Title: Denial
Disclaimer: I don't own MeruPuri.
Notes: For Roisin, who asked for this yesterday. I figured I'd surprise her by writing it during one of my free lessons, which I'm awfully happy to have. Since none of my friends have free lessons at the same time as me, it means that I've got fifty-minute sessions perfect for writing short stuff.
Lei is often catching himself feeling completely hopeless, and he convinces himself that it's because of his current 'situation' with the Queen. After all, why shouldn't it be that which is causing it? He's in love with Queen Veedua, and she knows it. He might even go so far as to say that she revels in it, using it to torment him like the cruel woman she is. She sends him on errands and asks him to do personal favours, even though these favours are by no means as personal as he would like. She has him on a leash, wrapped around her little finger, and she takes a sadistic joy in knowing he'll attend to her every beck and call.
Anyone else would feel hopeless in a situation like that, Lei reasons.
But, for reasons that Lei would rather not acknowledge, he's never actually felt this hopelessness when he looks at the Queen. Not even when he thinks of her. He only feels it when he sees Jeile.
He feels it when he sees Jeile doting on the peasant girl, the descendant of a traitor. He felt it throbbing away when he heard about that little incident concerning Jeile changing to his regular size with a kiss from Aram. He feels it every time he sees the matching ribbons that Jeile and Maruru wear, and he feels it with a burning sting whenever he recalls what happened the first day he met Jeile.
Lei still keeps the rose he received that day, even though it's beyond dead by now.
Perhaps it would be understandable if he felt hopeless looking at Aram, since he's the Queen's son. But Jeile's not related to Veedua by blood.
Lei prefers to think that it doesn't make any sense, much like a lot of what happens in life. But he knows, because he's not a stupid man, that it makes sense only too well.
A guard approaches him and informs him that he has been summoned by the Queen. Lei is inwardly grateful for the interruption, having not wanted those thoughts to go any further, and he makes his way hastily to the royal chambers. He doesn't let himself think of Jeile on the way.