Angel Pep Talk
A Sequel to Not the Walking Away Type
Dean left Sam in the room. Getting coffee was an excuse to get out and clear his head. He had meant every word he had told Sam, but he also felt shaky and was still reeling from Sam's words. He knew that Sam meant those words just as much as he had meant his. He couldn't deny that he hadn't.
Dean sought the comfort of the only stable symbol he had left. The Impala. For all that it had gone through then rebuilding her back brand new, it was the rock he had needed now. Sam had been that rock for him, but he wasn't sure he was anymore and that hurt and scared him. He climbed into the car and took in a breath. He closed his eyes and leaned his head on the steering wheel. It wasn't much later that he knew he wasn't alone in the car anymore, but he had learned to recognize the presence and relaxed his hunter's instincts.
"You do know I can tell when you're here, right?"
"I do," Castiel said. "You are one of very few who can."
"Yeh, well, doesn't mean it isn't unnerving," Dean said as he lifted his head and leaned back in his seat. "Where have you been?"
"There are other battles being waged, Dean. Only my Father can be everywhere."
Dean took in an exhausted breath.
"Did you win?" Dean asked with the respect the question deserved.
"We had some victories, but Lillith has two more seals and is that much closer."
"I'm sorry," Dean said genuinely. "I've had some issues myself."
"I understand. Like me, you can only fight one battle at a time."
"I don't know if you do, Cas."
"You're fighting for Sam's soul, Dean."
Dean looked over and felt his body grow cold.
"And I don't know if I'm winning."
"Your efforts, they mean a great deal, to Sam especially."
"Do they? I'm not so sure…what I said to him…"
"You didn't say anything that wasn't the truth and it was something Sam needed to hear. It's what Sam said to you that concerns me."
"Yeh, well, guess I deserved it. Maybe I am scared of Lillith."
"No, Dean, it's not Lillith you fear. It's her influence over Sam. You fear them meeting because you're worried Sam will give in to his revenge, just as your father did, and become destroyed because of it."
Dean took in a deep breath.
"Is that you being Dr. Phil again?"
"Who?"
"Nothing," Dean said as he smiled at Castiel's lack of knowledge of popular culture.
"Dean, you're reaching out to your brother. It's all you can do for him. In the end, we all possess free will. We choose our fates."
"It's not enough. Used to be just being brothers, watching out for each other because we were family would be enough. Now, I don't think it is and I'm scared, Cas. I've never been so scared in my whole freakin' life."
Dean rubbed his face with his hands.
"He hates me, Cas."
"No, Dean, he hates himself. He hates what he thinks Azazel has done to him. He doesn't believe he can change because of what's in his blood and that's what's keeping him from seeing that he is not just what's in his blood. His choices are making him become what he fears most."
"And how exactly do I tell him to stop when the power makes him feel…invincible," Dean said tiredly. "I can't compete with that."
"No matter what Sam says, the Sam who is your brother, is still seeking your approval, needs you to believe in him, but the longer he goes on using his powers, listens to the demon, Ruby, over your voice, the harder it will be for him to come back to the Sam you know."
"And if I can't get through to him?"
Castiel didn't answer, knowing his non-answer was answer enough.
"Dean, somehow you have to show Sam that revenge is not the answer. It wasn't the answer for your father and it won't be for him. It's only because of your presence in both their lives did they manage to survive."
"My dad. He didn't survive."
"That's where you're wrong. He made the only choice a father could make to save his child. Have you forgotten what he said to you before he burdened you with Sam's destiny?"
Dean would never forget. It was one of the very few times that their father admitted failure and frailty to either of his sons.
"He acknowledged that you were the fabric that kept them a family. He admitted that you took on too much yet never uttered a word of complaint. In a moment of clarity, realizing you were dying, your father made the first unselfish choice since your mother's death. He knew that only you could save Sam."
"But, Cas, I don't know if I can."
"You have already done that and more for Sam. You sacrificed your soul to save him. It's now time for Sam to make his own choices, but he needs your guidance."
"Yeh, some guidance I'm giving him. He thinks I'm in his way. He thinks he's better than me…maybe he is…"
"Dean, you do not have the luxury to feel sorry for yourself nor to devalue your worth to him," Castiel said sternly. "His only advantage is his powers and he could have used them against you while under the Siren spell, but he didn't."
"What? I thought his powers only worked on demons," Dean said shocked.
Castiel, realizing what he had just slipped, remained silent. Though he regretted adding to Dean's doubts about his brother, he felt that Dean had a right to know, one of what could be many more violations of his purpose in the war, but oddly, he didn't care what happened to him. His only concern was for Dean.
Though the news was heartbreaking, it didn't come as a surprise to Dean. It was probably just another secret Sam was keeping from him.
Still, Sam could have ended the fight with one swipe of his powers, but hadn't. That was something and Dean had to cling onto it.
"Unlike you, who only longed to have the brother you knew back, Sam's accusations were not his own. If he really believed them, he would have already used his powers against you. He is filled with guilt for not having saved you from Hell himself. He is filled with revenge for Lillith. It's there that he is like your father and must be convinced that just as your father had a choice so does he and like your father, making the wrong choice could destroy him, destroy you both and more."
Castiel's words were giving Dean the clarity he needed and maybe even more, a lift to his deflating confidence after hearing Sam's words.
"Thanks, Cas, guess I just needed to have my ass kicked a little," Dean smiled.
Castiel only gave Dean a short-lived smirk.
"You possess all you need to help Sam and yourself. You always have. It has been your ability to not fall prey to revenge that has spared you a darker fate. Revenge can only bring evil upon a person. It's blind to all that is good and reasonable. Despite all that Hell threw at you, the only person you blame is yourself, when you are least to blame."
"No, I can't buy that, Cas. You said it yourself we all have free will. We can make choices. What I did to get off the rack? You'll never convince me that wasn't my fault. I chose to torture those souls to save my sorry ass and worse yet, I chose to enjoy it. There is no excuse for that."
"There is no free will in Hell, Dean. That is why it is Hell. You are led to believe you can outlast it, but that is a false hope. Hope is both the savior and the enemy in Hell. You clung to it longer than most human souls, but by doing so, your fall, which even you couldn't avoid, was that much harder, that much more painful. Say what you will, but what you think was choice was predetermined. It is for all who enter there."
Dean could only let the subject drop. He still wasn't completely convinced that he didn't have a choice, even in Hell, but was willing to concede to Castiel for now. It's then that he noticed that Castiel looked tired, drained, even defeated.
"You okay there? You're looking a little ragged."
"The battles, they were hard fought. Many of us died. The losses become larger for each conflict."
Dean felt a twinge of guilt for not being there for Castiel.
"Look, I'm sorry about your battles. You must have lost a lot of your friends."
Castiel looked over and his eyes were red and rimmed with moisture though no tears were shed. He gave Dean a look of barely restrained gratitude for Dean's compassion towards him.
"We are warriors, Dean. We are sent to do battle when we are needed, but I can't honestly say that I would call any of my fellow warriors friends."
Dean nodded not wanting to pursue a painful conversation for Castiel.
"But thank you. Your acknowledgement, it's appreciated. Unfortunately, there will be more to come."
"Cas, if you need help…" Dean offered. "Just ask. I don't know what I could do that an angel couldn't, but I know this war is about all of us and I'll do whatever I can."
Castiel listened to Dean's offer of help and found it reassuring, an emotion he didn't think possible for him to feel. Inhabiting his human host was giving him all manner of new emotions and he found himself giving into them the more time he spent with Dean.
"It is such an offer that makes you different, Dean. You have so much to bear on your own and yet you would extend what little resources you have to fight alongside us."
"Yeh, well, isn't that what anyone would do during war?" Dean asked innocently.
"No, I'm afraid not everyone has your view. Even angels. Uriel would rather smite than assist humans."
Castiel took in a deep breath.
"I've been deeply conflicted."
"About what?"
"About my role in this war…my blind devotion."
Dean looked at Castiel with wide-eyed surpise. It was the same expression he had given Anna when she had explained why she had wanted to stay human, that it had been worth falling from grace to achieve it.
"Cas, you're not considering –"
"Disobedience? Yes, it's crossed my mind more than once."
"But why? You're much more powerful the way that you are."
"Am I?" Castiel said with uncertainty. "I doubt that my power should just reside in my strength or my ability to subdue. It should also reside in my belief and conviction about doing the right thing."
"And you don't have that?"
"I'm not sure anymore. I watch you and the decisions you make –"
"Whoa, Cas, I wouldn't go defying the man upstairs because of me."
"Why not? Because you're human?"
"Well, there's that and I'm not what you'd call a man of faith and I've done my share of really bad things."
"Dean, you have shown unflagging faith for Sam, for your family, all of your life. That is devotion. You have saved many people from dark fates. You have sacrificed your own immortal soul for your brother's life. You may not have believed in my Father, but you have practiced the very tenets of His teachings your entire life. I watch you continue to live by them even after coming through a darkness that would destroy anyone else's beliefs. I can think of no better example to emulate."
Dean was momentarily speechless at Castiel's words.
"Cas, I can't let you risk everything, not because of me."
Castiel smiled.
"I felt Anna's contempt for me, for what I stood for and she was right for feeling it. She questioned, knowing the consequences, understanding that her fate would be sealed once she fell, yet she would suffer the same pain, take whatever punishment exacted to remain here as a human. I'm a hypocrite, Dean. I'm afraid to take the same leap that she did."
"You don't have to."
"How can I exist this way? More importantly, how can I fight this war and go back no longer believing?"
"I'm no expert, Cas, but I think believing comes with the job description besides, having questions doesn't mean when you come out the other end, you won't be the same old Cas. Who knows? Maybe after all this is over, you'll believe even more."
Castiel nodded, still looking unsure, but he caught something in Dean's eyes then Dean's expression became serious.
"If you do it, fall, I mean. Don't do it because you stopped believing," Dean said. "Do it because you do believe."
Castiel didn't miss the context.
Everything Dean had done had been because he had believed in Sam. That saving Sam had been worth losing everything, his life, even his soul. Dean had chosen to fall in his own way because he had believed in the person he was sacrificing himself for.
Castiel envied that conviction. Even now, feeling as unsure as Dean did about Sam's devotion to him, to their blood ties, Castiel knew that Dean still believed in Sam and was still striving to reach the Sam he knew. Dean would love his brother no matter what happened, but Castiel knew that Dean still hoped.
Hope. It was what Dean had never given up on, even in Hell. Hope kept Dean in one piece for as long as it could. Even with his hope eventually broken there, emerging back to Earth, Dean hadn't left it behind. He brought it back with him and once again, clung to it as he had in Hell.
Castiel wished as well that Dean would not have to lose his hope once again.
How many times can one man endure having hope ripped from him? Castiel didn't know, but he believed that Dean would fight for it and for Sam for as long as his will would let him.
Castiel wanted to believe that and would fight to his own death to keep Dean's hope alive and probably his own.
FIN. Thanks for reading. There may be another sequel brewing so keep a look out. Thanks for all your wonderful reviews as well. I LOVE and LIVE for them.