Author's Note: This story deals with rape and its aftermath. I know this is a sensitive topic, but I have this story posted in the "Dirty Little Secret: Instant Star Fan Fiction Board" and I've recieved very positvive feedback. This story also contains two graphic sex scenes. So, please keep in mind the story rating. It is there for a reason. So, if you think you will be offended by this story, please don't read it. I'm trying to ensure my staying here in ff.n. Thank you:)

Disclaimer: The poem "Gretel in Darkness" doesn't belong to me, it belongs to Louise Glück. The lyrics belong to "Field of Innocence" belongs to Evanescence. And Instant Star belongs to CTV.

Gretel in Darkness

This is the world we wanted.
All who would see us dead
Are dead. I hear the witch's cry
Break in the moonlight through a sheet
Of sugar: God rewards.
Her tongue shrivels into gas…

Now, far from women's arms
And memory of women, in our father's hut
We sleep, are never hungry
Why do I not forget?
My father bars the door, bars harm
From this house, and it is years.

No one remember. Even you, my brother,
Summer afternoons you look at me as though
You meant to leave,
As though it never happened.
But I killed for you. I see armed firs,
The spires of that gleaming kiln---

Nights I turn to you to hold me
But you are not there
Am I alone? Spies
Hiss in the stillness, Hansel
We are there still, and it is real, real
That black forest, and the fire in earnest

--Louise Glück

…In Darkness
Chapter One

I was sitting in the studio, watching my friends as they laughed and joked and I wondered what they thought of me now. I forced a laugh and a smile, but I had been forcing them for so long that they didn't even notice the difference anymore. I watched as Kat and Jamie shared a couple moment and felt a pang of envy. But that was my fault and I had accepted that a long time ago. I nearly jumped out of my skin as I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I whipped my head up and looked into Tommy's sad eyes.

"Sorry, Jude." He said softly.

I gave him a half-assed smile. "It's okay. What's up?"

"We wanted to know if you were ready to record your vocals." He answered.

"Ummm…sure." I stood and stretched slightly.

I approached the mic and grabbed the earphones that were resting on the music stand in front of me. I put them on and exhaled heavily. This would be my first song since my…the… in three years. It would be my first new song in three years. I wet my lips and listened to the music playing back through the earphones and waited until it was time for me to sing. When I heard my cue, I opened my mouth and the words flowed out.

I still remember the world
From the eyes of child
Slowly those feelings were clouded
By what I know now
Where has my heart gone?
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything
And knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now
Where has my heart gone?
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything

Where has my heart gone?
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Oh where, where has my heart gone?
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything

I still remember…

When I stopped singing, I looked at everyone who sat around in the studio and they were all staring back at me with a mix of expressions on their face. My big boss Darius was amongst the crowd. And, of course, he had to be the first person to talk.

"Jude." He said, "The song--it's great, I love it--but, it's a little…too depressing. Your fans will want something…more upbeat."

I took the headphone from off my head and raised my eyebrows. "Upbeat? Upbeat! How the hell can I write anything upbeat! I was raped, D! What happiness can I get out of that! Damn." My voice faltered as I said 'damn'.

I threw the earphones at the Plexiglas that separated the recording booth from the mixing room and stormed out of the booth. I stomped out of the room and started down the hall when I heard Tommy's voice behind me.

"Jude! Wait, wait, honey, calm down."

I bit back a harsh laugh. Honey. He started calling me that after the rape. I think he was afraid of calling 'girl' or that he just couldn't say it anymore. Deep down, I think that his view of me changed after my rape. And it hurt me, but I hadn't told him. I stopped walking and waited for him to catch up to me. I turned around to face him and he reached out to me, to touch my face, and I carefully avoided his touch by taking his hand with mine. When I looked into his eyes, I was shocked to my core to see tears in his eyes.

"Tommy?" I asked softly, letting go of his hand and bringing my hand to his face, "What…"

"Do you blame me, Jude?" he asked, cutting me off.

"Blame you?"

"For your rape. Do you blame me for it?"

"Why would I blame you, Tommy?"

"Because I was the reason you went out into that alley…If I hadn't started a fight with you…"

I stared at him in shock. "Tommy, I would never blame you for me being raped. I am not to blame. You are not to blame…"

"Then why won't you let me touch you?" he demanded, "Why won't you let me hold you?"

"Because…" I dropped my and hand my gaze, "I'm afraid…"

"Afraid of me?" His voice broke as he got to the last word.

"Never of you, Tommy. I'm afraid of not being good enough for you."

With that confession out in the open, I turned on my heel and fled down the hallway. I didn't stop until I got to my car. I looked behind me and saw that Tommy had not followed me.