Author: the random monkey
Date: May 30, 2002 (during AP Biology finals)
Author's notes: I've always wanted to write a bad songfic. So I did, using the song "Soy Una Pizza" (I Am a Pizza), a song my Spanish II teacher made us sing. I wrote it up and posted it during Bio finals (due to a complicated process involving AP exams, we didn't take a test and had all hour to play on the iMacs). So I just posted it, and my teacher walks over and starts reading my rough draft (written out on paper).
"Am I missing something?" she asked.
"Probably," I said.
"Shut down the computer," she said.
So then I had to watch Men in Black for the rest of the hour. Enjoy!
*********************************
Soy una pizza (I am a pizza)
con mucho queso (With lots of cheese)
Llena de salsa (Full of sauce)
De tomate (Of tomato)
Tomato sauce. Ron loved tomato sauce, deeply, passionately, an unspoken longing for the red substance.
He remembered the first time he'd ever had tomato sauce: a plate
of spaghetti when he was one and a half. His mother had set the plate in
front of him- thick, red broth, full of noodles and hamburger. Curious,
he had dipped his finger in it and lifted it to his mouth; the tangy, salty
flavor had spread over his tastebuds, and Ron had become smitten.
Cebollas y hongos (Onions and mushrooms)
Oregano (Oregano)
Soy una pizza (I am a pizza
Soy la mejor. (I am the best.)
Ron had been horrified the first time he'd had pizza. Yes, the
sauce was there, but it was barely detectable through the cheese and onions
and mushrooms!
What evil could have created such a dish?
Soy una pizza (I am a pizza)
Pepperoni (Pepperoni)
Sin anchovas (Without anchovies)
Sin baloney (Without baloney)
The pizza had been a baloney pizza.
Soy una pizza (I am a pizza)
Pideme (Ask for me)
Soy una pizza (I am a pizza)
Ya llevame! (Take me already!)
Ever since then, Ron had hated pizza. But it was difficult; pizza
had a hold on people. Everyone loved pizza - everyone except Ron. He was
the only one committed to fighting pizza in all its forms. Stupid pizza.
Soy una pizza (I am a pizza)
Pimiento verde (Green pepper)
Salì del orno (I came out of the oven)
Hacia la caja (Into the box)
Ron had had enough. It was time to show Pizza who was boss.
"That's it!" he yelled, standing and slamming closed his DADA text,
scaring the heck out of Hermione and Harry, who thought he had gone nutters.
He stormed out of the Gryffindor common room and headed toward the kitchen.
The house elves scattered as he crossed the room and stopped at the
long food-prep counter. There sat the Pizza, its evil cheese and crust
surrounding the precious, precious sauce.
"This ends now, Pizza," said Ron, drawing his wand. He pointed it at
the Pizza, and shouted "Wyngardium Leviosa!"
The pizza floated into the air. Ron, filled with rage, suddenly lost
his concentration, and the Pizza crashed to the ground.
Pero en el coche (But in the car)
Me cayì (I fell)
Soy una pizza (I am a pizza)
Pobre de mì! (Poor me!)
The pizza lay on the ground, smashed. Ron stared, openmouthed.
He had only wanted to hurt the Pizza, not... Not ruin it. He fell to his
knees, picking the Pizza up and cradling it in his arms. Tears streamed
from his eyes.
Fui una pizza (I was a pizza)
Fui la mejor (I was the best)
Una linda pizza (A beautiful pizza)
Ahora ya no. (Now I'm not.)
Ay, pobre de mì! (Oh, poor me!)
Què lastima! (What a shame!)