Carla sighed audibly and leant back in her chair as the babbling factory workers clocked out after a long day's work. As the door finally banged shut she closed her eyes, glad to be alone at last as Sally was off sick and Aliyah had gone to see Sinead an hour or so before, wanting her to make a new sample for her Bespoke basks range. She didn't feel like going home yet, it still felt weird going back there after the fire, but she knew there was little point in staying. She was tired and had had an extremely unproductive day, and that was unlikely to change even with her workforce gone. Carla would never admit it but her head was a mess and the lack of sleep was not doing anything to help her think straight. Ever since the fire, her sleep had been restless and was frequently interrupted by nightmares of old demons returning to haunt her. It was like the shock and the guilt had made a hole in the barriers she had built in her mind to protect herself from her past. Now the memories and the pain that came with them were oozing through the cracks, ready to pounce when she was at her most vulnerable. When she was sleeping. During the day she knew it wouldn't do to dwell on the past but after three months of not sleeping properly, Carla was constantly exhausted and irritable, and quite frankly she'd had enough.
She had been getting back on her feet. She'd been learning to cope with the guilt and get back to normal with the help of Roy, Michelle and Nick. If it hadn't been for them she suspected she would be stuck wallowing in a deep pit of guilt and self-pity, blaming herself and being unable to accept the fact that it had been an accident. She would have been able to cope with the fact that the Nazirs and the Websters and quite a lot of the remaining residents on the street hated her. At least on the surface, after all she was used to being unpopular, but on the inside she would have been broken, hating herself more than anyone else ever could. Yet she had managed to cope because they had picked her up and told her that it wasn't her fault and that people were hurting and just needed to come to terms with what had happened- either that or they were judgemental nosy parkers who weren't worth it. She had been alright until she had found out that it wasn't her mistake after all.
She had been so sure that she'd blown that candle out. Well, she was sure until she had been told that she had left the candle burning. She had been told it, and despite what the niggling voices at the back of mind were telling her, she had believed that the fire and all the suffering that had come with it was her fault. She had thought that could be the only possible explanation.
Except it wasn't.
There was another explanation. Tracy Barlow.
It had been a complete shock for Carla to find out that she hadn't actually started that fire. She had become used to the idea that she had caused it. Whether it was an accident or not had been heavily debated by anyone who thought they had the right to an opinion but it had definitely been her. So when she realised it was Tracy it had been a difficult concept to get her head round. At first she had thought that she was going mad, suspecting Tracy. Maybe it was because last time she had accused Tracy of doing something it had turned out to be her own brother. But something Tracy said hadn't made sense. She had been spreading rumours. Carla had assumed it had just been vengeful spite on her part but she had realised something wasn't right when she walked in on Tracy arguing with Michelle in the pub. Tracy had said "She was passed out on the sofa, an empty wine glass by her head, of course she was drunk". Carla had just walked straight through to the back after telling Michelle to leave it although she did appreciate her defending her. But it wasn't like anyone actually listened. She was just wasting her breath. At the time Carla didn't really think about what Tracy had said but for some reason it stayed in the back her mind and the more she thought about it, the more she realised it didn't make any sense. At first she had thought it was the fact that Tracy had known she had slept on the sofa but Carla supposed that Amy probably would have told her that she had been allowed to sleep in Carla's bed. It was the wine glass that got to her. How could Tracy have known about the wine glass? It could have been a lucky guess but somehow it seemed unlikely. Carla had told herself she was being stupid but eventually she had confronted Tracy. Tracy had denied it and Carla had decided to leave it but Ken saw through Tracy's lies. He had remembered what Tracy had been like on the night of the fire, something Carla hadn't seen, and he knew there was more to it. He never told Carla though, Simon got in there first.
Carla had been somewhat confused when a distressed Simon had turned up at her flat with tears streaming down his face, panting like he'd just run a mile. It had taken him a while to calm down but eventually he had told Carla what had upset him. He had been staying with Ken for the night and had been unable to sleep so he had gone downstairs to get some water but he had heard voices so had stayed at the top of the stairs and sat listening to Ken and Tracy's conversation. He had heard Tracy confess to going to the flat and lighting the candle. At that point he had wanted to leave but he was in shock after finding out his aunt had been responsible for the death of his mum's boyfriend. That was why he also heard Tracy tell Ken how she had almost killed Carla but had decided not to and left leaving the candle burning. At that point Simon had run away and gone to Carla.
When Simon had told Carla this they sat in silence for a very long time. Carla had been trying to process what she'd been told but whatever she had thought, she never thought Tracy would want her dead. It would have made saving her life a bit pointless if nothing else. The only silver lining was that Tracy hadn't actually killed her.
Thinking back to that night, Carla couldn't help but want to bury her head in the sand and never face another human being again. Unfortunately she knew the world didn't work like that but she figured that a girl could dream. She knew she should probably be grateful that no one blamed her anymore but she wasn't really sure what was worse: people blaming her, or the pity she got from everyone because she had been blamed for Tracy's mistake. She just wanted to get back to normal but the guilt still hadn't gone away. When she had Kal and Maddie's families pointing the blame at her, she had felt the weight of their grief, she had suffered from their pain and she had felt the full force of their anger. It didn't just go away. She could still feel their pain even though she knew it wasn't her fault anymore. In a way Tracy had had got off lightly. Even though everyone hated her for starting the fire and letting Carla take the blame, she only had to deal with the cold glares and resentment that was left in the place of the lost loved ones. Tracy had never had to see the raw wounds while they were still open and bleeding. That was what had scarred Carla and in a way she resented Tracy for not having to go through that.
Carla hated the fact that she still couldn't get any peace even though she knew she hadn't done anything. She hated the fact that the nightmares hadn't gone away. And now she wasn't sure how to make them stop. She had thought that without the guilt, they would go away but they hadn't and now she was scared. Last time she had had nightmares, Peter had made her feel safe. Now she had Nick but she still had nightmares. Nick cared about her and he would help her to forget what had happened but his security didn't seem to keep her safe when she was asleep. During the day she had him by her side but at night she always felt alone no matter how close he was. Maybe she had been broken too many times to be repaired.
Nick knew something was wrong, so did Roy, so did Michelle. But they didn't know what they could do about it. Michelle had tried to get her to talk but Carla had just tried to push her away and ended up crying on her shoulder for hours. It had been a relief to let the tears out and it was comforting to know that Michelle was there but it didn't change anything. Roy could offer support and he could offer wisdom. She trusted what he said and knew it was true when he told her that she had no guilt so she should move on and stop living in the past but for some reason she couldn't do it. It was as if she no longer had any control over how she felt and that was perhaps what scared Carla the most. Nick was very supportive of her and seemed very understanding but Carla knew he didn't understand. No one understood how she felt. Nick carried on trying to get her talk about how she was feeling but she didn't want to talk. How could she tell him how she was feeling when she didn't even know herself? She wished everyone would leave her alone but thinking that made her feel worse because she knew that they cared about her and just wanted what was best for her. She should have felt grateful but she just couldn't help it. Carla couldn't accept their help or be happy about it.
The truth was that even with people around her, she had never felt so alone.