Title: Sacrifice
Authors: me and spacejunkie82
Rating: PG-15
Genre: angst, romance
Pairing: Sparky, bit of Sheyla as well
Disclaimer: Not ours.
Spoilers: slight mention of s2 'Epiphany', set in s3
Summary: A marriage on Atlantis leads to unforeseen revelations. Starring Fate, Elizabeth Weir and John Sheppard.
Title inspired by the song 'Sacrifice' by Elton John.
She drew a shuddery breath and felt her lungs fill with the much needed air. Inside she could hear the celebration, but she just had to leave. She had felt crowded, as if there was not enough air for her to breathe. Now, standing on the balcony and looking out over the rough sea, she was feeling much better. A wind had come up earlier that day and the waves swapped loudly against the city. The rolling of the waves was loud enough for her to hear, despite the noise of the celebration.
It had been a wonderful ceremony. So much more intense than any Earth marriage she had ever seen. There was no priest, no vows. Still it was the most moving thing she had ever seen. The way the bride and groom had looked at each other, unwavering, their eyes never leaving each other. That was when Elizabeth had felt it, the constriction in her chest that made it hard to breathe. Even now, standing outside in the fresh air she felt as if her chest was too small for her.
When Athosians married it was forever. When she had looked at the couple's eyes, she had not seen the slightest uncertainty, no quivering, no doubt and she couldn't help but wonder whether anyone would ever look at her like that. Maybe it was her own fault, she thought. She always tried to be in control, to be a strong leader. Those occasions where she made Doctor Weir take a back seat and have Elizabeth step to the front were rare.
Brushing away a silent tear that was falling from her green eyes, she fastened them on the sea and concentrated on the rhythmic rolling of the waves. It probably was time to take her chances for real. Simon and her, they were history. If she had really felt for him as much as she had thought, she would never have gone to Atlantis. Deep down, she had always known that, but a part of her had refused to accept this. He had been her chance, even if she understood now that their love had not been strong enough, not true enough.
Her heart had not jumped every time that she was close to him, her world had not stopped to turn when he had looked at her just the right way and her knees had not gone week when she had kissed him. She had only experienced this kind of reaction once and the thought scared her a bit. He was everything but right for her and still she had felt her whole world crumbling down each time she thought she had lost him. For him she had fought Generals back on Earth, for him she had walked into a time dilation field with the possible prospect of never coming back.
Was it really that easy, she wondered as her eyes looked through the colored glass of the doors to seek out the person that was currently on her mind. The moment her eyes settled on him, she felt her heart jump and the butterflies in her stomach rustle their wings. Maybe it really was time to take her chances. She trusted him. Enough to know that he would not hurt her.
When John saw her out there on the balcony, he immediately knew something was up. Something troubled her and he decided to find out what it was. After all, the wedding would be celebrated all night and if he could offer a friend a shoulder to lean on then it was the least he could do. She smiled weakly at him when he stepped outside and he casually walked over to the railing. The look on her face told him this wasn't just some little down, this was serious.
Trying to find a way to start, Elizabeth's hands grabbed the railing next to him, her head slightly tilted to her right so she could see him.
"So?" he asked, his eyes never leaving the ocean. He knew she was probably doing the eyebrow thing again and he smirked slightly as he continued. "What are you doing here? The party's over there!" To underline his statement, he pointed his thumb in the right direction.
"I needed some fresh air."
He didn't say a word, just kept on watching the sea and she knew he didn't buy it. One last time, she inhaled deeply. This was it. No turning back after that point.
"John, we need to talk."
John's eyebrow shot up and she knew this had sounded worse than it was.
"I swear I didn't want to break that thing on your desk."
He should've known she'd find out, he thought to himself. It had looked so interesting, so many tiny things on it and he just hadn't been able to keep his hands away from it.
"No, John. That's not what I wanted to talk about."
"You didn't?"
Relief was palpable on his face and she grinned softly at the confused look that followed.
"Wait, you mean you had no idea it was broken?"
Taking deep breaths to calm herself down she was so tempted to take John's offer up and let herself be distracted, but she knew if she did this, she would never have the guts to say what she really wanted to. This was her chance. Every fiber in her was screaming for her to give it a go and she saw the look on John's face sober up when he realized she wasn't smiling.
"This is bad, isn't it?"
He asked a bit skeptical and she nodded shortly before her brain caught up with her movements.
"No, I mean... it's not bad... at least I don't hope it is... it's just serious... at least it is for me and I hope it is for you as well, but I really don't know and I'm..."
She was stopped by John who had taken her hands. His eyes were looking at her intently and she calmed down immediately. Although John had been pretty sure that this problem was indeed serious, the look in Elizabeth's eyes had told him that much, her latest rambling scared him.
It was after all her job to be good with words and she was. For her to start rambling like this it would have to be big. Really big. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, he softly brushed her hands.
"Tell me."
Her eyes sought out his and she saw everything in there that she wanted to. Tenderness, kindness… love? Her voice quivered lightly when she finally started to say those words.
"I think I love you."
John dropped her hands as if they were hot coals. Had she drunken some of the Athosian brew that was handed out behind him? His eyes scanned her quickly, but she looked sober. This just wasn't good. She couldn't love him. He wasn't made for things like everlasting love.
"Uhm... well..." stuttering, he took a step backwards and the door opened up behind him, the noise from the party now filling the eerie silence that was hanging between the two.
She could feel her heart breaking. One time she took her chances and the one she trusted most stumped her hopes. His reaction was as clear as crystal. He was freaked out by the thought of this. Was she really so heartless, so cold, such a monster that no one could love her? Blinking back the tears that were stinging in her eyes, she watched him leave.
"I... I'm sorry Elizabeth. I can't." was all he said as he fled the balcony. Really, what else was he supposed to say to that? She couldn't just drop that she loved him. He was John Sheppard. He was the easy guy, not the one for serious long lasting relationships and somehow he had the feeling with her it would be just that.
Furthermore, what was she thinking? Was she really thinking? The two of them really, really didn't fit together. He was just a soldier who had done things that she didn't even want to think about. She was sophisticated, beautiful and all those other things that he wasn't. This wouldn't, couldn't work out. Seeing Rodney McKay eyeing his green drink of the local brew with some resentment, John quickly made his way towards him and downed the drink before Rodney even had the chance to protest.
Carson, who stood next to Rodney during this whole incident, had seen John going to the balcony where Elizabeth had disappeared minutes ago. From the look on John's face after he returned, he could tell that something went bad. He prayed it wasn't what he thought. Stepping onto the balcony as quietly as possible, he could see Elizabeth gripping the rail tightly, her head hanging low. Even through the noise from inside he could hear her sobbing. Elizabeth had been his best friend for years now. The two of them went back way before the expedition, they shared everything with each other and he had never seen her so broken... so fragile and that deeply concerned him. Something must have gone terribly wrong. Shortening the distance between them, he ran his hand up and down her back in a comforting manner.
"Lassie...you told him?" She nodded and Carson closed his eyes momentarily.
"Carson..." she started. "What have I done wrong? What have I done that the chance of being happy was taken away from me?" Halfway through the sentence her voice broke, heavy with emotions.
"You haven't done anything wrong, Elizabeth. You'll find happiness in a short time. Uhm, what did he say?"
Elizabeth sniffed and wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. She turned to face Carson.
"Not much. He just said he was sorry and that he couldn't."
Carson, who had observed the duo flirting back and forth for sometime now, was shocked to say the least. He could see John's eyes twinkling every time he made Elizabeth laugh or smile but what she was telling him now was just beyond him. He really didn't understand John's behavior and on top of that, he was really angry at him. Instead of running away, the least thing he could do was explain himself or apologize.
"I guess I don't stand a chance against all those hot alien chicks."
"Elizabeth!" Carson scolded her. How could she think that she was not worth loving?
"Don't even think like that! Aye, he may be Captain Kirk and flirt with everything with a skirt and long legs. But he doesn't share his soul with them; he puts up a wall to keep him from getting emotionally hurt. But when he's around you, he lets his guard down. I have observed that much. You know him better than you think."
"If I did, I wouldn't have told him." She looked down at their feet, and then looked back into Carson's eyes. "I just ruined one beautiful friendship and I don't think I can face him again after that."
The tears gathered in her eyes once again and Carson watched silently as they spilled over her cheeks. He closed the distance between them and pulled her into a tight hug. This time she didn't sob but clung to him, her fingers clutching handfuls of his shirt tightly.
Inside John was doing his best not to look at the doors that led to the balcony. The green liquid of the local brew was burning down his pipe and he hissed slightly.
"Colonel?" Rodney was looking irritated at his former drink whose empty glass was now in John's hands.
"Right, I'm sorry. Here!" pushing the empty glass into Rodney's hands, John walked off to find the waiter and a new glass. Alcohol was good. Much of it preferably. He was still shocked to no end. Why did Elizabeth tell him something like that? The two of them were colleagues, they needed to work together. He'd never be able to look her straight in the eye if they ever got together and he'd hurt her. He'd never be able to hurt her. He'd... at that moment he stopped dead. He'd never be able to hurt her and yet he just had.
This wasn't good. He shouldn't just leave it hanging in the air like that. How could they work together properly after what had just happened? He needed to clear things between them. They were after all the two commanders of this mission. Whatever affected them, affected the whole mission.
Without any conscious decision his feet directed him to the door he'd been avoiding so badly. He wasn't sure she was still out there, but he hoped she'd be. He didn't see the doors parting before him. His eyes were cast to the ground while he was walking through. What was he supposed to tell her? he asked himself, but came up with no answer. Stepping out into the nightly air he started with the only word on his mind.
"Elizabeth." his eyes sought her out on the balcony and his brain shut down the very second he found her. There she was, her arms holding onto Carson as if he was her life, her face buried in Carson's neck. Stumbling back out of the doors John fled the sight. He wasn't sure whether the two love birds on the balcony had seen him or not, but he didn't care either way.
'Stupid! Stupid!' he chastised himself. What was he thinking? This was all her fault. She had started all this, saying something she obviously didn't mean. She was probably drunk, couldn't think straight. Gosh, this was all a big gigantic mess. Resisting the need to kick something he caught the waiter instead and bribed him to keep up a constant supply of alcohol. Then he downed glass after glass of the green liquid.
Teyla watched John inhale one drink after another and was surprised by the amount of alcohol the man seemed to be able to handle. Any other man she knew would already have been in the infirmary, but not Colonel Sheppard. He merely seemed to be slightly drunk, but then Teyla wasn't really sober herself. The woman that had been married today had been like a sister to her and Teyla drank more than just one glass to celebrate this occasion. It wasn't before long when she noticed John's eyes on her and she grinned in reply.
"You having fun?" John asked, walking over to her.
"Yes, I have. You seem to have fun yourself."
"Not as much as I'd like to have." John slurred. He had no idea what had gotten into him. All he knew was that he needed something more to help him forget. That green stuff wasn't working properly and John dearly needed to erase the sight of Elizabeth and Carson from his brain.
Before he knew what had happened, he and Teyla were standing in a dark corner of the city, kissing furiously.
"My quarters." she mumbled between kisses on his jaw line and he groaned softly. The two left the party that was by now dying down and he ended up following Teyla through the long corridors of Atlantis. He let out a pleased sigh when they arrived at her quarters and she had him pinned up against the wall in no time. Her lips were feasting on his neck and it felt delicious, but at the same time it felt not right. Something was wrong, but he had no idea what. She pressed into him softly, then harder and then pulled back to look at him in surprise.
"John? Don't you think I'm attractive?"
"Wha? I think you're very..."
Then it hit him. He knew what was wrong. Looking down at him the sight confirmed it. Damn it! This couldn't be happening.
"I..." John was lost for words and while he was still searching for the right things to say he already felt Teyla's hot lips on his neck again.
"Maybe you just need a bit more help."
With that her hand closed over his crotch, tugging and pulling, squeezing and massaging gently. And it felt great. Oh so great. Even so, nothing was stirring in his pants. He had a wonderful woman plastered to his body, massaging him through his pants and he couldn't get it up. Closing his eyes in frustration he pushed Teyla away.
"Listen, I'm sorry Elizabeth, but this isn't going to work."
A silence fell over the room and when he opened his eyes again he saw Teyla gaping at him. She looked as if he'd just told her the sky was in fact green.
"Elizabeth?"
The word was but a whisper, but still he heard. Unfortunately he wasn't that lucky the next time as this time it was a scream. He had no idea why she was calling Elizabeth's name - this was really the last name he had expected to hear -, so he looked at her questioningly, ready to defend himself. If he read Teyla's facial expression right he was in for some major beating up.
"Go, John. Now." she hissed through gritted teeth. He didn't understand what was going on, but could imagine that she was pretty pissed because he couldn't get it up. Before he left, he turned around to face her and her wrath.
"Teyla, listen. This isn't going to stand between us, right?"
At least one time this evening he was going to talk things over. Fortunately it worked. As soon as the anger on her face had risen it vanished and she smiled weakly at him.
"I understand, John. You promised your heart to someone else. It all will be fine. I won't let this incident cloud my judgment."
Someone else? John was now completely lost and stood irritated in front of Teyla's door after he was shoved out. Someone else? Someone... Damn, had he just called Teyla Elizabeth? His fist made contact with the wall when he realized what he had just said. His head was spinning and his stomach didn't feel too well either. Elizabeth. Why did it all come down to her today? He had just wanted to forget her and now he was back at the start again.
Elizabeth. This was it! It was her fault, always had been. If she hadn't said those words, if she hadn't swayed her hips just that way during those years on Atlantis, if she hadn't gone on the mission in the first place this whole fucked up situation could have been prevented. It can't be as simple as that, he told himself, but apparently it was. The embarrassment, the fear, the guilt, everything was her fault.
To John things started to make perfect sense now. She knew it was her fault. That's why she had defended him back on Earth, that was why she went after him when he had been in the time dilation field. She had tried to erase her guilt, had tried to make the things that she had messed up right.
Determinedly, John started in the direction of Elizabeth's quarters. He would give her a piece of his mind, would tell her how it was all her fault and she would be on her knees begging for pardon within minutes. In his head, John kept repeating his speech over and over. The best way to start would probably be by declaring it was all her fault.
Elizabeth had snuggled under the blankets of her bed. Carson had told her to get some sleep and though she desperately willed sleep to come and make her forget about the embarrassment and pain of the last hours, sleep wasn't that merciful. She lay awake, crying silent tears. She hated herself for being this weak, for showing her hurt so openly, but now that she had allowed Elizabeth to take center stage and have Doctor Weir take a time out it was surprisingly hard to get back into control. How could she have been so foolish, she asked herself over and over again, but there really wasn't an easy answer. She had believed in John, had wanted him to love her, but he didn't. If she knew one thing about love then it was that you couldn't force it. Simon and her had been the best example.
Carson had told her too many times to count that John was a jerk, that she would have been the best thing ever happening to him and that it was his loss not hers, but she still couldn't really believe him.
A soft buzzing from the door shook her out of her thoughts and she struggled free from her blankets, brushing away the tears from her eyes. The buzzing noise rang again. Who ever it was standing out there seemed to urgently need to talk to her. Maybe it is John, a weak voice inside of her whispered, but she crushed it forcefully. Even if it was him, she wouldn't give in to any excuses he might make now. None. Of course, if he happened to kiss her tears away she probably would be persuaded to accept an apology. The door opened and in fact there he was. Butterflies started rustling in her stomach, no matter how much she tried to suppress it. She was angry at him, she chastised herself.
"Elizabeth..." he started and her name on his lips sounded oh so sweet in her ears.
"This is all your fault. This whole mess, it's all your fault. I embarrassed myself and Teyla, I swear this never happened before... I... I, did I mention that this is your fault? You shouldn't have said that. You didn't have the right. This was all a plan of yours, wasn't it? You're watching me and laughing about how stupid I am, dontcha? You're laughing with him! Of all people! HIM! Why did you come to Atlantis in the first place? You're the worst that ever happened to me and the mission!"
"I'm what? Okay, stop here Colonel!"
When he had started talking she had merely been stunned and irritated, but as he went on her anger had risen and risen and now it was boiling.
"You can't order me, Doctor!"
"I can't order you? I'm the Commander of this expedition and you're drunk!"
"I'm not drunk!"
They were standing mere inches apart from each other, both faces red with anger, John's index finger raised in a scolding gesture, nearly poking her.
"Colonel, I suggest you leave now before you say more things you might regret in the morning."
With that Elizabeth turned on the spot, closing the door behind her and locking it. As soon as she was sure that John couldn't see her, tears started rolling over her face. The worst that ever happened to him, he had said.
Outside the door stood a stunned John. This hadn't gone the way he had wanted it to. Who did she think she was? She couldn't order him! But standing alone in the corridor glaring at the door he had to admit he looked rather idiotic. Kicking her door one last time for good measure he turned around and stormed off in the direction of the gym to vent off his anger.
He was gone in several seconds so he didn't see Carson rushing to Elizabeth's room. He knocked gently.
"Elizabeth? It's me, Carson."
He heard the lock disengaging and the next second the door opened, revealing a mess that was Dr. Elizabeth Weir.
"Bloody hell." he gathered her in his arms and stroked her back soothingly. "What did he do this time?"
"He...he just came here drunk and started accusing me of something and..." her voice hitched with sobs "...he said that I was the worst that ever happened to him and the expedition." Carson clenched his fists behind her back.
"That bloody bastard. Elizabeth...he's not worth it if he does something like this to you. You have every right to hate him."
"I don't." she disentangled herself from Carson's embrace, wiping her tears and sitting on her bed as she looked at him. "As much as I want to, I can't. So much for my happy ending." Carson sighed and moved to sit next to her.
"I know." They sat in complete silence for a while, both of them lost in their thoughts until Elizabeth spoke up. It hurt Carson to see her like this, doubting herself and he very much felt like strangling John Sheppard right now, Hippocratic vow be damned.
"I'll request a transfer back to Earth as soon as Deadalus returns." Carson's head snapped to her.
"What? Elizabeth! You can't do that!"
"Why not, Carson? I have nothing to lose. I can't face him after all this."
"So you just chicken out? I've known you long enough to know that you don't run from problems. You're not a coward, Elizabeth."
"But I will be the one suffering! You know what I have to bear everyday and this will just add to the reasons that I can't sleep without the sedatives you gave me."
"Aye, I know that. But I also know that these people need you to be their leader. You are an excellent leader."
"And that's where you're wrong!" Elizabeth exclaimed, bolted from the bed and started pacing.
"Elizabeth, don't doubt yourself."
"I don't have to. Certain people do it for me."
"Which people?" Carson asked and when he didn't get an answer he continued. "If the person has the name 'Kavanaugh'..." he was cut short by her.
"He's right." she stated boldly. Carson only gaped at her, unable to comprehend what she just said. "I'm too driven by emotions, I act on them."
"That's what makes you a human." Clearly she wasn't listening to him.
"I know what he was hinting at. I could hear clearly the accusatory tone in his speech. He blamed me for choosing one person for the city's sake, based just on my emotions."
"Elizabeth..."
"You know damn well as I do that when they start questioning my leadership abilities, they'll send me back without any questions. I can't allow my emotions cloud my judgment."
"Lassie..." she stopped pacing.
"I don't know what I was thinking! I clearly haven't been thinking at all! You know what, you're right. I'll put all of this behind me and will forget it." Carson sighed and stood up. She was too stubborn and he knew it. "Thank you Carson. I'm sorry I vented like that but..." she looked into his eyes.
"Never apologize, Elizabeth. That's what friends are for." She stepped closer to him and hugged him tightly before releasing him and watching him go. She took one of the pills that Carson had prescribed her some time ago and crawled back under the covers, shivering slightly before sleep engulfed her.
John was just returning from the gym where he had beaten the crap out of the boxing bag when he spotted Carson leaving Elizabeth's quarters. He quickly hid behind one of the pillars so Carson wouldn't see him. He clenched his fists in anger. He had wanted to talk to Elizabeth again because he had sobered up a little and wanted to set some things right between them. But now he was pissed so he thought better of it and stormed back to his room.
Two weeks passed since that incident and the two leaders hadn't spoken one word to each other, other than business stuff. They kept on addressing each other formally, which was confusing to the people around the briefing room table who happened to be their friends. The angry glares that passed between the two commanders didn't go by unnoticed as was the behavior of Elizabeth, who seemed to withdraw from everybody but Carson. It was obvious that Carson was the only person actually knowing what went on and in an attempt to get some clarity, he was cornered by the couple's friends and teammates. Carson was pretty tight lipped about the whole situation and not even Ronon's threatening stance was able to make him spill the beans.
The situation on Atlantis was still tense when Elizabeth stood in the gate room, looking at the big circle. Suddenly the gate lit up and as soon as the wormhole was established, the shield was raised.
"It's Colonel Sheppard's IDC, ma'am."
"Let them in." she sighed and waited for the team to arrive. She stood close to the shimmering event horizon of the Stargate and watched it expectantly. She didn't look forward seeing John, but it was still her job to keep her teams safe. She hardly heard the high pitched whistle of flying bullets that left the Gate and only mere seconds after John's team flew through the puddle.
John, being the only one of his team that was uninjured, yelled: "Raise the shield!"
His eyes quickly checked his team. Satisfied that they were all actually there he surveyed the Gate room and his eyes locked with Elizabeth's.
"Dr. Weir." he greeted her but she didn't greet him back. He suddenly realized that her eyes were open wide, staring in shock at him. She looked down at the hand that was clutching her stomach and John's eyes followed, taking in her hand covered by a large amount of blood. He stared in shock at the wound and then realized her red shirt was getting darker. His trained eyes soon found the source of the blood that was now draining her shirt. There was another wound close to her heart... way too close to her heart. He was frozen. He was shocked. He couldn't move, couldn't form any word. As a soldier he had seen more than one person being shot, but this was different. This wasn't supposed to happen. More than that, it was his fault. He didn't warn her, didn't tell her they were coming in hot. Things started to slow down around him and all he could see was the precious blood pouring out of Elizabeth's body.
He only started moving when she collapsed to the floor. He was instantly by her side, yelling at the staff to get the medical team. Taking his jacket off he pressed it down on the wound on her stomach to prevent more blood rushing out, while his other hand cradled her head. He was shaking, but still moving carefully enough not to do any more damage, his eyes always darting to the wound on her chest. This wound was the one that worried him the most.
"Elizabeth." he called out to her, but she didn't open her eyes. "Elizabeth!" He called again, his voice cracking.
He could hear heavy footfalls, signaling the presence of the medical team. John looked up. Carson was there.
"Bloody hell, what happened?" John heard the Doctor mumble when he kneeled next to Elizabeth's motionless body. John moved his hands so Carson could look at her wounds and check her vitals. "Good Lord." Carson muttered under his breath, for the first time able to see the full extent of the wounds. He was feeling a little bit nauseated but he quickly regained his composure and yelled a few orders to his staff: "We need to get her to the infirmary, STAT."
"Doc, will she be okay?" John asked, still staring at Elizabeth's limp body while it was put on a stretcher. She looked so very pale and his guts twisted painfully.
"Not now, Colonel! Get the hell out of here!" Realizing he was standing in the way, he quickly stepped aside and allowed the medics do their work. When Elizabeth was rolled out, John sprinted behind them. His heart was hammering an erratic beat and he couldn't help but asking himself the one question that he feared the most. What if she didn't survive?
When he got to the infirmary, Elizabeth was already in surgery. He could see her through a glass window, nurses and doctors all around, fighting hard to save her life. John's chest tightened as he watched her and suddenly he couldn't breathe anymore. He needed fresh air, but he couldn't make himself step away from that window and take his eyes off her pale face. Right now he needed to see her, needed to know she was still there, with them although his heart hurt at the sight. She was lying there motionlessly, with a tube down her throat, several IVs in her arms, while the medical staff was bend over her chest and stomach, working frantically. She was hooked on many monitors, most of which he couldn't remember ever seeing in the infirmary, but one of those monitors he recognized very well. It was the monitor showing her life signs. He focused his eyes on the green pulse line that reassured him of her heartbeat. With his eyes glued to that monitor, he could see the slight wavering of the line and then he heard Carson shout: "She's fibrillating!"
John's hope was shattered as he watched the line go first erratic and then flat. Even through the glass he could hear the monotone beeping of the monitor. A knot formed in his throat and he couldn't breathe as he watched the staff desperately trying to revive her with the defibrillator. No one here wanted to lose her. She was important. She probably was the most important thing on the whole expedition and John felt like throwing up when he remembered the words that he had thrown at her two weeks ago. She had to survive, if just to hear the truth. His eyes moved from the working staff to the monitor. Elizabeth's body was convulsing with each electric shock they sent through her body, but the flat line didn't even quiver. Again Carson pressed the paddles down and the body shook again. This time there was a response.
He breathed out a sigh of relief when he saw the first signs of a regular heartbeat. That motion was mirrored by Carson inside and John knew she was back. His knees felt utterly weak, but he didn't want to leave. He didn't notice the worried look that Carson sent in his direction and the following talk with one of the nurses. He only noticed the nurse coming up to him when she stood directly in front of him. She spoke to him softly and told him that the surgery could still take hours and that he might want to take a shower. He hadn't even realized that his shirt and pants were soaked with blood. Elizabeth's blood. He obeyed reluctantly and left with a last look at the pale face. Half an hour later he was back in the infirmary, checking in on his teammates. It had occurred to him that he hadn't seen them after he had left the Gate room and he hoped they'd be okay. Fortunately they were all very lucky, unlike Elizabeth. Teyla had ended up with broken shin, Ronon got hit in his shoulder and Rodney complained about his sprained ankle.
After making sure they'd be alright, John returned to the surgery room, but one look through the window showed him it was completely abandoned and cleaned up. His heartbeat sped up and his legs almost gave way. The nurse had said it might still take hours, why was there no one in the room? He was just about to storm back to the infirmary when he saw Carson still in his scrubs, wiping sweat from his forehead.
"Carson?" John asked nervously as he stepped up to him.
"Yes?"
"H-How is she?"
"It's not very good. One of the bullets tore her spleen so we removed it, but I'm not concerned about this. The chest wound is more serious. Strangely enough, she was very lucky. The bullet stopped just millimeters from her heart because one of the ribs stopped the impact. Her state is still critical though. The rib is broken, so it's very likely that it may pierce her heart or lung." Carson paused because his headset chirped. John saw Carson's brows furrowing as he listened to whoever he was talking to over the radio. "Aye, I'm on my way!" Carson had already moved towards the door, but stopped to look back sincerely and John held his breath.
"She's fallen into coma." Then Carson was gone and John hurried after him, the strangling feeling in his chest back again. When they arrived in the infirmary, they were greeted by Dr. Biro.
"Nothing was indicating that she would fall into coma." she said, looking into her chart. "It may not be a physical reason."
Carson nodded his head sadly at her statement.
"What does that mean?" John asked impatiently.
"It means that she may not want to wake up." Dr. Biro explained.
"What?"
"If she was under psychical stress before, her consciousness might not want to return to the present situation. She's stable right now so if you'd excuse me, gentlemen, I have some other patients as well." She said and went away. Carson sighed.
"I was worried it might happen."
"And you didn't do anything?"
"What do you want me to do? I can heal her wounds but I can't mend her broken heart." Carson exclaimed and stormed off to the direction of his office. He couldn't do any good right now and he really didn't want to deal with Colonel Sheppard right now. He was responsible for this situation in more than just one way and Carson didn't think he'd be able to talk to him without actually screaming.
Standing at the foot of Elizabeth's bed, John knew Carson was right. He knew he was responsible for the hurt that he had put her through and now he was cursing himself for being so stupid. If only he would have given her a warning before they had come through the Gate.
Pulling up a chair next to her bed, he sunk down, looking at her peaceful face. Taking her hand into his carefully, he squeezed it slightly before pressing down a kiss on the back of her hand. What he wouldn't give to see her smile at him again. She hadn't smiled since the incident two weeks ago. He hadn't been at his best either. He knew he had completely ruined everything they had ever had and he desperately wanted to go back to the way they had been before.
His eyes wandered through the infirmary and fell on Carson, sitting in his office, head buried in hands. That was when John felt something stirring in his guts. He couldn't admit what he felt for her. He didn't even want to think about what Carson must have been going through right now. Carson loved her, probably as much as John did. He saw it in the other man's eyes. That was when it started to dawn on John. What was it what they say? You never realize what you had until it's gone? And John realized for the first time what he had had. Right there, in the infirmary, holding the small hand of a woman who had fought for him, who had believed in him and who had stood by him. And he had shattered her trust in one second. He felt his eyes watering at the memories and he closed them quickly, not wanting anyone to see him like this.
"I'm so sorry, Elizabeth. I was a complete jerk. You can kick my ass as many times as you want to once you're awake again." he smiled at her softly. "Just stick around for a while."
Sitting with her hand safely between his, he waited for over an hour in complete silence. The only thing breaking the silence was the nurse who came to check up on her every 15 minutes and the steady beep of the heart monitor. Once the nurse left again, he lifted Elizabeth's small hand and pressed it against his face.
"Elizabeth." he called out quietly. "Please. Wake up." He kissed her palm. "Elizabeth, please..." he paused swallowing the lump that formed in his throat.
"Please...stay with me." his voice cracked and he bit his lip to prevent the tears from falling. One lonely tear made its way down his cheek but he wiped it away immediately. Suddenly something changed. He wasn't sure what it was at first, but when he realized, the blood in his veins ran cold. His ears had picked up a sound. It was the beep of the heart monitor. Her heart was beating faster, now almost frantically.
Then his nightmare came true. The line flattened.
As if watching a movie, he saw Carson came rushing out of his office. Nurses were gathering around the bed and the well known paddles of the defibrillator were pressed to Elizabeth's chest. He watched the body go into convulsions, but the line didn't show any reaction. He heard Carson setting the electric charge higher, but still the line didn't react. 'No, no, no' a voice inside his head kept on repeating and started screaming louder and louder when he watched Carson shake his head and hand the paddles back to the shocked nurses. John saw a single tear running down Carson's cheek as he bend over to kiss Elizabeth softly on the hair.
Then the movie John had been watching stopped. At first the world around him merely seemed to slow down, but then it finally stopped. The noises were all gone; the steady sound of the flat line didn't ring in his ears anymore. Even the tears that had followed the first one on Carson's face were frozen in place, John realized somewhat surprised. He didn't think this stopping of time was too weird. The whole situation was rather surrealistic. Maybe he had passed out. Maybe had been the one who had been shot and had died, not Elizabeth. This had to be it. He was dead, but Elizabeth was safe. She'd be with Carson and Carson would treat her as well as she deserved to be treated.
"I'm afraid you're wrong." a female voice behind him said. The sound was sweet and light, much like raindrops in a summer night.
"You are alive, John. Elizabeth was shot." The image of Carson and Elizabeth faded and John was engulfed by bright white light. Everything around him was white. He turned around, trying to see who had spoken to him, but he saw no one.
"Then why am I here?" he screamed at the disembodied voice. He still doubted any of this was real, but the sadness he felt was only so close to rage and right now he started to become annoyed.
"No need to scream, John. I hear you perfectly. You are here because I owe you."
"Then who are you? And stop speaking in riddles!"
The voice laughed softly and a figure appeared in front of John. At first he didn't believe his eyes.
"Teer?"
"Yes, it is me. It is good to see you again."
"I thought you'd ascended." John was still busy trying to wrap his brain around everything that happened. The last time he had seen the woman in whose house he had lived for over half a year she had dissolved into thin air right before his eyes.
"I did. I couldn't have done it without you, which is why I am here. A dark way can never be made shorter, but it can be lit up." She smiled at him as if what she had just said made perfect sense and John treated her to a raising eyebrow before he exploded.
"What? Listen, I really appreciate you coming over for a visit, but right now I don't feel like having guests. My friend just died and I"
"You don't understand. I know this. This is the reason why I am here."
He studied her smile and suddenly remembered. She was an Ancient. She could heal Elizabeth in no time.
"You'll heal her?"
The smile on Teer's face faded and she looked at him with sad eyes.
"I'm afraid I can't. A blazing fire can heal the forest, but too much and it will kill."
"Stop it! You said you owe me. There, I want you to heal her!"
Again she shook her head and took his hand softly into hers.
"John, you don't listen. I can't. Your Doctor Beckett did well; her body would have healed with time. She died of broken heart, John. There is nothing I can do about that."
Far too little air was filling his lungs and he let out a frustrated scream.
"Then why are you here if not to help her?"
"I never said I wouldn't help her, John. I merely said I can't heal her. You are here with me, because the only thing that can save her is to heal her heart. There is only one person who can do this and it isn't me."
For a second, John closed his eyes.
"You should talk to Carson then." John said, but was stopped by a finger on his lips.
"I'm not talking to Carson, I'm talking to you. I repaid my debts. Use this wisely."
The woman in front of him faded and so did the bright white. Slowly the mist around him cleared and he was standing barefoot on a sandy ground. He could hear waves rolling in the distance and when the mist faded he saw waves rolling against the shore. Irritated, John looked around, but he had no idea where he was. There wasn't any building he could see and his eyes started to explore the beach. That was when his eyes fell on the figure sitting on the ground. He would have known who it was blindfoldedly and he started in her direction. He had no idea what he would do once he reached her, but he knew he couldn't let her go.
She was wearing shorts and a light blue shirt, even though it was freezing cold. Her knees were drawn up to her chin and she had her arms wrapped around her legs. He had never seen Elizabeth as a child, but without a doubt he knew that the child sitting in front of him was her. She looked so fragile sitting there and John stopped a couple of feet before he reached her. What would he say to her?
"You shouldn't have come." her voice sounded odd for a child, laden with sadness.
"I had to." was all he said as he walked the last steps and sat down in the sand next to her.
"I didn't ask you to."
"I know. Elizabeth, I'm sorry."
Her eyes lifted from the ocean for the first time and she raised one eyebrow as she watched him.
"Do you like it here?"
He looked around the place again. It was a long stretched natural beach. On the horizon he saw cliffs rising into the sky.
"It's peaceful."
"My Dad brought me here on the day he told me that he would die. I was seven. After his death I came here when I wanted to be alone, when I needed time to think. My Mom gave my Dad's ashes to the ocean on this very beach."
Shivers were running down John's spine as he listened to her story and he wanted nothing more but to cradle her in his arms, but he knew he couldn't. He had a mission.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I said. I shouldn't have behaved like that. Please come back with me. You are still needed."
A hollow laughter escaped her throat and John closed his eyes against it.
"I am? Who, John? Who needs me?"
When John opened his eyes again, he was facing an adult Elizabeth. The seven year old girl was gone.
"Atlantis needs you."
"Atlantis? Who, Kavanaugh? Nobody needs me John. It's as simple as that. I'm the worst that ever happened to this expedition, remember? The man who told me that was very wise."
"No! No, Elizabeth. God, I'm sorry. I never should have said that and I can't believe you actually listened to this lie. It's just that. I was angry and lied. Without you the expedition would have failed long before. Please, you have to believe me."
Her eyes traveled out over the sea again and the color of her eyes changed to black.
"Even if I would, this isn't enough. I can't go on like this."
With that she stood up and brushed the sand off her clothes before she started walking towards the ocean. Feeling her slip away, John reached for the last straw.
"There are people who care about you. Please, Elizabeth. Carson still needs you. He loves you."
Turning around to face him again, John saw a small smile spreading over her lips and he dearly hoped this whole bad dream was over.
"I know he does. He has always been a good friend. Tell him I'm sorry. I would really love to believe that this would be enough, but it isn't."
With that she turned around and stepped into the ocean. John was on her heels in no time, grabbing her by the hand to stop her. They were both up to their hips in the freezing cold water when he finally reached her. She looked at him angrily and he returned the glare.
"Then tell me what is enough?" he screamed at her, but her black eyes glared steadily at him.
"You don't understand, do you? You really don't understand! I feel sorry for you, John."
Before John had a chance to react, Elizabeth had struggled herself free and was stepping deeper and deeper into the water. What didn't he understand? What was the puzzle piece he was missing? 'He has always been a good friend' he heard Elizabeth's voice in his head and suddenly the pieces fell into place. He tried to recall the occasions he had seen her together with Carson and every time he had, it had always been after he, John, had been an ass. He had never seen them kiss or holding hands, had never seem them exchange knowing looks, had never seen them flirt. All he had seen was friendship. Carson had merely been there for a friend who hurt. Hurt because a jerk had broken her heart.
"Don't go, Elizabeth!"
John called after her one last time. Only her head was visible now, the rest of her body hidden under water. She turned around and he could see tears streaming down her face.
"Why John? Give me one reason. Why?"
Taking one deep breath he called out the words he should have said earlier.
"Because I need you. I don't want to live without you, Elizabeth. I love you."
And when he said the words he knew it was true.
"Doctor! We've got a pulse again." a nurse exclaimed and John turned irritated around in the infirmary. His clothes were dry and Elizabeth was still lying on bed with Carson bend over her, tears streaming down his face. John stood at the foot of her bed again and he couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the green line starting to dance over the screen again in a steady sinus rhythm.
Carson looked at the screen in wonder, but then just breathed out a 'thank you'. John's eyes darted between the monitor and Elizabeth's pale face. His world suddenly started spinning and the last thing he remembered was falling to the ground.
It took a couple of hours for Elizabeth's lids to start fluttering. After Elizabeth awoke, Carson made sure she could breathe on her own and took the annoying tube out of her throat. She coughed while trying to take a deep shuddery breath to fill her lungs with precious air. Carson was immediately at her side holding a cup filled with ice chips and lifted the spoon up to her lips. She swallowed the chips greedily to finally sooth her dry aching throat.
"How are you feeling, lassie?" Carson asked and stroked her hair.
"Weak. And sore all over." she had to strain her voice so he could hear her.
"Aye. We thought we lost you."
"I know."
"You do?"
"Yes. I was dead for a while. And I would still be if it wasn't for John."
"What? What do you mean?" Carson's eyes widened as he looked at her.
When she was about to respond, Rodney came hobbling into the infirmary supported by crutches and came to a halt next to Elizabeth's bed.
"Hi Rodney."
"Elizabeth, don't do this to us ever again." she chuckled a bit and then coughed, finding that laughing definitely wasn't a good idea right now.
"Take it easy, lassie." Carson smiled at her. She responed by smiling gratefully at him and then turned around to answer Rodney, her voice still hoarse.
"I won't Rodney, I promise." she offered him a small smile and was surprised that the scientist smiled back.
"Well, in that case, there are some people outside who want to see you." Just as soon as he finished the sentence, Teyla and Ronon walked in, Teyla supported by crutches as well and Ronon with his arm in a sling.
"How are you feeling Dr. Weir?" Teyla asked with genuine concern in her voice.
"Weak. But other than that, good. Thank you." she smiled and found the four faces of her friends smiling back at her. She was so distracted and surprised by Ronon's smile, that she didn't even notice the most important person wasn't present. The strain of the day was still deeply rooted inside of her and she felt sleepy again. Seeing her discomfort, Carson shooed her guests out of the infirmary and changed her IV bag.
"Carson?"
"Hmmm?" he mumbled absent-mindedly, hooking the IV bag with clear liquid on the drip stand.
"Where's John?" Carson sighed.
"He's right here."
"What? What do you mean?" Elizabeth started panicking. What if something had happened to him during their 'almost-ascended' conversation? Carson pulled back the curtain that separated Elizabeth from a row of other beds. Her eyes widened as she took in the sleeping form of her 2IC clad in scrubs, also hooked on IVs.
"Carson? What happened? Is he alright?"
"Aye. He just passed out. Malnourishment and exhaustion have taken their toll on him. He'll be fine in no time. But you, missy, need to rest."
"Yes sir." she grinned at him and Carson was pleased to find the old Elizabeth back, even though he didn't know what had had caused this change, he was thankful for it.
Elizabeth leaned back against her pillow and watched John sleep. Smiling slightly, she fell into a peaceful slumber. She awoke some hours later, surprised to find John sitting on his bed. He was back in his black shirt and grey pants, looking at her intently.
"Hey." he greeted her and smiled softly.
"Hi. How are you feeling?" she smiled back, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
"Better. Shouldn't I be asking you that?" Elizabeth chuckled slightly and that earned her his full flyboy grin.
"Carson released me a few moments before you woke up."
They sat there in silence and were just staring at each other before Elizabeth's cheeks turned a nice shade of pink under his intense gaze and she looked away. She could hear him hop off the bed and she turned her head when the mattress on her bed dipped, only to find John sitting there, his eyes glued to her face.
"Liz'beth..." her name left his mouth in a rush and she was once again reminded of how she loved it when he called her that way.
"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have-" She hushed him with a finger on his lips.
"I know." she smiled softly. He took her hand and pressed a small kiss to her palm. She sighed contently.
"It doesn't matter now."
She intertwined her fingers with his and squeezed lightly. They sat there, staring at each other in awkward silence, neither of them knowing where or how to start. They both knew that this was a turning point in their relationship. They couldn't chicken out anymore but neither of them wanted to anyway.
"I'm really glad you're okay." he suddenly blurted out the first thought that came to his mind, smiling shyly.
"Thank you."
"What for?"
"For saving me." He chuckled sarcastically.
"Saving you? This" he motioned to the infirmary bed and her. "wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been for me."
"John..." she tried to stop him. He looked down at their joined hands.
"No. It's my fault. I was so scared of the thought of having a deep and meaningful relationship. I'm the easy kind of guy, you know? But with you, I just knew it would have been deeper. I was scared of realizing how much you mean to me. But when I thought you were gone... The thought of losing you made me realize just what my life would be like without you. I don't want to go on without you again. Ever." Elizabeth, who was listening to his heartfelt outburst, was at the verge of tears at his admission. Lifting his chin with her hand, she made him look into her eyes.
"You don't have to." she smiled at him softly. "Come here." She tugged at his hand and through all the IVs and sensors he eventually managed to embrace her, earning a soft laugh from her. Careful about her wounds, John hugged her lightly, but when he was about to pull away from her she clung to him tightly, holding onto him as if he was her lifeline. And he kind of was. Burying his face in her shoulder, he thanked God or whatever ascended being for not taking her away from him. He owed Teer for giving him this chance. Holding her here in his arms, he wondered how he could ever have been dumb enough to think he didn't want this. After a while Elizabeth released her tight hold on him and pulled back slightly so she could see his face. She looked into his gorgeous green eyes and was mesmerized by what she saw in them. This time she was sure of what she saw, unlike the time on the balcony that had started this whole drama. The love and devotion clearly radiated from him and she hoped he could see the same in her eyes. Ever so slowly, he lowered his head, and when his lips touched hers gently, they never felt more complete.
If Carson hadn't come rushing to the infirmary with 'what the-?', they'd have kissed for hours. But as it was, they parted quickly, blushing guiltily like two teenagers who got caught by their parents.
Elizabeth suddenly realized what it was that had made Carson come back, looking like Atlantis was about to sink. It was the frantic pace of her heart mirrored by the beeping of the heart monitor. She started giggling and showed John the monitor. He grinned and Carson chuckled softly, shaking his head in amusement.
"I guess I'll leave you for now." he was already halfway gone when they heard him mutter: "Kids..."
Elizabeth grinned at John who grinned back in pretty much the same manner before his mouth reclaimed hers.
ZEE END
(BTW, Liz and Carson being friends before the expedition is not canon.)
Feedback is love. ;)