A/N: Fluff week cross-posting from Ao3!

They'd crashed.

Somehow, no one could actually bring themselves to be surprised.

Carolina was the first to move, unstrapping herself from the pelican and stumbling towards the cockpit to check on Niner.

"If you're dead, raise your hand," York groaned.

"What if we only feel like we're dead?" Wash had somehow landed on the floor.

"Raise a finger then," York suggested.

"Hey York!" South brandished her middle finger at him as she struggled to her feet, dragging North with her. He'd bumped his head during the crash, and was leaning against her, his head nodding slightly. Theta projected above his shoulder, clearly concerned, but unsure of what to do.

"Now, there's no need to be rude," York said dryly.

"You knew that was coming," CT pointed out, nudging Wash with her foot.

"Maybe," York admitted, glancing at Maine. "You okay, man?"

"Agent Maine is fine, Agent York," Sigma appeared in a flicker of flame.

"Everyone accounted for?" Carolina emerged from the cockpit again, Niner following her, seething with barely-concealed fury. Whatever had caused their crash was going to regret it.

"Yes, Agent Carolina," Delta said, as if he hadn't been screaming in York's head for the entirety of the crash.

"We know where we are?" North asked, finally having managed to find his footing.

"The middle of fucking nowhere," Niner hissed. "There's probably no one around for miles and miles—"

There was a pounding on the door. "Hey, anyone in here? Please tell me you didn't land on anyone this time, we already went through that bullshit once!"

They all stared at each other.

"Or, someone could be right here," Carolina said, gesturing for everyone to get into position.

The door opened with a clang, and a soldier in bright aqua armor came in, some sort of strange plasma sword in his hand.

He stared at them. "Wow, there are a lot more of you than I expected." He paused, seeming to consider. "Command didn't say anything about reinforcements… oh shit, you guys are Freelancers, aren't you?"

They all looked at each other again. "You know about Freelancers?" York was the one who speaks up.

The soldier laughed. "Hell yeah! There's been like, a shit ton of you assholes coming here for stupid reasons." He paused again, evaluating them. "You're not here to kill us all, are you? Because I'm pretty sure Wyoming has an exclusive contract on that shit."

"Wyoming?" They all chorused.

"Great, not here to kill us then!" He nodded. "Welcome to Blood Gulch! Enjoy your stay!" The soldier started to walk away.

They thought they heard him laughing as he headed towards one of the bases in the distance.

"Why would Wyoming take a contract on killing Sim Troopers?" North frowned.

"I don't know," Carolina said grimly. "But I suspect we're about to find out."

They got out of the pelican, and looked around.

The canyon was nothing but dirt and grass, with the two bases situated on either ends. It was pretty pathetic, even in terms of Sim Trooper operations.

"He said Blood Gulch, right?" CT said. "Which experiment was that?"

They all looked at Carolina, who was the one who actually paid attention to stuff like that.

"Blood Gulch," she said quietly, staring into space. "It was something about taking the most incompetent soldiers possible and sticking them all in one place."

"And they know about Freelancers. And Wyoming's been hired to kill them." Wash raised his hands into the air, just to emphasize the ridiculousness of the whole situation.

"Here I thought he just killed Sim Troopers for sport," South said, crossing her arms. North nudged her. "What? That was a joke."

Suddenly, a warthog pulled up, with two soldiers in it. "You're not blues," the orange one said, squinting at them.

"Well, no shit dumbass," said the maroon one who was manning the gun.

"Great! Guess we just go home and tell Sarge that there isn't an impending blue invasion."

"Are they just ignoring me?" Carolina wondered.

"No, we're just choosing to not acknowledge it," the orange one told her. "Freelancers just mean drama."

The maroon one started spluttering. "What makes you think they're Freelancers?"

"Simmons. It's Blood Gulch, and we've got strangers in weird armor. Bet you five bucks that Blue Base is on fire by the end of the night."

"I'll take those odds," Simmons said, tilting his head as he looked at them. "Tex isn't here, you know," he told them. "She ran off again last week."

"Tex?" This time, Carolina's voice rose above the rest.

"Yeah, Texas? Mean chick, wears black a lot, has a habit of blowing shit up?" The orange one shrugged. "She's gone again. Said she had shit to do. Don't know when she'll be back. O'Malley's been sulking in the caves since she left. C'mon Simmons, let's go back before Sarge sends Donut after us." The warthog drove off in a blaze of polka music. And the Freelancers all stared after them.

"They seem oddly willing to not have anything to do with us," CT mused.

"I'm pretty sure they think Freelancers are more trouble than we're worth," North said, shouldering his sniper rifle and zooming in on the Reds, following them back to their base. "Oh, yep, that's exactly what they're saying."

"If they've met Tex and Wyoming, I think I can see why," York said mildly.

"Why the hell would Texas spend time here?" Carolina asked blankly.

"The scenery?" Wash suggested.

"What the hell is an O'Malley?" South asked, thinking back over what the Sim Troopers had said.

Maine grunted.

"I guess we should go find out," Carolina said.

"Blue base is closer, should we head there first?" CT asked, jerking her thumb towards it.

"Why not?" Carolina rolled her eyes as they headed down the hills towards the base.

At the foot of the hills, to their surprise, they found a soldier in regulation blue.

"Hello!" He enthused. "You are the new Freelancers! Tucker said that there were a lot of you! And then Church told me to go say hello!"

They all glanced at each other. The soldier was oddly friendly.

"What's your name?" Carolina asked.

"I am Caboose!" He had to be positively beaming behind that helmet. "It is so good to meet you!"

"Caboose!" The aqua soldier ran up towards them. "Caboose, what the fuck are you doing? We told you to stay away from the Freelancers! Don't you remember what happened last time?"

Caboose stared at the other soldier blankly. "But Church said—"

"Church was being sarcastic, you idiot!" He grabbed the massive blue soldier by the arm and tried to move him, but the other soldier remained firm. "We really don't need you to get shot right now! O'Malley's in Doc right now, and I really don't want to have to deal with his bullshit today!"

"Who's O'Malley?" Carolina asked, crossing her arms. The aqua soldier looked at her like he'd forgotten she was there.

"Oh, him? He's Tex's AI. He's trying to take over the world right now, but he's mostly just sulking 'cause Tex ran off to deal with Freelancer bullshit again."

"Ran off?" North asked. "How much time does she spend around here?"

Tucker shrugged. "I dunno dude, she's here sometimes, and then she's gone. She just picks up and goes away. And then like a week later she's back, and she kicks our asses, she fights with Church, and then she's gone again."

"Why does she come here?" Carolina pushed.

"Probably because she and Church are in the middle of their weird masochistic tango!" The Reds had returned, this time with three more passengers—a man in pink armor, another in regulation red, and one in brown.

The red soldier, the one who had spoken, plowed on as he leapt out of the vehicle. "The cha-cha of bickering! The waltz of on-again-off-again!"

"Hey, fuck you!" A cobalt soldier had emerged from the blue base, carrying a sniper rifle. "You fucking shut up about Tex, okay?"

"Or what?" The orange one taunted. "You going to shoot us? I'm so scared."

"Fuck you!" The blue soldier pointed his rifle at them and fired at the orange soldier.

North tilted his head, clearly torn between laughter and despair.

"That was the worst shot ever," Wash said quietly. "Of all time."

"Oh, you be quiet," the blue one—apparently named Church glowered, taking a step closer towards them.

Suddenly, half of the Freelancers staggered, as the AI cried out, almost in unison.

Alpha!

Theta burst into existence with his usual fireworks, and got as close to Church as he could manage. "Alpha! You're here!" He cried, and Church staggered backwards, shocked.

"What the fuck!"

"More AI?"

"We're all going to fucking die!"

"Hello, Alpha," Delta said politely, not infringing on Church's personal space as much, instead staying close to York. But he was definitely glowing brighter than normal. "It is very nice to meet you."

"Hey, dipshit," the cobalt soldier pointed at Delta. "My name is Church. Leonard fucking Church, okay?" He turned away and strode off, muttering. "Alpha, Tex was fucking right, they're all fucking weird."

Carolina was standing very still. York nudged her slightly. "Are you okay?" He asked, too quiet for the others to hear.

She shook herself slightly. "I'm fine," she said, but her voice wavered slightly. She straightened her shoulders, and shook her head to right herself. "I'm fine," she repeated, and this time, York almost believed her.

"So," the pink soldier said, still sitting in the warthog. "Love the armor. It's so dynamic!"

"Donut! Stop talking fashion with the enemy!" The red soldier snapped.

"Did he just say, Donut?"

"What enemy? They're Freelancers! If we're fighting them, we're already dead!"

The red soldier stopped, as if considering it.

"We're not here to fight," Carolina snapped. "Our ship crashed. We're just waiting for someone to respond to our signal, and bring us back to command."

Suddenly, all the soldiers froze.

"A radio signal?" The maroon soldier asked, his voice suddenly very high-pitched.

"Fuck, did they just say what I thought they said?" Church came charging out of the base again, much to the delight of the collective AI.

"Of course it's a radio signal," Carolina frowned. "What else would it—"

The Blues and Reds spun to face each other. "Truce?" The aqua soldier said.

"Truce! For now!" The red soldier agreed. "Men! Prepare for battle!"

"What are you talking about?" Wash asked.

"If it's a radio signal out of this canyon, O'Malley's going to jump!" Church said. "Last time we had to go through a whole bunch of bullshit, and we don't want to go through with that again!"

"Tucker got pregnant!" Caboose said cheerfully.

Tucker activated his alien sword. "Sheila!"

Suddenly, there was a tank.

"Hello!" A very familiar voice said. "How can I help you, Private Tucker?"

"FILSS?" South shouted. "What the fuck are you doing in a tank?"

Her query went unanswered.

"Lopez, get in Sheila!" Tucker yelled. "We've got a ship to blow up before O'Malley tries to take over the universe again!"

"Don't you dare blow up my ship," Niner growled.

"Sorry, Tex will kill us if we don't, and Tex is scarier than you, lady," Grif yelled before the warthog took off in the direction of the pelican.

By the time they got there, Agent Texas was standing in front of the pelican, holding what looked to be pieces of their radio in her hands.

"Took you guys long enough," she said.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Carolina snapped.

Tex didn't seem even remotely phased by their appearance. "Just visiting my boyfriend," she said lightly, but there was a tenseness to her shoulders.

"Tex! You're back!" Church seemed pleased, slinging his rifle back across his back. "These AI are starting to drive me crazy! They keep calling me Alpha or something."

Tex glared at Theta and Delta. "Can't keep a fucking secret," she muttered.

"Wait, so he is—" North's question was interrupted with the boom of a rocket launcher.

"Muhahahaha!" An evil laugh straight from a B-movie echoed throughout the valley. "You fools! You have all walked right into my trap!"

"Talk later, fight the evil AI now?" Tex suggested, cracking her knuckles.

Carolina sighed, and prepared her speed boost. "We will talk," she threatened.

"Charge!" Sarge yelled, firing his shotgun into the air.

And then everything fell into chaos.