EXT: 20th Century Fox and Lucas Film Screens
Signature 20th Century Fox and Lucas Film music plays
EXT: Starry Background
STAR WARS
Bad things are happening, as usual, and the Jedi are gonna save the day. Again.
Pan Down
INT: Space ship
Quigon: let me in
Obviously Evil Alien: sure, of course, we expect your arrival
INT: Obviously Evil Space Station
TC14: come with me so I can kill you
Obi Wan: We are Jedi and I am feeling random disturbances in the force.
Qui Gon: I must reprimand you.
INT: Obviously Evil control room of obviously evil space station
OEA: go kill the Jedi.
INT: Obviously evil conference room of obviously evil space station
Qui Gon: I sense something
INT: obviously evil control room of obviously evil space station.
Emperor: kill the Jedi
OEA: told ya we should!
INT: obviously evil hall in obviously evil space station
Droids: Lets give the Jedi an excuse to use their fancy swordplay
INT: obviously evil control room of obviously evil space station
OEA: save me, save me!
Other Alien: You are so stupid.
INT: obviously evil hall in obviously evil space station
Obi Wan: now lets vanish
Qui Gon: ok
INT: obviously evil control room of obviously evil space station
Other Alien: Your plan is still not working!
INT: obviously evil hanger in obviously evil space station
Qui Gon: Lets split up for little real reason and warn the naboo.
Obi Wan: Ok
INT: obviously evil control room of obviously evil space station
Amidala: I will not go to war. You will lose.
OEA: as if!
INT: beautiful conference room in beautiful palace in Naboo
Palpatine: I know nothing (even though I am responsible for everything).
Amidala: Negotiations are the answer to everything. PEACE!
Random Counselor: We are being invaded!
Amidala: I refuse to believe such slander
EXT: Random Forests
OEA: Find the Jedi.
Droid: ok
Jar Jar: mesa gonna jumpsa infrontsa ofsa shipsa sosa isa cansa diesa.
Qui Gon: You are stupid.
Jar Jar: (unintelligible talk)
Audience: (makes cross out of fingers)
Qui Gon: take us to your city
Jar Jar: ?
Qui Gon and Obi Wan follow Jar Jar
Audience: I guess he agreed to take then to the city
EXT: Random underwater scenes INT: obviously cgi city
Qui Gon and Obi Wan: That was weird
Other Gungans: no we don't want to have to deal with you! We thought you were gone!
Head: (if possible, even harder to understand than Jar Jar)
Audience: please kill me now.
Qui Gon: I can now use my spiffy Jedi mind tricks. Now I am gonna be mean and take Jar Jar with me.
Obi Wan and Audience: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Audience: (to boss) Wow you can spit!
Obi Wan: (to Jar Jar) why were you banished?
Jar Jar: blah blah blah.
Big scary, cgi shrimp follows them and scares the hell out of audience and Jar Jar. The food chain is demonstrated.
INT: obviously evil control room of obviously evil space station
Emperor: take over naboo
OEA: ok
EXT: still in the ship, under water, being pursued by scary cgi fish.
Qui Gon: I like the force. Now I will sedate Jar Jar.
Audience: thank you!
Obi Wan has fun playing with big cgi fish and saves everyone's life
INT: palace of Naboo Tanks roll into naboo
Amidala: all the thanks and my capture will not be enough to go to war. And yes, I do need lights at the
bottom of my dress.
EXT: palace of Naboo
Qui Gon and Obi Wan: We are gymnasts. Are you impressed with our rescues and jumps?
Amidala: Save me
Audience: you have just been saved! Gosh, you are kinda slow huh?
Qui Gon: Lets fly away.
Amidala: ok
Qui Gon and Obi Wan: We like killing droids.
Audience: We noticed! Hey, George, did you mean to have the bottom half of a droid wandering around?
George: ask my staff.
EXT: naboo cruiser
R2D2 fixes the ship and saves everyone's lives.
Audience: We love you R2D2!
Captain: lets land on tatooine so we can meet Anikin.
Padme: YAY! The love of my 14-year-old life.
INT: obviously evil control room of obviously evil space station
Emperor: look, finally someone more scary than me, the obviously evil Darth Maul!
OEA: I am afraid
INT: naboo cruiser
Padme: I will clean R2D2
R2D2: yeah, that is a really good reward for saving your lives!
Jar Jar: I annoy the heck out of everyone
Audience: we know
Jar Jar: good, wesa are alsa on the samesa pagesa.
Qui Gon and Obi Wan: disturbance.in.force!
EXT: Tatooine
Padme: take me with you
Qui Gon: I don't want you to come but ok
Padme: I feel so loved. Not.
INT: watto's shop
Qui Gon: I think Anakin is in. there! Jar Jar, don't touch anything.
Jar Jar: okie day (breaks something)
Ani: Hi, I am 10, let me hit on you.
Padme: marry me!
Jar Jar breaks everything in sight
Audience: we hate you!
Qui Gon: (hand trick) credits will do fine
Watto: you are a sucky Jedi. Pay me real money.
Padme: I love you ani
Anikin: I love you padme
INT: naboo cruiser
Obi Wan: I am soooo hot
Audience: we love you sooo much
EXT: Tatooine marketplace
Jar Jar: let me steal some food and get beat up
Ani: you are really stupid.
Audience: we know!
Qui Gon: come with me
Ani: come to my house. Sand storms are very, very, dangerous.
Padme: yay I get a chance to see you again
Ani: I am such a bad actor. Mom I'm home!
INT: anikin's house
Mom: so soon? I thought I was free of you. Who is that freak you brought with you?
Audience: we all hate Jar. George, can ya please kill him off?
George: no
R2D2: I like you
C3PO: I like you too.
INT: naboo cruiser
Obi wan: I am the only one worried about the naboo.
INT: Anikin's house
Ani: I really am useless. Hey, let me set up some future plot elements! You are a Jedi
Qui Gon: Yep. Were invincible too
Ani: save me
Qui Gon: ok
Padme: I love you Ani!
Mom: gamble yourself out of your problem
Ani: well, there's a convenient pod race tomorrow.
Mom: ani, you can't race. So, go ahead. Just cause padme is madly in love with you.
INT: Watto's Shop
Padme: I am really the queen
Qui Gon: I don't care if you approve or not.
Qui Gon: so watto, we make ani race. And I'll talk you into doing a deal that's good for me and bad for you. I'm so
very clever.
Watto: I totally don't get it.
INT: naboo cruiser
Obi Wan: are you sure this is a good idea
Qui Gon: (on Motorola talk about walkie talkies) sure, ani's really cool!
Obi Wan: what?
Qui Gon: he's got lots of midichloria
Obi Wan: huh?
Qui Gon: never mind
EXT: Anikin's back yard
Mom: oh, by the way, ani had some sort of Christ-like immaculate birth
Ani: isn't my pod cool?
Friends: No! Let's leave this jerk
Jar Jar: I'm gonna do something stupid
C3PO: Jar Jar is really stupid huh?
Audience: you didn't notice? And by the way, can Jar Jar's speech possibly be any more impaired.
Jar Jar gets tongue numb from the beams
Audience: I guess so
EXT: night, anikin's balcony
Ani: I have impossible dreams
Qui Gon: good for you. Obi Wan, I need this blood test.
Obi wan: wow, he's got lots of midi chlorines.
Qui Gon: I thought. never mind.
Obviously evil ship lands. Obviously evil darth maul exits obviously evil ship and lets loose obviously evil
machinery.
EXT: Pod hanger
Watto: you wont win
Qui Gon: let's raise the stakes.
Watto: not too high, not. I'm only an AVID gambler.
Qui Gon: fine, I'll use Jedi tricks to make sure I get Ani.
Padme: what!? You have never finished a race? My love for you is not dwindling, just my faith.
Obviously evil machinery searches marketplace
EXT: pod race
George: CGI is your friend!
Audience: this is kinda boring; we can only take so much CGI.
George sends lightening bolt down on theater, proving, once more, that he is Zeus.
Padme: wow you won! I love you even more
Cast: good job Ani (even though you did nothing since it was all CGI)
Watto: I lost everything.
Qui Gon: tough. Now gimme my stuff.
Watto: fine! I hate you.
EXT: near ship
Obi Wan: oh no! I hate tagalongs (i.e. Jar Jar)
INT: Anikin's house
Mom: we are rich!
Ani: I am going away with Qui Gon, hehe!
Padme: YAY!
Mom: love ya ani
Ani: yeah I love myself too.
Mom: makes speech
Audience: shut up already. George, you singed my eyebrows with that lightening bolt.
George: don't mess with me!
Mom: I have a puffy skirt
Ani: this is my last innocent moment, cherish it!
Theme music plays
EXT: near naboo cruiser
Obviously evil Darth Maul receives obviously evil machinery and sets out on an obviously evil speeder in an
obviously evil attempt to kill the Jedi
Qui Gon: I like my light saber
Captain: Qui Gon is in trouble
Audience: no duh!
Qui Gon is saved. Obi Wan meets Ani
INT: naboo cruiser
Obi Wan: hi Ani (oh damn another one)
OEA: we are at war
Captain: we are at war
Amidala: negotiations, people! War is not here yet!
Audience: grow out of your shell, please!
Padme: I love you ani
Ani: I love you padme
Padme: I am queen
Ani:. I love you Padme
EXT: Corescant
Palpetine: let me greet you so I can begin betraying you right away!
Ship People: ok!
Palpetine and Valorum: we are obviously evil
Ship People: ok!
INT: senate building
Palpetine: quit working on negotiations, just go to war! Then make me chancellor and then I will help
you.
Amidala: okie day
INT: Jedi counsel
Jedi counsel: Ani is evil
Obi Wan: I knew it!
Qui Gon: Nooo he is good! He has a Christ-like birth and lots of midichloria
Yoda: it is midi chlorines, you idiot, and he is still evil.
Amidala: who is this annoying boy?
Ani: where is Padme?
Amidala: she is oot and aboot (making all the Canadian readers angry and cringe)
INT: congress meeting
Congress: just go to war lady! We like the trade federation.
Amidala: make Palpetine chancellor and let me go off and cry.
Palpetine: my obviously evil plan is working
INT: Jedi hall in Jedi building
Obi Wan: I am smarter than you!
Qui Gon: no, you are not
Obi Wan: give up on the boy!
Qui Gon: no!
Audience: we feel for you Ewan. Poor Ewan. He is so hot!
INT: Jedi counsel
Yoda: fear.leads to anger. Anger. leads to hate. Hate. leads to suffering. Suffering...leads to.
JAR JAR!!!
INT: queen's room in senate building
Jar Jar: blah blah blah.
Amidala: shut up Jar Jar.
Palpetine: I will be chancellor.
Amidala: oh no!
Palpetine: I am obviously evil
Amidala: I am home sick. Good bye.
INT: Jedi counsel
Yoda: fear. leads to anger. Anger. leads to hate. Hate. leads to suffering. Suffering.leads to.
JAR JAR!!!
Windu: he is not Jedi material.
Qui Gon: I will train him anyway.
Obi Wan: (under breath) stupid, stupid man.
Ani: I'm gonna be an obviously evil Jedi. Yay!
EXT: runway
Padme: I love you Ani
Ani: I love you Padme
Padme: I am queen
Ani:.I love you Padme
Qui Gon: midichlorians are parasites that help us
Ani: cool I got lotsa parasites.
Jar Jar: I am annoying
INT: obviously evil control room of obviously evil space station
OEA: we are at war
Audience: we know that already!
Emperor: obviously evil Darth Maul is coming to visit.
OEA: okie day
EXT: Naboo
Amidala: help me Jar Jar
Jar Jar: okie day
Audience: d‚j… vu! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Obi Wan: I am sorry
Qui Gon: you are wiser than me
Obi Wan: Duh
Amidala: help.
Padme: I am queen
Everyone: wow
Ani:. I love you Padme
Padme: help me boss nass, you are my only hope.
Audience: Ahh! Flash back to a New Hope, or flash forward. George, stop messing with our minds!
INT: obviously evil control room of obviously evil space station
Emperor: what are my chances of the cart I am on falling off the balcony?
OEA: good I hope
EXT: naboo
Boss: you can be general, Jar Jar!
Audience: Baaaaaaaad idea.
R2D2: I am really good at using CGI.
Audience: you ARE CGI.
Amidala: here's the plan. We'll send a bunch of useless ships to destroy the droids while we sneak into the palace.
We'll definitely win!
OEA: sure!
Massive Gungan CGI army fights massive droid CGI army with lots of neon colors.
INT: naboo palace
Qui Gon: Ani, why don't you stay safely hidden in a fighter?
CGI Fighters leave to blow up obviously evil massive CGI space system controller and Ani hits autopilot.
Audience: bloody brilliant idea there Ani, NOT!
Jedi: look we found obviously evil Darth Maul
Rest of group searches for OEA/ Viceroy.
Maul: I will fight the Jedi.
Massive CGI sword fight including lots of needless waving around of light sabers near the head. Also many starring
contests between fighting.
INT: Naboo Palace that has been taken over by obviously evil CGI droids
Company tries to take out 2 droids without success!
EXT: Battle field
Gungans retreat, Jar Jar jumps on a droid.
EXT: Space
Puny, unimpressive, yellow, CGI space fighters blow up huge, impressive, CGI space station from the inside out.
Audience: no, no, death star, nooooooooooo!
George: muahahahahahahahahaha
INT: Palace
Company leaves the undefeated 2 droids and somehow beat the viceroy.
Qui Gon gets hit in the back with a light saber but suffers no injures, amazingly enough. Obi Wan watches fight
before flying up several stories. Qui Gon gets stuck in the beams and meditates while obviously evil Darth Maul
plots his next move.
EXT:Battle Field
Jar Jar: I'm gonna do something stupid, okie day?
Gungans surrounded by even more droids.
INT: Palace
Qui Gon shows that he aint that swell with a light saber and gets cut up and dies.
Obi Wan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Audience: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Stop with the flash back. forwards already!
George: flashes are fun!
Obi Wan: I am better than Qui Gon!
Obi Wan gets pushed down a ledge and his lightsabor is kicked down a CGI hole.
Audience: EWAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EXT: Field
Droids fall apart because the ship is dead. Gungans rejoice.
INT:Palace
Obviously evil Darth Maul shoots sparks down at Obi Wan. Obi Wan summons Qui Gon's light saber with a mind
trick, jumps up and cuts obviously evil Darth Maul (with a very stunned look on his face) in half. Obviously evil
Darth Maul falls down the CGI hole and his CGI body breaks in half.
Qui Gon: I'm still alive. Defy the Jedi Counsel and teach Ani. I'm gonna die now, okie day?
Obi Wan: Nooooooooooooooo! No more Okie.day!
Obi wan begins to cry
INT: cremation chamber
Palpetine: I lost. Waaaaaa. Ani, I am evil.
Ani:. I love you Padme.
Obi Wan passes his Jedi test and defies Yoda and takes Ani as a padawan learner.
Yoda: fear. leads to anger. Anger. leads to hate. Hate. leads to suffering. Suffering. leads to.
ANOTHER MOVIE!!!!
Qui Gon is cremated.
Yoda: always two there are, a master and an apprentice.
Windu: which was destroyed?
Very suggestive camera pan to Palpetine.
EXT: Naboo
Random parades take place with lots of really CGI looking CGI people.
Ani: like my new do?
Padme: I love you Ani
Ani: I love you Padme
Padme: I am in a weddingish dress. Wanna marry me?
Ani:. I love you Padme.
Jar Jar does something stupid.
End credits in which George Lucas is named excessively
George: don't you love my movie?
Audience: er...
Really old guy in the front row: we waited 50 years for this piece of crap?
George sends lightening bolt and kills old man
Ominous music plays at end credits- what could happen next? Don't worry, We'll write it tonight!
Signature 20th Century Fox and Lucas Film music plays
EXT: Starry Background
STAR WARS
Bad things are happening, as usual, and the Jedi are gonna save the day. Again.
Pan Down
INT: Space ship
Quigon: let me in
Obviously Evil Alien: sure, of course, we expect your arrival
INT: Obviously Evil Space Station
TC14: come with me so I can kill you
Obi Wan: We are Jedi and I am feeling random disturbances in the force.
Qui Gon: I must reprimand you.
INT: Obviously Evil control room of obviously evil space station
OEA: go kill the Jedi.
INT: Obviously evil conference room of obviously evil space station
Qui Gon: I sense something
INT: obviously evil control room of obviously evil space station.
Emperor: kill the Jedi
OEA: told ya we should!
INT: obviously evil hall in obviously evil space station
Droids: Lets give the Jedi an excuse to use their fancy swordplay
INT: obviously evil control room of obviously evil space station
OEA: save me, save me!
Other Alien: You are so stupid.
INT: obviously evil hall in obviously evil space station
Obi Wan: now lets vanish
Qui Gon: ok
INT: obviously evil control room of obviously evil space station
Other Alien: Your plan is still not working!
INT: obviously evil hanger in obviously evil space station
Qui Gon: Lets split up for little real reason and warn the naboo.
Obi Wan: Ok
INT: obviously evil control room of obviously evil space station
Amidala: I will not go to war. You will lose.
OEA: as if!
INT: beautiful conference room in beautiful palace in Naboo
Palpatine: I know nothing (even though I am responsible for everything).
Amidala: Negotiations are the answer to everything. PEACE!
Random Counselor: We are being invaded!
Amidala: I refuse to believe such slander
EXT: Random Forests
OEA: Find the Jedi.
Droid: ok
Jar Jar: mesa gonna jumpsa infrontsa ofsa shipsa sosa isa cansa diesa.
Qui Gon: You are stupid.
Jar Jar: (unintelligible talk)
Audience: (makes cross out of fingers)
Qui Gon: take us to your city
Jar Jar: ?
Qui Gon and Obi Wan follow Jar Jar
Audience: I guess he agreed to take then to the city
EXT: Random underwater scenes INT: obviously cgi city
Qui Gon and Obi Wan: That was weird
Other Gungans: no we don't want to have to deal with you! We thought you were gone!
Head: (if possible, even harder to understand than Jar Jar)
Audience: please kill me now.
Qui Gon: I can now use my spiffy Jedi mind tricks. Now I am gonna be mean and take Jar Jar with me.
Obi Wan and Audience: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Audience: (to boss) Wow you can spit!
Obi Wan: (to Jar Jar) why were you banished?
Jar Jar: blah blah blah.
Big scary, cgi shrimp follows them and scares the hell out of audience and Jar Jar. The food chain is demonstrated.
INT: obviously evil control room of obviously evil space station
Emperor: take over naboo
OEA: ok
EXT: still in the ship, under water, being pursued by scary cgi fish.
Qui Gon: I like the force. Now I will sedate Jar Jar.
Audience: thank you!
Obi Wan has fun playing with big cgi fish and saves everyone's life
INT: palace of Naboo Tanks roll into naboo
Amidala: all the thanks and my capture will not be enough to go to war. And yes, I do need lights at the
bottom of my dress.
EXT: palace of Naboo
Qui Gon and Obi Wan: We are gymnasts. Are you impressed with our rescues and jumps?
Amidala: Save me
Audience: you have just been saved! Gosh, you are kinda slow huh?
Qui Gon: Lets fly away.
Amidala: ok
Qui Gon and Obi Wan: We like killing droids.
Audience: We noticed! Hey, George, did you mean to have the bottom half of a droid wandering around?
George: ask my staff.
EXT: naboo cruiser
R2D2 fixes the ship and saves everyone's lives.
Audience: We love you R2D2!
Captain: lets land on tatooine so we can meet Anikin.
Padme: YAY! The love of my 14-year-old life.
INT: obviously evil control room of obviously evil space station
Emperor: look, finally someone more scary than me, the obviously evil Darth Maul!
OEA: I am afraid
INT: naboo cruiser
Padme: I will clean R2D2
R2D2: yeah, that is a really good reward for saving your lives!
Jar Jar: I annoy the heck out of everyone
Audience: we know
Jar Jar: good, wesa are alsa on the samesa pagesa.
Qui Gon and Obi Wan: disturbance.in.force!
EXT: Tatooine
Padme: take me with you
Qui Gon: I don't want you to come but ok
Padme: I feel so loved. Not.
INT: watto's shop
Qui Gon: I think Anakin is in. there! Jar Jar, don't touch anything.
Jar Jar: okie day (breaks something)
Ani: Hi, I am 10, let me hit on you.
Padme: marry me!
Jar Jar breaks everything in sight
Audience: we hate you!
Qui Gon: (hand trick) credits will do fine
Watto: you are a sucky Jedi. Pay me real money.
Padme: I love you ani
Anikin: I love you padme
INT: naboo cruiser
Obi Wan: I am soooo hot
Audience: we love you sooo much
EXT: Tatooine marketplace
Jar Jar: let me steal some food and get beat up
Ani: you are really stupid.
Audience: we know!
Qui Gon: come with me
Ani: come to my house. Sand storms are very, very, dangerous.
Padme: yay I get a chance to see you again
Ani: I am such a bad actor. Mom I'm home!
INT: anikin's house
Mom: so soon? I thought I was free of you. Who is that freak you brought with you?
Audience: we all hate Jar. George, can ya please kill him off?
George: no
R2D2: I like you
C3PO: I like you too.
INT: naboo cruiser
Obi wan: I am the only one worried about the naboo.
INT: Anikin's house
Ani: I really am useless. Hey, let me set up some future plot elements! You are a Jedi
Qui Gon: Yep. Were invincible too
Ani: save me
Qui Gon: ok
Padme: I love you Ani!
Mom: gamble yourself out of your problem
Ani: well, there's a convenient pod race tomorrow.
Mom: ani, you can't race. So, go ahead. Just cause padme is madly in love with you.
INT: Watto's Shop
Padme: I am really the queen
Qui Gon: I don't care if you approve or not.
Qui Gon: so watto, we make ani race. And I'll talk you into doing a deal that's good for me and bad for you. I'm so
very clever.
Watto: I totally don't get it.
INT: naboo cruiser
Obi Wan: are you sure this is a good idea
Qui Gon: (on Motorola talk about walkie talkies) sure, ani's really cool!
Obi Wan: what?
Qui Gon: he's got lots of midichloria
Obi Wan: huh?
Qui Gon: never mind
EXT: Anikin's back yard
Mom: oh, by the way, ani had some sort of Christ-like immaculate birth
Ani: isn't my pod cool?
Friends: No! Let's leave this jerk
Jar Jar: I'm gonna do something stupid
C3PO: Jar Jar is really stupid huh?
Audience: you didn't notice? And by the way, can Jar Jar's speech possibly be any more impaired.
Jar Jar gets tongue numb from the beams
Audience: I guess so
EXT: night, anikin's balcony
Ani: I have impossible dreams
Qui Gon: good for you. Obi Wan, I need this blood test.
Obi wan: wow, he's got lots of midi chlorines.
Qui Gon: I thought. never mind.
Obviously evil ship lands. Obviously evil darth maul exits obviously evil ship and lets loose obviously evil
machinery.
EXT: Pod hanger
Watto: you wont win
Qui Gon: let's raise the stakes.
Watto: not too high, not. I'm only an AVID gambler.
Qui Gon: fine, I'll use Jedi tricks to make sure I get Ani.
Padme: what!? You have never finished a race? My love for you is not dwindling, just my faith.
Obviously evil machinery searches marketplace
EXT: pod race
George: CGI is your friend!
Audience: this is kinda boring; we can only take so much CGI.
George sends lightening bolt down on theater, proving, once more, that he is Zeus.
Padme: wow you won! I love you even more
Cast: good job Ani (even though you did nothing since it was all CGI)
Watto: I lost everything.
Qui Gon: tough. Now gimme my stuff.
Watto: fine! I hate you.
EXT: near ship
Obi Wan: oh no! I hate tagalongs (i.e. Jar Jar)
INT: Anikin's house
Mom: we are rich!
Ani: I am going away with Qui Gon, hehe!
Padme: YAY!
Mom: love ya ani
Ani: yeah I love myself too.
Mom: makes speech
Audience: shut up already. George, you singed my eyebrows with that lightening bolt.
George: don't mess with me!
Mom: I have a puffy skirt
Ani: this is my last innocent moment, cherish it!
Theme music plays
EXT: near naboo cruiser
Obviously evil Darth Maul receives obviously evil machinery and sets out on an obviously evil speeder in an
obviously evil attempt to kill the Jedi
Qui Gon: I like my light saber
Captain: Qui Gon is in trouble
Audience: no duh!
Qui Gon is saved. Obi Wan meets Ani
INT: naboo cruiser
Obi Wan: hi Ani (oh damn another one)
OEA: we are at war
Captain: we are at war
Amidala: negotiations, people! War is not here yet!
Audience: grow out of your shell, please!
Padme: I love you ani
Ani: I love you padme
Padme: I am queen
Ani:. I love you Padme
EXT: Corescant
Palpetine: let me greet you so I can begin betraying you right away!
Ship People: ok!
Palpetine and Valorum: we are obviously evil
Ship People: ok!
INT: senate building
Palpetine: quit working on negotiations, just go to war! Then make me chancellor and then I will help
you.
Amidala: okie day
INT: Jedi counsel
Jedi counsel: Ani is evil
Obi Wan: I knew it!
Qui Gon: Nooo he is good! He has a Christ-like birth and lots of midichloria
Yoda: it is midi chlorines, you idiot, and he is still evil.
Amidala: who is this annoying boy?
Ani: where is Padme?
Amidala: she is oot and aboot (making all the Canadian readers angry and cringe)
INT: congress meeting
Congress: just go to war lady! We like the trade federation.
Amidala: make Palpetine chancellor and let me go off and cry.
Palpetine: my obviously evil plan is working
INT: Jedi hall in Jedi building
Obi Wan: I am smarter than you!
Qui Gon: no, you are not
Obi Wan: give up on the boy!
Qui Gon: no!
Audience: we feel for you Ewan. Poor Ewan. He is so hot!
INT: Jedi counsel
Yoda: fear.leads to anger. Anger. leads to hate. Hate. leads to suffering. Suffering...leads to.
JAR JAR!!!
INT: queen's room in senate building
Jar Jar: blah blah blah.
Amidala: shut up Jar Jar.
Palpetine: I will be chancellor.
Amidala: oh no!
Palpetine: I am obviously evil
Amidala: I am home sick. Good bye.
INT: Jedi counsel
Yoda: fear. leads to anger. Anger. leads to hate. Hate. leads to suffering. Suffering.leads to.
JAR JAR!!!
Windu: he is not Jedi material.
Qui Gon: I will train him anyway.
Obi Wan: (under breath) stupid, stupid man.
Ani: I'm gonna be an obviously evil Jedi. Yay!
EXT: runway
Padme: I love you Ani
Ani: I love you Padme
Padme: I am queen
Ani:.I love you Padme
Qui Gon: midichlorians are parasites that help us
Ani: cool I got lotsa parasites.
Jar Jar: I am annoying
INT: obviously evil control room of obviously evil space station
OEA: we are at war
Audience: we know that already!
Emperor: obviously evil Darth Maul is coming to visit.
OEA: okie day
EXT: Naboo
Amidala: help me Jar Jar
Jar Jar: okie day
Audience: d‚j… vu! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Obi Wan: I am sorry
Qui Gon: you are wiser than me
Obi Wan: Duh
Amidala: help.
Padme: I am queen
Everyone: wow
Ani:. I love you Padme
Padme: help me boss nass, you are my only hope.
Audience: Ahh! Flash back to a New Hope, or flash forward. George, stop messing with our minds!
INT: obviously evil control room of obviously evil space station
Emperor: what are my chances of the cart I am on falling off the balcony?
OEA: good I hope
EXT: naboo
Boss: you can be general, Jar Jar!
Audience: Baaaaaaaad idea.
R2D2: I am really good at using CGI.
Audience: you ARE CGI.
Amidala: here's the plan. We'll send a bunch of useless ships to destroy the droids while we sneak into the palace.
We'll definitely win!
OEA: sure!
Massive Gungan CGI army fights massive droid CGI army with lots of neon colors.
INT: naboo palace
Qui Gon: Ani, why don't you stay safely hidden in a fighter?
CGI Fighters leave to blow up obviously evil massive CGI space system controller and Ani hits autopilot.
Audience: bloody brilliant idea there Ani, NOT!
Jedi: look we found obviously evil Darth Maul
Rest of group searches for OEA/ Viceroy.
Maul: I will fight the Jedi.
Massive CGI sword fight including lots of needless waving around of light sabers near the head. Also many starring
contests between fighting.
INT: Naboo Palace that has been taken over by obviously evil CGI droids
Company tries to take out 2 droids without success!
EXT: Battle field
Gungans retreat, Jar Jar jumps on a droid.
EXT: Space
Puny, unimpressive, yellow, CGI space fighters blow up huge, impressive, CGI space station from the inside out.
Audience: no, no, death star, nooooooooooo!
George: muahahahahahahahahaha
INT: Palace
Company leaves the undefeated 2 droids and somehow beat the viceroy.
Qui Gon gets hit in the back with a light saber but suffers no injures, amazingly enough. Obi Wan watches fight
before flying up several stories. Qui Gon gets stuck in the beams and meditates while obviously evil Darth Maul
plots his next move.
EXT:Battle Field
Jar Jar: I'm gonna do something stupid, okie day?
Gungans surrounded by even more droids.
INT: Palace
Qui Gon shows that he aint that swell with a light saber and gets cut up and dies.
Obi Wan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Audience: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Stop with the flash back. forwards already!
George: flashes are fun!
Obi Wan: I am better than Qui Gon!
Obi Wan gets pushed down a ledge and his lightsabor is kicked down a CGI hole.
Audience: EWAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EXT: Field
Droids fall apart because the ship is dead. Gungans rejoice.
INT:Palace
Obviously evil Darth Maul shoots sparks down at Obi Wan. Obi Wan summons Qui Gon's light saber with a mind
trick, jumps up and cuts obviously evil Darth Maul (with a very stunned look on his face) in half. Obviously evil
Darth Maul falls down the CGI hole and his CGI body breaks in half.
Qui Gon: I'm still alive. Defy the Jedi Counsel and teach Ani. I'm gonna die now, okie day?
Obi Wan: Nooooooooooooooo! No more Okie.day!
Obi wan begins to cry
INT: cremation chamber
Palpetine: I lost. Waaaaaa. Ani, I am evil.
Ani:. I love you Padme.
Obi Wan passes his Jedi test and defies Yoda and takes Ani as a padawan learner.
Yoda: fear. leads to anger. Anger. leads to hate. Hate. leads to suffering. Suffering. leads to.
ANOTHER MOVIE!!!!
Qui Gon is cremated.
Yoda: always two there are, a master and an apprentice.
Windu: which was destroyed?
Very suggestive camera pan to Palpetine.
EXT: Naboo
Random parades take place with lots of really CGI looking CGI people.
Ani: like my new do?
Padme: I love you Ani
Ani: I love you Padme
Padme: I am in a weddingish dress. Wanna marry me?
Ani:. I love you Padme.
Jar Jar does something stupid.
End credits in which George Lucas is named excessively
George: don't you love my movie?
Audience: er...
Really old guy in the front row: we waited 50 years for this piece of crap?
George sends lightening bolt and kills old man
Ominous music plays at end credits- what could happen next? Don't worry, We'll write it tonight!