Stray Cats and Smoke
(Disclaimer: X-men: Evolution is property of Marvel.)
--
The reflection of the power lines
and the spiderwebs in the house across the street.
What's going on with you every night?
I really want to know.
But i get too tired to speak
--
My first fuck was a week after she showed up on our doorstep. Quick, right? Well, Tabitha was never big on patience. She was more of a "get shit done and have fun doin' it" type. I guess. I'm not too good with words, y'know?
I was just layin' in bed, y'know, mindin' my own business, listenin' to crickets chirpin', and suddenly she's standin' in the doorway. Her hip was jutted out, and her legs were crossed to look like the number four. One hand was on the doorway and the other was on her hip, and I couldn't see her face 'cause the hall light was hiding her from view. "What's up, Froggy?" She chirped, too enthusiastic for as late as it was.
I just sat up, cigarette hangin' out of my mouth, blinkin' all crooked-like. "What's up, Tabby Cat?" I asked, raisin' an eyebrow. "Ain't it a little late to be diggin' through people's stuff?"
"I'm not digging through anything," She laughed, sauntering into the room with those strong legs, swingin' the door shut behind her too loudly for midnight. Maybe I didn't have manners, but my Ma used to whip me for that kind of behavior. She practically glided across the room, practically burstin' with confidence or sexuality or both or some other thing I couldn't figure out. "I'm bored, and I can't sleep," She explained, plopping down next to me and yanking the cig' from my mouth and takin' a long drag on it. "Is that okay?" She turned her head towards me, smoke makin' her appear all misty. Did'ja know that tobacco smells better when it comes out of a girl's mouth? Sure, I ain't a comparison to normal folks or nothin', but it does smell sweeter.
"Well, what do ya' want me to do 'bout it?" I asked groggily. I was almost asleep 'til she showed up.
She pulled the cancer stick from her lips with two delicately manicured fingers, nails bright blue even in the dark. It must'a been some kinda glow-in-the-dark nail polish. Girl stuff is weird.
"You wanna fool around?" She asked casually, like we was just talkin' 'bout stuff near-strangers always do.
"…'Scuse me?" I asked, confused. She couldn't have meant what I thought she meant, after all. Not sayin' I ain't a prize or nothin'… Well, maybe that's what I'm sayin'. I dunno. Girls don't seem to fond'a the Toad. Must be the smell. Girls like pretty smells. Hell, girls like pretty everything, as far as I know.
"What, are you deaf?" She asked, giggling. Her teeth were so white, even though she smoked. Musta bleached 'em or somethin'. "Come on. I'm totally bored. You're the only one up, so let's do it. I promise you'll have a good time."
For a minute, I thought she was jokin', or maybe one'a the guys was behind it, gettin' my hopes up an' all that… but a minute later she had leaned in and kissed me… Well, I dunno if kiss is the right word. Kiss is one of those delicate girl words. This was all but delicate. I even felt her teeth against mine for a minute.
She didn't seem to care about my breath or my tongue or the thick taste of tobacco on my lips, and I pretended not to notice the familiar taste of cheap beer on hers. It mixed with the taste of her lip gloss and the taste of that same cigarette that was still between 'er fingers, and it tasted better than anything I'd ever tasted, 'least up to that point.
She used her free hand to push me down onto the mattress, and her hand was real hot against me. She pulled her face away from mine, and she smiled down at me while I just stared at 'er. Her eyes were real bright in the dark, like her nails… but that glow was all-natural. I think that's the phrase they use on cereal boxes.
"Well… do you or don't you?" She asked, draggin' on the cigarette again, as if I could, as a guy, say no after that.
"Y… yeah, okay… If you wanna," I said, tryin' to sound all smooth an' cool. I ended up soundin' all meek an' scared. At least, I think I did.
I'd never seen a girl naked in real life before. Only in dirty mags that I'd take from Lance's room when he wasn't home. Tabitha was a bomb-shell fully-clothed, so I wasn't surprised to see she was outta clothes too. I was surprised though when I ran my hand over a specific place in 'er back that was rough. I had enough of 'em myself t' know it was a scar. I didn't ask 'er about it, even when I felt it again on other occasions.
She was good too. Like, really good. I was a fumblin' idiot, tryin' t' feel my way out without much luck. She guided me along, laughing and over-exaggerating that I was doin' good. I knew it wasn't true, but I didn't believe it at th' time. The way I was feelin' at that moment was better than any high I ever experienced back when I hung around the dumpster with the bad kids… back when I lived with Ma. I wonder what happened t' those guys?
It had started and was over within a few minutes, which I'm pretty sure is bad, an' she got up an' left as soon as I fell asleep, taking my cigarette pack with 'er.
--
and I think it'll be better
it'll all be someday.
the spider bites across your back
will all go away.
and I'll stay.
and I will be clearer and not so pushed around
by every small mouth
that makes a very small sad sound.
--
She came back again a few nights later. And again a week and a half later. By the third time, I knew it wasn't 'cause she had some kind of yearnin' for the Toad, since by that time I'd caught her comin' outta Pietro's room at least twice when I was goin' t' take a piss. It didn't make me mad 'r nothin', even though I know some guys would get all angry… but me and Tabby weren't datin'. We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. Hell, we barely talked. Most'a the time we weren't even in the room alone together. I was a fuck for her, and she was a fuck for me, and Pietro was part of her list of fucks. T' be honest, it was kinda flatterin' t' be on the same fuck list as Pietro. Pietro was a little weasel, but he wasn't bad lookin'. He could get any girl in school. I know. I've seen 'im do it.
She came into the room, and didn't even ask. She moved in, slinkin' like the little stray cat she was, movin' her skilled mouth around mine, teachin' it things my momma always told me never to do.
What's that bone that's between the neck and the chest? Collar… Collarbone. Yeah, that's right. That was my favorite part of Tabby. There were those little crevasses where her sweat and body lotion would build up a little more than in other places, an' there was just somethin' so delicious about it. Somethin' irresistible. I wondered if Pietro liked that taste too. Probably not. Pietro didn't really like anything but himself… but y'know, I can't help but wonder if he even liked that. Sometimes there was this look on his face when he stared in the mirror that looked so angry and… what's the word… disgusted… I ain't gonna be th' one to ask him. That's for sure. He has enough fun hangin' me from flagpoles by the underwear.
Tabitha made a sound that night when I bit into her shoulder, diggin' those glowin' nails into my back. The sound was small an' meek an' quiet an' kinda scared. Nothin' like what Tabitha made herself out to be. I think at that moment I heard her for real. Maybe for just a minute. I dunno. I'm not good at stuff like that. There's alotta stuff I'm not good at though.
When it was all over, that night, I didn't fall asleep right after. Instead, I decided to sit up and smoke with her. There was somethin' so… I can't describe it… about that silence, that I stayed awake afterwards from then onwards.
--
"I got sick," you say
but i don't know
i don't remember
when you bite my ear
your breath's the loudest thing i ever hear
--
One night, after we had done the deed, I was sittin' up, puffin' on a cancer stick, and she was layin' on her stomach, face half-buried in a pillow. Her make-up was smudged, an' she smelled like me and her. I watched her, staring blankly past me at the wall, those eyes all bright like some kinda demon… or stray cat. I betted that she was gonna go to Pietro tomorrow night. I'd fooled around with her enough to know when she wasn't satisfied with one night of fucking. Then again… I suppose she was never really satisfied, was she? Most girls with daddy issues aren't. They gotta fill that hole he left with somethin'. I let her be taken advantage of. I took advantage of her. It's somethin' I'll probably regret one day when I'm old. If I make it to old.
She took my hand at that moment and kissed the webs between my fingers. "Your hands are so much better than regular hands," She mumbled sleepily. "You can feel so much more with them than other people."
"Not really. The webs don't feel nothin'," I said quietly, not lookin' at her.
"Well, they're still better."
"The kids back home sure didn't think so."
She purred a little and fell asleep for a minute before poppin' back awake. "Hey, Froggy."
"Yeah?"
"Good job tonight."
"Uh… thanks, I guess."
She didn't have to lie like that, but it sure was nice when she did. Tabby knew how to wrap guys around her fingers. I think it's somethin' girls learn with experience.
"So, who's better at it?" I humored, grinning at her. "Me, Pietro, Lance, or Freddie?"
"Well, for the record," She said, rollin' on her back. "I didn't sleep with Lance. He won't let me. He prefers high-class cats."
"Lame," I replied, pretendin' I didn't notice she didn't answer the question.
"I think it's kind of sweet actually…" She said, an' her voice was real quiet when she did, a small smile full of sadness on her face. "It's sweet to save yourself for someone special… I admire people who can do that."
"Oh, yeah?" I asked, huffin' a little. "I don't see th' point."
"That's because you're not like them."
I finally looked at her. "What's that mean?"
Her smile looked all the sadder, an' her eyes were so bright they could'a been the moon. "You're like me. Driven by animal instincts. You understand the pleasure and lust as uncontrollable things."
I didn't tell her how full of it she was. She knew that she was bullshitting to me as much as I did. Tabitha wasn't run by any sort of wild animal instinct. I didn't know what it was that actually ran her until she lied about it though… There was a crushin' kind of loneliness in her that I couldn't even believe. I ain't never seen loneliness like that… well, 'least I hadn't at that time. I've seen it since. I saw it in Pietro, when he was lookin' in that mirror, and I saw it my own face too. I'd see it in Lance sometimes, but never in Freddie… He never looked like that when I was around at least, but I bet he looked that way when I wasn't.
She sat up, stretching her arms out to the heavens, and that false confidence that she blanketed herself with was so strong that I was almost pushed off the mattress by it. "You know, Froggy… I don't think I'll be able to rest my head here forever…"
"Yeah, well, mornin' comes," I replied.
"Yeah, it does… Morning comes, and we all have to get up and go to life. That sucks… I wish nighttime would stay longer."
"Sweetums, I can only do it so many times," I joked, and she laughed. God love her, she laughed. Man, did that laugh make me feel like somethin' special. She never laughed at me. She laughed along with me… and that was… that was somethin' else.
She folded her arms across her knees. "Nighttime is nice… Daytime's good too though, I guess… We all gotta go our separate ways at one point or another. I don't know if I can hang my hat here forever."
"Why?" I asked.
She glanced at me, smiling with those too-white teeth, and I heard her without a word. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere.
I exhaled a mouth full of smoke, and tasted her lip gloss with it. Suddenly the taste was more bitter.
"So… whenever I hit the road… you wanna come with me?"
I stared at her for a long time. "Me? Why me?"
"Don't you wanna go? We could run off into the nighttime and be fairies that cause mischief and dance under the stars forever." She giggled, and it sounded a whole lot like a sob.
"I ain't gonna be no stinkin' fairy," I replied, somewhat bitter with the taste in my mouth.
"Stinkin' is right," She joked, and even though she teased, when she said it, I didn't feel like she meant it. Not like the kids from way back when. Not like the kids from now either. "Well, if we didn't go as fairies, what then?"
I looked up at the smoke swirlin' around my head, formin' little pictures of stuff. "Yeah, sure. We can be pirates."
"Or Lost Boys," She suggested, and I agreed, even though girls can't be Lost Boys… but Tabby was never much of a girl. Normal girls weren't so rough around the edges…
"Yeah. We'll fight pirates," I decided. "and X-dorks."
She chuckled. I didn't. We both knew it, I think… well, I could never tell ya' what she was thinkin', not for sure… but the day she left, I didn't make one move to go after her. The thought never crossed my mind. She never slowed her pace for me either.
She moved to the side of the mattress, pulling on her underwear, and I saw the scar on her back, one of the many little scars I'd found on her since we started. Cigarette burns on 'er wrists, a slash on her right ankle, bruises on her hips that looked a lot like Pietro's fingertips… Seemed to me like Pietro held her a little too tight. I bet she held him too tight too. Like they were both tryin' to hold on t' somethin' that wasn't there…. That scar looked kinda like a stripe in the moonlight.
As she stood, I saw all the sweat that still hung on her. There was a trail on her cheek too. I knew that wasn't sweat.
And I got up, lumbered over to her as she picked her clothes up, and made her look at me. I licked both tears and kissed her goodnight. I kissed her all delicate-like… and she tasted my smoke and her lip gloss, and I know she tasted how good it was.
She moved away, tousling my hair like my Ma used to and disappeared through the door. As it shut behind her, I knew she wasn't gonna come back. She wasn't gonna step through my door again. She'd spend her nights with Freddie and Pietro from now on, at least until it happened again…
She couldn't get too close after all. She was a stray. She wasn't no high-class cat like Miss Kitty Pryde or any of those other girls. She couldn't be owned or tamed. That would mean she'd never be free to go as she pleased… She could never allow herself to feel safe with anyone. Not that I could blame 'er or nothin'.
Still… after her, I decided on somethin'. I didn't like delicate girls. I didn't like those "little flower" broads that were all about bein' dainty and whatnot. I would never hook up with one of those girls. Those girls were so uppity and easily brought down… I wanted a girl with a little fight in her.
That's why Tabitha wasn't the girl for me.
It's kinda sad, thinkin' about it now. Tabby was real good to me, an' I didn't do much for her. Well… I don't feel like I did… but there had t' be a reason why she came back t' me of all folks. Maybe I did help fill a little of that hole… but it really ain't the right way to fill a hole.
When she left, even though she never came back to my room after that night, the side of the bed she laid on was real cold. I didn't sleep one wink, an' it wasn't just 'cause Mystique was back and Wanda was on a rampage. I stayed up all night, smokin' a pack of cigarettes that was sittin' on a pillow, her pillow still smudged with make-up, in my room with a little note on it that had a drawin' of a cat and a toad, both of 'em with wings. It was the weirdest lookin' picture I'd ever seen, and it wasn't just 'cause she couldn't draw. I think it's what folks call partin' gifts or somethin'.
I think I laughed that night that laugh that sounds a lot like a sob, and I think I heard a little purr in the air between the lines of smoke, the taste of lip gloss, the glow of nail polish, and the flutterin' of fairy wings or Lost Boy arms.
I don't know.
I just don't know.
--
and the good days are like presents we get to unwrap
when no one's around so we don't have to thank anyone.
I tried to speak louder
so you'd understand
I want you to sleep here
and make this cold part of the bed warm again
--
(The lyrics are from "One More One Night Stand" by A Weather. I just wrote this in the attempt to get over a bad case of writer's block, so I'm sorry if it's not very good.)