A/N: New here. I've read many death eater humor fics, and decided there are not enough out there. This is my try at one. It has to do with Death Eaters and Voldemort, and the stupid criminal acts they try to accomplish, unfortunately, they never go as planned. The first chapter is the introduction of the characters.
Disclaimer: I own some of the plot nothing else. J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and other people own the guest stars that appear throughout the fic. Some of the criminal acts have occurred in real life, others only here. I do not own so don't sue.
Summary: Dear reader, what you have in your hands is the untold stupid acts made by death eaters and death eater wannabes. Such acts include attempting to steal a muggle car, the real reason the Longbottom's went insane, what happened to Regulus, and much more. Enjoy.
Dumb Criminals a.k.a. Death Eaters
Caution: What you are about to read are actual events that have occurred by Death Eaters and He-who-must-not-be-named.
Dear reader,
Before we begin our tail of lies, thefts, murder, and other criminal acts, committed by the felons known as Death Eaters, a little about each of them should be known.
First on the list is Peter Pettigrew a.k.a. Wormtail in the criminal department. He is a fat bald man who is able to turn into a rat, this would seem to be very useful, but it causes more problems than help. Few facts about Wormtail include; often gets stuck in small places, is whiny, stutters when lying, and has an obsession with children's drinks. One of the greatest acts committed by Wormtail is the attempted murder of one Ronald Weasley, that of course failed.
Second on the list is Lucius Malfoy a.k.a. Perfectionist Pretty-Boy in the criminal department. Lucius is a tall almost white-haired man, who was once a prominent member in wizarding society. He is the leader of the Malfoy family and master of perfectionism. He often tries to bribe his way out of crimes and is most noticeable for dressing in girl's clothing for disguise. Two of the greatest acts committed by Perfectionist Pretty-Boy (Pretty-Boy for short) is his attempted break-out of Azkaban prison, and his attempt at trying to steal a muggle car, but like most of his colleagues something went wrong.
Third on the list is Bellatrix Black, now truly insane, due to her stay at Azkaban prison, she is known as Bella by the ring leader of the Death Eaters (you-know-who). Bellatrix Black is an extremely crazy woman and one of the last Blacks alive. She will often cackle randomly, and is caught most often by the random bouts of laughter. One of her greatest acts was the torturing of Alice and Frank Longbottom, although her torturing into mindlessness did not go the way she planned.
Fourth on the list is Rodolphus and Rabastan Lestrange a.k.a. as the Lestrange Brothers. They like many of their fellows have also been imprisoned in Azkaban, they like Lucius are still in Azkaban and continue to try to find ways out. They aren't always very helpful however as both of them are terrified of Dementors. One of the greatest acts ever committed; the Azkaban Food Fight Diversion, where they attempted to escape by causing a food fight as a diversion, plan did not go as planned.
Fifth on the list is Avery and Knott, two tall and imprisoned Death Eaters, not known as anything else. They were imprisoned to Azkaban during the Department of Mysteries Crisis, they like PPB and the Lestrange Brothers are often trying to find ways out, sometimes they even succeed only to be thrown right back in prison a day or two later. Bad habits, Avery chews on sunflower seeds and Knott leaves a knot at every robbery. One of their greatest acts was the Hostage Situation at Gringotts, everything was planned perfectly, they did not suspect the Dursleys of being inside when they attempted to hold it up.
Sixth on the list is the Callows known as Alecto and Amycus. Brother and sister Death Eaters who took place in the Battle of the Tower. Alecto is female, and Amycus is male. Amycus is a lumpy looking wizard with a leer and wheezy giggle. Alecto is a short witch who often fights with her brother at inopportune times. Amycus does a wheezy giggle whenever nervous or excited. One of their greatest acts was the escape from the Battle of the Tower, which after a wrong turn ends them up in the forbidden forest.
Seventh on the list is Fenrir Greyback, a.k.a. Fenny or Wolfe. A bloodthirsty werewolf who likes to rip out the throats of his victims, fortunately he has never made good on his promise to do that. He has a nasty habit of biting in human or in werewolf form when angry. He is a mad murderer, but has only succeeded once or twice in actually harming someone. He howls whenever any part of the moon is near, and runs on all fours. One of his greatest acts was the attempted murder of Mrs. Petunia Dursley.
Eighth on the list is Regulus Black, a.k.a. You're-supposed-to-be-dead! Was originally thought to have been killed by Voldemort, but in actuality was forgotten in Muggle London and was lost, while changing locations of a horcrux. Is currently wondering Muggle London searching for the Leaky Cauldron. Often writes random notes to He-who-must-not-be-named cursing him for forgetting him, the letters never usually make it pass Nagini who eats all letters to You-Know-Who. One of his greatest acts is his break in of a muggle furniture store, with Harry Potter in it.
Ninth on the list is Draco Malfoy, son of Lucius Malfoy. A handsome blond-haired teen who is believed to have attempted murder on Albus Dumbledore numerous times. Currently on the run from authorities and rabid fan girls. He is a narcissist at heart and this often gets him in trouble. The authorities can tell if he has been near, because a mirror will be missing and a picture of himself will be put where the mirror was, leaves them at the scene of a crime. His idol is Gildory Lockheart and his all-time fear is a white ferret. One of his greatest acts was the attempted murdering of Albus Dumbledore.
Tenth on the list is Severus Snape a.k.a. the Half-Blood Prince. Is second most wanted after You-Know-Who, for the murder of Albus Dumbledore. The Half-Blood Prince is a tall pale man, often mistaken for a vampire (even by his own fellows). He is the calm, sadistic, rational man in the Death Eaters. Often comes up with brilliant plans or solutions, but more often than not is ruined by You-Know-Who or other Death Eaters. Was once a member of the Order of the Phoenix. One of his greatest acts was killing Albus Dumbledore, his second greatest was escaping. His greatest embarrassment was when he was trapped in a zoo without his wand and only Peter Pettigrew, Yaxley, and 'Big Blond' for company.
Eleventh on the list is Mulciber, Macnair, Rookwood, Jugson, Dolohov, Crabbe, Goyle, Yaxley, and 'Big Blond' a.k.a. Other Guys. These are the remaining Death Eaters with only Goyle, Yaxley, and 'Big Blond' not in Azkaban Prison. They are the extras, helpers, assistants, and other non-main Death Eaters. Yaxley is the only one of these nine who would actually be worth on the list. Yaxley is schizophrenic who often follows the other death eaters around. Yaxley is also one of the only three female death eaters and a prankster at heart, has a crush on Snape. These Death Eaters often appear throughout the story alongside or in the background of the main characters.
Twelfth on the list is the ring leader of the Death Eaters Lord Voldemort a.k.a. He-who-must-not-be-named, he-who-is-hyphenated-too-much, you-know-who, the Dark Lord, Tom Marvolo Riddle, Tom, Voldie, and Volders. Lord Voldemort is a man who has many plans, many goals, but only a few ever succeed. He is a skeletally thin, tall snake-like man in his 60's. He doesn't look quite that old, however and his main goal is immortality. Lord Voldemort is the leader of the Death Eaters and often tries to kill Harry Potter or other odd goals, not many if any succeed. His greatest achievement was returning to body form, his greatest stupid act was where he hid the horcruxes, and his numerous attempts at trying to get into Hogwarts. Including one such incident called 'The Gamekeeper Ransom'.
The above men and women are some of the most dangerous, and stupid you will ever meet or hear about. These files are the untold truth and acts of You-Know-Who and his Death Eaters; if Voldemort were ever to hear about this book, he would avada you and me quicker than you can say Quidditch. He must never know what this book contains, keep this book in a safe place, and enjoy reading.
Auror Void
A/N: How was it? This was just an introducing the characters chapter. Warning all characters will be greatly out of character, this is a humor fic, so don't tell me the characters are out of character, they are meant to be. Besides the Death Eaters every now and then random guest stars of your choice will appear, they can be from anything, if I know what it is, I will put it in a chapter. I hope you enjoyed, next chapter will begin the life of Dumb Criminals. Please read and review; thanks.