

You can't even distinguish what's real and what's fake

And you can't remember how a genuine laughter sounds like

Because it's been a while since you heard one

And how relieving it is to have tears running down your face

Because they made you believe that tears are a sign of weakness

And you subject yourself to a self-inflicted depression

Because you need to feel something

And you'd purposely inflict pain

Because that's what reminds you that you're still human

And you'd try ways to draw some kind of reaction from yourself

Because secretly you resent the ice you've become

Each time more ruthless than the first

Because you develop tolerance even for pain

And you need something stronger than their words

Because those really don't have any effect anymore

And you learned to keep quiet

Because they'd only hear what they want to hear

They have silenced you long ago

Because you've screamed yourself raw

You don't know how to express yourself anymore

Because you've always been taught to say what's appropriate

Or don't say anything at all

And what's even sadder is that

As this go

It gets worse

Even if they stop

You really can't unlearn everything they ingrained in you

Nothing can affect you anymore

And when someone speaks of their wounds to you

You stare at then and decide for a proper response

You want to genuinely sympathize

But you've long forgotten how

So you'd just tell them what they want to hear

What's the proper things to hear

Words of promise and empty comforts

Then you'd start not caring altogether

You don't give a damn anymore

Because you're used to it

And it doesn't affect you anymore

Whatever happens

Whatever pain

Whatever pleasure

And words will just be words

And you'd want to simply cry at the sadness of it

And you scare yourself shitless

Because nothing can make you flinch anymore

You're not even afraid to inflict pain to anyone anymore

Simply because their pain can be your yours

And the way they scrunch up their face

And the sound of their screams echoes as your lullaby

It all reminds you of being human

Because it's harder to bring forth a smile

When you yourself forgot how to

When indifference becomes normal

When you simply shrug your shoulders as you say 'oh I'm used to it'

And they stare at you with horror on their faces

Or sometimes it's worse as they look at you pityingly

When you just walk past agony because you've seen it all

And that's all you've ever seen

But secretly you hope it won't be

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Good Evening dear readers!

Well it's evening in my side of the planet so please bear with me ... Anyway, this piece was originally published on another fandom though I realized that it wasn't so fitting on the character I place it on. I honestly don't have anyone in mind when I wrote this. So if you have a more fitting character in mind, please tell me and I might consider it.

As usual, comments, questions, criticism, objections are all welcomed here so feel free to voice them out.