"He seems okay now," she said, lightly bumping his arm with hers, trying to lighten the mood.
"Yeah, well, it's important," he said as his shifted away from her slightly, then leaned forward to avoid making contact. "Make things right. I just don't know how. I don't know."
She watched him intently for a few more moments as she slowly felt him pull away from her - both physically and emotionally. She had never seen him this emotionally vulnerable before, not even when he told her about his past as a sniper. The overpowering need to touch him – his shoulder, his leg – had come and gone because she knew it would do more harm than good at that moment. She leaned slightly forward, hoping to make some kind of connection to try to get a feel for what he wanted her to do, but he refused to meet her gaze and kept his eyes firmly in the direction of his son, who was still spinning happily on the Merry-go-round, oblivious to the battle waging within his father's heart and mind.
The conversation had been inevitable, but it wasn't supposed to have happened like that; it should have been magic – a promise of things to come. Instead, it was laden with subtext and fear and, ultimately, he ended things before they even had a chance to begin. For that brief moment they had been on the same page and had understood exactly what they meant to each other and where they stood. There was no wondering or second guessing their feelings, no hidden innuendos or fumbling over words, no surreptitious glances. Even with the subtext, they were finally in sync. But, at some point during that kairotic moment, he had turned the page and started a new chapter, leaving her to catch up and absorb the gravity of what had just happened between them. To mourn what never could be.
"Daddy! Daddy!" She heard Parker exclaim, tearing her from her thoughts. He came bounding over in their general direction and rushed into his father's arms.
"Hey buddy, did ya have fun?" Parker nodded as Booth ruffled his hair. "You remember meeting Dr. Brennan, don't you Parker?"
"Yup! You were that lady that was at Sid's place when my daddy came to pick me up at Christmas, right?" He recalled.
"I sure was," she said and smiled sincerely at the boy. "So what do you and your dad have planned for today? Anything fun?" She watched as Parker looked to his father for the answer to her question.
"Well, we have to drop you off at home with your mom in a little bit because I have to go pick up a friend at the hospital," he explained, all the while avoiding looking directly at Brennan. "But before we do that, I promised that I'd buy you ice cream didn't I?" He reached out and tickled Parker's stomach.
Brennan silently watched this exchange, one she rarely got to witness, between father and son. Even thought she knew Booth doubted his parental skills at times, she could see how much he truly loved Parker. She saw it the other day through the fear in his eyes when he thought that Epps had taken his son, and she saw it again now. He reached in his pocket, pulled out some money and handed it to Parker, who immediately ran over to the ice cream wagon, parked not too far from where they currently sat.
"Bones, look. I - " Once again, he was staring at his hands, unsure of what he really wanted to say.
"Booth, don't. You don't have to say anything." Finally, his gaze met hers. "Everyone's safe and right now. That's all that matters. You can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders all the time. You can't make everything right, no matter how much you want to. You're only human, Booth. We all are." She reached out and placed her hands atop his. "What happened to Cam wasn't your fault."
"If only I hadn't asked her -" He pulled his hand out from under hers and clasped both hands in front of his legs, focusing his eyes on a spot in front of his feet.
"Your personal relationship with Cam wasn't the reason she wound up in the hospital. Anyone of us would have done whatever it took to find Howard Epps - no matter what rules or protocol it broke. He kills people. He's threatened our friends and the people we care most about. He used your son as part of his elaborate game to draw us in, Booth. He knew exactly what he was doing. And now he's won. Again. Yes, he made it personal and played on our relationships with one another. But, he made it personal for all of us, not just you."
He looked up at her and held her gaze again, not saying anything, but undoubtedly understanding what she meant.
She continued, "He won last time, because he made me question myself and my motives after I shot Lappin, but I gave him that power. Now, he's doing the same thing to you. Don't let him win. Don't let him have the last laugh."
"Ya know, for not knowing the right thing to say, you sure did a pretty good job of it right there." He turned to her and nudged her with his arm, then suddenly went back to being serious. "This whole situation made me realize that I can't keep doing what I'm doing with Cam. A long time ago, what we had was amazing, but it ended and we probably should have left it at that instead of trying to fool ourselves into believing that we were just two consenting adults in need of - as you would say- a release."
She smiled at him, impressed that he was starting to pick up on her lingo.
"She wanted more than I could give her," he went on. "And even though she never verbalized it, I could just tell. We were hardly together anyway, and when she did try to find time for us, I was always off with - " he paused and looked up at her again. Once again their eyes met, but this time, they held the gaze.
They heard the patter of feet running towards them, which caused them to look away from each other. Parker had returned with his nearly finished ice cream cone, having successfully dripped some down the front of his shirt.
"Hey, get over here," Booth said, as he playfully tugged at Parkers shirt. "Let me wipe that goo off your shirt."
"It's not goo, it's ice cream, Daddy! Goo wouldn't taste as yummy!" he exclaimed.
"But I bet it would be just as sticky!" Booth countered as the three of them laughed as he wiped Parker's shirt and asked, "Wanna take one more spin on the Carousel before we have to head out?"
"Yeah!" the boy cheered and ran over towards the ride.
"Ya know what, Bones? Life is kinda like a carousel," Booth observed as he watched his son mount one of the horses.
"A carousel?" She asked, slightly confused.
"Yeah, ya see, you have to deal with the ups and downs, go round and round in circles and in the end you never know where you're going to wind up. But, ya know what? It's a great ride and in the end, it's all worth it. Every last second."
"That was - very poetic, Booth. Maybe you should start writing too," she smiled and nudged him back. "Hey, maybe you can even knock me off the best sellers list!"
With that he laughed, the first real laugh she heard from him since this whole ordeal had begun, then he stood.. She followed his lead as he headed towards the carousel, but he put his hand on her arm to stop her before they reached the fence.
"Hey, Bones, I just wanted to thank you for coming here today. Just you being here helped a lot," he said as he closed the gap between them slightly. "Whatever is down the road for us, we'll deal with it when that time is right. But, for now, I'm just happy that you're in my life."
"And I'm happy that you're in mine," She closed the space between them and embraced him. They stayed that way until Booth felt a tugging at his shirt and Parker slipped his small hand into his father's. The three of them, smiling, turned to leave the park. There was a long way to go before everything would be made right, but it seemed that once again, they were on the same page. And for now, that was enough.
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A/N - Yes, I am still working on "Judas" but after watching "The Man in the Cell" something kept nagging at me that it needed more of an ending, so I decided to make one :) Hope you all enjoyed it. As always, thanks to my 'Zack' for being the best Beta I could ever have :)