Apache 2: catch an assassin
by Alex Young
It's been exactly two months now since the time that Ranma cheated death in the form of an Apache helicopter gunship, he is in the Tendo dojo sparring with a girl by the name of Aoko Kamakirigane; the heiress to the all girls school of the mantis fist. Aoko's motives are that she seems to have a slight crush on him, and to prepare for the upcoiming battle against the all boys school of the scorpion fist's 40 year old sensei; Kuromoto Sasorigane. Ranma's main motive is to take his mind off of what had happened on that dreadful night and the day after.
Flashback #1: That night, on January 4, 2004
Blades spinning, dials and gagues illuminated, and a dangerous grin crossing his face, the helicopter pilot Kevin "Zeke" Costello was at the helm of his olive drab demon as it goes in for the kill. The copilot Jebediah "Jeb" Carmichael impatiently squeezed on the handle, and then pulled the trigger immediately on target. Then all of a sudden, the outside glass of the cockpit caught fire; almost as though hell itself had paid them a visit. Their lives started flashing before their eyes, contemplaing in what could very well be their final moments. "BRACE FOR IMPACT!" Zeke screamed. "GOODBYE OLE BUDDY!" Jeb wailed. Everything was but a blur as the whole world melted into the darkness shortly thereafter.
A four-legged, oblong figure had emerged from the shadows perpendicular to the Apache's crash course, with what looks to be prehensile arm-like fangs streching outward from its insect-like body. It hissed venomously enough to kill a Blue Whale. "Blast! I nearly had him that time!" It snarled out. As a preventative measure, long, silken tendrils shot out form the spikes on its arm-fangs, apparently altering the unconscious Zeke's and Jeb's memories. It broke its neural connections in a split second upon success, and sneered in short-lived satisfaction. "Next time we meet Ranma Saotome, you will not be so lucky." It dryly growled before it turned into a Comanche gunship and flew off in the opposite direction.
Present Day en route to Furinkan High
Ranma after his sparring session, is walking along the fence at his usual pace, but this time he's giving Akane a piggyback ride because he isn't too keen on the idea of being late just because she's absorbed in thought. "Ranma, you jerk." She whispered with a smile on her face, much appreciative of her fiance's selfless actions. Then, that familiar rining of a bicycle bell snapped the both of them back to reality. Surely enough, the energetic Chinese amazon Shampoo was there on her delivery bike. "Nihao! Special delivery for Ailen!" Sampoo giggled. "Too too delicious, no?" "Oh shit!" Akane yelped as she suddenly looked down into the waterway below. Shampoo had lost her balance in a surprised reaction to Ranma's side-stepping maneuver, falling in and turning into a cat in the process. Ranma scrambled along the chain links to school only to scream upon seeing the amazon-turned-cat as he got back up and bolted across the fence, knocking Akane out cold in the chaos.
Flashback #2: The Tendo backyard, on January 5th, 2004
Ranma was kicking ass and taking names on the bokken toting Tatewaki Kuno in the snow-capped backyard, with Ryoga and Mousse in toe. Kuno grabbed Ranma's attention with his rapid-fire sword thrusts. "Thou shalt NOT touch the lips of Akane Tendo for so long as I live HAAA-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!" Ryoga laid out his arms with interlocked fingers for Mousse to jump on. With that, Ryoga catapulted Mousse up into the air, making his move in a rabies-charged mad dash towards Ranma, he belted out "Double Bakusai Tenkestu!" Using not one, but two pointer fingers, aimed at two individual breaking points. Mousse followed up what can only be described as his part in a high flying, explosive tag-team triple attack. "Raking hawk's talon! Sonic boom impact!" He screeched as he descended from the heavens onto the space where Ranma used to be. Apparently, Ranma's timing couldn't have been better as he leap-frogged over Ryoga before Mousse executed his terminal velocity landing into the resulting explosions. Ryoga had been caught by the heel of mousse's left foot, which caused him to crumple forward. Upon learning of Ranma's successful evasion, Ryoga unleashed a "SHI SHI HOKODAAAUUGH!" When he was distracted by Happosai making a grab for Akane's undies, aghast at the sheer sight of the shriveled-up old pervert and this latest advance. The resulting lion's roar wave shot was considerably weaker than intended, and Kuno took all of the damage from the chi projectile because he had been pushed by Ranma on the chest towards it with his back legs.
Mean while, In the Tendo dining room, Soun and Genma (the latter having been doused with hot water) sip some tea to some shogi with Ranma's high-speed, low-drag, 3-on-1 cage match in the background. Happosai has disappeared after his perverse little escapade with some teenage undergarments. "Well, Saotome, I only wish that fate be any easier on you." Soun Lamented. "I second that, Tendo. That boy is really going at it with those thr-HEY! NO FAIR! I WAS JUST GONNA BEAT YOU!" Genma complained as he turned his head and noticed that the Shogi board has been turned 180o, courtesy of Soun. "Why, I'd never even think of such a thing, Saotome!" Soun retorted defensively. "Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater!" Genma shot back. "How could your betray your best friend like that!?" Soun caterwauled in response. As the fathers argued over this incident, they failed to notice that Happosai had been sneaking out into the embattled backyard. {Heh, now's my chance.} He thought upon seeing some lingerie from girl type Ranma's then feminine chest.
Ryoga and Mousse tried their team attack again, this time Ryoga used the tip of his heavyweight umbrella to search for a breaking point. The still airborne Mousse executed the same old maneuver as the last time, except maybe at terminal velocity. Both attacks hit the koi pond at the same time, creating a freezing cold geyser that triggers the jusenkyo curses from all three victims. This turns Ranma, Ryoga, and Mousse into a girl, a black piglet, and a duck respectively. The male-turned-female Ranma was knocked off balance from the resulting shockwave, slipping into the pond and ripping a huge gash across her back. "Grrroh Now look what you two made me do!" She snarled in complaint. "Start praying demon BURRA-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT" Kuno bellowed as he stabbed into the icy seraph of superchilled water, he stopped midway as it dissapeared into the pond. "Guuh, FIE! 'Tis mine Pig-tailed angel!" "Chyea, ya think?" The disconcerted "Ranko" said. "Art thou hurt anywhere?" Kuno queried as he offered his hand, which she was willing to grasp strictly because of the pain induced by her wound when she attempted this without the wannabe samurai's assistance. "Can you please get rid of these two bastards for me?" She requested in a sensual tone as she gave Kuno a dangerously sexy look reminiscent of her yandere self. She flashed her cleavage with a half-lidded stare to accentuate the glowing underwear on her chest as she sealed the gap between them. The result being that Kuno smiled all the wider as one erotic sexual fantasy after another raced past his mind as though in a formula one grand prix. Without warning, he roared "HAAAAH YEEEESSSS! I, THE BLUE THUNDER OF FURINKAN HIGH, TATEWAKI KUNO ACCEPT THY REQUEST OH PIG TAILED KITTEN!" Then Kuno suddeny changed his facial expression from a grin of elation, to a malicious one as he glared at the piglet and the duck. Both Ryoga and Mousse squealed and quacked and they struggled to free themselves from the clutches of both her left and right hands respectively. Then Happosai came arcing straight into her exposed bosom. "Nnnrrr-gyah!" Ranko promptly knee-launched both animals into the oncoming senior citizen letcher. Kuno then gave chase immediately after Happosai crashed into the swine-and-fowl bullet. Happosai was momentarily stripped of any and all consciousness, which gave Ranko the opportunity to pick up the motionless old freak and let Kuno do all the dirtywork of disposing of both animals.
Present Day on campus at Furinkan High
Ranma's morbid fear of cats had made it so that he and Akane wouldn't be late for school, for once. "Hey, Akane. Wake up, we made it." He quipped with a few light slaps on the cheek to her. Akane regained consciousness almost immediately afterwards. "We there yet, Ranma?" She gently inquired. "Yep, we're here allright." Ranma answered as he continued on towards the newly installed automated school doors. "Fell demon Ranma Saotome, get thy hands off of the angelic tigress Akane Tendo." Kuno snarled as he barreled towards the both of them. Ranma made it obvious that he learned some new tricks from his session with Aoko, as he blocked kuno's bokken strike, only to slash him in his right cheek. "Sorry, Kuno. Ain't got time for that, shit-for-brains!" Ranma replied as he leapfrogged over the whackjob of a samurai, before emitting a "Heii-YAAA!" "DO NOT ESCAPE THY DIVINE JUDGEMENT, VILE BEAST AMONG MEN!" Kuno screamed in hot pursuit of Ranma and Akane. They both made it through the doors just in time. Kuno on the other hand, wasn't so lucky as the plexiglass doors slammed shut on his face as he stepped near them, making him crash into them. Ranma let Akane down before the both of them bust a gut in derision at Kuno's plight. Ranma and Akane we're quick to praise the new system. "Well, there's one thing That the principal did for the betterment of the school." "Heh, I'll say" The latter replied before sticking her tongue out and following the former to class.
Flashback #3: The Tendo dining room
Nabiki watched her Kuno-baby slash the snow to pieces in pursuit of p-chan and mu-mu chan as she mused aloud a "Now those were some freaky flyer miles, eh you two?" "We don't know what the hell you're talkin 'bout." The still rope-bound Zeke and Jeb replied. "Oh, I am so offended right now." She deadpanned in her usual sarcastic manner. Nabiki stepped out to check on tree-borne-kettle-girl Ranma, thermos in hand. "I may get you some hot water in exchange for the old goat." She immediately took her middle sister-in-law-to-be up on her offer as she said "What's the catch?" "Oh, nothing. Just a small tax of 350 yen." "A small price to pay, so long as I got a good work out in." "Eh, no. I was referring to getting that large gash on your back treated. It could become infected." Nabiki admonished as she stroked the newly changed Ranma's back only to find him seething in pain. "Aaugh, don't do that!" Ranma barked. "Sor-ry!" She replied as she used the sheer combined weight of both helicopter pilots to get a battered, bruised, and apparently bitter Happosai pinned to the floor beneath them, in addition to one spider silk thread on each lecherous limb of his. "Fuuuuuuuh, no comment." The shirtless Ranma sighed as he laid flat on his belly at the table, awaiting whatever treatment the family and Dr. Tofu were able to offer. "Ranma, may I have a word with you in private? If you have the time." Kasumi inquired. "After I'm done with the treatment, yeah." Ranma replied. "Sorry to keep you waiting, Ranma." {Oh, no! That can't be Kodachi! Not her of all people!} He cringed in thought as he slowly opened his eyes to reveal the biggest shock of his life; It wasn't Kodachi at all, It was Akane, and she was clad in a beautiful kuro-tomesode kimono. Ranma had just recalled a few days earlier when his mother, Nodoka Saotome told Akane that If she was to be his wife, she was going to dress and act like a good and proper housewife. She even made some tea and ramen for him. "Ooooookaay." Ranma mumbled as he cautiously bit into the noodles, knowing just how horrific her cooking was in the past. "Mmmmmmm. Mmmmm. Aaaahhhh. Not bad. Not bad at all, Akane." He commented as he swallowed his first legitimately satisfying bite from Akane's cooking in a while. Akane was set aflame in gratification at this sight as Ranma took one more bite after another, just to be certain. "Ho yeah, Definitely don't taste like gasoline!" Ranma praised after he had emptied his bowl of Akane's delicious ramen.