So I know that the this isn't a in the line of the show right now, with the phones and all. But it's been in my head for awhile and really needed to get out. So here it is and let me know what you think. I'm still working on 'Shattered' and hoping to post a new chapter in the coming days.
She had been well aware of the fact that stake outs were boring. The not so enthusiastic demeanor off the team whenever a stake out presented itself had been telling her all she needed to know about it, but she never expected it to be like this. They had been sitting here for over two hours and besides the radio playing not a word had been said. She never believed that two hours could have possibility gone so slow, but they had, because it felt a whole lot longer than just 120 minutes. She had wanted to speak, talk about pretty much anything but hadn't done so. Mainly because she had no idea what would happen if she talked and somehow the silence told her that she wouldn't like it. She was out of her comfort zone and slightly rethinking the whole 'I wanna be out there in the field' idea. Being paired up with him at first had seemed pretty fun and she had looked forward to it. Out of the three of them he would be the most patient and the one who wouldn't make her feel completely useless if she did something wrong. She never expected him to be the one testing her patience.
She tried to look at him through the corner of her eye but suspected to be not so undercover as she liked it to be. He didn't notice or at least didn't seem to notice. He was good at hiding things, but there was some things that he couldn't hide. Like fading away, every day a bit more and there was nothing to be done about it. Her phone vibrated in her pocket, she had put it on silence when he had glanced at her after the third time it went off. She fished it out and read the message. She tried really heard not to smile at the words, she didn't want to make things even harder for him. He didn't have any text messages, everything that they needed to know had been told over the coms and besides the one he wanted text messages from was miles and miles away. Her eyes focused on the box sitting on the console between the two of them, once holding 12 pieces of pastries, mainly donuts. She had to grant him that, the man knew where to get the best and it included the coffees. Where he believed she would be able to eat 6 of them she had no idea, but then again it could be just an habit. After all she was taking the place of one Kensi Blye, who would have no problem with downing all twelve of them.
'Deeks can talk your ear off when he wants to, but it's when he goes quiet, that's the moment to start to worry.' Kensi's voice spoke in her mind. They had gone for one of their girls nights out and the brunette had been fake complaining about Deeks, but she had to grant her one thing. There was nothing more unsettling that a Deeks who didn't utter a single word. Worriedly she realized he hadn't been trying to get information out of her, like trying to find out where Kensi was. He had slowly reverted inwards and pretty much showed up at the work because there was nothing else in his life to do. She couldn't help but feel pity for him, to feel sorry for him to have his life turned upside down like this. It had been tough after the torture but he had been on the right track, but it seemed like he was sliding backwards again, drifting off into the sea now that his anchor had been taken away.
'You've got the stop thinking so loud' he suddenly said and she looked at him. He didn't look at her, just straight ahead, right at the house where their suspect supposedly lived.
'sorry' she silently responded and tried to focus on what was happening outside, not too much it would seem.
'Yeah well, I'm not the most fun person to be with right now'
She couldn't help but look back at him, trying to guess his mood. His words, his tone, the loneliness in it fitted right with his demeanor. Slumped into the driver seat he looked like he was about to give up on everything, if he didn't do so already.
She's pondering what to reply to that, it's not like she can say she didn't notice. Not that he would berate her, but he would call her out on the lie.
' I, mm, ' she started ' if there is anything I can do'
It's not necessarily what she really wants to say, but it's the more safe route to travel on, at least so she hopes. During that same fake complaint by Kensi, she had also explained the complexity of her partner and how he sometimes reacted differently.
'Yeah well I don't need your pity.' She can hear the anger, mixed with hurt. She's not sure who that anger is directed to, her, the entire world or their little fearless leader back at the mission. Her money is on the last one, and if to go by the rest of the team they all shared that same anger. Something had happened between Deeks and Kensi, things had shifted but to make that decision, to actually put both partners on different halves of the world? She believed Hetty knew what she was doing, but doubt was there and this time the happy ending wasn't that guaranteed.
'I know' she answers softly, 'It's just, I mean, I have no idea what you're going through and I would like to understand so I can be there for you, you know. To help where I can, to…' him turning towards her shuts her up and makes her swallow her next words. His blue eyes seems to pierce right through her and if he wasn't so obviously Kensi's she would be able to fall for them.
He's the picture of a true Californian surfer dude, but one look into those eyes and you realize he's not as laid bad and worry free as his appearance seems to be. There is something broken in them, something that makes you want to reach out and comfort him, to promise him that in the end everything will be just fine and okay. Not that he would believe you, he's seen too much to believe that nonsense.
'Imagine you have everything you ever wanted. That you found that special one, the one you can actually see yourself go gray and old with. Imagine that you're the luckiest person on earth, only for all of that to be taken away from you in heartbeat and no explanation. For all I know she might be dead, lying alone in some cold ditch and I don't even know about it, I don't even had the change to say goodbye.'
She's surprised to hear him talk and at the words. She didn't expect him to say anything , to let her know what's being going on inside his head. The words are also not what she's been expecting and she can't even begin to do as he said. The pain in his voice alone is enough to make her cry and it's like the car turned a few degrees colder. There is no way she can imagine what it feels like but she's dead certain she doesn't want to know. For that her belief in Hetty, her belief that everything will be fine because Hetty said so is too big. But then again it had been Hetty who had send Kensi away and didn't allow Deeks a change at goodbye or the rest an idea of what's going on. For the first time she finds herself doubting her boss's motives and she wonders if the older woman really knows what she has started.
'Mr. Deeks, Miss Jones please return to the Mission. New intel shows he won't be showing up today.'
Credit where credit is due, Deeks didn't even flinch when Hetty's voices comes through the coms, but does as he's being told to do. There is a slight suspicion he meant for Hetty to hear what he had said. They both remain silent throughout the ride home and for once she's grateful of the silence. She's not sure she wants to hear the rest of it.
Back in the Mission, they are side by side as they reached the bullpen. Just as he's about to turn he stopped.
'Nell,' Stopping as wel and turning towards him, it's the first time today he used her real name and she's sure nothing good is going to come from that.
'When you find that special one. Never mention his name around here. There are people here who rather see you broken and alone to let you have any happiness at all.' He says and then turns around.
Of course he has to come face to face to their fearless leader but it seems Deeks is also being fearless today and she's now entirely sure that their conversation here and in the car had been for Hetty's ears. With a very short 'miss Lange' he walks around their boss and disappears towards the gym. She now becomes the fixation of her boss's stare and she tries to bare it like Deeks did just a few seconds ago. It helps by remembering that they are in this position because of Hetty and her trust in a good outcome diminish a little further.
Not much later Hetty leaves for her office and she's not looking into the bullpen. She looks into another set of blue eyes. And while her trust in Hetty is a bit more broken, it seems like Callen is just right there to provide back up.
TBC