Massive Retreat | Chapter 01

"Now that we're ALL here… KRIEGER… I can finally begin my announcemen – "

Mallory Archer, head of ISIS stopped in mid sentence. The ice cubes clinked as she swirled then carefully sniffed at her tumbler of scotch. Ruling that out, she glared accusingly at the ISIS agents assembled in front of her desk.

"What's that GOD-AWFUL smell?!"

The group began to look around. First at each other, but then their initial attention swiftly dissolved into the appearance of caring as they examined random objects in the room. Cryil Figgis the agency's comptroller, tentatively looked behind a picture on the wall, then off of Mallory's glare, sheepishly pretended to straighten it.

While field agent, Sterling Archer looked up at the lamp on the ceiling for the source, Pam swiftly dropped a lit joint she had been hiding in the palm of her hand into his Vodka and Orange. Having disposed of it successfully, she breathed a sigh of relief – releasing a thin ribbon of green smoke through her teeth.

Carol had a sudden insight.

"Ohmygod it smells just like that awful little dwarf from the carnival last month – remember?! You know – with those useless, stubby little fingers? Eew… Quick, look under the desk! He's probably under there right now… doing weird little – uh, dwarvy things…"

Dismissing Carol, Lana was trying to actually figure out where the weird smell was coming from.

"I'd lay off of those 'groovy bears' if I were you, Carol."

Carol's eyes grew wide and excited as she reached into her bag pulling out a small, bright red and dangerously drug-laced gummi bear.

"Ooooh."

Lana's eyebrows rose slightly as she said nervously, under her breath to Carol, "Uh, Seriously – I think you're gonna want to cool it with those things."

Then, addressing the rest of the group – "So what IS that smell? It's getting pretty strong – Kreiger? You haven't said anything yet – what do you think it is?"

Kreiger was standing behind everyone and staring straight ahead.

"Krieger!" Lana yelled practically in his ear. "Do you seriously NOT smell tha – oookaaaay. What's in the sack your holding?"

Maintaining a fixed, slightly haunted stare, Krieger continued looking dead ahead. But as all the attention was now focused squarely on him, he finally answered in a tightly wound, formal tone.

"Sack…? What sack? I don't have a sack."

"YES you do, dicknuts!" Pam brayed, "It's right THERE in your hands – and whatever stinky shit is in there had better be edible! Because I am REALLY friggin' hungry …" She glanced at Archer's glass "…for um… some unknown reason."

Krieger continued to stare straight ahead, eyes growing large as the internal panic began to manifest. As he spoke, there was a tremor running through his petulant and carefully modulated voice.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have a sack…per se – and NOTHING should be smelling… yet."

Ray Gillette rolled his chair over and, pointing to a large, deep red stain in the bottom of the sack, looked up at Krieger. "Well whatever you're callin' it honey – the mystery goo in your pillow case is startin' to leak…"

Looking down with a horrified expression, Krieger suddenly gasped, "Oh GHOD – it's starting to THAW!" Then he furtively pivoted and dashed from the room.

The group looked on in silence as they heard his footsteps disappear down the hall. A door slammed, there was a sound of breaking glass and sobbing… Archer felt the need to do something about the awkward silence that followed.

"Why do we even let him out of this building? EVER? Seriously – we should keep him locked up here all the time…"

Mallory was losing her patience.

"OH you know he hasn't been out for months! Not since the whole mortuary incede – OH, just never mind that – we need to get back to why I brought you – "

Lana was confused now – "SO then – exactly how did he get that sack of weird… shit?"

Popping another 'groovy bear' Carol answered lightly, "Oh, he uses sandwiches and snacks from the vending machine to lure uh, "subjects" into the garbage chute… Then I drop bricks on their heads – then he keeps me supplied with these litt – forget I said anything."

Lana stared at the ground. "I sooooo didn't want to know that."

Slamming a solid and extremely dangerous looking crystal paperweight down on her desk, Mallory riveted the entire room's attention.

"IF we can PLEASE get back to the reason I called this meeting…"

Archer was still coming to terms with what he had just witnessed…

"Wow – Krieger is like the Johan Dippel of modern research!"

Everyone just stared at him blankly.

"You know – Johan Dippel? Scientist – grave robber… Inventor of 'Prussian – Blue – Dye?' No one?! Really? Am I the only one who ever bothers to pick up a boo –"

"Sterling Archer – will you FOCUS?!"

Catching a flash out of the corner of his eye – Archer was able to duck just in time to avoid Mallory's glass that was hurtling through the air at his head, trailing booze and ice cubes in its wake like the tail of an angry, alcohol fueled comet. His lightening reflexes caused the missile to fly harmlessly past him and smash on the wall next to Cyril, accompanied by a chorus of gasps.

"GOD – Mother! What is your freakin' PROB –"

"My problem, Sterling – is the appalling lack of team work at ISIS! It is causing sloppy and disconnected work in the field and a lack of attention to detail here in the home office as well."

Ray rolled his eyes, then moved his wheel chair forward slightly – "'Home office' – puh-lease – this is the ONLY office. It's not like we're ODIN or anything…"

"And it's just THAT kind of back talk, 'Ms. Gillette' that has been hurting morale at ISIS!"

"…and I'm sure it will be good ol' gay bashing that'll bring the team together…" Ray muttered sullenly.

Cyril spoke up tentatively.

"So… should I… wait until after the meeting to pull this glass splinter out of my eye? I'm pretty sure there's no permanent damage, but it still really, really hur – "

"Oh shut up Cryil!" Mallory ordered as she poured out a new drink.

Sterling saw an opportunity to redirect the animosity in the room and chimed in.

"Yeah, Cyril – give it a rest – you're always making everything about you!"

"SO, Mallory – " Lana ventured, navigating the discussion back to the main topic, "why did you bring us here?"

"Thank you Lana – to address the overwhelming lack of team cohesion, which I think you'll all agree – is self evident – I have engaged a consulting group. I have engaged them at no small expense, I might add…"

Cryil considered the term – "no small expense" and quietly said in a tremulous voice, "The pain just grows…" Mallory just continued, speaking over him.

"…to 'coach' us in a series of intensive team building exercises that will put – once and for all – our disruptive habits behind us!"

"Yay!" Carol jumped up and, to her horror, several candy bears bounced out of her bag and spilled on the floor. "Oh god no…" she whispered, as she dropped to her hands and knees collecting them, "…the source of all my power!"

Pam knelt down next to Carol and reached for one of the colorful candy bears…

"Here, lemme help you with that…Oowwwitch!" Carol hissed like a viper and slapped her hand away.

"You have GOT to be kidding, mother! That is SO gay!" Sterling groaned.

Ray shook his head incredulously… "Yep, that's ISIS – a culture embracing diversity…"

"Oh – can it Ray!" Mallory retorted. Pointing to his wheel chair, she continued, "I've gone to great lengths to make you feel accommodated – putting those little ramps everywhere and grab bars and God knows what else all over the place to help you with your… 'affliction' and all."

Ray was incredulous "It's NOT an affliction! I'm paralyzed!" Then as if he could hear Lana and Sterling rolling their eyes – he added, "For REAL this time – God!"

A wavering voice in the back reasserted itself to the group. It was Cyril. He had a red stained handkerchief against the corner of his eye.

"So – I think I better see a doctor pretty soon because it's starting to –"

Archer was appalled at Cyril's bad manners. "GOD! Cyril – can you not think about anything other than your own selfish needs for even one second?!"

Ignoring Sterling and Cyril, Lana asked Mallory,

"Okay – when do these team building consultants get here – and more importantly, who are they? I'm assuming (knowing full well what a bad idea that is), that they've been thoroughly checked out and cleared by security?"

Confidently, Mallory took a huge pull on her scotch and answered back.

"Despite your complete and total lack of confidence in me and my judgment Lana, I can assure you, that all your security concerns are unwarranted."

Lana's brow furrowed slightly… "Okay – that answered NONE of my questions, which leads me to believe that in fact, this consulting firm has not been checked out and that we could be compromising the safety of ISIS not to mention our numerous clients."

"For your information Lana, the consulting firm's name is 'Rose in Bloom Synergistic Technologies' and we will be going to them." Lana opened her mouth to speak but Mallory, just raised her hand silencing her and added, "Before you say anything – security will NOT be an issue. The President and CEO, Charleston 'Chuck' Rosenbloom himself, will be overseeing the engagement. And as he is an old and dear friend of mine, I can personally vouch for his character and the professional nature of his agency."

Having finished her drink, Mallory poured another and continued.

"They have a beautiful extravagant resort on Mt. Massive in the picturesque state of Colorado – Carol, after you gather up your psychedelic candies, please book us all flights to Denver, then we will need connecting flights to the town of Leadville where we'll all meet up. The following morning a shuttle will be waiting to take us to the facility."

As the team headed out, Mallory called after them, "And START packing because we leave tomorrow!"